S/O--- WORKING Moms? Show of Hands?

[dangermom]

But see, here's my point--- you don't KNOW what their priorities are, or what their life is like, or what goes on behind their doors.

 

Your priorities are not hers, and hers are not yours. And that's okay, right? If not, why isn't it?

 

astrid

 

Then why the going on and on about how lucky the SAHM is? If her priorities are different and that's fine, why not own the choice?

 

It's a bit like homeschooling, when you tell some random stranger that you homeschool and you get back a defensive statement about why the stranger can't homeschool. It's not like you care, right? But something in the stranger's mind makes them feel like they're somehow not doing it right, and it manifests as a 'Oh you're so lucky, I would do that but here's why I can't' thing when really--you don't care and you wish they would just own their choice as different and OK too. And you think 'Look, if that's what you really actually wanted to do, you'd probably figure out a way. So probably you don't really want to homeschool, and that's OK, but quit with the defensiveness.'

Edited July 13, 2012 by dangermom

[MedicMom]

I work because I love what I do and I do not like being a full time SAHM. I've tried it and wound up angry and depressed. I only work about 24 hours a week which seems to work out well for us as a family. The kids are either with DH or a grandma.

 

I do not apologize for doing what is best for my family or myself.

[SKL]

Then why the going on and on about how lucky the SAHM is? If her priorities are different and that's fine, why not own the choice?

 

It's a bit like homeschooling, when you tell some random stranger that you homeschool and you get back a defensive statement about why the stranger can't homeschool. It's not like you care, right? But something in the stranger's mind makes them feel like they're somehow not doing it right, and it manifests as a 'Oh you're so lucky, I would do that but here's why I can't' thing when really--you don't care and you wish they would just own their choice as different and OK too. And you think 'Look, if that's what you really actually wanted to do, you'd probably figure out a way. So probably you don't really want to homeschool, and that's OK, but quit with the defensiveness.'

 

Honestly, I think this comes from ongoing defensiveness on both sides. Someone you meet tells you something, and you're supposed to smile and say something supportive, whether or not you can personally relate. You try to relate in some way and you come up with some clumsy response that you hope sounds supportive, without putting your own self down. Because if you just say "that's nice," there will be an awkward silence, and most people dread awkward silences.

 

When you find someone being defensive like that in a conversation, it's time to find a better subject to discuss - one that both can actually relate to.

 

As for those who judge those who have a nice life AND work - that is no better than any other kind of judging. So if I get paid 5x what my neighbor gets paid and we both work 40hrs, that makes her a better mom than me? It makes no sense. Her kids are OK and my kids are OK.

[Aurelia]

I work full time, outside the house. I hate it, but we need the income and insurance. I'd quit in a heartbeat.

[Alice]

I work part-time. My dh also works part-time so together we make sort of one full-time stay at home parent. It’s a lot of juggling for both of us but it works for us.

[Heather in Neverland]

I work full time as a school principal and I LOVE MY JOB!!!!! :D

[sparrow]

:seeya:

 

I've held a job, of one kind, or another, since I was 15. That's 27 straight years!

[Nakia]

I've always been a working mom. I'm a nurse. I used to work 3-4 shifts per month, but I've recently taken on more hours; I now work 60-72 hours per month. I love my job, and I love knowing I am contributing to our household. If I didn't work work, my husband would have to take on 1 or 2 extra jobs, and we'd never see him at all. :(

 

I know what you mean about the comments, astrid. It stings, that's for sure.

[aggieamy]

DH and I both work full time from home so our time is very flexible. We have an engineering company and it's a love/hate relationship I've got going on with it. I love being my own boss but it also keeps me awake at night sometimes worrying that it's up to me to be successful. Eek! No stress there. :glare: I tell DH that we can't fail because neither of us could hack it in the real world anymore.

[AlmiraGulch]

I work full-time (and then some). Some days I wish I didn't have to, but I have always been the primary (and often sole) supporter for my family, even when I was married previously for 10+ years (let's just say he had "difficulties' holding a job).

 

I like what I do well enough. I make a good living. I travel more than I'd like, but when I'm not with a client I work from home, which gives me a good bit of flexibility.

