Please help me tactfully say no

[Only me]

I'm awful at saying no. I'm always worried about hurting feelings. Last fall we got a call from someone in our subdivision who found out through a friend of theirs that our dd was attending the private school that their dd would be attending in the fall. There is no bus service so you have to provide your own transportation. Both parents work so they wanted help picking up their dd from school. They offered to pay but since it would only be a few days a week I said it wasn't necessary and the girl's older sister would also occasionally bring my dd home. I would usually drive 3 days and she would drive two but sometimes I would drive more.

 

Then in January we got a call from another parent asking us if we could bring their dd home from school. They had already talked to the other family that we carpool with and they agreed to drive her home 2 days a week if we could do the other 3. This family gave me a sob story about how someone else had been driving their dd and they just stopped doing it at Christmas break without notice. (Of course they didn't tell me how rude they and their daughter were but I won't get into that here). Again the dad offered to pay me. I told him I felt awkward taking money but he insisted. I got paid the first week and that was it. I never got the nerve up to inquire what had happened.

 

In March the other girl's sister could no longer drive so I ended up driving the two girls home every day until the end of the year. The one family never told me thank you and the only time I heard from the parents was when they complained because my dd and I were home sick and couldn't bring their dd home. The original family was very nice but quite honestly at the end of the year it became a real chore. For instance their dd would get a ride from someone else and we wouldn't know it so we were sitting around waiting for her. We could also never stop anywhere on the way home from school because we had these other girls in the car. It was also a pain if my dd had to miss school because I felt responsible for making sure the other girls had a ride home.

 

So I had pretty much decided that I would only be driving my dd to and from school this year. At the end of the year I tried to tactfully tell the one family that I wasn't sure it would work out this year. (This was the nice family.) Today I received an email saying that this year their dd will need a ride to school every day and home a few days a week. They want to pay us because gas cost so much. I really don't want to do this again. Besides that my dh drives my dd to school every day on his way to work and this really become a special time for them. Both my dh and dd have expressed that they don't want to have to drive anyone else. I feel like I'm being selfish and I'm not sure what this family will do if we don't drive their dd. Over the months I've gotten to know this family a little more and they really are nice people and I've become somewhat of a friend with the mom. I really don't know how to respond to her email.

[JFSinIL]

Repeat after me:

 

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

repeat to these folks as needed. DO NOT OFFER ANY EXPLANATION - even if they ask "Oh, why not?" or "But you are going anyway". Just calmly repeat that

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

a variation you may also utter is "We can not carpool this year. Sorry."

[Chris in VA]

Honestly? I'd just say "I'd like to help, but this year we decided as a family that we would only be driving our own dd." That's really all you have to say. Really--you don't owe an explanation to the family at all. IF you are really pressed, you could say, "The morning drive has become a precious bonding time between our dd and her Dad, and our afternoons have changed somewhat, so I will be unavailable to drive anyone else. I wish you well in solving your situation." Get it? "YOUR situation." You are not being selfish by not helping. You are helping your own family. That's ok. REALLY.

[Only me]

I just feel bad because I know that by saying no the family will really have a problem getting their dd to school and of course I feel guilty because of the price of gas, etc.

[Brindee]

You are NOT responsible for how their dd gets to and from school! You need to do what's best for your family!

 

I would e-mail them back and say that it will not work out next year, hope they find something else soon. Have a good year!

 

You don't need to explain ANYthing to them! Just make it short and sweet, and move on. If they give you problems, it is not your fault. Like I said, You have NO responsibility to do this again! PLEASE say no!

[shalom22]

Repeat after me:

 

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

repeat to these folks as needed. DO NOT OFFER ANY EXPLANATION - even if they ask "Oh, why not?" or "But you are going anyway". Just calmly repeat that

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

a variation you may also utter is "We can not carpool this year. Sorry."

 

 

Very good advice.:001_smile: I would be firm but polite. You don't need to give an explanation.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

I can not do any better than JFS in IL. I know you don't want to hurt their feelings, but what about the wants/needs of your own family. You stated the time spent driving to school was special for your daughter and husband. There is no way I would take that away from them, this is a moment in time they will always cherish.

 

Please say NO, you are not being nice when you let people take advantage of you, you are only letting them manipulate you. Put your family first !!!

