Would you be upset?

[gardenmom5]

yes you're over reacting.

 

if your daughter is such a great kid, I'd give her my trust in her judgment. I would want to know what is going on in this other child's life that she gives the impression of hiding from her mother. I don't think this is "just a sleepover".

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is very obvious that you don't like the guest. Maybe the girl is a spoiled brat. Maybe not. Maybe she's having problems. Maybe not. I think the problem is that you didn't do your homework before saying yes to having her stay over. You didn't talk to a parent. It doesn't matter what they told you about the telephone, you didn't insist on talking to them in person or on the phone. You didn't meet the girl to see if she is the kind of person you want to stay over. Those things don't matter to everyone but I think people know that if you don't talk to the parents or meet the potential guest then you have to take "potluck" as to who is at your house. So in the future you have to decide if you want to allow her to come over.

[Rebecca VA]

I have occasionally told my kids to come out of their closed-door rooms and socialize with the rest of the family. Why don't you sweetly insist that the girls come out and spend time with you? If they're in the bedroom with the door locked during the day, they need to come out. End of story.

[clarkacademy]

I would be mad at my dd for not following rules.

 

When my kids have friends over I usually have their snacks set up ahead of time for them. If it is a first time visitor I will ask for dislikes or allergies and go from there.

 

Snce your is a great kid but made a mistake yhis time, I would use this as an opportunity to talk to her, let her know what is not allowed when friends are over, explain the snack situation again, and then just let it go.

 

IMO the house guest was Kind of rude but really the responsibility lies with dd.

 

But how would I go about talking to her so she don't feel bad over a bag of cereal? LOL! I think I focused on the cereal because I was aggravated this is not it it is the lieing, the not talking to a parent but having exuses why I can't the locking of the door the way she really won't converse with me. Her other friends come here and love it here.

 

When we lived in IN she had visitation on Saturdays two of her friends would still stay at my house. Over the years I have housed many friends from good homes and bad. Two girls stayed with me for 3 years before their mom won custody back. I think my op was my aggravation and now yu all think I am a cereal nazi when that is not it at all.

[Skadi]

There is no reason to be angry and ready to snap at all, cereal aside. It honestly seems like you're reading too much into a teen girls' sleepover. Your daughter really hasn't done any serious harm.

 

I'm afraid you will regret letting your temper run away with you. Breathe. Try to summon up a generosity of spirit. Let the small things roll off you like water on a duck. Wait a few days before discussing this with your daughter, so you have time to put everything in perspective.

[Danestress]

Honestly, I don't really think in terms of influence because I expect my child to not be so easily influenced, even though I know that expectation won't always be met. It's still the way I try to present things to my kids - two of whom are turning 15 this year.

 

I don't really know if your daughter was "influenced" by this kid, but I don't think the kid would even have to realize she was exerting influence. A LOT of kids would have no idea that in other homes, doors are never locked and cereal is rationed. My Mom wouldn't have cared about either of these things, and I just wouldn't have known to consider the possibility.

 

I just think you should have a gentle talk with your daughter about she thinks the spend the night went and what your issues are, and see what she says. It's possible this kid really put the screws to her, and possible that she just didn't want to say, "no." I'd just sort of remind her that it's important to follow the rules no matter who is around, and let her know that if someone is pressuring her, she can talk to you.

 

Either way, I wouldn't be too upset. I do hate having people spend the night though. I just hate it.

[clarkacademy]

I have occasionally told my kids to come out of their closed-door rooms and socialize with the rest of the family. Why don't you sweetly insist that the girls come out and spend time with you? If they're in the bedroom with the door locked during the day, they need to come out. End of story.

 

 

See I have never faced this before at all. Her other friends call and talk to me on the phone we watch movies eat popcorn etc this is all very odd to me

[Catwoman]

I AM NOT UPSET OVER THE CEREAL!!!!!!! I worded the op badly and maybe focused on the aggravation but I am upset that my daughter who is a great kid is all of a sudden not acting like herself is it this kids influence????

 

OK, I just read this thread and was going to post that you are completely over-reacting about the cereal, and to say that it's ridiculous to assume that your dd's friend should have to eat whatever you cooked or else go hungry all night.

 

But now I think you would have reacted entirely differently if this had been a different friend. You're upset that the girl seems sly and sneaky, and it sounds like she is quite rude (because she doesn't want to be anywhere but alone with your dd during the visit.) I think that is perfectly reasonable.

 

I don't think your dd deserves any kind of punishment -- and I don't think the Cereal Incident on its own would suggest that this girl has any horrible influence over your dd, because I think she was probably just trying to be a good hostess to her friend, but if you're upset about her and the girl holing up in the bedroom, I think you need to tell her and the other girl to haul their butts out of there and into a different room of the house for a while.

