Family members are starting to talk about school already

[Ellyndria]

Apologies in advance for the long post!

 

Family members have started to make comments about DS going to school, and I don't know how to deal with it. Here's some background:

 

To be honest, I never thought about homeschooling until my DS turned 3 earlier this year. DH and I had previously agreed that DS would be going to public school when the time came (couldn't afford private anyway). Then when DS turned 3 I was looking for Kumon workbooks and other preschool workbooks on Amazon, and I started seeing all these other links to other books that people had bought (that section gets me in so much trouble!) and reviews of things by homeschoolers...including the WTM. I was intrigued and I've been reading about it ever since.

 

Also, twice during the year that my DS was 2, DH made a comment like, "I wish we could homeschool him," or "Too bad we can't homeschool him, those kids are so smart."

 

Well, I'd always planned to do preschool stuff here at home with him anyway, and afterschooling of some sort later (although I hadn't heard that term until I came to these boards.) Well now I'm thinking that I might like to homeschool...through high school. But I'm not sure either. Basically I'd like to keep the options open, and decide when the time comes.

 

Well, so for past 4 months or so, we've been doing various preschool-like stuff. Coloring. Painting. Cutting, pasting (Kumon workbooks). Reading lots of books. I started Spanish with him (I took it in high school); DH has started Japanese with him (he is studying it himself right now). HWT Get Set for School (he loves tracing letters and numbers). I just started the ETC primers with him a couple weeks ago, (he already knows at least half of the letter sounds, but I'm not sure which ones he *doesn't* know.) He'll ask to do other random preschool workbooks at times too (he likes workbooks.) To be honest, I'd have been doing all this with him, except for the HWT and ETC, even if I hadn't started reading about homeschooling and found these boards... I just would have looked for other things for him to practice tracing his letters with, and to learn his letter sounds with.

 

DH has always wanted DS to go to preschool. DS is not going this year, but DH wants him to go next year when he is 4. DS is very attached to us and needs to be physically close/near to us usually. He is shy around new people.. I really don't think there's anything wrong with that. What does break my heart though is that he is actually afraid of other kids and won't play with them. He is especially afraid of the beastly ones. :P He is usually fine with adults. DH wants DS to go to preschool for "socialization" and learning how to be away from us. DH was also surprised when I told him that preschool was expensive... he thought it was free, lol! I was only previously ok with the preschool idea because of the fact that so many schools now have all-day kindergarten (what's up with that?) and I thought it might be easier for him to be away from us only part time before he had to start full day K. :(

 

Anyway, DH still wants DS to go to preschool and then school, although he did make the comment to me the other day, "Do you think he would learn anything in preschool that he doesn't already know? Probably not, except for socialization." DH knows I've been reading homeschooling books and these boards, but I think he is only ok with afterschooling at best. I feel like I've got less than a year to prove that DS doesn't need preschool (or real school.) I feel like I have less than a year to teach him enough academic stuff, as well as getting him used to being around other kids (I'm currently taking him to Kindermusik, taekwondo, and storytime) in order to convince DH.

 

There are also other comments lately, which gave me my subject line. DH has started to talk to DS about, "When you go to school..." and when MIL and FIL were here last month (all the grandparents live far away) FIL made a comment to DS, "Someday you'll ride on a schoolbus!" to which I replied without thinking, "He will never ride a schoolbus if I have anything to say about it." (Even if he did end up going to school, I would always take him myself as long as I was able! I really don't like the idea of him riding a bus, never have.) They think he should ride the school bus and that there's nothing wrong with it. I know MIL and FIL would be shocked and worried about socialization if we ever mentioned homeschool. My mom told me about a book she wants to buy DS "to get him used to the idea of going to school." I know she means well, and I've never mentioned thinking about homeschooling. My dad also thinks it's great that I'm doing all that I am with DS right now, "so he'll be ready for school when it's time for kindergarten."

 

Anyway, every time someone makes a school comment, I just don't know what to do! I've been mostly silent, but sometimes I want to reply, "But he's not going to go to school." but I can't exactly do that unless DH first agrees to it. Thing is, DS is already talking about how he wants to go to school and ride a schoolbus..although I don't think he realizes that we wouldn't be there and that a bunch of other kids would be, heh. So I just feel that if DH and others keep making, "When you go to school" comments that would just gets DS's hopes up.

 

Sorry for the wall of text. I'm just trying to figure everything out and I don't know what to do. I'm feeling pressured.

[klmama]

Get a sitter and take dh out to a restaurant where you could talk. Tell him what you told us. Explain how you think your ds would be better off. There may be homeschool groups in your area that have park play dates for preschoolers, so he could learn to socialize that way. There is also the Sunday School option, Awana, and athletic classes at the YMCA or through gymnastics or martial arts.

 

Honestly, though, if your ds is an introvert, being forced into a preschool social situation won't change that. If he's anxious about being away from you, it may even make that worse. I've found that time and gradual practice, not forced practice, made the biggest difference with my anxious introvert. This dc is friendly, kind, and makes friends everywhere, just like my extreme extrovert. Allowing this dc to go at a personal pace rather than forcing things has increased confidence and the ability to do things away from us.

[nmoira]

Anyway, DH still wants DS to go to preschool and then school, although he did make the comment to me the other day, "Do you think he would learn anything in preschool that he doesn't already know? Probably not, except for socialization."

Does he have any friends?

 

If you live in a large enough city, you may be able to start or join a small "preschool" homeschool group. Just don't be disappointed when half the kids end up being sent to kindergarten. :) There are also classes you can do with your son, like Music Together or child/parent swimming lessons. Check any Waldorf schools in the area to see if they have one day parent/child preschools. Classes, even parent/child classes are not necessary, but can be a way that a parent can help a child feel safe in a structured environment with other children.