[Tammyla]

:iagree: There is no need to explain why you wont. If guilt is a factor...ask yourself how they would respond to the same request from you. I bet they would simply say, I'm sorry it just isn't possible. No doesn't require a good reason. It simply means no.:grouphug: They're taking advantage of your entire family because of your inability to simply say no.

 

 

Repeat after me:

 

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

repeat to these folks as needed. DO NOT OFFER ANY EXPLANATION - even if they ask "Oh, why not?" or "But you are going anyway". Just calmly repeat that

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

a variation you may also utter is "We can not carpool this year. Sorry."

[JudoMom]

So I had pretty much decided that I would only be driving my dd to and from school this year. At the end of the year I tried to tactfully tell the one family that I wasn't sure it would work out this year. (This was the nice family.) Today I received an email saying that this year their dd will need a ride to school every day and home a few days a week. They want to pay us because gas cost so much. I really don't want to do this again. Besides that my dh drives my dd to school every day on his way to work and this really become a special time for them. Both my dh and dd have expressed that they don't want to have to drive anyone else. I feel like I'm being selfish and I'm not sure what this family will do if we don't drive their dd. Over the months I've gotten to know this family a little more and they really are nice people and I've become somewhat of a friend with the mom. I really don't know how to respond to her email.

 

It's not your problem how they get their dd to school, but it is NOT your responsibility. Your responsibility is to your family, and your dh & dd do not want this to occur. You are NOT being selfish by not taking responsibility for their dd.

 

I would respond with "I'm sorry, but we won't be able to carpool this year", and then ask her how she's doing or anything else you would normally talk about. You don't owe her a reason, and if they really are a nice family they will understand.

[JudoMom]

You are NOT responsible for how their dd gets to and from school! You need to do what's best for your family!

 

I would e-mail them back and say that it will not work out next year, hope they find something else soon. Have a good year!

 

You don't need to explain ANYthing to them! Just make it short and sweet, and move on. If they give you problems, it is not your fault. Like I said, You have NO responsibility to do this again! PLEASE say no!

 

Hey--I just figured out how you've got twice as many posts as me in half the time. You must type faster :lol:.

[Kathleen in VA]

You are NOT responsible for how their dd gets to and from school! You need to do what's best for your family!

 

I would e-mail them back and say that it will not work out next year, hope they find something else soon. Have a good year!

 

You don't need to explain ANYthing to them! Just make it short and sweet, and move on. If they give you problems, it is not your fault. Like I said, You have NO responsibility to do this again! PLEASE say no!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Some people can be very needy and manipulative to get out of having to take responsibility for their own problems. Oftentimes this manipulation is cloaked in sweetness and flattery. This lady is being rude to you if she expects you to say yes and would have a problem if you said no.

 

You drove last year and it turned out to be more than you bargained for. You don't owe anyone anything. If they decide to send their daughter to a school that does not offer transportation that is their choice - you did not make that one for them. Now they need to figure out how they are going to transport that daughter to the school. You were nice to help out, but that does not entitle them to your services from here on out.

 

STOP feeling guilty. The only one who should be feeling guilt here is this mom who needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own choices.

 

Oh, and please do not offer any excuses - that is the back door she will be waiting for you to open. She will have a solution to every excuse you can offer. You do not owe her an explanation. JUST SAY NO!

 

I'm rarely this adamant about anything - but I really severely dislike people taking advantage of other people's kind hearts. AAARRRGGGGHHHH!

[Marie in Oh]

Ask dh if it is ok to defer to him, meaning, say, "Dh enjoys the one on one time he gets taking dd to school each morning and since she is only getting older and busier, that time is more and more precious and he just doens't want to share it. Hope you can work something else out."

[Brindee]

 

Hey--I just figured out how you've got twice as many posts as me in half the time. You must type faster :lol:.

:lol: Yep, must be it! (HA! I was one of the slowest typists in my class in 8th grade! :tongue_smilie:) But, I AM much faster now!) C'mon, work on those typing skills so you can catch up with me!:D

[Brindee]

Ask dh if it is ok to defer to him, meaning, say, "Dh enjoys the one on one time he gets taking dd to school each morning and since she is only getting older and busier, that time is more and more precious and he just doens't want to share it. Hope you can work something else out."

