One Last In-Law WWYD...

[Slipper]

I had posted earlier about SMIL (Step MIL) changing plans around and getting annoyed with me because she felt she wasn't getting enough time with grandkids, etc. (For backstory, we are visiting my in-laws - all of them - and staying at my MIL's guest house. We are on day 6 of a 9 day visit).

 

DH has been commuting back and forth since SMIL seems so annoyed. She won't say much in front of him as he's known for speaking his mind.

 

Yesterday was really bad. He was at work and had decided to go home to check on our pets and house, not to return until tonight (Thurs night). We had spent Tuesday doing things with FIL and SMIL all day and then we had taken them out to a very nice restaurant (our treat) for FIL's b'day. So, we thought things had settled down.

 

Wednesday, they took the two girls out to lunch after VBS but when dropping them off, DD10 came in crying. She was tired and exhausted and I sent her to take a nap. FIL was worried and I was talking to him when SMIL drove up to drop off other DD. As DD was walking over, she rolled down the window and yelled, "Is it going to be like this every day?!" (not questioning, she was mad). She yelled, "All we do is drive them around and feed them lunch". (This technically wasn't true, they were together for 8 hours on Sunday visiting and about 6 on Tuesday). The girls visited with MIL (again, who is next door since I'm at her guest house and we can't ignore her nor do I want to) on Monday afternoon.

 

I didn't know what to say since really, I don't get involved in street shouting matches. Then she started yelling that she knew that MIL thought they had them all the time but she felt that MIL had them too much. (Again, not true, MIL is actually sick so she hasn't seen them much). I tried to explain, but to do that, I had to shout, so I just told her I would see what I could do about getting them more time.

 

When I walked inside, the girls were simply wide-eyed because I try not to have "grown up conversation" around them. But, with all the yelling, not only did they hear, but so did MIL (who told me not to worry about it) and so did MIL's neighbors across the street. I was so embarrassed and completely stressed because there is no more time to give them.

 

I called DH and he went ahead and drove into town and met with his Dad. He told him that I had decided that I was finished doing activities with them for this trip and perhaps the next one (ha!) would be better. While he was talking, SMIL called and left an apology on my voicemail. She blamed it all on MIL for "hogging the kids". FIL also called and apologized (voicemail, I was too tired to answer it).

 

SMIL left a message letting me know that her brother and his wife had driven in (from two states away) just so they could play with all the grandkids and they would love to see us again before we left. The girls want to see them all including their cousins. I worry that if I give in and see them, it will just start up again or it will appear like I am having tantrums. Typically, I don't do anything dramatic like cutting off visits for the rest of the trip, but if I do something, it stays done.

 

Thoughts? (We leave on Sunday)

[Impish]

I'd ignore what SMIL wants, and do what's best for your kids. Period.

 

I don't get the whole tug of war carp when it comes to gkids. Not ok, I don't give a flying fart whose pulling what.

 

She's not hosting you guys, your MIL is. Sorry, but she's waaaaaaaay overstepping her boundaries here. She doesn't get to keep a running tab of how many mins is spent w/each gparent.

[Acorn]

:grouphug:

Well I have been puzzled from the beginning about the VBS. I would have sent them to one at your house, so that you could enjoy your vacation time with the family.

 

I would want my kids to see their cousins, so I probably would try to fit that in and just try to stay calm with the SMIL.

[prairiewindmomma]

Uh, the Hive saw this coming?!!

 

See them if you want to, but if I were you, I'd stick to what dh says (and continue to let him handle the interactions)...

[Impish]

Can I just say I find it very interesting that the SMIL is the one throwing hissy fits about the time spent, but FIL and MIL seem fine w/everything?

 

Who died and made SMIL the boss?

[Slipper]

:grouphug:

Well I have been puzzled from the beginning about the VBS. I would have sent them to one at your house, so that you could enjoy your vacation time with the family.

