mykdsmomy Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I wasn't sure how to update the title of my old thread so I started a new one...hope that's ok. So we have been visiting more with my MIL. Last week, dh and I spent the entire day at her house while sil and bil ran errands. It actually went fine. We brought ds8 and the babies with us and that helped distract mil. Then we went over on the 4th because dh's older sister and her husband were going as well ...so then the whole family was going to be there for Mil. That went ok except that sil's parents were there too (it was sil's birthday) and her mother was rude to us and didn't say two words....she's bitter that her daughter has to take care of mil since we aren't there every single day like they are :glare: So after we left that night, mil posted on Facebook, a big thank you to everyone but us for coming over and spending time with her. Fast forward to today: (backstory: sil asked me last week if we could come over ASAP to get the stuff out one of mil's rooms where she keeps all of dd17's old toys/dresses/books/etc from when she and dd13 were little. She wanted my dd's to have first pick of all of the stuff they wanted, then the rest she was going to give to her youngest dd or sell at a yard sale....since they are moving in, they want to pack stuff up to make room for their stuff) We get to Mil's house and let mil what we were going to do and mil says "you said you didn't want any of that stuff...I've given it away already...or it's spoken for" We then explain to her that sil told us last week to come and take this stuff since it's dd17's!!! Then MIL says, "Well fine....but I want to see what you're taking before you leave" ...grrr....fine.....so we go through the room and mind you, this entire room looks like a freaking toy store! It is packed with toys that mil would NOT let dd take home when she was little....including a large little tykes bookcase/toybox that dd was given on Xmas when she was like 5.....I remember that clearly because we were so excited to have something so cute to house dd's toys...and MIL said "No, that stays here at my house"....But I digress.... So my dd's pick out maybe 1/100th of the stuff in that room to take....all of it was theirs ...including a pile of old dresses they wore for Xmas or Easter and some special "dress up" costumes that dh's sister bought dd when she went to China (dd was really into Milan ...and was really mad when we wouldn't just drive her to China when she was like 6 ;) ) We get ready to go and MIL comes out and starts going through the dresses one. by. one....she starts grilling dd's on why they want to take the dresses. She tells dd17 "If you're not going to have children, then what are you going to do with these? I don't want you just giving them away...I paid a lot of money for these"....then she starts crying. She then tells dd that she'd rather keep the dresses if dd was going to give them to my dfd.... I motioned to dd13 to grab the pile of books and toys that they picked out and get them in the van while mil wasn't paying attention. MIL literally held up each dress and grilled dd17 on "Do you remember when we got this dress? Do you remember who bought it for you? Do you remember when you wore it?" It wasn't in a sweet, nostalgic way either....it was in a "do you realize how much I did for you"....way..... DD was starting to look pale and she told me she was feeling lightheaded...MIL was being so manipulative and plain mean to dd's. MIL then stood up and hugged dd and started weeping. Sil was there and started half teasing her "don't cry...." (actually it was a good thing because it broke the ice)....and mil said "They're just taking so many memories with them"...and I said "There's a ton of stuff left in there...they only took a little bit"....to which MIL said "Well it may not mean anything to you, but it does to me"..... Then we left. DD's were very upset. It was just another reminder to dd that everything her grammy gave her while she was growing up had conditions. Nothing truly belonged to dd....and yet MIL would say "Oh that's all L's stuff....I bought that all for L (my dd17). I told dd she doesn't have to go back again if she doesn't want to. I don't want to see her go through that again :( I hope I explained that all right. It's hard to explain a narcissist's behavior sometimes because it doesn't always sound so bad ....but it's the constant manipulation ..years of it...that just wears you down! Thanks for listening if you got this far :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Yep, perfectly undrstand it! You just described my mil...but just add in alcohol and you're there...it hurts like a bee sting...hits you quick and sharp...then has this annoying lingering effect to remind you of the initial impact. That said, you are dealing with a creature that took a lot of warping to get that way...it truly is a sad condition. She is terminal, try your best to use this opportunity to teach your child how to love a cactus...it is a very tough lesson but one that makes us all better...love with a bit of distance, make note of any (even if only one glorious bloom...your husband) blooms and do not expect to get a warm fuzzy hug and go unscathed. If at all, help this cactus realize the world is full of all kinds of creations, not all are prickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 :grouphug: my dmil asked us each to choose something from her house as a christmas present, "anything at all".... then proceeded to refuse to give the things chosen, with comments like, "oh no, that's too special" or "oh no, that is going to (my perfect child), not to you." etc. did dsil set you up knowingly, or was she upset with how it went? dh's solution to it is to ask for nothing. if she asks us again, we'll simply say that we'd be happy with anything, and then wait to see what happens. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 When my mil says any of us can have stuff but let her check it out first, just to be sure, we don't move. It isn't worth our time for her to say no to whatever it is she first offered. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 When my mil says any of us can have stuff but let her check it out first, just to be sure, we don't move. It isn't worth our time for her to say no to whatever it is she first offered. I'm so sorry. Yes. I would have cut the game short right there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I would protect your daughter. She doesn't deserve it. But keep in mind your MIL isn't doing this to be mean. She has a problem. A problem of panic and anxiety and fear of loss of control that has alienated her from nearly everything and everyone and now she is dying -- the ultimate loss of control. It doesn't mean she gets excused. But it could be a lesson to your daughter about how sick some people are. Quiet lives of desperation and all that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mykdsmomy Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 try your best to use this opportunity to teach your child how to love a cactus. This is a great analogy :) (although fire breathing dragon may be closer to it ;) (j/k...sorta) did dsil set you up knowingly, or was she upset with how it went? I don't think sil saw anything wrong with what mil was doing. They are very similar :( By contrast, my other sil (dh's sister) was there and was literally doing deep breathing the whole time. She had been there for several hours before we got there....when I walked her out to say goodbye, I started mentioning my frustration and she literally said "Please, I'm so sorry but I can't even go there right now...I'm done...just done right now" and this is mil's own daughter! When my mil says any of us can have stuff but let her check it out first, just to be sure, we don't move. It isn't worth our time for her to say no to whatever it is she first offered. I'm so sorry. DH told me I should have left and told her to forget it....but I wanted dd's to be able to take what was theirs. Mil is planning on having a garage sale to sell some of dd's other things. DH told me to ask her when it is and we can come and buy what we want back from her :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Judy, just wondering, is the MIL on any heavy pain meds yet? Eventually it's going to get there, and you may want to ponder over what that can bring to a situation and communication. It may be a very sedated situation or an accelerated reaction above and beyond, magnified through pain control medications. I have done hospice several times, and this one particular facet of medication alone can bring out the worst and best in people. If there are professional folks floating in and out with hospice, it can be extremely cathartic to talk things over with them even briefly; they are very understanding, and it's helpful to have someone face to face who really "gets" the impact of the emotional whirlwind inside the family. They may be able to offer you some tips on dealing with (or moreso, NOT dealing with) whatever is getting thrown at you and your loved ones. I'm sorry things are like this, I hope for the best for all of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 ... We get ready to go and MIL comes out and starts going through the dresses one. by. one....she starts grilling dd's on why they want to take the dresses. She tells dd17 "If you're not going to have children, then what are you going to do with these? I don't want you just giving them away...I paid a lot of money for these"....then she starts crying. She then tells dd that she'd rather keep the dresses if dd was going to give them to my dfd.... I motioned to dd13 to grab the pile of books and toys that they picked out and get them in the van while mil wasn't paying attention. MIL literally held up each dress and grilled dd17 on "Do you remember when we got this dress? Do you remember who bought it for you? Do you remember when you wore it?" It wasn't in a sweet, nostalgic way either....it was in a "do you realize how much I did for you"....way..... I know this is going to sound harsh, but why did you just stand there and allow your MIL to treat your dd so poorly? :confused::confused::confused: I would never tolerate anyone treating my child that way. I don't care if your MIL has issues -- that doesn't mean you had to let her be nasty to your dd. Obviously, your MIL was way out of line, but I think you missed the boat by not staunchly defending your dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Obviously, your MIL was way out of line, but I think you missed the boat by not staunchly defending your dd. You haven't met truly ugly behavior. Stand up to some people and they will claw your face, throw hot coffee on you, start smashing things, call up and scream over and over and over and over. I believe the OP acted from her experience, for there are people with whom you CANnot win, and any effort along that line goes ugly so fast you wish you have never tried. If you haven't been attacked, count your blessings. Once you have been screamed at until you start seeing spots before your eyes and have ringing ears for a day, you must believe those of us who have had this that retreat is sometimes the victory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) You haven't met truly ugly behavior. Stand up to some people and they will claw your face, throw hot coffee on you, start smashing