That sounds nice too. But I don't like how they're just assuming you'll be the one responsible for getting their dd to and from school!!! I still go with the no explanation. Just state the facts.

[Jen500]

I agree with the previous posters. Just say you won't be carpooling this year, and then ask her some friendly questions so she doesn't take it personally. And stick to it.

I let myself be taken advantage of a few years ago like this. Every afternoon I would start to get stressed about picking my kids up from school! It's easier to start out a new year with a different plan than it is to change things mid-year.

[Scuff]

They'll be ok. I've found that others don't *need* me. It's nice to be helpful, and when you can, you probably should. But when you decide you can't or don't want to, others will find a way. It might be more hastle, but they will work it out. Don't worry about them and do what you need to do.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

I would also agree with "just the facts". I am suspicious that I am known for being a doormat, I really think that I must be given the way some people take advantage because I have trouble saying NO. I perceive I am kind and that I do all these helpful things that are appreciated but often I find that these people I try so hard to be nice to, take advantage. Please note I'm not talking friends/family here, I am talking about neighbors I hardly know who ask me to watch their kids for a few minutes and 12 hours later I have them still at my house.

Perhaps we should start a support group for those of us who have trouble saying no. Just say no and don't offer any explanations, because that is when trouble happens again. They use your excuse/explanation and then they try and say things like "oh I will give you more money" or "I'll just need you two days a week" whatever, just don't give any wiggle room or reason, just the standard "I am so sorry, but I am not able to do that this year". Short and simple and do not elaborate, they will lasso you in somehow if you do.

[phathui5]

Just a "Sorry, but no" should cover it.

[TammyinTN]

Sorry we won't be doing that this year. :) Have a nice day! :) Really you don't owe them an explanation....just say No. :)

[missplacedalaskan]

Just say NO! My friend taught me a phrase similar to what JFS in IL said. "That doesn't work for me, but thank you for asking!" No explanation is necessary. Getting the friends Dd to school isn't your responsibility! If it is necessary for their Dd to attend that school then they need to find a way to get her there & home.

[Dinsfamily]

I just wanted to add some encouragement. You were really nice to help out all last year. Remember that!! It isn't as if you are just being a mean person, it just won't work out (that statement is only for your benefit to make you feel better).

 

I agree with the pp. It isn't your job to solve their situation. I often tell my friends when I'm asking them for a desparate favor that "an emergency on my part does not constitute one on theirs." I tell them that so they will feel better about saying no if they need to and I don't want to be taking advantage of my friends. Amazingly, things have always worked out in the end. I'm sure things will work out for this family too, but it is their situation, not yours.

 

SAY NO!!

[lynn]

You are NOT responsible for how their dd gets to and from school! You need to do what's best for your family!

 

I would e-mail them back and say that it will not work out next year, hope they find something else soon. Have a good year!

 

You don't need to explain ANYthing to them! Just make it short and sweet, and move on. If they give you problems, it is not your fault. Like I said, You have NO responsibility to do this again! PLEASE say no!

 

Oh I wish I were like Brindee. That :iagree:is exactly how you should handles this. I worry about others to much also. I got stuck taxi driving one year. Started with 1 family of 3 kids no big deal. Next thing I knew I had another 2 kids and on occasion 1 other because I could not say no. I hated it, that doormat feeling. I'm learning to say "No, I just don't want to do it this year."

[elegantlion]

Don't feel guilty about their inability to drive their own dd. It's not your responsibility, it's theirs. That should be a consideration when considering what school to attend. :glare:

 

Agree with everyone, be firm, e-mail them back. Personally I think an e-mail question like that is a wimpy way of asking. But I would hit the ole reply button and then of :001_smile: as you type a firm "NO".

[LauraGB]

If just saying "no" for "no"'s sake is hard (it is for me, too), can you try to arrange something dd needs to do or a place she needs to be right after school, thereby simply not allowing you time to bring the others home? Whether its a legitimate extra curricular activity or just work around the house (that you don't need to explain to them)? Or perhaps YOU have to be somewhere right after school ends?

 

I've done this. It works, and it helped me feel better about just saying no.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this - it really is a stinky situation.