 

Yeah, I think we missed the boat on VBS. It sounded like a good idea at the time....We skipped today just to rest and go visit with DH's only living grandparent. They want to go tomorrow, but I'll be doing the driving. I really thought they would see their grandparents at VBS. The VBS my girls went to at a friend's church had 23 kids in it. Here, it's 900.

[Mama Geek]

If you and your kids want to see cousins, could you meet at the park without SMIL there?

[kalanamak]

Slip a valium in SMIL's drink.

[Impish]

Slip a valium in SMIL's drink.

:iagree::lol:

[Denisemomof4]

Slip a valium in SMIL's drink.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Slipper]

If you and your kids want to see cousins, could you meet at the park without SMIL there?

 

Nope. The cousins (SMIL's grandchildren) are staying with FIL/SMIL for the week. We aren't close with them, but they have all enjoyed playing together. My girls couldn't stay with SMIL/FIL for the week because one of my girl's has Celiac Disease and SMIL told me it would be too difficult and expensive. Therefore, other DD (with autism who isn't doing VBS, I had her therapists travel here instead) and I had to come to town as well. SMIL/FIL don't have room for us at their house, but MIL had a guest house she lets us use that is next door to her house.

 

And yes, the Hive predicted this, right down to the over-stressed child. :(

 

However, it wasn't predicted that my daughter (who was having a reaction to risperdal but cleared to travel) would also receive a diagnosis of mono (they said she was at the end of it, so that was cleared for travel as well), or that we would get here and I would have one child throwing up the next day, another child throwing up the day after and my oldest throwing up this morning (all over blankets, one of which was wool and I shrunk in the washer, antiques, lampshades, etc). What a trip! :(

[GoVanGogh]

DH and I are from the same home town, but have lived 12+ hrs away for the past 25 years.

Your situation is honestly why we:

1.) seldom visit

2.) stay in a hotel when we do visit so no one knows enough about our schedule to be controlling of it

 

My mom is the one that keeps track of who we see and for how long and who gets the most visits.

I don't play that game.

 

If I spend my time and money to go visit family, I do what I want when I want. Case closed.

[Acorn]

Yikes, I hope everyone is now well and you can catch up on rest next week. Hang in there.

[3browneyedboys4me]

I think SMIL is the only one being a problem, but I think she really does mean well. She just wanted to see the kids more. That's obvious. :001_smile:

 

At this point, I would do what the kids want. If they want to finish VBS, I would allow them too. I would try to end on a good note, but I wouldn't bend over backwards doing anything that I didn't want to do.

 

Try to be positive, they love you so much that they want you all to themselves! :D

[AK_Mom4]

Take a day off and spend it quietly (or as quietly as possible with stressed out sick kids!)

 

If things feel better, take the girls to VBS in the morning. If not, skip it.

 

If things are good in the afternoon, meet up with cousins/in laws for an hour or so. If things are rotten, stick with more quiet time.

 

It's not a bad thing to call a halt to all the driving around for everyone. And let all of SMILs calls go directly to voice mail.

 

Do what's best for YOUR kids - everyone else can work around you on this one!

[Ellesmere]

Uh, the Hive saw this coming?!!

 

See them if you want to, but if I were you, I'd stick to what dh says (and continue to let him handle the interactions)...

:iagree:

 

 

Nope. The cousins (SMIL's grandchildren) are staying with FIL/SMIL for the week. We aren't close with them, but they have all enjoyed playing together. My girls couldn't stay with SMIL/FIL for the week because one of my girl's has Celiac Disease and SMIL told me it would be too difficult and expensive. Therefore, other DD (with autism who isn't doing VBS, I had her therapists travel here instead) and I had to come to town as well. SMIL/FIL don't have room for us at their house, but MIL had a guest house she lets us use that is next door to her house.