[JudoMom]

Start with your dh. Lay all of the pros and cons to homeschooling out on the table. I know my dh responds well to well thought out arguments. There is a good chance your ds will be advanced over what he'd learn in preschool, so I would get a scope and sequence (and price sheet ;)) from a few preschools. Show him the level your ds would be working at in comparison. Don't dismiss his concerns, instead show him how you will address his concerns. If he brings up socialization, explain that you understand that concern, and you are addressing it by doing [fill in the blank]. Ask him to give you ds' preschool year to really try out homeschooling, and that you would be open to re-evaluating in the summer for ds' K year, but that you're heart is really leaning toward hsing ds for as long as it works. The sooner you start the dialogue with your dh the longer you have to win him over :D.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

In our situation, the roles were reversed. My dh wanted the dc homeschooled, but, I was thinking that school was the best option and that there was no way I was going to become or allow my dc to become "one of those" homeschoolers!

 

He read books on it and shared what he learned. He found a group of moms who homeschooled and took me to a meeting to get to know them. He made sure I understood that if it didn't work out well, I could always put them in school, but, let's give it 2 years--one to adjust, one to see how it really works. He helped me find a co-op of people to put my dc into for the socialization I was so sure would be lacking if I kept them home.

 

My dds were extremely introverted as well. My ds wouldn't have ever thrived in a traditional school setting. It was bumpy, but by the end of the 2 years, you would have had to pry my dc from my cold, dead fingers to get them into ps. I loved it. I loved the relationship I had with my dc. I was hooked when I was the one who got to see my oldest dd read a book all by herself. I didn't have to hear it from some stranger at a parents meeting. I got to experience it myself.

 

9 years later, I can't imagine another path that would have worked so well for my dc. I hope you all can come to an agreement. If you are in agreement, it doesn't matter what other people say. (our families were against homeschooling as well at the time, now they aren't.)

[PeterPan]

You definitely need to get on the same page. I would pay strong heed to your dh's concern about your ds's shyness and do something about it. I don't think preschool is the only way. You could pursue a play group and some meaningful activities where he interacts with others. It sounds like that's the thing holding your dh back, so I'd get a plan of attack there and talk through how you'd like to approach it, how you could gauge progress and whether it's working. You could run a trial, say 6 months or a year with your ideas, and let him see if your ds is making progress.

[Stacy in NJ]

Does he have any friends?

 

If you live in a large enough city, you may be able to start or join a small "preschool" homeschool group. Just don't be disappointed when half the kids end up being sent to kindergarten. :) There are also classes you can do with your son, like Music Together or child/parent swimming lessons. Check any Waldorf schools in the area to see if they have one day parent/child preschools. Classes, even parent/child classes are not necessary, but can be a way that a parent can help a child feel safe in a structured environment with other children.

 

 

If you can find a friendly play group to join or a cooperative to attend for next year you can really satisfy both your dh's and your own needs and expectations for your ds. They may even be free or at least less expensive then a formal preschool (selling point for dh).

 

Who knows, if you can get plugged in to a homeschool network where your ds has access to "socialization", then the thought of homeschooling for kindergarten and beyond my be more appealing to your dh.

 

Good luck. Just know that at 3 your ds is still little and you have plenty of time to workout an acceptable solution for all concerned.

[shalom22]

This is our story:) When my two dc's were 3 & 4, they were in daycare that had preschool. Both of them were, at that time, very shy and introverted. When I would drop them off, it was heart wrenching because of the emotional strain that we had to go through everyday. Then my ds went to kindergarten. He was doing great academically, but socially he was not. He was still very shy, but he talked a lot, so that was trouble. We managed to make it through kindergarten, but then came first grade. DS was still having a lot of stress, physically and mentally, regarding going to school. Each week he would bring home a folder that held the teachers evaluation of the student. He was doing great academically, but still talked too much to suit the teacher. He is very curious and would ask all sorts of questions, that the teacher didn't have time to answer, so he would get low marks for disturbing the class. Well I could see that too much more of this and the school system would kill the desire to learn in my son and I also figured it was only a matter of time before they recommended putting him on 'drugs'. I was not going to take him down that road. Also during this time, ds was having horrible nightmares that he had never had before, including walking in his sleep. We decided that we were going to start homeschooling both dc's before the November break of his first grade year. Since then, ds has flourished, he is extremely bright and very social. He still talks a lot and we are working on that. But that is one great thing about homeschooling, we can work on problem areas.

 

As far as socialization goes, he socializes with all age groups, from infants to senior citizens. Socialization usually isn't a problem when homeschooling. You just have to ask yourself the question: Who would I rather my ds socialized with? Only other kids his age? Or with people from all ages? Speaking from my experience, I appreciate the fact that most of the kids who are homeschooled are have better attitudes and manners than most kids that I meet that are public schooled.

 

Do a lot of research and begin dialogue with dh. Try to find other homeschoolers in your area and talk with them. There are so many positive things about homeschooling, that hopefully, once your dh and mil's can see it, they will will be supportive of your desire.

 

:grouphug: Prayer and hugs

[JennW in SoCal]

I never in a million years thought we'd be homeschooling. I didn't think I could handle non-stop togetherness with my energetic kids. But my oldest son was just miserable in school -- my joyous and inquisitive little boy disapeared altogether during the school year as it was just such an emotional hurdle to pull it together for 6 hours a day. He didn't have friends there -- it wasn't a brilliant environment for socialization.

 

During Christmas break of his 2nd grade year I read David Gutterson's Family Matters, and I was sold on homeschooling before I even got to chapter one! His introduction alone is that persuasive!! My dh, who really thought the idea of homeschooling was nuts, was also persuaded by this book, and my kids never went back to school.

 

The other ladies are right. You and your dh need to talk it through, talk about your goals and worries. No decision is forever, either -- kids come in and out of homeschooling all the time. Have your dh read some materials, find some homeschool groups in your area.

 

By the way, one of the California homeschool associations had a pamplet written specifically for grandparents, which I bought but never gave out to read as all the grandparents thought it was great. You may have to educate your own folks and in-laws, too, if you wind up homeschooling.

[Chris in VA]

Good Gravy, Woman! He's only 3 years old!