 

Honestly, if your budget is so tight that you can't afford an extra box of cereal, perhaps sleepovers aren't a great idea, because teenagers will eat you out of house and home -- I think you got off easy with only one missing box of cereal, and I can't imagine getting upset about something so minor. If you'd gone into the bedroom and found drugs or the contents of your liquor cabinet, that would have been different, but cereal wouldn't have even been on my radar.

 

And I say this as gently as I can, but if you'd even consider punishing your dd over breaking the "no cereal" rule, I think you might need to lighten up a little. Is your dd "not acting like herself" at other times, or is it all about the sleepover?

 

Is there any chance the friend is just shy? Could she have been the one to lock the door and not your dd? A lot of people lock doors behind them, so she may not have been intentionally trying to keep you out of your dd's room.

 

I'm really trying to understand this and to find a way to see your side of it, because I know you're a reasonable person, so I can't help but think that there's a backstory with this friend that we haven't heard yet. You don't seem like the kind of person who would get upset and want to punish your dd and send her friend home over a midnight kitchen run for some cereal, so I feel like this girl has done other things to negatively influence your dd.

 

Whatever the case, I'm sorry you're upset. It's so frustrating to want someone out of your house and feel like you can't just show them the door. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

OK, I just read this thread and was going to post that you are completely over-reacting about the cereal, and to say that it's ridiculous to assume that your dd's friend should have to eat whatever you cooked or else go hungry all night.

 

But now I think you would have reacted entirely differently if this had been a different friend. You're upset that the girl seems sly and sneaky, and it sounds like she is quite rude (because she doesn't want to be anywhere but alone with your dd during the visit.) I think that is perfectly reasonable.

 

I don't think your dd deserves any kind of punishment -- and I don't think the Cereal Incident on its own would suggest that this girl has any horrible influence over your dd, because I think she was probably just trying to be a good hostess to her friend, but if you're upset about her and the girl holing up in the bedroom, I think you need to tell her and the other girl to haul their butts out of there and into a different room of the house for a while.

 

Honestly, if your budget is so tight that you can't afford an extra box of cereal, perhaps sleepovers aren't a great idea, because teenagers will eat you out of house and home -- I think you got off easy with only one missing box of cereal, and I can't imagine getting upset about something so minor. If you'd gone into the bedroom and found drugs or the contents of your liquor cabinet, that would have been different, but cereal wouldn't have even been on my radar.

 

And I say this as gently as I can, but if you'd even consider punishing your dd over breaking the "no cereal" rule, I think you might need to lighten up a little. Is your dd "not acting like herself" at other times, or is it all about the sleepover?

 

Is there any chance the friend is just shy? Could she have been the one to lock the door and not your dd? A lot of people lock doors behind them, so she may not have been intentionally trying to keep you out of your dd's room.

 

I'm really trying to understand this and to find a way to see your side of it, because I know you're a reasonable person, so I can't help but think that there's a backstory with this friend that we haven't heard yet. You don't seem like the kind of person who would get upset and want to punish your dd and send her friend home over a midnight kitchen run for some cereal, so I feel like this girl has done other things to negatively influence your dd.

 

Whatever the case, I'm sorry you're upset. It's so frustrating to want someone out of your house and feel like you can't just show them the door. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

She has never broke the rules for a friend before. I am fine with them eating mine knows what to eat though. We also live 20 miles from town so unless want to run to town everyday I have to budget things out ya know? I don't want to punish her but I want to know how should I talk to her over the locking of the door, having a child dropped off knowing my rule is to speak to the parent having no way to contact parent and what is so secretive they have to stay locked in her room?

 

This girl is totally different from any of her friends even my little kids don't like her and won't say why either. Both my youngest daughter and son says the girl makes them feel creepy?????:confused: What does that mean even?

[Skadi]

It means they are reacting to your opinion of her.

[gardenmom5]

Could it be the guest is staying out of sight because you have been irritated since the beginning? You seem to have right off the bat not liked her because she was dropped off by someone young who was not her mother. Then, you were upset that she lied about not eating. And it just continued. If any of the anger/irritation you've shown in your posts here made it through to your guest, I would have probably hidden as well. Not being snarky, just trying to imagine being 15 and showing up at a house where it seemed the mom really didn't want me there.

 

:iagree: we once stayed with my sil's former inlaws while driving through oregon. her xfil is very gruff - it was also the very first time I'd met them. I wanted to leave because he made me feel unwelcome. I had to reconsider when dh commented "bill was really quite civil. impressive." (*that* was civil? I'd hate to know what disgruntled was like!)

[Jenny in Florida]

Yes, I'm afraid I agree with the others that you seem to be over-reacting.