 

And yes, the Hive predicted this, right down to the over-stressed child. :(

 

However, it wasn't predicted that my daughter (who was having a reaction to risperdal but cleared to travel) would also receive a diagnosis of mono (they said she was at the end of it, so that was cleared for travel as well), or that we would get here and I would have one child throwing up the next day, another child throwing up the day after and my oldest throwing up this morning (all over blankets, one of which was wool and I shrunk in the washer, antiques, lampshades, etc). What a trip! :(

 

Sounds like your family has been through enough.

 

 

Slip a valium in SMIL's drink.

:lol:

If not valium, Slipper, you have options.

 

Seriously, I wouldn't get near enough again this week.

[Slipper]

Slip a valium in SMIL's drink.

I think I need one myself ....

[NorthwestMom]

I have a few observations:

 

There is a lot of indirect communication and judgment about "what's fair" amongst your inlaws. They also do not seem to have a REALISTIC grasp of your children's needs. They have poor boundaries. That is crazy-making.

 

They seems to respect your DH's communication with them. He is returning tonight. Let him take the kids to see their cousins, or not. You stay out of it. If they have already accepted the previously set boundary of yours that "if I do something, it stays done", DON"T WEAKEN THE ONLY POWER YOU HAVE WITH THESE CRAZY PEOPLE! Keep to your final statement.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Ellesmere]

Also, doing what is best for the kids may not always be what they want with the health issues and lack of care from the SMIL. You and dh, as adults, are the ones who can better evaluate what activities are appropriate for them.

 

From what you wrote, her intent does not sound like she means well.

 

And I've never seen it as a sign that someone loves me when they act possessive, yet consistently unloving, jealous, negative, and unsympathetic.

 

But I'm not there, and I don't know anyone personally in this situation.

[Khselee]

It sounds like you and your children need a break. What's more, I think your boundaries really need to be respected here, and SMIL is having trouble with that.

 

If DH said that you were finished with activities with them for this visit - I would back that up, no matter whose coming in, if only so that you are consistent in speech and deed, but also to underscore the need for some peace. If this visit with the cousins was also *just* brought up in the face of your retreat from her crazy, I definitely would not cave.

 

It sounds like SMIL is trying to aggresively mark her territory, and you and yours are getting caught in the crossfire. I'm very sorry.

[Mommyof4ks]

I have a few observations:

 

There is a lot of indirect communication and judgment about "what's fair" amongst your inlaws. They also do not seem to have a REALISTIC grasp of your children's needs. They have poor boundaries. That is crazy-making.

 

They seems to respect your DH's communication with them. He is returning tonight. Let him take the kids to see their cousins, or not. You stay out of it. If they have already accepted the previously set boundary of yours that "if I do something, it stays done", DON"T WEAKEN THE ONLY POWER YOU HAVE WITH THESE CRAZY PEOPLE! Keep to your final statement.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree: MIL was whining because she wanted VBS time and extra time (she should have invited your family when she was free), now SMIL is whining because she wants more time and time with all of the cousins (she did get shafted by VBS, and it bugs her). Your kids have medical concerns that prevent your family from running around like most of us do, and the ILs need to understand that. My kids love running around like that, but when we had medical issues in our family people did not get it because they had not been in our shoes. Maybe next time you can get a hotel, so there are no feelings of guilt put on by anyone, and then if you just want to spend the day enjoying the park as a family no one can say anything. :grouphug: Family drama can be exhausting.

[MinivanMom]

Also, doing what is best for the kids may not always be what they want with the health issues and lack of care from the SMIL. You and dh, as adults, are the ones who can better evaluate what activities are appropriate for them.

 

From what you wrote, her intent does not sound like she means well.

 

And I've never seen it as a sign that someone loves me when they act possessive, yet consistently unloving, jealous, negative, and unsympathetic.

 

But I'm not there, and I don't know anyone personally in this situation.

 

:iagree:

 

Your husband is willing and able to handle fil & smil, so let him do it. You don't have to do anything at this point except care for your kids and prepare to go home. If dh wants to take the kids to see the cousins (really step-cousins, right?), then he can handle that when he returns. There is no need for you to do anything or deal with anyone.