 

Ok that's out of my system now. Relax. You sound so anxious. I second all the advice to get on the same page with dh (or at least in the same chapter). Going out to dinner is a great option, but expect many conversations.

 

I went thru something similar with dh--we started homeschooling with a K'er and a high school freshman. He was most worried about the high schooler (of course), so he made up a list of concerns for me to address. (I actually found the list before he talked about it, so I was able to research his anxieties and questions ahead of time!:D)

 

There are lots of options. You can just go year to year for now, if you want. Or you can really come up with a philosophy and goals for the future--you can go the whole 9 yards, if you want. It might be less scary for your hubby if you just get your toes wet at first.

 

Take a deep, deep breath. If you are going to homeschool, you have to get a thick skin. There will be folks who question your decision, and even you will probably have moments when you wonder if you have what it takes to educate your own. Everyone goes thru some measure of uncertainty, if not with the initial decision, then somewhere down the line, whether it's about curriculum or discipline or the S word.

 

As far as socialization goes, here's a good quote from someone on these boards--I'd link you to the old thread, but I don't know how!

 

Homeschooling families, please listen carefully: What people refer to as socialization in a non-issue! It has become a buzz-word among the Official Homeschool Nay Sayers Society. When someone asks you the question, "What about SOCIALIZATION?" I suggest you begin by asking them, "What do you mean by socialization?" They will more than likely proceed with some variation on the following theme: "You know, having your kids spend time with other kids their age. Hanging out with their friends, stuff like that." At that point, do not, under any circumstances respond with, "Oh, my little Susie gets plenty of socialization! She's in 4-H and Awanas, and Sunday School and Homeschool Band, and she volunteers at the nursing home, etc. etc. etc. In fact she has so many opportunities for socialization that I hardly have time to teach her some days. Yada Yada Yada..." Why not? Because this is not what socialization really is!

 

Here is a more appropriate response: "Oh, I think the word you are looking for is socializing. Socialization is actually defined as the process by which the norms and standards of our society are passed from one generation to the next. I've never really thought that a complete stranger's six year old child would be a good source of information on the correct standards of behavior in our family and in society as a whole. As for socializing, I remember from my school days that it was something you weren't supposed to be doing during class!"

 

We do not have to defend homeschooling based on false assumptions, false accusations, and false information. Please stop telling others about all the opportunities your kids have for "socializing" and start gently exposing them to the real issue here--a lot of what kids learn from other kids in social situations is simply living according to "The Law of the Jungle." In our family, we have a higher set of laws to follow, and I bet your family does, too. Next time, don't be afraid to say so!

 

Be encouraged,

Tina

 

I liked Tina's response so much, I printed it and hung it on my fridge. Hope it encourages you, too.

(And Tina, I hope you don't mind me reposting your excellent advice.)

chris

[FO4UR]

You've got some good advice already. I am going to "ditto" having an obective pros/cons discussion with your dh - keep it a positive, ongoing discussion. Approach it from the aspect that you and dh want to research every option to give your ds the best. Maybe that's HS, maybe not. (If you humor the thought of ps, dh will hopefully humor the thought of HS;))

 

I LOVED the bit on socialization from the pp:lol: I agree 100%. Again, sit down with dh and list out your "socialization goals" for your dc. Then analyze how well ps/hs will address those goals. When my dh actually thought about it, he realized that a group of 20 5yo's is not going to be able to teach our ds how to handle conflict (in that manner we want to teach), or treat an adult (in the manner we want to teach), or help someone who is hurt, stand up to someone who is wrong, etc....

 

There are so many opportunities for your dc to make friends outside of ps, and I think sports/music/co-ops/playdates/church are a better avenue for making friends.

 

Don't worry too much about the comments, yet. Just work on getting on the same page with dh.

[TracyR]

You know it really doesn't matter which you chose to do . I'm all for preschool . Two of my 4 daughters have gone to preschool . Only because they required special needs services at the time . But I had found a wonderful preschool with wonderful , caring and dedicated teachers at a Methodist church ( our Catholic preschool shut down due to lack of children ) . I don't regret sending my daughters at all . They were able to get out for just a little bit and I was able to work with the older child with school work before the preschooler came home .

With that said though my oldest only went to preschool when she was 3 . After that I homeschooled . She was my first so I had all the time in the world to homeschool her . With my other two I just didn't have the time to get out and our homeschool group split up so we had no other choice at the time .

 

If you are able to get out and get involved in activities then there really isn't much need with sending him to a brick and mortar preschool .

Also if he is an introvert now is a good time to teach him not to be . I'll share my story about my oldest . She was very shy and at the time she was 5 . We hadn't been involved in anything because , well I was still learning :>) We signed her up for a dance class that was taught by a wonderful young girl that was in college. She was so sweet and kind and the kids loved her . My oldest was completely all a go for this , then we got there . She just completely shut down and wouldn't do anything but cry . She would let me leave the room . So you know what we did ? We sat in the corner and each and every day for 4 weeks we sat in that corner while she sat in my lap or by me and we watched the kids . Then finally recital day came and we were so afraid that she wasn't going to do a thing . We brought grandma and grandpa and low and behold when her age class came ready to dance she ran up there and danced along side them as if she had danced and practiced all along . We were all just in utter shock . She over came that fear .

 

What is my point ? Don't give into that fear . Showing them they CAN do it gives them more self confidence . It also keeps them from manipulation too . They learn if they cry hard enough for whine long enough that you will give into their every whim . I have done this with 3 of my daughters so far and they are now very confident little girls that well , go and do anything without mom . They are amazing .

 

So as you do activities , encourage that independance to come out , take things one step at a time . Maybe stay in the room the first day in sight . Then the next time sit in a corner and so on . Just baby steps .

 

As for the in laws . Well welcome to the club . I would just tell them you are homeschooling , and if they say something ignorant ( most do ) then do as I have done . Tell them that you can all to agree to disagree but this is what works for your family .