 

Truth be told.....if I had some sort of financial windfall tomorrow, I would not work anymore. I used to think I wanted a career. Turns out I really just wanted the paycheck.

[madteaparty]

Working mom here, but I only after- and summer- school, and very much (rightly so) feel like an outsider here. But these boards are a great resource, I learn quite a bit, and I have no need to be an "insider" which I could not be by definition ;)

[astrid]

Then why the going on and on about how lucky the SAHM is? If her priorities are different and that's fine, why not own the choice?

 

It's a bit like homeschooling, when you tell some random stranger that you homeschool and you get back a defensive statement about why the stranger can't homeschool. It's not like you care, right? But something in the stranger's mind makes them feel like they're somehow not doing it right, and it manifests as a 'Oh you're so lucky, I would do that but here's why I can't' thing when really--you don't care and you wish they would just own their choice as different and OK too. And you think 'Look, if that's what you really actually wanted to do, you'd probably figure out a way. So probably you don't really want to homeschool, and that's OK, but quit with the defensiveness.'

 

:001_huh: HUH? Where did I go on about how lucky the SAHM is? I like my job. I wouldn't want to stay at home. I never said SAHM's are "lucky."

 

I don't think I"m defensive either. A thread was started about SAHM's so I started one about working moms, because honestly, I do feel in the minority here, and I doubt I"m the only one.

 

Sheesh. Maybe I'm misreading your post but wow. Not sure where that came from.

 

astrid

[dangermom]

Sorry, perhaps I was not clear enough. I quoted you in relation to ocelotmom's comment:

 

Only when they go on and on to my face about how LUCKY we are to be able to have a stay at home parent/homeschool and how they couldn't possibly afford it, when we get by on less than half of their combined earnings and it's clearly a question of priorities

 

 

I did not mean that you were defensive yourself, or that you ever said SAHMs are lucky.

 

As I said above, I work part-time myself. But it seems to me that a lot of people here do--a surprising number, since the majority of us are also homeschooling children which is a pretty big job all by itself.

[kroe1]

me! I work 25 hours a week at a hospital in the ER. :001_smile:

 

Me too!

[Kirch]

I work part-time: I'm the music director for our church, I substitute at our local school district, and I teach voice lessons. I'll probably drop the voice lessons after the baby comes (driving 20 minutes one way for *maybe* two lessons just isn't worth it), and subbing will be on hold indefinitely as well.

[astrid]

LOL...you do sound defensive. I get it. I sometimes feel defensive too. I don't know why it's so hard for people to talk about what they do and what their lives are like without coming across as saying it's better.

 

Well yes-- defensive about dangermom's post, but about choosing to work? Nope. However, I read posts here all the time, and read one just today in fact, about how households with two parents working could manage on one income if they wanted to give up some perceived "lifestyle choice." All I"m saying is that we THINK we know what others lives are like, and why they make the choices they do, but we really don't. Maybe the "lifestyle" people choose to support is a speedboat. Maybe it's groceries. In the same way some here feel looked down upon for staying home, working moms feel judged for their decision to work. And either option is okay, even though it might be a choice we personally would make, right?

 

astrid

[astrid]

Sorry, perhaps I was not clear enough. I quoted you in relation to ocelotmom's comment:

 

 

 

I did not mean that you were defensive yourself, or that you ever said SAHMs are lucky.

 

As I said above, I work part-time myself. But it seems to me that a lot of people here do--a surprising number, since the majority of us are also homeschooling children which is a pretty big job all by itself.

 

Thanks for the clarification-- since you quoted my post, I surmised you were responding to my comments. I agree about the surprising number of working moms here. Which makes me wonder about all the "well you could make it on one income if you really WANTED to, and were willing to sacrifice luxuries." Maybe the "luxuries" we're talking about are changing. Maybe now it's "groceries" or "medical bills" and not country club memberships and convertibles.

 

astrid

[duckabell]

I work part-time from home. I was going to quit when baby number three was born, but now I will most likely continue after taking a short break. However, if I don't go back I will probably take a more active role in my husband's business and work for him. I am amazed at everyone who works and homeschools. I can see myself homeschooling and working for perhaps the first couple of years but then I think I will have to choose between working part-time or homeschooling.