[Tina]

Honestly? I'd just say "I'd like to help, but this year we decided as a family that we would only be driving our own dd." That's really all you have to say. Really--you don't owe an explanation to the family at all. IF you are really pressed, you could say, "The morning drive has become a precious bonding time between our dd and her Dad, and our afternoons have changed somewhat, so I will be unavailable to drive anyone else. I wish you well in solving your situation." Get it? "YOUR situation." You are not being selfish by not helping. You are helping your own family. That's ok. REALLY.

 

Great job, Chris! I, mousy as I am, could even handle this one! lol

Very nice, gives just enough of a reason, yet not mean or snobby at all. I like it!

[wagnfun]

I just feel bad because I know that by saying no the family will really have a problem getting their dd to school and of course I feel guilty because of the price of gas, etc.

 

I was in a situation once where I was parenting another persons child daily afterschool. It wasn't a VERY bad situation but did get bad after a while (much like you've described). My moms advice to me was simple. You are NOT that childs mother. You are NOT responsible for why they are in the situation that they need such help. You are responsible for YOUR children. The time with dd & dh is in YOUR childs best interest. Therefore... I'd follow the advice already given and tell them guilt free,.. "oh sry, carpooling won't work for our family this year"

[WTMindy]

I'm awful at saying no. I'm always worried about hurting feelings. Last fall we got a call from someone in our subdivision who found out through a friend of theirs that our dd was attending the private school that their dd would be attending in the fall. There is no bus service so you have to provide your own transportation. Both parents work so they wanted help picking up their dd from school. They offered to pay but since it would only be a few days a week I said it wasn't necessary and the girl's older sister would also occasionally bring my dd home. I would usually drive 3 days and she would drive two but sometimes I would drive more.

 

Then in January we got a call from another parent asking us if we could bring their dd home from school. They had already talked to the other family that we carpool with and they agreed to drive her home 2 days a week if we could do the other 3. This family gave me a sob story about how someone else had been driving their dd and they just stopped doing it at Christmas break without notice. (Of course they didn't tell me how rude they and their daughter were but I won't get into that here). Again the dad offered to pay me. I told him I felt awkward taking money but he insisted. I got paid the first week and that was it. I never got the nerve up to inquire what had happened.

 

In March the other girl's sister could no longer drive so I ended up driving the two girls home every day until the end of the year. The one family never told me thank you and the only time I heard from the parents was when they complained because my dd and I were home sick and couldn't bring their dd home. The original family was very nice but quite honestly at the end of the year it became a real chore. For instance their dd would get a ride from someone else and we wouldn't know it so we were sitting around waiting for her. We could also never stop anywhere on the way home from school because we had these other girls in the car. It was also a pain if my dd had to miss school because I felt responsible for making sure the other girls had a ride home.

 

So I had pretty much decided that I would only be driving my dd to and from school this year. At the end of the year I tried to tactfully tell the one family that I wasn't sure it would work out this year. (This was the nice family.) Today I received an email saying that this year their dd will need a ride to school every day and home a few days a week. They want to pay us because gas cost so much. I really don't want to do this again. Besides that my dh drives my dd to school every day on his way to work and this really become a special time for them. Both my dh and dd have expressed that they don't want to have to drive anyone else. I feel like I'm being selfish and I'm not sure what this family will do if we don't drive their dd. Over the months I've gotten to know this family a little more and they really are nice people and I've become somewhat of a friend with the mom. I really don't know how to respond to her email.

 

If you don't want to, you just need to say, "We decided that this year it would be best for our family to not carpool. It was difficult last year and so I can't do it this year." Or, you can set up whatever conditions you want...."I can do it two days a week, but gas money would be very helpful." or whatever you want. It is not mean to set boundaries that work for your family!!!!!

[5wolfcubs]

I agree with all the others (I have a hard time saying NO also) and wanted to add my little story.

 

The year I was 16 my dad got me a job at his company. I was learning to drive so I drove my dad & I to work and home every day, all summer. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we listened to music, sometimes we listened to a book on tape...but being together everyday with your dad as a teenage girl is priceless. :)

[melissel]

I just feel bad because I know that by saying no the family will really have a problem getting their dd to school and of course I feel guilty because of the price of gas, etc.

 

Their problem is not your problem, especially after they have shown you repeatedly that your problems were in no way their problems. Please don't feel guilty!!!! You can't solve everything for everyone.