 

I am angry over the locking of the door, and ignoring the rules period. She is also not allowed any food at all in her room. We live in FL you are asking for bugs doing that stuff. They had already made 2 bags of popcorn. I don't see how anyone could eat over half a bag These are big bags of cereal. I am a very good hostess. Her other friends adore eating here because I cook. I was taught that kids eat what is served, I always did.

 

If my kid was picky and they went somewhere I would send them food or tell them to starve. I can say that if my kids are in your home they would never ask for anything that is not being served, they may decline but they wouldn't ask for something different or complain or outright lie saying they already ate. If she would have been honest I may have offered something but she point blank told a lie with the I already ate I heard her saying she didn't like what I made.

 

 

Couple of things here:

 

First, teens can eat a lot. We always think of it being teen boys, but my daughter will tell you that girls are very much the same way. For a teenaged girl who hasn't eaten dinner, it doesn't seem to me that two bags of popcorn, shared with another girl, are unusual.

 

And, really, I don't think it would occur to most kids that cereal was rationed.

 

Also, it sounds to me like you're imposing your own parenting values on a child who is not yours and who isn't even familiar with the rules in your house. I have two kids who very often won't "eat what is served." We've taught them to be polite about it when offered food by other people, but between the vegan thing and the comes-with-being-gifted sensory thing, they often cannot eat food other families consider "normal." My suspicion is that your guest may be a picky eater -- which I know is looked down upon here, but whatever -- and she was actually trying to make a polite excuse by saying she already ate. Given that you made a big deal about wrapping up the left-overs, she may have been embarrased to ask for anything different even though she did get hungry later in the evening.

 

You may not approve of parents "allowing" their kids to get away with being picky eaters, but this is a guest, not your child to train.

 

As for your daughter, if she were mine we'd have a serious talk about the door-locking thing if that is a rule in your home. I won't get into whether I think that is a reasonable rule.

 

But as for the food? Your daughter was likely in a tough position, trying to be polite to a first-time-in-your-home guest. While I would probably, after the friend is gone, have a frank discussion with my kid about the family's financial situation and make clear that food rules don't go out the window just because she has a guest, I don't think I'd come down on her too hard. I suspect she just didn't know what to do with a guest who was hungry but couldn't or wouldn't eat the only food you had approved for her.

 

From my experience, teens expect that "sleepovers" will include a certain amount of late-night junk food.

 

In the future, I might discuss with my daughter in advance what the menu for the sleepover could be. I can usually whip up some cookies or similar, inexpensive snacks out of what's in the pantry, for example. I'd also encourage my daughter to let the guest know in advance what will be served for dinner. Many, many kids these days have all kinds of food issues. (In my son's group of close friends, we have one kid with severe food allergies, one recently-diagnosed diabetic, one boy with autism and an assortment of sensitivities and one picky vegetarian in addition to my vegan son. Planning the menu for a party is fun, let me tell you.) It's not safe to assume any guest will be comfortable or safe eating any given meal. Even better, I try to chat with the parents and ask specifically about food. We have friends whose son has multiple, severe food allergies and who are on a tight budget. Invitations to their home ALWAYS include a rough plan for what food will be available for guests and a note that, if your kid requires other eatables, you should please send something.

 

I do understand the frustration, but I don't think there's anyone to "blame" here.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Jenny in Florida

[Jenny in Florida]

My son couldn't eat that, because of the dairy, and would feel badly saying so. He would feel he was being nice by just munching on dry cereal later. And how would she know that apples and oranges are ok to eat but not the cereal?

 

My kids would have been out of luck, too.

[Slipper]

When my middle daughter (who is 10, so younger than yours) meets someone new, there is a "honeymoon" phase where she wants to please them so the friendship will continue. I try to ignore it, since it usually only lasts a week or so, but for that week, we will hear about the new friend all day long. If there is a playdate, I try to be very aware of what they are doing since she will break a rule here or there if she feels awkward about saying "no".

 

I'm thinking maybe your daughter has a great admiration for this friend and thought bending a few rules was okay. I would talk with her afterwards and tell her that rules are for a reason and ask what she was thinking when she broke them. (Not in a mean way, sometimes it may be that it's time to relax the rules because there is a good reason. For example, if the girl was crying and upset but wanted to make sure nobody walked in, would locking the door still make you so angry?)

 

I agree with the others about the cereal. :) If you know a sleepover is coming, make a basket of food (popcorn, cereal, muffins, cookies, etc) and tell them that they can snack out of that basket but if they touch anything else you will chop off all ten fingers. :)

 

I'd also allow food in rooms for sleepovers with the understanding that it's all cleaned up immediately the following morning.

 

This girl may spend all of her time in her room at her own home. Her home life may not be great and if so, she'll be shy around adults. (I know this from experience).

 

Take a deep breath and talk with your daughter. :grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

It means they are reacting to your opinion of her.