 

Good luck , either way preschool , no preschool he will learn to socialize and be just fine . I don't have problems with good preschools . They bascially go , learn , play , sing songs , color . If you are with a good preschool then he may just open up more . I've seen it happen quite a few times . I remember seeing a few boys grabbing whatever they could find and throwing fits the first few days of school , only to be these confident little ones by the time they graduate . So it can happen and be a good thing too . Its not only a bad thing at all .

What is a good preschool you say ? One that has a good teacher to child ratio . A small size there were 10 boys and 1 girl ( my daughter ) and three teachers . That is an awesome ratio for preschool since law is 20:1 . The teachers , are they dedicated to what they do . Get feed back from other families . Church preschools are usally the way to go if you happen to be Christian .

Its just when you get to the brick and mortar schools elementary/high school . That is where the problems really begin .

[G5052]

I wouldn't assume that because your husband hasn't agreed to homeschooling that it's entirely out. Nothing is written in stone yet, but you are right that you need to work this out before assumptions are made. Many of us who homeschool only go year-to-year anyway. I'm not 100% anti-public or private school and can see situations where we'd have to go that way, but for now we are homeschooling are starting our 8th year. It would be hard to send them off now, but I personally wouldn't consider it a disaster. When they were younger I probably would have considered a good preschool if we had been able to afford it, but we couldn't then and so we didn't. Somehow they've done fine.

 

I also wouldn't draw major conclusions about your son's future personality and ability to socialize at this point. Children change at vastly different rates during the preschool years, and a child who is not interested in other children at 3 is actually quite NORMAL. Boys tend to be less social earlier on than girls. My oldest really wasn't into friends/playmates until he was almost 6, and now at 11 he's quite the social butterfly. He talks more with his friends on the phone than my daughter!

[iquilt]

I agree with starting with dh. I didn't seriously consider homeschooling until our oldest was in ps Kind. on a ridiculous 1/2 day schedule that had her eating lunch at 9:30am and prevented the rest of us from doing anything fun during the day, ever, because of the school bus schedule. I did some research among my homeschooling friends and then I took it dh. He was extremely skeptical (having had his schooling at a private boarding school) but starting in K was the easiest place to start. K is not even required in our state so we pulled her out over the Thanksgiving break and started after Christmas break. It was so great having her back home with us and going on fun field trips again that we kept her home for our first "official" year of first grade last year. She is now reading on a 4th grade level (last time I tested her was April, though, she may be higher now) and has shown a big strength in language. Math is going well, right where she's supposed to be.

 

Anyway, I hope my story helps a little. I proved to dh that homeschool could be good and now everyone knows that is where we are now. His family is not on board, but they live 5 states away and have learned to not say anything negative to our children or they will not be visiting our home for awhile. I believe that by the time mine are in college she'll come around :). HTH

[moki4]

at least for this moment!

How about a "trial one yr HS'ing?"

You sound like most of us when we first discovered HS'ing. It really takes your breath away. It is awesome, and so exciting! And no, you do not have to send your child to PS. This is what I started telling my family. There are options, and HS'ing is one of them.

We love it with all the ups and downs. My kids NEVER want to go to PS again. I think I may have threatened them a few times when we had one of our bad days:D

I have 4 kiddos, all 10 and under and I work professionally 1 day per week. If I can do it, you can!

Lots of encouragement from these boards:lol: good luck and best wishes,

[Paula in PA]

That's what did it for us, especially the WTM. He had socialization questions, too ("What about the Prom?" :glare:). I used a couple of these links to help settle that:

 

http://www.angelfire.com/mo/sasschool/socialization.html

 

http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig/zysk1.html

 

http://learninfreedom.org/socialization.html

 

http://homeschooling.suite101.com/article.cfm/socialization_at_home

 

http://www.webeans.net/hutt/socialize.htm

 

As for family, I've gotten questioned and taken to task for homeschooling dd. But I got the same treatment when I chose to do extended BF. So I decided I just wasn't going to let it stop us and dh agreed completely. :001_smile:

[Carol in Cal.]

It is not necessarily the age to start playing avidly with other children. Parallel play is still really common.

 

At 4 my DD had one friend who, when she visited, would bring her own toys. The two of them would play separately for about 1/2 an hour, but sort of watch each other, and then they would start playing together and pretty soon would be getting all creative and having a great time. That's at 4. At 3they really didn't do playdates all that much.

 

Also, one thing that was great about taking DD to a preschool was that she made friends for life there. She is 12 now, and the children that she went to parent coop preschool with are still her closest friends, even though most of them go to regular school. So that is an advantage. Also, in a parent coop you do get to know the other families really well, so you find out who is likeminded and cultivate ongoing relationships with them. Who knows, you may even find someone who you end up homeschooling with! (I didn't, but some of those families switched to homeschooling later, which was interesting.)

 

I think that you can do great at home with your child or a preschool with him, but that shy kids often have a hard time with drop off preschools--especially the ones who won't let you stay and support the transition. I think it is ridiculous to get kids all upset at 3 or 4 by making them feel abandoned. If a kid cries for his mother at that age, that's really what he needs, and it doesn't improve his development to force him to deal with it.

 

But then, I'm an attachment kind of mom. But still. If a 3 year old wants his mother, he's not be difficult. He's just being himself. It's a reasonable desire, and I think it's nice to give in to it if at all possible.

 

WRT homeschooling, you don't have to decide now to homeschool through high school. You could take it year by year, both in your own head and and publicly to your extended family. You can just say that you're homeschooling next year, and if asked, that you haven't decided when to put him into school, and leave it at that.

[melissel]

You've gotten tons of great advice. I just want to say that there are many of us who spent the few years leading up to kindergarten using guerrilla tactics to convince their DHs that HSing is a viable option! I personally have owned vol. 1 of The Story of the World since DD5 was 2 :lol:

 

Stay calm, and arm yourself with the information that will work to your advantage. What finally clinched it for me was telling DH (who was already half convinced, but also very worried about "socialization") that the best place to start was kindergarten, because she was already ahead (had been reading for a year), so if I completely blew teaching the K stuff, we'd know HSing wasn't for us and we didn't really lose anything. I also found a science "playgroup" with other kids my DD's age, and I started my own playgroup, which is flourishing. That was enough to settle DH's concerns.