[Parrothead]

I just feel bad because I know that by saying no the family will really have a problem getting their dd to school and of course I feel guilty because of the price of gas, etc.

 

Don't feel bad. It is their child. They should have had arrangements in place when they put the kid in this school. They will have to go back to those arrangements. The mom and dad should step up and take care of their child.

 

Send an email back simply saying, "No, this year I can't do it." You don't have to give an explanation as to why.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Just wanted to add my voice to the others that say this is not your problem. Don't make it yours. No reasons or explanations necessary. Repeat after me (and others), "I'm sorry. I won't be able to do that this year.":grouphug::grouphug:

[FlockOfSillies]

STOP feeling guilty. The only one who should be feeling guilt here is this mom who needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own choices.

 

:iagree: There's a word for people like this... freeloaders! With all the money they make on their two incomes, :tongue_smilie: they can afford to hire someone to take their kid to school. Stop feeling sorry for people who have freely chosen to put themselves in an inconvenient spot. Were you put on this earth merely to make other people's lives more convenient?

 

You have gone far above and beyond the call of duty. Honestly, did you think when you enrolled your dd in this school that part of the deal was that you'd be an unpaid bus driver for half her class? (I'm using hyperbole on purpose here.) My guess is the second family stopped paying because they found out the first family wasn't paying, and they realized they could USE YOU for free. What, you think it's Christlike to let freeloaders use you?

 

C'mon, girl. You are worth something. Your time is worth something. Your family is worth something.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Repeat after me:

 

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

repeat to these folks as needed. DO NOT OFFER ANY EXPLANATION - even if they ask "Oh, why not?" or "But you are going anyway". Just calmly repeat that

"Driving your daughter to school won't work for us this year. Sorry."

 

a variation you may also utter is "We can not carpool this year. Sorry."

:iagree: Less is best. KISS.

[Natalieclare]

I just feel bad because I know that by saying no the family will really have a problem getting their dd to school and of course I feel guilty because of the price of gas, etc.

 

 

If you must feel bad and guilty about something, maybe you could tell yourself to feel bad and guilty about depriving your dd and dh of their special time.;) This is just for your little self talk. As far as talking to the others, I agree with all the other posters that all you need to do is tell them, "Wow, it's tough, huh. But carpooling just doesn't work for our family this year."

 

It sounds like it's time for them to reexamine their priorities. You may not be doing them a service if by your helpfulness you keep them from fully considering all the costs. Usually when I try to tweak and tweak and push and pull in order to make something happen, I probably should have been looking at doing something different. Does that make sense?

[Rebecca in GA]

Last year, I said no to my SIL when she asked me to pick up my nephew from his private school "just two days a week" and keep him at my house until she could pick him up.

 

She didn't speak to me for weeks and we had a distant relationship for months. We're fine now, but she also respects my boundaries. I love my niece and nephews but she now knows I am not willing to sacrifice my schedule or my priorities with my own children and husband to care for them (although I certainly am available in an emergency, like when the same nephew lived with us for two weeks while his sister was hospitalized).

 

It was difficult and I didn't much care for the fallout, but I can honestly say I don't regret saying no. I would encourage you to do the same. If they get ugly with you, come on back here for a virtual hug and an "atta girl."

[Only me]

As far as carpooling this year is concerned, we've decided as a family that it would be best if we just take (insert dd name) to and from school. I really hope that you can find a way to make it work out but it just won't work out for us this year.

 

I feel awful but on the other hand I know that this will give my dd and dh the morning drive to school that they both really cherish.

 

Thanks for all the great advice!

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Good for you! I really dislike confronting situations like this too. It eats me up and I feel really guilty for no reason. I am proud of you for following through in a very nice manner!

[Mom2GirlsTX]

As far as carpooling this year is concerned, we've decided as a family that it would be best if we just take (insert dd name) to and from school. I really hope that you can find a way to make it work out but it just won't work out for us this year.

 

I feel awful but on the other hand I know that this will give my dd and dh the morning drive to school that they both really cherish.

 

Thanks for all the great advice!

 

I am so proud of you!!!!!!! Way to go! See your courage inspires me!