 

 

I don't think they know my opinion of her I have been nice to the girl I didn't know their opinion until this morning I didn't even show aggravtion to the kids when I was hunting down cereal. The little girl won't play in her room she is dragging toys all over I asked why they both chimed in that that new girl makes them feel creepy. I asked why they said just cause. They played in their a bit lastnight so now I am wondering if she did something or said something to them.

[Jenny in Florida]

I have tried to talk to the kid she answers in one word and avoids eye contact but behind the door I can hear her talking just fine. I don't think she likes adults and she seems really sneaky.

 

Or maybe she knows you don't like her.

 

Again, I don't think it's unusual for a first-time teen guest to spend most of her time away from parents she doesn't know or feel comforable with.

[gardenmom5]

I focused on the cereal because I was aggravated this is not it it is the lieing, the not talking to a parent but having exuses why I can't the locking of the door the way she really won't converse with me. Her other friends come here and love it here.

 

.

I agree with other pps, I think the girl lied about eating to not hurt your feelings and I would let that go unless you want to be very upfront in that you "can handle the truth". (even if it might hurt your feelings.)

the fact other girls come over and love it makes me think there is something else going on here that your daughter knows about but hasn't yet confided in you. especially as "can she spend the night" was automatically taken as 'two nights' with leaving on sunday but was scaled back when you protested.

the "mother's phone is broken", dad works all day, she avoids eye contact, and gives one word answers? that to me makes me wonder what her homelife is like.

[clarkacademy]

When my middle daughter (who is 10, so younger than yours) meets someone new, there is a "honeymoon" phase where she wants to please them so the friendship will continue. I try to ignore it, since it usually only lasts a week or so, but for that week, we will hear about the new friend all day long. If there is a playdate, I try to be very aware of what they are doing since she will break a rule here or there if she feels awkward about saying "no".

 

I'm thinking maybe your daughter has a great admiration for this friend and thought bending a few rules was okay. I would talk with her afterwards and tell her that rules are for a reason and ask what she was thinking when she broke them. (Not in a mean way, sometimes it may be that it's time to relax the rules because there is a good reason. For example, if the girl was crying and upset but wanted to make sure nobody walked in, would locking the door still make you so angry?)

 

I agree with the others about the cereal. :) If you know a sleepover is coming, make a basket of food (popcorn, cereal, muffins, cookies, etc) and tell them that they can snack out of that basket but if they touch anything else you will chop off all ten fingers. :)

 

I'd also allow food in rooms for sleepovers with the understanding that it's all cleaned up immediately the following morning.

 

This girl may spend all of her time in her room at her own home. Her home life may not be great and if so, she'll be shy around adults. (I know this from experience).

 

Take a deep breath and talk with your daughter. :grouphug:

 

If you had food out all night you will wake up to mountains of ants in the morning this is FL. This rule is a must period I don't care what your home life is like my house is not having bugs in it period. My daughter knows what snacks are and there is plenty of other stuff. I live 20 miles from town popcorn, fruit, cheese crackers are snacks cereal is breakfast. I have never seen another mother letting a guest not follow the rules. My kids would never expect not following the house rules at anothers home.

 

I have never had a kid here that felt my rules were unfair either.

[clarkacademy]

Or maybe she knows you don't like her.

 

Again, I don't think it's unusual for a first-time teen guest to spend most of her time away from parents she doesn't know or feel comforable with.

 

 

I have never seen this before maybe I don't know teens well. My friends loved coming to our house growing up and all her other friends have too like I stated I kept 2 of them for 3 years I fought the courts and lost to their bio mom. If she didn't like it I am pretty open her other friends have come to me with anything including a sexual assault.

 

I don't know what I could be doing that this kid will not come near me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

See I have never faced this before at all. Her other friends call and talk to me on the phone we watch movies eat popcorn etc this is all very odd to me

 

Which proves that you have a relationship with her other friends. It is rather unfair to judge a girl on not immediately having a relationship with you if she's never met you before.

[clarkacademy]

I agree with other pps, I think the girl lied about eating to not hurt your feelings and I would let that go unless you want to be very upfront in that you "can handle the truth". (even if it might hurt your feelings.)

the fact other girls come over and love it makes me think there is something else going on here that your daughter knows about but hasn't yet confided in you. especially as "can she spend the night" was automatically taken as 'two nights' with leaving on sunday but was scaled back when you protested.

the "mother's phone is broken", dad works all day, she avoids eye contact, and gives one word answers? that to me makes me wonder what her homelife is like.

 

Wouldn't hurt my feelings my daughter knows this. She knows I want people to be comfy here.

[gardenmom5]

I don't think they know my opinion of her I have been nice to the girl I didn't know their opinion until this morning I didn't even show aggravtion to the kids when I was hunting down cereal. The little girl won't play in her room she is dragging toys all over I asked why they both chimed in that that new girl makes them feel creepy. I asked why they said just cause. They played in their a bit lastnight so now I am wondering if she did something or said something to them.