 

Also, preschool's not so bad, as long as you find the right one. DD5 spent two years in a very gentle, play-based preschool and loved every minute of it. DD2 will be going in the fall, and is already attending "summer camp" there, and is loving every minute of it. I do think it helps them get used to being around other kids, if you're so inclined. However, if you bring your DS and he is terrified and clinging, I would NOT force the issue at all. I don't think preschool is a necessary thing, but it can be a "nice to have," if you have the money and the inclination. (DD2 will be going so I can have some one-on-one time with DD5.) In our case, DD2 will so Tuesday and Thursday mornings at preschool, and I will doing a basic preschool routine at home. When the time comes for K, she'll then be home with me full time.

 

Good luck. Read, read, read. Gird your loins and gather your resources, and be prepared to present a full case to your DH. Even if he says no right now, you have plenty of time to persuade him otherwise.

[LadyAberlin]

I take ds 4.5 to a homeschool prek group once a week during the school yr. That has worked great for him. It gives him some practice sitting in a circle and singing and following directions. My ds isn't shy, but he starts bouncing off the walls when he gets in social situations with more than one kid around. He likes to be the center of attention. So I can just imagine what it would be like to send him to school. Maybe there is a prek group there you can get involved in.

[5knights3maidens]

Wow, I think you are doing a great job. I do think you need to sit down with your dh. It sounds like he may be turning to homeschooling also.

Another thing, When one of my older boys was 3 and 4 yrs. old, I sent him to a 2 1/2 hour "pre-school" 3 days a week. He was extremely shy. I found out many years later that he never ever talk there!!! The adults let the other children talk for him! I was never told! How shocked I was! So, just because a child goes to school to "socialize", it doesn't mean he/she will.

And again, you are doing a great job. :001_smile:

[Alison in KY]

First, I'm still afraid of the beastly kids :) (worse yet, sometimes I think my kids are being the beastly ones, UGH).

 

Anyway, some of your story sounds a bit familiar, although my son was never interested in workbooks...and he went to preschool since he was 2 because I wanted him to be so smart (my mistake).

 

Try to relax although I understand the pressure you are probably feeling. I think I felt the same way once I was bitten by the homeschool bug. For me I just didn't want to send my son off to be with someone else ALL DAY LONG. Also, he was the opposite, although he had been to preschool for 2, 3, and 4 yr old he could care less about what sounds a letter made or how to write. But once I felt like this was the best for him, I lived and breathed homeschooling and could see no other way.

 

My husband was a different matter entirely. In the end, I was able to convince him, grudgingly I might add, because the preschool teacher didn't feel like my son was mature enough for all day K and they wanted him to do preschool again. We met with the K teachers who suggested that we listen to the preschool teachers. My husband didn't want to pay for another round of preschool so I strongly suggested that he give me a year to "try" homeschooling. Every year since, for four years now, I hold my breath throughout the summer waiting for the hammer to slam down on my homeschooling experience. He's made comments here and there, and there are certainly aspects that he doesn't like about it...less money, messy house, etc...but there are positives there that I've surprisingly heard him saying to a few other people...he never shares it with me unfortunately.

 

It sounds like your husband is alot more pro-homeschooling than mine was. At least he's made a few comments that sound positive. Plus, he's already taking an active part in your sons education...yeah for you both. I would just share with him your feelings on your sons education. Let him know the possibilities with homeschooling...vacations on your own schedule, not having to worry about missing too many sick days, teaching at your sons pace..or whatever you think would count as a benefit.

 

Assure him that you would never let your son be weird or whatever and that you would ensure your son has friends. Follow your heart and don't push things to far with your son...he's young yet and if he's afraid around wild kids then that's okay. I once let a preschool teacher tell me that after 15 minutes or so my daughter would be okay and would get used to preschool. So against my heart and better judgement I did...just to prove to them that I knew my kid. They came and got me w/i maybe 10 minutes because she was so inconsoleable that they thought she would throw up....I figured that would happen but I let others pressure me into that little experiment, one of those things I'll always regret (like 2 yr old preschool for my son).

 

One thing that I would watch out for is putting yourself in a position that you have to prove you can educate your son to a certain level (like you can do better than ps or whatever). I set myself up for that when my son was 5...with the let me "try" homeschooling then I felt like I had to compete with what was going on in public school. MY reality was that my son was not ready for formal kindergarten...I did take a laid back approach with him but I've always felt pressure (maybe all on my part) to prove that I was being successful at homeschooling. In reality I am successful, but we weren't at the same "grade level" as some of the other 5 yr olds. Now in our 5th year of homeschooling, I realized how much it has helped for me to just go light until my kids were around 7, then start doing more. My son has just turned 9 and until he was 8 his reading wasn't "at level" so to speak, but he matured, his reading took off and instead of struggling my waiting paid off and he recently sat down and did some software programs for 6 and 7 yr olds...something he couldn't do at that age but he did it in like one 45 minute sitting...and enjoyed it...at this age. I also waited until he was seven to try and teach him how to tie his shoes :) Less stress for me that way.

 

I've also decided to try and ignore that whole "grade level" labeling...because I started when my son was 5 and told him he was in kindergarten...when in reality he was 6 and still in kindergarten. So now he just turned 9 and he's going to be in 3rd grade for a bit longer. I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I had started off saying "you're starting "school" instead of your starting "kindergarten school"" I know your son sounds like academically he's doing really well, but even then you might wind up with a 4 yr old who is doing formal K work...but you may not want him graduating at 16 or 17...so I'd downplay the grade and just move along at his pace.

