jrn Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 The whole family including the extended family won't talk to me. I guess I'm not surprised it happened but it still hurts. My sister just arrived home from her 3rd tour in Afghanistan and I find out about it on facebook through a distant cousin. I know my family (dh and kids) are better becuse we don't have contact with my mom, but sheesh to lose the whole family kinda stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug:I am sorry. I have been through similar. The only advice I have is to just continue to take care of yourself and your family. Post about them (your immediate family) thereby being present with your extended on the fringes of Facebook. If there is an ounce of health in them they will soften, miss you, or become curious. I have found that most people cannot stand you being okay, when they are working so hard to punish you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug:I am sorry. I have been through similar. The only advice I have is to just continue to take care of yourself and your family. Post about them (your immediate family) thereby being present with your extended on the fringes of Facebook. If there is an ounce of health in them they will soften, miss you, or become curious. I have found that most people cannot stand you being okay, when they are working so hard to punish you. :grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vontinney Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Glad to know I'm not the only one out there with situations like this...:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 That stinks. Having been deployed, your sister may not know or know the extent of problems that led you stop communicating with your mother. If it were me I might consider sending a card that said "I'm happy to hear you are home and safe." and leave it at that. Family member will probably figure out the problem, but it may take years. I think the idea of just keeping up FB postings about your immediate family so outer relatives can pass on information is good. Over time, that may be a place for someone to try to contact you. I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug: These types of situations really s*ck. Sorry you have to deal with so much fall out from making the best decision for your family :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Unfortunately, this is fairly common : (. I agree that it might be nice to send your sister a brief card like Betty suggested. And yes, even though it is common, it still s*cks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Unfortunately, this is fairly common : (. I agree that it might be nice to send your sister a brief card like Betty suggested. And yes, even though it is common, it still s*cks. :iagree::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 Thanks to all of you! I've been holding back on posting on fb because I didn't want my mom to have any knowledge about what we are doing. I guess it's my way of punishing her. She wants to see our kids but not repair things between me and her. Hmmm, I'll have to think things through again... I did send off a email to my sister. Excellent idea. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry, I've lost pretty much my entire family too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Is your mom personality disordered? Both of my parents are and I finally -- after decades of trying -- went no contact several months ago. My dad was mean to my son and that was it as far I'm concerned. Personality disordered people poison everyone else -- and the innocent others don't know what/who to believe. I can understand their confusion. Take good care of yourself -- it's not easy. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug: There was a time my sister was doing her best to punish me for perceived infractions and one day she let slip the reason. She was jealous that she couldn't do the hard things I was doing. I wasn't taking the easy, more traveled path and she was really ticked off that I was being "above the family". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I have found that most people cannot stand you being okay, when they are working so hard to punish you. :grouphug: Wow, what a great point! This is not an easy situation, made worse by people who should keep their noses out of it. (And by that I meant the family members who are not staying out of it but taking sides by ignoring you!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 It has been almost 15 years since I broke contact with my mom. The saddest part was when my aunt whom I was named after, and who I lived with said that she could not see me if I didn't see my mom. My aunt is having some health problems, and I really want her to meet my 13 year old. My aunt never had any daughters or granddaughters, and my daughter is so much like her with very similar interests. I meant to ask my sister if she might be willing to take my daughter there for a visit. I don't trust my mom not to show up and try to ruin it, but she is afraid of crossing my sister, so it might work. