Need a resource about raising girls....

[julesmama3]

Hi, My daughter is 8 and she has a couple of close friends that are boys. My husband and I are wondering if we need to start talking to her about 'liking' boys and what to do with the feelings if she is. In general we've talked about having boyfriends when you are ready to get married. This talk usually happens when we see relationships in movies.

 

Both my dh and myself have promiscuous pasts and so we can easily view life through our experience. I don't want to view 'crushes' as wrong-I assume they are natural, hard to say though really because of my past and early exposure to inappropriate media. I'm not sure what normal really is.

 

So I'm looking for a book that talks about how to guide my daughter through feelings and relationships and friendships.

 

Thanks so much!

[gamommy]

I'm not sure if you're looking for faith based resources or not but two books that I've used in my home about purity and relationships are "The princess and the kiss" for my youngers (say 5-10) and "Before you meet prince charming" with my oldest (12). Both books encourage children to hold off on emotional and physical entanglements with the opposite sex until they are seeking a permanent spouse.

 

My dh has really enjoyed a book called "She calls me Daddy" that he recommends to other men all the time. I've not read that one myself though.

[Marie in Oh]

I'm not sure if you're looking for faith based resources or not but two books that I've used in my home about purity and relationships are "The princess and the kiss" for my youngers (say 5-10) and "Before you meet prince charming" with my oldest (12). Both books encourage children to hold off on emotional and physical entanglements with the opposite sex until they are seeking a permanent spouse.

 

My dh has really enjoyed a book called "She calls me Daddy" that he recommends to other men all the time. I've not read that one myself though.

 

 

I plan to use the Princess and the Kiss with my olders two (9 and 7 this summer). We have talked little about this with our oldest dd, as she is just not interested, but the topic has come up with our next in line dd becasue she seems more interested in boy/girl things. Ughh!

[julesmama3]

Well, that's confirmation! I've been thinking about buying the Princess and the Kiss book. Guess I should order it!

 

Thanks gamommy, I'll tell my husband about the book you suggested.

 

Does anyone else know of a book that talks and instructs me about my daughter verses talking to her?

 

Thanks!

[beansprouts]

Thank you for this thread and the recommendations. I just placed a book order.

 

:lurk5:

[julesmama3]

bump

[Carol in Cal.]

She is now 12, and does have crushes sometimes. She tells me about them (so far), but she doesn't know what to do about them. She has friends who have had boyfriends starting at 10 or 11, but I have never been clear on what they 'do'. They don't seem to go anywhere together as far as I can tell.

 

My daughter is probably less sheltered than a lot of homeschoolers but considerably more sheltered than public schoolers locally. I have been much more proactive with information with her than most of my friends have been with their children. My goal is to get there first, so that my version of the facts and principles takes priority. I have used some great Christian books from Concordia Publishing House to talk with her about sex and puberty.

 

I have read a lot myself about other girl issues, starting long before I had a daughter. Some of the informational books that I have found helpful are "Things Will Be Different For My Daughter", "Reviving Ophelia", "Ophelia Speaks", and "Hold On To Your Kids" which is about peer pressure in general.

 

I don't have very many resources about relationships to use with DD. I bought a book at the last conference about a girl who builds a garden, and her friend who builds a wall around it--an allegory for building relationships and good character. It is based on the fruits of the spirit, and it is very gentle and lovely. I have read that to DD several times, and we talk about the ideals that it espouses. I wish I could remember the name of it. It is by the same publisher as "The Princess and the Kiss" but I like it much much better.

 

I have a hard time with making complete mental and emotional 'purity' the focus of these discussions with DD. I see some pitfalls there--first, it seems to call all attraction into question and almost make it a bit sinful. I don't feel that that is Biblical. Second, it seems to set a standard (no attraction) that is so impossible to meet that it puts guilt where it should not be. Third, it seems to indicate that I disapprove of such attractions, which would tend to lessen DD's liklihood of talking with me about them. Certainly I'm not one of those mothers who encourages their daughters to grow up too fast. Quite the contrary! Nor do I idealize relationships or set any expectation that she should or will have a bunch of boyfriends. But, I do want to be able to hear her genuine questions and experiences, in a way that is both open and guiding. And I don't think that that so-called 'purity' standard is either right or the right way to go about this.

 

When DD is older, my intention is to share books with her like "Your Half of the Apple", "I Loved a Girl", "I Married You", and Elizabeth Elliot's book on s*xual purity. She is too young for this at this point.

 

I guess that my stance is that I'm interested in everything that is going on with her, but that she can't date, and that I'm not really more interested in the boy stuff than in her clothes, or her writing, or her latest thoughts on the relationship between Spain and England historically and presently, or her progress in her youth chorus. And, I am considerably MORE interested in her spiritual growth than in anything else. I hope to put her boy stuff into perspective that way.

 

HTH!

[gamommy]

Another great resouce that I neglected to mention in my original post is the book "Family Driven Faith". It is more a general parenting book and has only limited sections pertaining to purity and relationships but one thing that the wise author stated has really stuck with me. He insists that the American dating system as we know it is truly un-Biblical. It invites pain and defrauding and he likens the break-up cycle to divorce practice. I think he sums it up nicely when he says (loosely quoted) that allowing younger teens to date is like sending them to the mall unsupervised to go window shopping. They are either going to leave very frustrated or having taken something that does not belong to them!

 

A great object lesson that I used with my younger girls was to have dh and each carry around a large construction paper heart. We pretended to be several different characters who would meet, become attached to one another, and eventually part ways. Each time a parting would happen we'd each tear off a small piece of the other's heart. When we finally met each other we were both sad that we did not have a complete heart to share. Honestly, I believe this holds true to the dating experiences of both dh and I. We both cared for others (emotionally even if not physically) and those people did take pieces of our hearts with them.

 

I agree with the AP poster that it is unrealistic to never experience crushes or physical attractions during these important years. However, while the attractions in and of themselves are not wrong, there can be consequences based on the way that we handle them. Just as it is possible (and important) for married folks to try constantly to avoid lustful thoughts and potential compromising relationships/situations, I believe it is possible for teens to do the same until they are seriously seeking a spouse.

 

Not wanting to be confrontational, just my 2 cents.

[kailuamom]

I haven't read it myself, but I know that the American Girl company has a book out called "The Smart Girl's Guide to Boys" This is what the description says:

This book offers girls straight talk on what to do when it seems like everyone’s wondering “who likes who?†It includes sensitive, insightful, honest advice from girls and boys on being friends, going out, breaking up, and just being themselves. Plus, it includes tips and quizzes that lend valuable perspective on the beginning and ending of relationships.

 

Like I said, I haven't read it, but I have looked into it for my oldest dd because I really liked their other book "The Care and Keeping of You," which deals with growing up, getting your period, etc., in a very matter of fact, friendly manner.

 

HTH,