 

One last thing. I've spent most of my parental life with my 3 kids hanging by my side. It only gets at me when I let what I think others are saying start to bother me. Even my husband adds to that pressure sometimes with stuff like "why is it always our kids who have to have their parents there". When that starts eating at me I get frustrated and that frustration ends up landing on my kids in the form of anger that they won't just go to this place, etc without me. My kids are MY kids...they are unique and none of them just go off to VBS or Sunday School, etc very easily. I really don't think this woud be any different if they had went to public school...instead it would have been tougher. However, my middle child who is probably the most reserved...she now has friends she hangs with. Give her an hour around another kid and she'll slowly warm up to them and then playing (usually by the time I'm ready to leave). I sometimes wish for them that they would walk off and stay with others easier...but so far all three of mine are pretty much the same that way. It does get better and as long as your are a responsible caring parent then your son will develop relationships in his own time. My daughter didn't even talk when she was 3...now she's seven and she won't shut up...and she has several friends that she's close with...although she's still quiet around new kids...for awhile at least.

 

Good luck and pray. Let us know what happens.

 

Alison in KY

[titianmom]

You might just want to print this out and show him the letter. Here' sa mom who wouldn't have dreamed of homeschooling and now wouldn't let anyone change the fact that she homeschools, LOL.

 

It might just work.

 

Kim

 

In our situation, the roles were reversed. My dh wanted the dc homeschooled, but, I was thinking that school was the best option and that there was no way I was going to become or allow my dc to become "one of those" homeschoolers!

 

He read books on it and shared what he learned. He found a group of moms who homeschooled and took me to a meeting to get to know them. He made sure I understood that if it didn't work out well, I could always put them in school, but, let's give it 2 years--one to adjust, one to see how it really works. He helped me find a co-op of people to put my dc into for the socialization I was so sure would be lacking if I kept them home.

 

My dds were extremely introverted as well. My ds wouldn't have ever thrived in a traditional school setting. It was bumpy, but by the end of the 2 years, you would have had to pry my dc from my cold, dead fingers to get them into ps. I loved it. I loved the relationship I had with my dc. I was hooked when I was the one who got to see my oldest dd read a book all by herself. I didn't have to hear it from some stranger at a parents meeting. I got to experience it myself.

 

9 years later, I can't imagine another path that would have worked so well for my dc. I hope you all can come to an agreement. If you are in agreement, it doesn't matter what other people say. (our families were against homeschooling as well at the time, now they aren't.)

[sunshine]

My husband told me that I was not going to make a "freak" out of his son, when I approached him about homeschooling. I was a new Christian and he was unsaved and a great big redneck. He wanted a football playing, girl chasing, truck driving and hunting redneck son. So off to public school he went. 1st -3rd he was in the gifted class and I stayed at the school everyday, all day. Helping teachers, on the board of the PTA. Volunteering for every festival, activity, field trip, whatever there was. I was there. So I saw everything, the bullying, the blind eye of the teachers, the biased reverse racism, and the overt racism. The violence of parents etc...

And I reported every incident, large or small to my husband. And I prayed for his heart to change. I put my son in baseball outside of school and piano, basketball and art. I made sure that he was getting everything I could give him and appeased my husband. My son is not interested in sports except as intramural. Even now at 6.2 in and 210lbs.

My husbands reaction was to pull him out of public school and put him private (this was after my son was mugged in the library by a kid who should have been in 7th grade and was in 4th). so 4th grade was in a private school and the Lord created a financial crisis for us, and my son didn't want to go to school and asked me to homeschool him, I had been telling him all along that I would like to but Daddy thought school was best. Now you may think that was wrong. But I didn't make it sound like it was a bad thing. Daddy just didn't agree with me and I was to submit to Daddy. but I told him he could ask Daddy and he did. On a shrimping trip one weekend before school started. And out of the blue (thanks to the Lord) he said we could try it for 1 year. Now 8 years later as we look at our senior, Eagle Scout, bagpiper, viola, violin and piano player. Hunter, fisher and driver of a redneck truck, my husband beams with pride. We also have a 1st grader and 3rd grader all homeschooled, my husband is one of the biggest advocates for homeschooling. And guess what? he asked for a Bible for Father's Day but we didn't buy it, what?? oh just kidding, of course we did. So my advice is to gently persuade him with what is wrong with the school system and then get your son to ask. Promise your Dh that you will prove it will be better. Get involved with a homeschool group and get active. all my family and his thought I was crazy but they all sing the same tune now. Stephen is our pride and the girls are our joy.

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

It is not necessarily the age to start playing avidly with other children. Parallel play is still really common

 

:iagree: and was thinking the exact same thing. So many kids get pushed into daycare at such a young age that we think that it is "normal" for three year olds to play with one another. Last time I looked at a bunch of three year olds in a Sunday School classroom, about 1/2 were parallel playing, 1/4 were "playing" with a friend, 1/4 were either crying at the door for mama! LOL! (totally kidding with those fractions, but you get my drift)

 

You've gotten lots of great advice about talking with dh, etc. I honestly believe that if you give your ds social experiences, he'll learn to get along with others. The whole "socialization" thing drives me bonkers. Here's a great article for you to read: How to Answer the Socialization Question. There are a TON of social experiences in homeschooling. Some people make it sound like we stay holed up in our houses for 12 years of schooling. Couldn't be further from the truth.

[Jenny in Florida]

Because my husband and I both had pretty miserable experiences in public school, we had vowed our daughter would never to to "that place." We assumed all along that we would somehow scrape together the money to send her to private school.

 

There were not a lot of kids in the area where we lived for her to play with. So, starting when she was about two and a half, we did send her to preschool two mornings a week. It was, at first, not a good experience. She cried every day that I left her. Then I went home a cried, just because it was so difficult to leave her there when she was so unhappy.

 

She was fine when I came to pick her up, but didn't really love preschool the way some kids do. She liked the teachers, but never really bonded with the other kids. Eventually, she found one other little girl she really liked, but if that girl happened to be absent, it was a bad day.