 

it's not just the words spoken - it's *how* they are said, what inflections, what gestures go with it, etc. if this girl really does have issues in her homelife - that can automatically make her far more sensitive to perceived criticism, real OR imagined.

 

I once had a neice make a comment to me that my daughters had told her to say. I was really ticked at her and how she said it. I later realized it was HOW she said it that I was reacting to. If my daughter's had said it they way *they* say things (especially 2dd who can get away with alot because of her delivery), I would have laughed and probably given them what they wanted. My neice came across as having very strong chip on her shoulder wtih a petulantly defiant attitude.

[TranquilMind]

Yes.

I agree. I'm sorry, but I thought your story was going to get much, much worse, as to what you were going to find going on behind that locked door. Eating your bag of cereal is an annoyance, and I'd be annoyed too, but also relieved that it wasn't worse.

[clarkacademy]

Which proves that you have a relationship with her other friends. It is rather unfair to judge a girl on not immediately having a relationship with you if she's never met you before.

 

But she is not trying too and I feel like I should discuss this after she leaves. Her other friends are all happy people mostly. I had no choice but to have a relationship with them they come to me. We had major flooding here and alot of kids were posting on facebook if we lose our house no worries so and so my daughter mom will take us all in. One even commented that she loves coming here cause I feed her :lol:

[Jenny in Florida]

I have never seen this before maybe I don't know teens well.

 

I was a shy teen. I usually preferred to stay in my friends' rooms as much as possible when I went visiting, even when I knew the parents reasonably well. And, although I know my daughter's friends pretty well and like to think they are comfortable with me, when she has people to stay they often hang out primarily in her room.

 

Now, my son's friends are a whole other ball of wax. I've known most of them since they were shorter than me, and some of them since they were preschool age. I've taught them in Sunday school and had them over at my house more times than I can count. When they come over, they are all over the house and have no problem talking to me (all the time . . .).

[gardenmom5]

Wouldn't hurt my feelings my daughter knows this. She knows I want people to be comfy here.

but the other girl does not.

 

My son has had girlfriends from families with "issues". they have tried to get him to lie to me because THEY were *afraid* of me racting the same way their own parents react. I have a great relationship with my son, and we've been through some tough things in our relationship where he *now* absolutely KNOWS I will put what is best for him first, and that he will not be rejected.

 

this is an opportunity for that kind of conversation with your daughter about trust. you said she's a good kid, help her to understand she can also *always* trust you. remember, she's also 15.

 

and I still want to know what this other girls homelife is like.

 

 

eta: though to be fair, 1dd had a friend who was absolutely intimidated by us for quite awhile (she's also ocd) and barely spoke to us. Now, she's very comfortable coming over and just walking in the house even if dd isn't here.

Edited July 14, 2012 by gardenmom5

[elfgivas]

It means they are reacting to your opinion of her.

 

maybe. but also maybe not.

 

i am a great believer in listening to my gut. if my gut is concerned, there is usually a reason. sometimes its because the person just irritates me, but most often its because there is something worth paying attention to. and when my littles react, i pay attention Every Single Time.

 

so if she is still there, i'd call dd out of the bedroom and tell her that they've been in the room long enough, and its time to go out and play, or play a board game with the family or ?? that part of being a guest is interacting with other folks.

 

your house, your rules....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[TranquilMind]

I just don't feel comfortable not speaking to her mom because supposedly her phone is broke and her dad is working all day and cannot get calls.

 

I can see how you thought it was the Mom, originally.

 

Yes, there is something not right about this scenario. I never let a kid come over without clearing it with the parent first, nor would I send my kid to someone with a person-to-person clearance.

[Catwoman]

I think you should definitely try to get to the bottom of the "creepy" vibe your other kids are feeling toward this girl.

 

To those of us who haven't met the kid, you seem to be overly hostile toward her, but if your Mom Radar kicked in and you have that "something isn't right" feeling, I am more than willing to give you the benefit of the doubt -- especially because your other kids are feeling it, too.

 

I hope you can find a way to casually weasel your kids into telling you what makes them feel uncomfortable with your dd's friend.

 

I'm hoping that she's a nice kid who is uncomfortable around new people, and that she'll warm up and become more outgoing and friendly as she gets to know you. We've all met people who seem strangely shy or stand-offish, and later find out that they are just incredibly uneasy or shy at first and then turn out to be great friends, so maybe this girl is the same way. She has no problem talking and having fun with your dd, so maybe her relationship with adults hasn't been exactly stellar, and she needs time to feel like she fits in when she visits your home.

[ktgrok]

If you had food out all night you will wake up to mountains of ants in the morning this is FL. This rule is a must period I don't care what your home life is like my house is not having bugs in it period.