 

I do have to say that I like making the extra money, but at the same time I would rather be in a place where that money was extra and it was more my choice to work or not instead of the money being a necessity. Yet in this economy I know that I am lucky to have a job.

[JennyD]

I went back to work this past year as a part-time university lecturer. I took the job mainly because (1) the university affiliation makes it infinitely easier to get published; and (2) despite being insured up the wazoo, the fear that something would happen to DH and I would be left holding the bag with a gaping hole in my resume was keeping me up at night. If the worst happened, my job wouldn't support us, but it's something that at least makes me a plausible candidate for a job that would.

 

IRL, nearly all of my mom friends work. I'm the oddity for being a (mostly) SAHM!

Edited July 13, 2012 by JennyD

[creekland]

I work part time subbing (mostly math/science) at our local high school. I started when we needed the money as hubby was making the jump to being self-employed. I found out I really liked it, so then I continued working even when most of my money was being donated to causes we liked and eating dinners out. Then, when the economy fell, we went back to using my income.

 

Now, after 13 years, I'm starting to get burned out some, but plan on "retiring" in a couple of years when youngest goes to college.

 

I won't actually retire. I never did like being 100% at home. It was too much of a rut for me. Instead, I'll just find something else to do IF we get to travel as I'm hoping.

 

As a bonus, if we ever truly needed it, I could get a full time teaching job with my school. It's nice security. I hope to never need it. I much prefer part time - esp when kids are at home.

[Donna]

I work two days a week. My husband home schools dd when I work.

[Catherine]

I work-have all since I was 13 (for pay) except for a few years when babies were in the house. I work about half time, but am doing closer to full time this summer-easier with older kids.

[SKL]

I agree about the surprising number of working moms here. Which makes me wonder about all the "well you could make it on one income if you really WANTED to, and were willing to sacrifice luxuries." Maybe the "luxuries" we're talking about are changing. Maybe now it's "groceries" or "medical bills" and not country club memberships and convertibles.

 

astrid

 

There is nothing wrong with luxuries - wanting them, having them, not wanting them, or not having them.

 

(And yes, luxuries are relative. A warm shower is an incredible luxury on most of our planet. Using drinkable water, no less! But I don't plan on feeling guilty the next time I step into the shower.)

 

I was reading the sister thread re SAHMs without income earlier today. At that time at least, I saw no negative, judgy comments. Every one I read was focused on what the parents decided was necessary or best for their own family, and that's how it should be. Maybe there are some moms out there whose kids are better off having them at hand 24/7. I am not one of them.

 

I "get off easy" because I'm single and my kids have no other parent. So the judging quickly turns to "oh, well in your case, I totally understand." But frankly, they don't need to understand. They need to focus on their own choices and respect mine (and yours).

[ourjourney]

I run an online retail business, selling cloth diapers and such, but it doesn't actually bring in much income, so I don't consider myself a work at home mom in that sense. I also sew for profit, but again, not much money or time.

[regentrude]

Wanted to add:

In our local homeschool group, most of the mothers work - it is a secular group, and there is no religious calling to stay home. The moms in our group teach GED classes, childbirth classes, community college courses, university classes, make pottery, make perfumes and sell them at Renaissance faires, petsit, clean houses, work as state park rangers, run workshops on alternative building methods, make and distribute jewelry, write articles, are doulas... almost everybody works in some capacity other than as a homemaker and homeschooling mother.

[ocelotmom]

Thanks for the clarification-- since you quoted my post, I surmised you were responding to my comments. I agree about the surprising number of working moms here. Which makes me wonder about all the "well you could make it on one income if you really WANTED to, and were willing to sacrifice luxuries." Maybe the "luxuries" we're talking about are changing. Maybe now it's "groceries" or "medical bills" and not country club memberships and convertibles.

 

astrid

 

Just to be absolutely clear... at this point, I'm a full-time working mom, and we're a two-income family. So my comment was definitely not intending to be bashing either working moms or two-income families! Yes, we prioritized luxuries like food and health care over me staying at home :) And I definitely *choose* to work outside the home. I could put in equal time and effort into at-home pursuits and we'd probably manage similarly. But the outside work is what I want to be doing, while staying home, gardening, and selling stuff on Etsy/Ebay isn't.