 

At that point, I had not even considered homeschooling. I had a friend who was talking about homeschooling her daughter, but I, frankly, thought the idea was a little kooky. We did, however, do some educational stuff at home, just for fun, and we read aloud a lot and all that sort of thing. So, it didn't surprise us when our daughter said she wasn't learning anything at preschool. We honestly weren't expecting it to be an academic experience, just social. Even that, though, was problematic. Our daughter was a very bright and imaginative little girl, and she liked to play by creating these elaborate and on-going fantasies. So, she would set up toys in certain ways to play out her game and get very upset when other kids would "mess things up" for her. Of course, we explained over and over again that she had to share the toys, but it was just really difficult for her. She also had trouble coping with the noise and chaos of a preschool classroom. And, because she was extremely verbal, she found it very frustrating that the other kids didn't understand the words she used and could only talk "baby talk."

 

Nonetheless, we had her continue. (Sometimes, now, I wonder why.) Then the year rolled around when all the other parents were enrolling their kids in pre-K programs. Because our daughter has a December birthday, she was going to have to spend another year in preschool and enter kindergarten a year later than most of her friends. Given that she was already so far ahead of the curve academically, we just couldn't see how that was going to be in her best interest. So, I started researching private schools with pre-K programs to see if any of them would be more flexible about her age.

 

Well, this is already too long, but basically what happened was that we discovered there was not one single private school in our area that we liked. Not just for pre-K but for the long term. (Well, okay, there was one, but the tuition was so high that it might as well not have been there.) Finally, on a whim, I went to the library one day while my daughter was in preschool and checked out everything they had about homeschooling.

 

What's funny is that this happened to be the day I was scheduled for my parent-teacher conference. So, I went into the meeting with that stack of homeschooling books under my arm. I remember feeling embarassed about it and trying to hide them.

 

That day, the preschool teacher told me what an unusual child my daughter was, how bright, etc. And it just confirmed for me that feeling that making her wait a year and then sending her off to public school was going to be a major mistake.

 

So, I read all those homeschooling books, cover to cover. Then I sat my husband down one night after we put our daughter to bed and talked to him about what I was reading. He had someconcerns about socialization and about my ability to follow through (not one of my big skills at that point in my life).

 

Eventually, we agreed to do a trial year. Because our daughter was going to be locked out of pre-K the following year, we decided that I would start working with her formally, keeping records and doing everything just as I would have to do if she were of an age when we would have to report. At the end of the year, we'd evaluate. If he wasn't happy with my efforts or her progress or if I decided the whole thing wasn't for me, we'd still have a year to find that perfect private school and figure out how to pay for it.

 

As it turned out, we all loved it, and we kept going.

 

When our son was old enough, we didn't even consider any other possibility, just started homeschooling him, too, when the time came.

 

My daughter homeschooled until she was 12, at which point she applied to and is now attending and early entrance college program. My son has been more of a challenge, but is still homeschooling, squeezing the academic stuff in around a busy schedule of performing arts activities.

 

Your child is still quite young. Maybe you could consider a trial year, too? Just to see if homeschooling is really the right path for your family.

[Ellyndria]

Thank you for all the replies. I enjoy reading your stories.

 

To be honest.. I wouldn't care what the rest of the family said...if I had a firm plan and could say, "This is what we have decided and are doing." But I can't say that unless DH agrees.. I know I need to talk to him. I guess I feel like I need to do more research first before I can make a convincing argument.

 

I think the other thing that bothers DH, besides the socializing/socialization thing, is the money. To him, public school is free, so why should we pay any money for education? I mean, we have bills, but we're not completely bad off. I mean he has no problem spending money on going out to eat, yet he complains if I buy books. "Are you done buying books yet?" (For the record, haven't bought any in a while except for the gift cards that needed to be used up this month. We've been using the library a lot, but there's a lot of things that aren't at the library.) He doesn't have a problem with spending money on a lot of stuff, but then all of a sudden when it comes to something that really matters, like DS's car seat, or books (which are a good investment to me), it's a problem.

 

Moving on...

 

No, DS doesn't have any friends, and it's our fault. We've moved twice since he was born, and will most likely move again within the next year or two. Neighbors pretty much keep to themselves. Our own friends are scattered across the country and we keep in touch with them online. We're pretty happy as is and don't really feel the need to get out and make more friends. We *are* doing some activities as I mentioned in my first post, but DS hasn't really taken to any child in particular.

 

I really don't understand why other people are so worried about socialization..at age 3! Like many of you said, lots of 3 year olds are still doing parallel play anyway. I just don't want my DS to be afraid of other kids, is all. Before I went to kindergarten myself, I had a cousin that I played with sometimes, but not really any other kids on a regular basis. I didn't go to preschool, and when I started kindergarten (a couple weeks before I turned 6), I was fine. All the other kids around me were crying for their moms, but I was happy and ready and eager, and got along just fine with the other kids. Maybe DS will be just fine when he gets older too?

 

I have a feeling that out of all the relatives that my mom would be the most supportive of homeschooling. She's like doing things differently and likes things that are different. The inlaws are a lot more mainstream though.

 

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this, but thanks for reading my ramblings, if anyone still is, heh.

[melissel]

Well, there are definitely other issues at play here. With regard to money, any PS parent could tell you that while PS is free, there are still plenty of costs involved: snacks, birthday parties in class, pictures, supplies, the latest cool toys or gadgets or clothes that everyone just has to have, etc. Plus, as you pointed out, he wasn't too thrilled to find out preschool is NOT free, so you could make these next few years your "trial run" :D

 

You can also point out to him that even if your child goes to PS, you will NEVER stop buying books. That's just silly. Books are an invaluable part of life. Maybe you could appease him by making an very noticeable effort to go to the library more or by gathering books off Freecycle, and by pointing out that there are LOADS of free curriculum materials and resources out there, especially for the younger years.

 

You could also do what my friend Kate did. When it came time to register her daughter for kindergarten, she simply told her husband that she was not supportive of public school, and that if he believed it was the best option for their DD, then she would go back to work FT and he could consider himself the point person for all the work that PS entails--PTA meetings, volunteering in class, transportation, teacher meetings, homework, etc. Of course he wouldn't do that, so it's HS for them :lol: And now he's amazed and totally supportive of their journey.