 

And, no, I do not think anyone that screams at you from a car after keeping score of minutes spent with various grandparents could ever "mean well". Smil is not thinking about the grandkids, she is thinking about herself. We call that narcissism.

[bettyandbob]

I think I might ask dh to reiterate that you are done.

 

It sounds like it's not that SMIL wants to visit with her grandchildren. It seems she's just into how it looks. For example it's too expensive for her to have your dd stay with her because it's too expensive to feed her. It's not that expensive. I would guess she doesn't want to learn how to feed her or to be vigilant about contamination. Really it's one thing after another that's about SMIL not about the dc they supposedly want to visit.

[Slipper]

I have a few observations:

 

There is a lot of indirect communication and judgment about "what's fair" amongst your inlaws. They also do not seem to have a REALISTIC grasp of your children's needs. They have poor boundaries. That is crazy-making.

 

They seems to respect your DH's communication with them. He is returning tonight. Let him take the kids to see their cousins, or not. You stay out of it. If they have already accepted the previously set boundary of yours that "if I do something, it stays done", DON"T WEAKEN THE ONLY POWER YOU HAVE WITH THESE CRAZY PEOPLE! Keep to your final statement.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

The problem is mostly with SMIL. I'm not sure if FIL is aware of some of the things she does or says. Most of her phone calls to me are done when he's not around, especially if we're discussing money. Neither of them are familiar with my daughter's diet and I don't think they understand how hurtful that is to her. MIL wanted them a lot at first, but she became very ill right before we showed up and spent the first few days sleeping. She's still tired so she doesn't care if she doesn't see them a lot right now. (MIL absolutely gets the diet and such, so she's good there as well).

 

They are mostly afraid of DH's temper and of causing hard feelings with him. When DH is mad, everyone knows it as everyone can hear it. It was my idea to discontinue things with his Dad's side of the family for the rest of the week, but I told him that it was his family and he would need to deliver the bad news. He is furious with them and completely backs my decision.

 

My best friend tells me that I have a crazy long fuse, but she feels sorry for the person who lights it. That's fairly accurate. Most people know that I will give and give some more, but they also know that if they push too far I will put my foot down and down it stays. The people who know me say that I'm actually scarier than DH because I stay calm and quiet but I do exactly as I say. DH will usually calm down afterwards. I did tell him to let his Dad know that if they wish to visit the kids, they could talk to him about it, so I'll leave that to him to take them for a visit if he wants.

 

I do not want to set the precedent that it will ever be okay to shout at me (from the street at that) especially in front of my kids. That's why I'm a bit scared to back down.

 

And yes, they are step-cousins. They enjoy each other when they see each other, but we never plan visits together because we aren't that close.

[Harriet Vane]

I would leave if I were you. The visit has been too long already. These people do not know how to behave, and have spent the entire time whining and complaining. And, they are making NO attempt to understand your kids' special needs.

[kalanamak]

And I've never seen it as a sign that someone loves me when they act possessive, yet consistently unloving, jealous, negative, and unsympathetic.

 

 

 

Since I work with mentally deformed (birth, environment or drugs) I can tell you there are people who do sincerely feel things, but are terribly bad at expressing it/controlling themselves/ and-or lack sense, maturity or wisdom.

 

Once you peel a perfectly sweet, well-intended, prim mother off her son (who she is having sex with on psych ward because in her culture violence in young men is seen as lack of sexual activity, not schizophrenia), your perspective on peoples actions is changed. (And try explaining the situation to the AT&T translator in an attempt to get this mom to see things differently.)

 

It is very sad, really. Imagine a person with artistic sensibilities and zilch talent; we humans are meant to love, and some people are very bad at it.

Edited July 12, 2012 by kalanamak
semi-colon

[Seasider]

Your husband came through and confronted his parents. If he said the visits are over... the visits are over.(And I am not one of those patriarchal folks where dh is always right, but yeah, in this case he's kinda the hero.)