 

It's just that it's similar to saying, "You look great! I could never afford liposuction, but good for you!" to someone who lost weight.

 

Wanted to add:

In our local homeschool group, most of the mothers work - it is a secular group, and there is no religious calling to stay home. The moms in our group teach GED classes, childbirth classes, community college courses, university classes, make pottery, make perfumes and sell them at Renaissance faires, petsit, clean houses, work as state park rangers, run workshops on alternative building methods, make and distribute jewelry, write articles, are doulas... almost everybody works in some capacity other than as a homemaker and homeschooling mother.

This was true of the homeschool group I used to belong to, as well. I'd say there were more working moms than not. (And I really want to join your homeschooling group! Sounds like an interesting bunch!)

 

I agree with whoever it was that said that most of the judgement they've run into is online.

Edited July 13, 2012 by ocelotmom

[msk]

I work full time (40 hours, but with a flexible schedule) by combining two part-time jobs (postdoctoral researcher and adjunct instructor in college courses). We don't homeschool, but I like to do fun extra educational things with my kids and find a lot of resources for that here.

 

I'm one of those who could easily be accused of not "really needing" to work-- my income is (sadly) quite small, and if I stayed home it would make little difference financially as we currently pay for childcare of various sorts instead. The "luxury" I'm supporting is my own sanity, though; I tried staying home full time for a year and was very unhappy.

 

I've read comments on this board (not tons, but fairly regularly) suggesting women who feel like I do must be "selfish" or have some kind of unnatural lack of attachment to their kids, but they're wrong. :001_smile: I love my kids and would stay home if they needed me to, but we're lucky to have found childcare and schools we're happy with, and I know from experience that I'm a better mother when I'm not home all day.

 

I know I'm really lucky our family circumstances-- financially, in our kids' needs, in our access to childcare and schools, and especially in the worldview/belief system my family shares-- allow me a choice in the matter, as there are so many people who have no choice for some or all of those reasons. I sometimes wonder if a lot of the judgmental comments on both sides of the working/SAHM divide come from feelings of being trapped, but it's probably more complicated than that.

[Brigitte]

Isn't that funny....as a WORKING mom, *I* feel like an oddity. Especially among other homeschooling moms.

 

I always feel like people (often here) judge me harshly, and make assumptions that I"m only working because we're the greedy, selfish parents of an only child and want to fuel some extravagant lifestyle. (Ha! nothing could be further from the truth.)

 

I can't tell you how hurtful it is to read comments (again, here, mostly) from someone who doesn't know the first thing about me, my family or our situation yet feels perfectly justified in asserting that women like me don't really NEED to work.

 

I like to work. I want to have some retirement income. I want to feel somewhat secure in the knowledge that if something should happen to my dh, I could make the mortgage payment after our emergency fund ran out. And truthfully, no one knows how far that emergency fund will actually go if medical bills, etc. are suddenly a concern.

 

So am I the only one? Working moms--- give us a shout!

 

astrid

 

I am right there with you, Astrid. Can you imagine how I am feeling on this board these days when I tell you that I am Realtor? Talk about feeling like a total reject around here. I went to work when it was clear that dh could not make enough to support us anymore. This is not a case of want to, it is a case of have to.

 

I really try to make it a rule in my life that I won't judge others for making choices that I wouldn't make, because you never really know the real reason those people have made that choice.

[LaxMom]

Btw, I think FT working moms are an oddity in homeschooling circles simply because of the time demands of both, not because the vast majority of homeschoolers look down on women who work outside the home.

 

I can't imagine juggling both. In fact, it gets dicey at times with me working part time and my husband working every fourth day! When I hear the full-timers homeschooling, I feel like I've missed a secret somewhere. ;)

 

And, Brigitte, you're probably one who listens to her clients? And you have literacy on your side. :D (there do seem to be a disproportionate number of nutters representing in some fields, though, and from my experience, real estate is one... I wonder if it's because the crazies aren't noticed as much in that dynamic.)

Edited July 13, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[LMA]

I work as a freelancer from the house. I only take projects that I know I can finish in the timeframe given. I work because I want to work. I had many years when I did not work by choice.