 

I know it's contrary to what many here believe, but I believe that you don't need to back down to your DH if you truly believe HSing is what's best for your son. I might not make a HUGE stand on the issue right now, but I would spend the next two years focusing on small steps--finding the HS-oriented playgroups or co-ops (start your own! Ours has worked out wonderfully), reading the books, focusing on your son's learning style and being ready to go with him when he leaps ahead, etc. And as another poster pointed out too, if you can help him learn to read before K, that will go a long way toward making K a good "trial year" where nothing is lost if you HS for K. Check out lots of books from the library on HSing and leave them laying around in strategic places. Try these:

 

Anything by John Holt

The Well-Adjusted Child: The Social Benefits of Homeschooling

Homeschooling the Early Years

Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense

 

You could also read the first few pages of this book to him--it describes how moms are usually the drivers of the decision to homeschool, and how dads are reluctant for the very same reasons your DH is, but how most families agree to try it on for size during the K year, and the next thing you know, the dads are the biggest supporters and are telling everyone how great it is.

 

What state are you in, BTW? Maybe we could help you find some resources there.

[alpidarkomama]

My daughter, now 6, was also not comfortable being out of sight of us for a class or something until very recently. She was fine visiting a friend and stuff, but if it involved people she wasn't closely familiar with she definitely wanted me there. We never pushed her at all and just let it be. Now she gets so excited when she goes to do something on her own (like horse camp for 2 hours a day last week) and doesn't feel awkward or shy at all. She almost sounds surprised that she didn't "need" me there. :) I think the world needs more apron strings, and I truly don't understand this huge urge to push kids out of the nest before they've had a chance to grow a little (i.e. full-day kindergarten... OY!).

[TxMama]

Hopefully you and dh will come to a decision soon.

 

In the meantime, look around for a homeschool group and attend a few parkdays. Perhaps one of the these groups will have a preschool group ( or you could start one!). If you show that you are taking your dh "socialization" issue seriously and are trying to meet this need perhaps he will be more likely to jump on the homeschooling bandwagon. Once you find a really good group and your child gets comfortable with a group of kids then bring daddy along to meet some of the families and see what a great option homeschooling could be for your family.

 

Best of luck!

[Mandamom]

>>>>I really don't understand why other people are so worried about socialization..at age 3! Like many of you said, lots of 3 year olds are still doing parallel play anyway. I just don't want my DS to be afraid of other kids, is all.>>>>

 

One of my daughters is very shy and introverted and she goes to school and sending her to school hasn't made her more comfortable with other kids. At 3 and 4 she was very afraid of other kids and particularly adults and even now at 7 she doesn't approach others, didn't talk to the teacher on her own or even laugh out loud until the last day (the teacher e-mailed me saying it made her day) nor has going to school increased her comfort with interacting with other kids or adults. She enjoys school, likes her classmates but her basic personality (as is mine) makes it hard for her to be with others. All that to say, is that she enjoys school and is doing well.

 

I also homeschooled my now 15 year old for years because he wasn't interacting with other children very well. After a few months of homeschooling I heard numerous people people say how much happier and relaxed he was now that he was home. We worked on social interactions because he struggled with those (again, he's very shy also) and he improved tremendously. He's still an introvert and that's okay. He's very happy with himself and his accomplishments.

 

Homeschooling isn't an option for me now in my life but it won't change the basic personality of your chiildren. I had to convince my dss biomom to let me homeschool my dss and I was able to do that by asking that we try it for a year. Five years later she was trying to convince me to homeschool longer, even though for other marital reasons I knew that I couldn't.

[AudreyTN]

My dd is in 4th grade this year and she was in preschool for about 6 weeks just after she turned 4yo. We've homeschooled ever since.

 

Every year, about this time, a lot of my family still say, "So are they going to school this year?" Like we've given some indication that it might happen.

[babysparkler]

DH wants DS to go to preschool for "socialization" and learning how to be away from us.

 

We sent our ds to public school for that sole reason... "socialization"... so I wanted to comment on that.

 

He already knew everything that he was to learn in K, so the whole academic side of ps was lost, but we thought that he needed to be around other kids and learn to socialize, etc. Here are the two major things I learned:

 

1) Church, city sport leagues and homeschool associations offer just as much structured socialization than ps can offer, with an added degree of "parental control" in selecting the peer group. There are plenty of opportunities for your children to be away from you.

 

2) Being in an un-stimulating academic environment for 6 hours everyday can be dreadfully boring and damaging to their general well-being. My fun-loving, happy son became borderline depressed as a Kindergartener.

 

PSing for the sole-purpose of "socialization" is not worth it in my eyes.

[Ellyndria]

Update:

 

Since this thread from last year was dredged up, I thought I'd give an update.

 

DH is now on board with homeschooling. According to his age, DS would be starting preschool this year. It helps that we couldn't afford the preschool that we would have sent him to anyway. :tongue_smilie: But DH also realizes that DS is well beyond any academics that they'd be doing in preschool, as DS is already/will be doing kindergarten level work this year.

 

DS is also not so afraid of other kids anymore, although he is still hesitant occasionally. This is fine with me, I am no longer worried. A couple weeks ago he even did a half-day zoo camp without me, and he had fun, and will be going for another half-day zoo camp later this week. (Other things like tae kwon do and swimming lessons, he goes in the room/pool by himself, but I am still around outside.)

 

As far as relatives go, my mom knows I plan to homeschool and she is enthusiastic about it. I haven't officially told my dad, but he knows we do "lessons" which he thinks is a good thing. As far as the in-laws go, I don't know if they've been officially told or not, but after reading this board for the past year I have plenty of responses should they say anything negative. :tongue_smilie:

[rockermom]

I know, my son is even yournger than yours, but I can relate about the family comments. (DH has been on board with HS since we met. :D)

 

I've stopped discussing it with either my family or his. I politely "pass the bean dip". They all tend to gang up on me and tell me how cruel my plans are for poor little RockerTot.

 

I would definitely do as so many others have suggested and only address your DH and his concerns.

 

I apologize for my lack of eloquence. RockerTot just woke from his nap so I had to be swift.

Edited August 5, 2009 by rockermom