[Brindee]

YAY! You go girl! That was for your family and yourself! You do NOT have to feel awful about it either! Feel good that you love and cherish your family enough to say no to something threatening family/togethernes time and your sanity!:hurray::hurray::hurray:

[Goldilocks]

Good job!

 

Here's a thought: They were offering you gas money... Think how that may bless the family that does end up taking the girl to and from school.

[sdWTMer]

Here's a video of Bob Newhart therapy that perhaps could help you! Watch it!

 

:D

 

:lol:

[StephanieZ]

I agree with everyone else that you can and should do this!

 

I think the short, sweet answers are the best. Practice one that feels good and then say it verbatim. . . The less explanation you offer, the less room they have to argue. :) That said, I like to add a little unarguable explanation to soften the blow. . . If the debate begins, then the 'repeat, repeat, repeat' technique needs to kick in, along with the 'oh my gosh, dinner is on fire, click' technique. . . (phone is good for this conversation b/c it is easier to fabricate a reason for hanging up quickly. I've been known to swipe my arm across my desk creating a large crashing sound and then say "oh, gosh, gotta go!!!".)

 

I'd start with something like "I'm sorry, but we've decided that we don't want to carpool this year. We have a lot of things going on and often times things come up at the last minute that would interfere. . . dad driving her, lessons/activities/etc right after school, sometimes we have the other kids in the car(if plausible) and we really just don't want to carpool any longer."

 

I might even plunge into a discourse on how "wouldn't it be great if the school offered bus service. . . maybe you should talk to the principal about it. . .I wonder if there is a taxi service or car service that could be hired. . . maybe you could post a notice at the school offering $x/day for rides and hire someone. . . isn't it rough how our school makes it hard for working parents and it makes you wonder if maybe public school with their bus system is the only option for working familes. . . how horrid... must be hard for you" just trying to move the responsible party off of *me* and onto the universe at large and distract the other parents. . . Sometimes this technique works well but it can be dangerous. I'd probably do this if I really liked the person and wanted to be friends, but not bother much if it was a relative stranger.

 

Good luck. I try to remember that saying "yes" to an outside commitment is often saying "no" to my more important priorities at home. Just say no, as graciously as you can, and next time say 'no' sooner, when it is a lot easier! After dc#3, I had to learn to automatically say 'no' instead of automatically saying 'yes'. It was hard to learn, but has saved my sanity.

[Only me]

I was feeling good after I finally sent the email telling her that I couldn't drive her dd. I just received an email back. She didn't say anything bad but in a matter of fact way told me that if she can't find someone else to drive her dd to school that she may have to quit work. Now the guilt is coming back because I know that this is only a part-time job (she is a school bus driver). I also don't think that they have a ton of money so things may become difficult if she doesn't have a job. Now I'm worried that they won't be able to send their dd to school. I know I should just "stop it" but I feel so bad.

[Kathleen in VA]

AACCKK!! I know this is hard, but it is really, truly, uly, is not your problem. She sounds like she has a gift for manipulation. I went back and reread your op and I'm wondering why she enrolled her daughter in a school she has no way of getting her daughter to each day. Maybe she will have to get a different job or put her daughter in public school, but this is really not your problem. Perhaps you could have her call the principal's office and find out if they have a list of carpoolers who she might be able to hook up with.

 

Her story sounds fishy to me. Maybe I'm just cynical, but from this distant perspective she sounds like a first class pitb. I would never think of enrolling my children in a school I had no way of getting them transported to. Sounds rather foolish in my opinion. Am I missing something???

 

I don't want to sound uncaring, but this sounds weird to me. Did she have a ride when she enrolled her daughter in the first place? I'm just not getting it.

[Chris in CA]

ITA - no explanation - just straight and to the point

[5wolfcubs]

:grouphug: I quickly pulled out a bunch of the positives for your family for you to re-read!

You are not being selfish by not helping. You are helping your own family. That's ok. REALLY.

 

You stated the time spent driving to school was special for your daughter and husband. There is no way I would take that away from them, this is a moment in time they will always cherish.

 

Please say NO, you are not being nice when you let people take advantage of you, you are only letting them manipulate you. Put your family first !!!

 

STOP feeling guilty. The only one who should be feeling guilt here is this mom who needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own choices.