 

Ok, your daughter should have clarified this to the gues, but again...I live in Florida too and don't have bugs, and my son sometimes eats in his room. (but then brings it out when done.)

My daughter knows what snacks are and there is plenty of other stuff. I live 20 miles from town popcorn, fruit, cheese crackers are snacks cereal is breakfast.

 

Again, gently, if your husband's coworker or friend was staying over for some reason, and asked for some cereal for a snack, would you have felt totally comfortable saying no? Given that it was his first time there? Or would have you have felt awkward denying a guest something?If you would have felt awkward at all imagine how much more awkward your daughter would feel.

[Acorn]

If you had food out all night you will wake up to mountains of ants in the morning this is FL. This rule is a must period I don't care what your home life is like my house is not having bugs in it period. My daughter knows what snacks are and there is plenty of other stuff. I live 20 miles from town popcorn, fruit, cheese crackers are snacks cereal is breakfast. I have never seen another mother letting a guest not follow the rules. My kids would never expect not following the house rules at anothers home.

 

I have never had a kid here that felt my rules were unfair either.

 

We have a house rule of food stays in the kitchen also, but we don't enforce that during parties (or sleepovers when the day comes). If your dd gets ants in her room, well that is just a natural consequence. Maybe you should ask the girls to vacuum to room this afternoon to help prevent it.

 

Many teenagers isolated themselves within a house. I know hosting sleepovers that I did even thought that wasn't normal daily life. My bedroom door was wide open day and night (to get air circulation), but if I had friends over we would close to door to talk.

 

I can see many people getting trapped by politeness vs. truth regarding dinner. I don't know how she should have handled it. I get the sense that you were not going to make another entree that would be pleasing to her.

 

Friendships are hard. You are not going to like everyone that your dd likes. At 15, there are really serious areas to be concerned about ie. illegal or adult behaviors. I would keep things open with dd to be sure that those aren't an issue and totally excuse minor sleepover silliness.

[clarkacademy]

I can see how you thought it was the Mom, originally.

 

Yes, there is something not right about this scenario. I never let a kid come over without clearing it with the parent first, nor would I send my kid to someone with a person-to-person clearance.

 

The sister in law was just kinda here she is she can call her dad when she wants to go home OK thanks bye driving out the road??? Then I am told he can't have calls all day due to work. Seems like there are some lies somewhere.

[Davysmom]

I think your instincts are telling you something. While you may have over reacted to a situation, I think your on guard for a reason.

 

I have dealt with that - something just doesn't add up or feel right. The little things don't seem like a big when you say them out loud or share with others, there is something you can't put your finger on, so you keep looking at the actions/behaviors to figure out what is going on.

 

In our case, it was a series of little things, and we kept thinking we were over reacting to those silly things like locking the door. Dh tends to under react, so he kept me from getting upset. But then dh started to see it, and finally we got to see more. It's tough with certain friends.

 

If I were you, I would try to get to know this friend/family and talk to your daughter later. The friend wouldn't come over again until I had talked to the mom/dad.

[QueenCat]

 

I have tried to talk to the kid she answers in one word and avoids eye contact but behind the door I can hear her talking just fine. I don't think she likes adults and she seems really sneaky.

 

Or she isn't used to adults taking an interest in her.

[Acorn]

The sister in law was just kinda here she is she can call her dad when she wants to go home OK thanks bye driving out the road??? Then I am told he can't have calls all day due to work. Seems like there are some lies somewhere.

 

Could mean that dad is available for calls and to pick up when he is off work. I would be honest with the kids and say "I haven't met your parents, on the off chance that a twister takes you to the land of OZ, I need a list of names and numbers for emergency purposes."

[Murphy101]

I have mixed feelings.

 

I didn't read past the first page.

 

I think if a minor guest said they had already eaten, I would make an offer in a few hours to reheat later, and note they can have a bowl of ramon or a couple pieces of fruit. If they still said no, then I would half jokingly say that the kitchen doesn't reopen until morning and are they sure they can make it to breakfast without eating?

 

I would be horrified if one of my children, especially over age 10, refused to come to the table when visiting. If they don't want to eat, they should still come sit at the table and be companionable.

 

NONE of my children would ever presume to raid your pantry. :o

Did she say she was hungry and your dd offered? THAT I understand and I wouldn't be mad at either for.

 

Why do you have a lock on a door if you would get mad if it were used? That's just odd.

 

But we don't allow closed doors, and even my bathrooms don't have locks.

 

I think if you had actually made arrangements directly, there is less chance of surprise wrt pickup times.

 

I'd be bothered about the food bc I do understand strict budgets.

But most of your complaint seems excessive or easily avoidable and none of it seems all that awful of teen behavior. Teens are still refining their manners and hunger is a constant thing.