 

Sorry your kids will be disappointed, but it's not like they didn't spend any time at all with their cousins. My dd would play with her cousins 365 days a year if she had a choice in the matter, but the chemistry goes awry after a while. Our philosophy is "keep a puppy hungry," meaning make the time they have together just enough for some good memories but not so much that they start wearing on each other and fighting.

 

Your SMIL sounds like one manipulative piece of work. I definitely wouldn't go over there because somebody else drove all the way to visit. Let SMIL reap the consequences of that.

 

:grouphug:

[Ellesmere]

Since I work with mentally deformed (birth, environment or drugs) I can tell you there are people who do sincerely feel things, but are terribly bad at expressing it/controlling themselves/ and-or lack sense, maturity or wisdom.

 

Once you peel a perfectly sweet, well-intended, prim mother off her son (who she is having sex with on psych ward because in her culture violence in young men is seen as lack of sexual activity, not schizophrenia), your perspective on peoples actions is changed. (And try explaining the situation to the AT&T translator in an attempt to get this mom to see things differently.)

 

It is very sad, really. Imagine a person with artistic sensibilities and zilch talent; we humans are meant to love, and some people are very bad at it.

 

Very true. Thank you.

[RanchGirl]

SMIL called and left an apology on my voicemail. She blamed it all on MIL for "hogging the kids".

 

A sincere apology would not include blaming someone else, and true remorse wouldn't be followed up by the shouting complaints behaviour today.

SMIL left a message letting me know that her brother and his wife had driven in (from two states away) just so they could play with all the grandkids and they would love to see us again before we left. The girls want to see them all including their cousins. I worry that if I give in and see them, it will just start up again or it will appear like I am having tantrums. Typically, I don't do anything dramatic like cutting off visits for the rest of the trip, but if I do something, it stays done.

 

Thoughts? (We leave on Sunday)

 

My thought is why on earth would you continue to put yourself and your children through this? How much more of SMIL's rotten behavior and selfish demands are you planning to accommodate?

[MomatHWTK]

The problem is mostly with SMIL.

 

Not your mom, not DH's mom, not your problem. She's making everyone miserable, time to shut it down or she'll do it again next time. Whatever issue she has with your MIL she's going to have to work out without putting your kids in the middle. I'm feeling very uncharitable so I'll say it- I don't think it is a time issue, I think the VBS was a power grab and it failed.

 

Even if it wasn't, no one who really cared about your children and spending time with them would yell in front of them and refuse to feed them. Sounds more like plain ol' jealousy.

[catz]

SMIL definitely sounds like she is a control freak. I would just follow your instincts for the rest of your trip. If you feel up to taking your kids to VBS, then go for it. If you want to be extra nice and stop in and see the "step-cousins", go ahead. I'd just say ahead of time you're just going to stop for an hour and let it go. If you're ready to throw your hands up and be done, let your DH just deal with it.

 

I think in the future if you're going to visit, I for one would not do VBS or any extras. Personally, I think any summer program that is dealing with 900 kids is probably not a super high quality program and just cranking kids through a turnstile. Seriously - 900!? Yikes. The logistics of that just sounds like a nightmare.

 

The 2nd thing I would do is just tell SMIL next time EXACTLY when you're going to get together with them ahead of time and set up all of that ahead of time. Just tell her your kids do better knowing ahead what to expect if she hassles you. I wouldn't try to plan anything with them where they could change their minds logistically at the last minute (like the VBS driving). And if they want the kids alone and can't pick them up, oh well for them.

 

You have your hands full for sure. Don't feel bad about laying down the law. Glad your DH and MIL are supportive! :grouphug:

Edited July 12, 2012 by kck

[Remudamom]

First of all, steps around here get what they are given and shut up about it. I have a father with a wife and a mom with a husband. None of them would dare complain about us doing something with the other couple. The step is not related to your children and has no claim on time other than what you graciously allow her.