 

 

The year I was 16 my dad got me a job at his company. I was learning to drive so I drove my dad & I to work and home every day, all summer. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we listened to music, sometimes we listened to a book on tape...but being together everyday with your dad as a teenage girl is priceless. :)

 

C'mon, girl. You are worth something. Your time is worth something. Your family is worth something.

 

If you must feel bad and guilty about something, maybe you could tell yourself to feel bad and guilty about depriving your dd and dh of their special time.;)

 

YAY! You go girl! That was for your family and yourself! You do NOT have to feel awful about it either! Feel good that you love and cherish your family enough to say no to something threatening family/togethernes time and your sanity!:hurray::hurray::hurray:

 

Good job!

 

Here's a thought: They were offering you gas money... Think how that may bless the family that does end up taking the girl to and from school.

 

:iagree: Or the mom could drive her dd & others to school for the gas money instead...

 

I have a very hard time saying no, too...this thread has been very good for me to read. It is upsetting to my dh, and ultimately to our children, when I say yes to things that are detrimental to our family (even if they are "good things"). Hang in there, you have lots of support here! :)

[kalanamak]

I was feeling good after I finally sent the email telling her that I couldn't drive her dd. I just received an email back. She didn't say anything bad but in a matter of fact way told me that if she can't find someone else to drive her dd to school that she may have to quit work.

 

THIS IS NOT A FRIEND! This is a parasite.

[Only me]

It was suggested that I start a new post because my update was getting lost within my thread. My thread is below about my original dilema.

 

I received a reply from the mom. I was feeling good after I finally sent the email telling her that I couldn't drive her dd. I just received an email back. She didn't say anything bad but in a matter of fact way told me that if she can't find someone else to drive her dd to school that she may have to quit work. Now the guilt is coming back because I know that this is only a part-time job (she is a school bus driver). I also don't think that they have a ton of money so things may become difficult if she doesn't have a job. Now I'm worried that they won't be able to send their dd to school. I know I should just "stop it" but I feel so bad.

 

Quite honestly I don't know what this family planned to do in the first place. Both parents work but the mom works part time. She has had the same part time job for awhile as a bus driver. Last year she could drive her daughter to school and had an afternoon route so she couldn't pick her up. The older sister was attending college classes and could pick her sister up two days a week but needed help the other three days. That is why they needed me last year. The thing is they knew before signing her up for this school that transportation would be an issue. I'm not really sure how they planned to get her to school if they hadn't contacted me. The problem is that the older sister got pregant and had the baby in March so for the rest of the year I did almost 100% of the pickups in the afternoon. Of course the family didn't plan for this and I didn't feel bad helping because they were in a jam. In the meantime another family (I think their dd was friends with this girl) called them and needed a ride for their dd. This family said that they could do it for 2 days a week but they would have to call me for the other 3 days. I really felt put on the spot but I agreed.

 

Now this year they signed their dd up again and I think they figured that I would be wiling to drive again, even though at the end of the school year I told them that I wasn't sure it would work out. (I know. I should have been more direct at that time). Now the mom plans to have a bus route in the morning and 3 afternoons a week and needs someone to drive her dd. When she replied to my email she said that she would try to find someone else but would probably have to quit her job. I feel so bad but I know deep down that it isn't my fault. Even though my dd is a lot happier at this school then she was at the public high school she went freshman year there is no way I would have signed her up if I knew ahead of time that I had no way of getting her to school.

 

Of course the mom also made me feel bad by ending the email by saying "please let us know if there is ever anytime that your dd needs a ride on those 2 days I'll be able to pick up my dd"

[elegantlion]

Don't let her guilt into doing it!!! Yes, that is a tough situation, but they made choices and now they are going to have to deal with the consequences. Playing off the kindness of others by guilting them with their stories is terrible. Times are tough for a lot of people and sometimes we have to make priorities. If it is truly a priority for them to have their dtr in that school, getting her there needs to be a priority for them, not to be handed off to another parent.

 

I wouldn't reply to her e-mail at all. If she's asks again, recommend that she contact the school directly for more options.

[Rhonda in TX]

They need to accept that you are not available and move on to Plan B. If Plan B is her quitting her job, so be it. You cannot be held hostage by their situation. Your DD and DH need to come first. End of story.