[Jenny in Florida]

If you had food out all night you will wake up to mountains of ants in the morning this is FL. This rule is a must period I don't care what your home life is like my house is not having bugs in it period. My daughter knows what snacks are and there is plenty of other stuff. I live 20 miles from town popcorn, fruit, cheese crackers are snacks cereal is breakfast. I have never seen another mother letting a guest not follow the rules. My kids would never expect not following the house rules at anothers home.

 

I have never had a kid here that felt my rules were unfair either.

 

Huh.

 

We live in Florida. My daughter eats in her room frequently. Her guests do, too. It owuld never occur to me not to allow it unless we'd had a specific problem. (We haven't.)

 

What I think is unfair here is that you're upset that the other kid hasn't followed your rules, even though she had no way of knowing they existed.

 

(And, for what it's worth, I don't think I'd feel especially comfortable in your home, either, given the way you've described your irritation with this guest.)

[clarkacademy]

Again, gently, if your husband's coworker or friend was staying over for some reason, and asked for some cereal for a snack, would you have felt totally comfortable saying no? Given that it was his first time there? Or would have you have felt awkward denying a guest something?If you would have felt awkward at all imagine how much more awkward your daughter would feel.

 

 

If he was going to sit there and basically eat my kids breakfast yeah I would have said I am sorry thats their breakfast you can have more popcorn some crackers with cheese fruit or leftovers. Same thing she would have said to any other kid. I wouldn't even have cared if they ate a bowl of cereal as long as dishes came out of the room I would have been annoyed but tolerant. They ate almost an entire bag of cereal.

 

That a weeks worth of breakfast These are HUGE economy size bags of cereal. I feed two boys two girls every day I only have to buy 3 a month. The only time I have seen anyone eat that much is when my brother used to get high.

[Joker]

 

That a weeks worth of breakfast These are HUGE economy size bags of cereal. I feed two boys two girls every day I only have to buy 3 a month. The only time I have seen anyone eat that much is when my brother used to get high.

 

When my dh was only 10, he had his first sleepover. The host said he could eat as much as he wanted and he proceeded to eat an entire box of cereal. :tongue_smilie: He had never been told he could eat until full because things were very budgeted in his house and the rule was one bowl. Her eating half a box wouldn't be on my radar as weird. Some kids (even my two dainty girls) can seriously eat.

[Guest submarines]

Could it be the guest is staying out of sight because you have been irritated since the beginning? You seem to have right off the bat not liked her because she was dropped off by someone young who was not her mother. Then, you were upset that she lied about not eating. And it just continued. If any of the anger/irritation you've shown in your posts here made it through to your guest, I would have probably hidden as well. Not being snarky, just trying to imagine being 15 and showing up at a house where it seemed the mom really didn't want me there.

 

:iagree:

[thefragile7393]

Huh.

 

We live in Florida. My daughter eats in her room frequently. Her guests do, too. It owuld never occur to me not to allow it unless we'd had a specific problem. (We haven't.)

 

What I think is unfair here is that you're upset that the other kid hasn't followed your rules, even though she had no way of knowing they existed.

 

(And, for what it's worth, I don't think I'd feel especially comfortable in your home, either, given the way you've described your irritation with this guest.)

:iagree: I have to agree. I would try to get to know the girl first before assuming anything. Talk with the daughter and remind of house rules and remind her why they need to be followed. Ask her about the girl and her home life. When it comes to teens don't assume anything. There is no use in sitting and speculating when it is more productive to try to get to the bottom of things. It may explain her behavior and persona. Try to even get to know her, although kids are pretty sensitive and can pick up when someone does not like them or if they feel like someone does not like them.

[Murphy101]

I never ever allow food in the kids rooms. Ever.

 

But that's not the company problem. Your dd should have just said she isn't allowed food in bedrooms.

 

Idk. None of what you say would be a deal breaker with me.

 

But if for whatever reason the girl gave me a bad vibe, then that's that.

 

And my kids know it. I've said exactly that and they have learned to never question it. And they know I will respect their vibes too.

[Brilliant]

Even if you are on a budget, I think hospitality dictates that you shouldn't invite guests over if you can't spare half a bag of cereal.

 

 

This. I understand being on a budget, but I think your daughter was in an impossible situation when her friend asked for the cereal. What could she have said?

1. yes (disobeying your rules)

2. no (making her look cheap/selfish/weird)

3. let me ask my mom - and then YOU would have said, "No, you have to eat your lasagna first!" That really flies against your earlier statement that your daughter knows you want your guests to be comfy. If you want your guests to be comfy - give them cereal if they ask. I honestly don't understand how food was wasted - can someone else eat the lasagna at another meal? It's certainly a more costly item than the cereal.