 

Second, in answer to her question "Is it going to be like this every day?" I would have said no, and left immediately. Plan something with the grandfather alone. I wouldn't put up with that at all.

 

And I wouldn't give a rat's @$$ about her wanting all the cousins together. Are the "cousins" even related?

 

ETA- HER BROTHER AND HIS WIFE??? No way. I'd spend time with the real grandma and grandpa. And before we get into a debate about steps being "real", you know that is not what I mean.

Edited July 12, 2012 by Remudamom

[Lisbeth]

I'd ignore what SMIL wants, and do what's best for your kids. Period.

 

I don't get the whole tug of war carp when it comes to gkids. Not ok, I don't give a flying fart whose pulling what.

 

She's not hosting you guys, your MIL is. Sorry, but she's waaaaaaaay overstepping her boundaries here. She doesn't get to keep a running tab of how many mins is spent w/each gparent.

 

This.

[Catwoman]

Don't back down.

 

Don't even think about backing down.

 

Your dh has been incredibly great about all of this, and if you go back on what he said, you not only lose any semblance of presenting a united front; you also risk your dh's reputation within the family. Right now, your SMIL and FIL know not to mess with him, but if you undermine his statements to them, you'll make him look like a fool.

 

And yes, we did warn you about the potential problems, but I hope you don't fault yourself for trying to do the nice thing instead of what you probably already suspected was the right thing. :grouphug:

 

But really, don't have any more contact with SMIL or FIL for the rest of your trip. You'll be happier; your kids will be happier; your dh will maintain his reputation as a strong and protective husband and father -- and your SMIL might learn that yelling and bullying are not effective ways to deal with you.

[Impish]

Don't back down.

 

Don't even think about backing down.

 

Your dh has been incredibly great about all of this, and if you go back on what he said, you not only lose any semblance of presenting a united front; you also risk your dh's reputation within the family. Right now, your SMIL and FIL know not to mess with him, but if you undermine his statements to them, you'll make him look like a fool.

 

And yes, we did warn you about the potential problems, but I hope you don't fault yourself for trying to do the nice thing instead of what you probably already suspected was the right thing. :grouphug:

 

But really, don't have any more contact with SMIL or FIL for the rest of your trip. You'll be happier; your kids will be happier; your dh will maintain his reputation as a strong and protective husband and father -- and your SMIL might learn that yelling and bullying are not effective ways to deal with you.

:iagree:

[Slipper]

DH and I talked last night. We decided that we would not see FIL and SMIL for the rest of the trip, although we will not actively avoid them. The girls might see them at VBS today (last day) and that's fine. Also, we have plans to see DH's grandmother and they may be there (probably not, but if so, that's fine). We're leaving early Sunday rather than late Monday.

 

I've made a huge list on my "notes" I keep when scheduling events. So, I'm hopeful that it won't be this way in the future.

 

One final interesting tidbit - FIL said that he never knew that SMIL told me the girls couldn't stay with them due to DD's diet. He thought I was being over-protective by not allowing them to stay with them.

[Impish]

DH and I talked last night. We decided that we would not see FIL and SMIL for the rest of the trip, although we will not actively avoid them. The girls might see them at VBS today (last day) and that's fine. Also, we have plans to see DH's grandmother and they may be there (probably not, but if so, that's fine). We're leaving early Sunday rather than late Monday.

 

I've made a huge list on my "notes" I keep when scheduling events. So, I'm hopeful that it won't be this way in the future.

 

One final interesting tidbit - FIL said that he never knew that SMIL told me the girls couldn't stay with them due to DD's diet. He thought I was being over-protective by not allowing them to stay with them.

So, SMIL is playing games.

 

And frankly, if spending time w/the kids was important, she'd do EVERYTHING she needed to to insure your child was safe, not dismiss things as being too difficult. Shows her true colours w/that, imo.