 

I have worked anywhere from 10 hours to 50 hours a week. My husband helps out a lot when he gets home. He does the driving of the kids to hockey games/practice in the afternoons/weekends. He takes the baby with him when he can.

 

I have no secrets on how it gets done except I try very hard not to waste time. I bring my work with me when the kids have activities. I got rid of the cell phone as it was a time waster. I rarely go online for non-work reasons except for moments for like now. :001_smile:

 

I think people need to respect the choices others make for their families and leave it at that.

[QueenCat]

I went back to work this past year as a part-time university lecturer. I took the job mainly because (1) the university affiliation makes it infinitely easier to get published;

 

Not to sound stupid.... but is that the same thing as an adjunct professor? Dh just got hired as an adjunct (something he wants to do for fun, he'll still be keeping his day job)

[QueenCat]

I teach, one day a week, at a homeschool tutorial. Love it! I am thinking about going back in to substitute teaching. I enjoyed it before, and like the flexibility that I need right now.

[Liz CA]

I was home when we started homeschooling but as ds got older I worked part-time and I still work now.

[hmvaughan4]

I taught special needs preschool for seven years before losing my job two years ago. I now do developmental therapy for our state's Early Intervention program. I work between 5-12 hours per week on Saturday mornings/evenings. I love that I can work and still stay home. At this point, we don't use any of my income. It goes straight to savings for a down payment on a new home.

[Renee in NC]

I do! I work full-time. I wish I had grown my career years ago. I fell into the "it's too expensive for mom to work" trap. In my case it wouldn't be true, because I have always been able to make more than my dh. In addition, a few years of sacrifce (and breaking even on my work) would have had me making twice as much now.:glare:

 

I don't begudge SAHMs at all, I was just done with the constant sacrifices of needs in order for me to stay home. Things like dental work and medical care shouldn't be luxuries.

 

So I work. And, I actually enjoy it!:D

[Artichoke]

I teach, one day a week, at a homeschool tutorial. Love it! I am thinking about going back in to substitute teaching. I enjoyed it before, and like the flexibility that I need right now.

 

I do the same and am trying to work out a way to substitute a few days each month.

[Mommyfaithe]

Me! I am a working/homeschooling Mom.

[enviromommy]

Before we home schooled, I worked as a corporate attorney. I love the work, but it was making me miserable to be away from the kids so many hours a day. Even on a reduced schedule, when there was deal heating up, I had no choice but to stay late, even all night if necessary. The kids would call and beg me to come home. So I quit a little over three years ago.

 

About 6 months ago, I started working freelance from home as a French to English legal translator. It's been perfect for me because I did French and US law school and worked as a lawyer in France, so this is exactly what I know best. And I love that I can work from home and homeschool.

 

On the other hand, I'm pretty exhausted all the time, because I often end up working at night and not getting very much sleep. I have a hard time saying no to jobs even if I know it's going to end up meaning staying up all night. And our homeschooling has been less successful than it was before I started doing this. So this year I'm aiming to find a better balance so I still get the benefit of working some, but life is a little less stressful.

 

I work because the money helps provide the kids with extra curricular activities, travel, etc., because it improves my self-esteem to be contributing financially, makes me feel less vulnerable in case anything were to happen that could require me to work, and because I enjoy it.

[VeritasMama]

I used to work full time as a teacher, now I stay home. I am sad to hear the working moms feel judged, I see nothing wrong with working at all. I see the pros and cons to both situations. We do make sacrifices so I can stay home, but if my dh hadn't had a significant raise a few years back I would still be working. I was raised by a single working mother, so I know that working is a necessary sacrifice for some as well.

 

I know that some women need to work for their sanity, I think this is totally valid. Some days I wish I was still working myself.

[mommylaw]

I work full time (Sun., Mon., Tues.,) nights as a RN in the Emergency Department. I'd love to be able to stay home but it isn't possible right now.

[kalanamak]

Waving here.

[AK_Mom4]

I'm a working mom too. Right now, I work 20 hours a week, though I could go to full time if I chose. Since I work from home (computer programmer), homeschooling fits nicely with my job - I do my work, DD11 does hers and we goof off when we are done.

 

No judging here!