 

The ONLY thing I would talk to my daughter about after friend leaves is the locked door. "Remember our rule, honey - no locked doors!"

[Guest submarines]

That may be so if my daughter didn't have the master bedroom with her own private bathroom. The door wasn't locked before when she was in the bathroom taking a shower because youngest was in there playing. This was at 1 am this morning when everyone else was asleep.

 

I have tried to talk to the kid she answers in one word and avoids eye contact but behind the door I can hear her talking just fine. I don't think she likes adults and she seems really sneaky.

 

This is such a huge negative judgment on your behalf. What if she's just shy? Even if you didn't say anything, believe me, she can sense that you don't like her and want her gone. She's in a really uncomfortable situation, and no wonder she doesn't want to come out of the bedroom.

[WishboneDawn]

See I have never faced this before at all. Her other friends call and talk to me on the phone we watch movies eat popcorn etc this is all very odd to me

 

Good grief. Not all teens are the same.

 

I was a very shy teen. Painfully shy at times. I was generally uncomfortable with my friends parents because those were new people I didn't know. Especially the very first time I met them.

 

And so she lied about the meal. She may have thought a white lie was more polite then telling you she didn't like what you made or was to embarrassed to admit she didn't like it.

 

You're likely a very warm and welcoming person and most teens pick up on that but some won't due to their own issues. It's not because there's something wrong with them, it's just how it is.

 

If I were you I'd just let go of the whole rigamarole and give the girl a few chances to get to know you and your family culture. Have a clear talk with your daughter about expectations before she gets to your house but don't read too much into one evening that didn't go as smooth as it could have.

[justasque]

It seems like this kid may be different than others you have hosted. She has little parental involvement (or too much freedom), she didn't want lasagna, and she was very hungry. I think you are right to have some concerns about her, and to gently discuss these observations with your daughter to find out if she has any concerns of her own, and to brainstorm ways you both could have done things differently. It's not uncommon for teens to want to "rescue" troubled peers, and not uncommon for them to not realize that real-life situations are often way more complex than those that get wrapped up in a one-hour episode of Glee or whatever. This is especially true if they have always lived a happy life in a supportive family and community.

 

So yes, share your thoughts with your daughter, but do it in such a way that you're both on the same side. This is not the time to blame your daughter for the missing cereal, or to assume that she was in cahoots with the guest to deceive you in some way. It's a time to let her know you support her, that you don't always have all the answers, and that you can be relied upon to help problem-solve without putting your dd on the spot in front of a new friend.

 

Be honest with her that you have learned some lessons here. Things like being a bit more cautious about sleepovers (rather than day visits) might be your own take-away from this.

 

I wonder, too, how she felt about the sleep-over from the beginning. Does she know that if someone is asking her to do something, she can ask you to be the one to say no? "I asked my mom, and she said absolutely not. She's just horrible to me. Sorry."

[astrid]

This is such a huge negative judgment on your behalf. What if she's just shy? Even if you didn't say anything, believe me, she can sense that you don't like her and want her gone. She's in a really uncomfortable situation, and no wonder she doesn't want to come out of the bedroom.

 

I agree. None of what has been described by the OP would make me bat an eye. I feel badly for both girls.

 

astrid

[QueenCat]

My daughter knows what snacks are and there is plenty of other stuff. I live 20 miles from town popcorn, fruit, cheese crackers are snacks cereal is breakfast. I have never seen another mother letting a guest not follow the rules. My kids would never expect not following the house rules at anothers home.

 

 

But did your daughter tell the guest that cereal is not a snack? Or not allowed? Even if it is not normally a snack, I can't imagine not letting a guest have some for a snack. Or expecting my child to tell someone they can't have it.

[Galatea]

I have never seen this before maybe I don't know teens well. My friends loved coming to our house growing up and all her other friends have too like I stated I kept 2 of them for 3 years I fought the courts and lost to their bio mom. If she didn't like it I am pretty open her other friends have come to me with anything including a sexual assault.

 

I don't know what I could be doing that this kid will not come near me.

 

This, combined with the comment you made about talking to your daughter's friends on the phone, makes it sound like you are trying to be a mom to your daughter's friends instead of just their friend's mom. It's possible that this girl just isn't interested, has bad enough experiences with moms that she is leery of you, or just shy. I think you should examine your motives. Don't be mad at your daughter's friend because she doesn't want to fulfill YOUR needs.

 

Just deal with the rule-breaking alone with your daughter after her friend leaves. Though if your daughter is a good kid most of the time like you said, you probably only need to remind her and let her know you expect her to follow the rules, but you understand that sometimes it can be difficult with friends, and she needs to work on that.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

The only time I have seen anyone eat that much is when my brother used to get high.

 

I should introduce you to my boys. I don't even keep much cereal around - they inhale it like an appetizer.