things, call up and scream over and over and over and over. I believe the OP acted from her experience, for there are people with whom you CANnot win, and any effort along that line goes ugly so fast you wish you have never tried. If you haven't been attacked, count your blessings. Once you have been screamed at until you start seeing spots before your eyes and have ringing ears for a day, you must believe those of us who have had this that retreat is sometimes the victory. If that was the case, she should have immediately removed her dd from the situation as soon as her MIL started acting up. I truly sympathize with anyone who has to deal with a MIL like that, but I wouldn't allow someone like you described to get anywhere near my child, whether or not she was a close relative. I'm a big believer in staying away from toxic people, and I guess I'm just not a nice enough person to worry about whether or not I'm hurting a rude and unpleasant narcissist's feelings by keeping that person away from my child. I might feel sorry for that person and pray that she would get the help she needs, but my main concern is my child, and people like the OP's MIL can do a lot of emotional damage with their hurtful words and bizarre actions. Edited July 9, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mykdsmomy Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 If that was the case, she should have immediately removed her dd from the situation as soon as her MIL started acting up. The grilling started when I went to go move our van from the street up to the front of her house. There was a little bit of chaos because dh's sister was leaving at the same time. When I walked back into the house, I saw it all crumbling ...that's when I motioned to dd13 to get the other load into the van while mil was distracted with the dresses. I tried to react as quickly as possible but hindsight is 20/20 and all that. I've been dealing with mil for 20 years....we basically cut ties a few years ago but her illness has brought us back... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Mine was the same way, even with the end in view. Her way of expressing it was full of profanity and ugliness, and at that point I went no contact. Sad, but the tirades didn't end until she literally could no longer speak. What they are is what they are, often to the end. A psychologist we know who is very well-versed in control issues told me that she had NEVER heard of a case where a long-term NPD in hospice care turned around. So don't expect a miracle...sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Sometimes de-escalation is the best choice. And since your relationship with MIL is coming to it's natural conclusion, I wouldn't beat yourself up for your choices. I WOULD take the opportunity to talk to my kids about MIL's mental problems and how they effect everyone. I plan to talk with my kids as they get older about the serious dysfunctions of my ILs. Thankfully they live across the country from us. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 The grilling started when I went to go move our van from the street up to the front of her house. There was a little bit of chaos because dh's sister was leaving at the same time. When I walked back into the house, I saw it all crumbling ...that's when I motioned to dd13 to get the other load into the van while mil was distracted with the dresses. I tried to react as quickly as possible but hindsight is 20/20 and all that. I've been dealing with mil for 20 years....we basically cut ties a few years ago but her illness has brought us back... Oh, OK! I understand now! I was thinking you were just standing there and not saying anything, but now it makes sense to me. :grouphug: She probably intentionally waited to start grilling your dd until you went out to move the van. What a rotten thing to do! :angry: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Oh, OK! I understand now! I was thinking you were just standing there and not saying anything, but now it makes sense to me. :grouphug: She probably intentionally waited to start grilling your dd until you went out to move the van. What a rotten thing to do! :angry: That is likely exactly what she did! My brother in law is like this. He will wait until I get into the car to leave and then step between my son and the door and whisper to him. Needless to say, I will be with my son EVERY second he's around that jerk from now on! :boxing_smiley: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 It might help to remind yourself that those toys, books, and dresses that your MIL bought never really belonged to your children. Really, your MIL bought them for herself, regardless of what she said. The objects that belong to your MIL really aren't worth the drama and pain of interacting with her. This is probably one of those "walk away" times. :grouphug: I'm sorry. This sounds so difficult for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mykdsmomy Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Thank you, everyone :001_smile: Mil is on morphine now (a relatively low dose) but she's not acting "much" different than she usually does so I can't give her a pass on this one. My patience and empathy are wearing thin with her and I honestly wish we could just walk away and be done. It's up to dh what he wants to do and I'll support him but I will NOT force any of my kids to go over there. Things will get ugly, however, in a few weeks. Sil and dh's brother are renewing their wedding vows at mil's house (ironically, sil told me she's only doing it so mil can see them get married since they eloped the first time....but otherwise they wouldn't renew their vows because their marriage has a lot of