[Aelwydd]

Isn't that funny....as a WORKING mom, *I* feel like an oddity. Especially among other homeschooling moms.

 

I always feel like people (often here) judge me harshly, and make assumptions that I"m only working because we're the greedy, selfish parents of an only child and want to fuel some extravagant lifestyle. (Ha! nothing could be further from the truth.)

 

I can't tell you how hurtful it is to read comments (again, here, mostly) from someone who doesn't know the first thing about me, my family or our situation yet feels perfectly justified in asserting that women like me don't really NEED to work.

 

I like to work. I want to have some retirement income. I want to feel somewhat secure in the knowledge that if something should happen to my dh, I could make the mortgage payment after our emergency fund ran out. And truthfully, no one knows how far that emergency fund will actually go if medical bills, etc. are suddenly a concern.

 

So am I the only one? Working moms--- give us a shout!

 

astrid

 

 

I agree. Working mom here!

[FairyMom]

Flight Attendant. I sold software before that.

[Plucky]

Hmmm, I have a side business that brings in money. I apply the money to my kids' educations.

[Joanne]

Isn't that funny....as a WORKING mom, *I* feel like an oddity. Especially among other homeschooling moms.

 

I always feel like people (often here) judge me harshly, and make assumptions that I"m only working because we're the greedy, selfish parents of an only child and want to fuel some extravagant lifestyle. (Ha! nothing could be further from the truth.)

 

I can't tell you how hurtful it is to read comments (again, here, mostly) from someone who doesn't know the first thing about me, my family or our situation yet feels perfectly justified in asserting that women like me don't really NEED to work.

 

 

astrid

 

(Posting after reading the OP only)

 

I no longer homeschool, but I was WOH before I stopped homeschooling. To your commentary, I'd add that the assumption seems to be:

 

1. I worked because I couldn't budget. If I just made everything from scratch, I'd manage. Just tear off some of that old t-shirt for a make shift sanitary pad. :glare:

 

2. I worked because of consumerism.

 

3. Because I worked, I was less of a mom and less of a homeschool mom.

 

4. Because some of my work involved teaching others in my home (before the wOh phase), I was not really a homeschooler.

 

:lol:

[Plucky]

(Posting after reading the OP only)

 

I no longer homeschool, but I was WOH before I stopped homeschooling. To your commentary, I'd add that the assumption seems to be:

 

1. I worked because I couldn't budget. If I just made everything from scratch, I'd manage. Just tear off some of that old t-shirt for a make shift sanitary pad. :glare:

 

2. I worked because of consumerism.

 

3. Because I worked, I was less of a mom and less of a homeschool mom.

 

4. Because some of my work involved teaching others in my home (before the wOh phase), I was not really a homeschooler.

 

:lol:

 

Do people really say that to you? I use a ps parent partnership for my kids. It is awesome. Yeah, I've seen people say that they don't consider me a hser then. I don't care what they think. LOL I don't need someone else to define me. :001_smile:

[Joanne]

Do people really say that to you? I use a ps parent partnership for my kids. It is awesome. Yeah, I've seen people say that they don't consider me a hser then. I don't care what they think. LOL I don't need someone else to define me. :001_smile:

 

Indeed. Right on this board. :lurk5::tongue_smilie:

[Plucky]

Indeed. Right on this board. :lurk5::tongue_smilie:

 

Really? I must have missed it. I know that I've always wondered how hs moms can work and deal with everything. It's amazing to me.

[violingirl]

I own a music studio and teach full time there during the school year and half time in the summers. I work for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that neither DH or I want to just barely scrape by while praying that an emergency doesn't pop up. Technically we could live off his income alone, but it would take some seriously creative budgeting. I also don't think it's right to put all of the income burden on DH if it would mean him getting a second job so that we never see him. I'm not more valuable to our kids as their mother than he is as their father, you know? They need to spend time with him also.

 

I also really like my job, I'm my own boss and I built the business from scratch before I had kids and can't imagine bailing on it. I technically work from home since the studio is in our home, but have to treat it as an outside job since someone else has to be with our kids while I work. DH is with them most of the time because he also has a creative work schedule, but my mom helps us out when our schedules cross over each other. As another plus my clientele base is mostly homeschoolers.