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Doing what has to be done sure isn't easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug: There was a time my sister was doing her best to punish me for perceived infractions and one day she let slip the reason. She was jealous that she couldn't do the hard things I was doing. I wasn't taking the easy, more traveled path and she was really ticked off that I was being "above the family". Sounds like my husband's family. They are all mad at me because I want better for my children. Their attitude is "It was good enough for us." I completely don't understand, my family is all about betterment. Oh well. I just smile and nod, then turn around a roll my eyes and stick out my tongue. Doing what has to be done sure isn't easy. :iagree: I wanted to add, if you are afraid that posting on Facebook will bring your mom back into your life, I wouldn't do it. I've found that with people who can't accept boundaries, cutting them out 100% is the only way to handle them. They will NOT stay on the sideline. Just my experience, of course, but one of the reasons I quit Facebook altogether. I don't think it sounds like you are punishing your mom, it sounds like you have set boundaries to protect your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 The whole family including the extended family won't talk to me. I guess I'm not surprised it happened but it still hurts. My sister just arrived home from her 3rd tour in Afghanistan and I find out about it on facebook through a distant cousin. I know my family (dh and kids) are better becuse we don't have contact with my mom, but sheesh to lose the whole family kinda stinks. I'm so sorry. Our counselor-daughter tells me that people that who put up boundaries may experience some loneliness. Uh-duh. Yes, we've been in the same position. You'll fill up those 'holes' with great folks/relationships, I'm sure! Hangeth in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momma_Bear Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted July 6, 2012 Author Share Posted July 6, 2012 Is your mom personality disordered? Alley Not diagnosed. I've read up about NPD and she has many of the traits, but not the main classic traits. So I can't diagnose what the issue is, but our relationship was dysfunctional at best. As long as I complied with her every suggestion, things were fine. I finally grew a spine and said no more when I saw her treating my kids the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 :grouphug:I am sorry. I have been through similar. The only advice I have is to just continue to take care of yourself and your family. Post about them (your immediate family) thereby being present with your extended on the fringes of Facebook. If there is an ounce of health in them they will soften, miss you, or become curious. I have found that most people cannot stand you being okay, when they are working so hard to punish you. :grouphug: :iagree: I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain that you are experiencing. Setting boundaries is extremely risky, but in the end we need to make and keep firm choices that benefit the emotional health and well being of both ourselves and our dc and family. My family is fractured in a couple of places, but the most painful and long-standing one is the relationship between my sis and I. I had to set a boundary with her regarding her abusive behavior toward me and the result was that she cut me completely out of her life. Very painful, yes, but I don't miss the abuse and drama of the past. I'd rather have a restored, healthy relationship, but it isn't just up to me. Glad to know I'm not the only one out there with situations like this...:grouphug: For sure. But at the same time it's terribly sad that so many families have split, don't you think? :grouphug: I'm sorry, I've lost pretty much my entire family too. Yeah, it's not just my sis and I. She also cut out our mom and brother. And then a few years later my brother cut dh and I out of his life. We're heartbroken and sick over it all, but we also understand that you can't force people to do the right thing. They all know our door is open, so we've decided to pray for them and go on with our lives. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 :grouphug: In a twisted way, that's one thing that I don't have to experience due to cutting my mother out. She's triangulated us all so badly that none of us talks to the other...she's the only source of info at all. Like having the only well in the area be severely poisoned, but ppl keep drinking the water b/c it's what's there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maverick_Mom Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 BTDT. I'm sorry. True to form, my mother made the other family members pick sides (through guilt, lies, etc.). It hurt terribly. I tried to tell them that we could still have a relationship, but nothing doing. After a while, I rationalized it this way -- if they were willing to accept my mother's control and believe her lies, we probably wouldn't have had such a great relationship anyway. Funny thing, though -- over time, some family members began to see how destructive my mother was. That went a long way toward restoring relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I am sorry, that must be beyond difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alyeska Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Not diagnosed. I've read up about NPD and she has many of the traits, but not the main classic traits. So I can't diagnose what the issue is, but our relationship was dysfunctional at best. As long as I complied with her every suggestion, things were fine. I finally grew a spine and said no more when I saw her treating my kids the same way. :grouphug: I've had to cut off contact with one of my husband's relatives recently. He had cut her off months ago and I was holding on until the last second, hoping she would come around. But after years of trying, we had to do what was best for our family. I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. We lost contact with other family members when we cut off communication with the difficult one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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