problems). We're invited and if we don't show up, it will be like WWIII only worse!! Anyway, thanks again for listening to my whining ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Things will get ugly, however, in a few weeks. Sil and dh's brother are renewing their wedding vows at mil's house (ironically, sil told me she's only doing it so mil can see them get married since they eloped the first time....but otherwise they wouldn't renew their vows because their marriage has a lot of problems).We're invited and if we don't show up, it will be like WWIII only worse!! Anyway, thanks again for listening to my whining ;) Arrive just before the ceremony then bribe one of your kids to throw up right after so you can leave "out of concern for dear MIL's health"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Arrive just before the ceremony then bribe one of your kids to throw up right after so you can leave "out of concern for dear MIL's health"? I was going to suggest that she call at the last minute and pretend the whole family had gotten sick, but your way sounds so much more fun! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Arrive just before the ceremony then bribe one of your kids to throw up right after so you can leave "out of concern for dear MIL's health"? :smilielol5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mykdsmomy Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Arrive just before the ceremony then bribe one of your kids to throw up right after so you can leave "out of concern for dear MIL's health"? :lol: Extra Skittles to the kid who trips the bride? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 DH told me I should have left and told her to forget it....but I wanted dd's to be able to take what was theirs. Mil is planning on having a garage sale to sell some of dd's other things. DH told me to ask her when it is and we can come and buy what we want back from her :tongue_smilie: I would send someone else with a list of items you might want. Your mil might not sell stuff to you. She probably would decide it is too precious to sell and that she decided to keep it. OR if there was someone else there who wants what you were looking at, they probably need it more than you so she will sell it to them. :glare: :lol: Extra Skittles to the kid who trips the bride? :lol: :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pdalley Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I know this is going to sound harsh, but why did you just stand there and allow your MIL to treat your dd so poorly? :confused::confused::confused: I would never tolerate anyone treating my child that way. I don't care if your MIL has issues -- that doesn't mean you had to let her be nasty to your dd. Obviously, your MIL was way out of line, but I think you missed the boat by not staunchly defending your dd. It does paralyze you. Especially if you've been dealing with a narrcasist for years and years. I realized I was making a break with my Mother - narrccasist supreme - when she threw a fit the night we were supposed to stay over for my son's birthday. I packed him up and we left - no words - nothing. After that if she started we just left. :grouphug: This sounds very very cold but my mother dying of cancer was horrible - not so much because of the cancer though it was bad - but it was her opportunity to be the center of everything and she used it to inflict as much pain as possible. Then no one could call her on her behavior because I was being mean to the cancer patient. I'm sorry for your DD's and for you. But let her keep her stuff if it comes with conditions. I found out after my mother died that an item she said she would give to one of my ds's when she passed. I later found out she had mentally brow beaten my brother into making sure we didn't get it. And then I didn't want it. At all. I never told ds this and I am so glad. When I pass by it in her house now I am glad I didn't take it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 OP, I am so sorry for you and your kids! My mom is NPD also and we are right now dealing with her being hospitalized for cirrhosis of the liver. I was at the hospital two nights ago, she was in a rage over something I am sure she imagined the nurse saying -total pattern with her. We ended up begging the head nurse to sedate her for the evening. I wanted to ask them to knock her out till we take her home, but knew they couldn't. when she is sedated, she is not so bad as long as we baby her, which I did. Imagine a narcissist in the middle of detoxing. Fun, fun, fun. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mykdsmomy Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 when she is sedated, she is not so bad as long as we baby her, which I did. Imagine a narcissist in the middle of detoxing. Fun, fun, fun. :tongue_smilie: Yep, mil is sweet as pie to anyone who coddles her and waits on her hand and foot. As sick as it sounds, she actually is enjoying an aspect of her "dying" because she is the center of attention of EVERYONE. One thing that is so so sad is that her best friend (who is a very very sweet woman), is also dying of cancer but best friend found out first...(last year) and when she did, mil kept saying "I just can't go see her because it's too hard"....made us all so :banghead: Then when her bf found out she was terminal as well, bf calls mil constantly and doesn't talk about herself at all....she just tries to comfort mil.....how two opposites became bf's is beyond me! and :ack2::ohmy: on the detoxing narcissist. You have my condolences.....I can't even imagine dealing with that!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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