Visiting Family

[joannqn]

We spent two hours visiting with family today. It was a long two hours for many reasons. But boredom is one of them.

 

I've always known visiting family to be the most boring thing one could do...ever since I was a kid. In my family of origin, it has always meant driving to someone's house where you have nothing to keep you busy and sitting around waiting for it to be over so you can go home. Little attempt is made to keep guests...well...entertained.

 

It's not that I think hosts should necessarily entertain guests but that's the only word I can think of. But there isn't even much effort put forth to interact with guests.

 

In my father's house, my grandmother sits in her chair, listens to books on tape, and knits. She'll turn off her book and talk with you if you come into that room and start a conversation with her. Even though I'm well-known as being a talker, I even have trouble keeping a conversation with her going. Meanwhile, my aunt sits at her computer playing games online. She interjects into a conversation on occasion but that's the extent of her involvement with guests. My dad will talk with us...usually about things we've already heard before. Meanwhile, the kids sit on his bed and try to find something to watch on TV. (The living room TV stays on what my grandmother and aunt want to watch....soaps today) My dad will also let them take turns playing on his computer. But other than that, there's literally nothing to do there.

 

Is this how your family visits go? Or is this just my family? How do you pass the time when visiting family?

[vonfirmath]

When we went visiting as kids, we took activities with us to do while we were gone. After all, we were visiting folk that didn't have kids at home. Sometimes we read the magazines there. We canned food with grandma. we explored one grandma's house, my sister and I having imaginary games. We played in the backyard at the other grandpa's house. THAT set of grandparents participated with us more. We went to Ohio State Fair one day while we were there. And they'd occasionally give us a Shasta drink as a treat! And great food. And sometimes the cousins came over.

 

When we went to my husband's In-laws recently, we took toys with us. They also had prepared a little. With a backyard swim pool and some plans. Sometimes they took DS out on nature walks (what they love to do). Sometimes we napped. Good food every night eaten around the table together.

[Ghee]

Visits to my family? No. When MY family visits (or we visit them) we spend the time talking, catching up, and retelling old family stories. Now, we only see my side of the family once every few years, so.... maybe that makes a difference. But, honestly, even when they lived here in town, visits weren't just sitting around watching tv. We talked, played with their pets, played with their kids, talked and laughed about stuff going on in town, discussed other relatives.

 

My husband's family? :glare: Yeah, pretty much what you describe. Well, that might be *exciting* for them even. LOL They all gang up at holidays but then sit in separate rooms :confused: They used to come to my kids birthday parties, when I tried to have family parties, and they'd be off in another room when they were blowing out their candles or eating cake. I gave up on that and just went to friend parties. Who comes to a kids birthday party and then doesn't even stay in the room with the party. They are ALL about the tv, though, so if it's on they are in front of it. I consider them kind of rude, because they never stop what they are doing to sit and talk to guests. I wasn't raised that way. If I'd sat in front of the TV when my grandmother had a visitor she'd have eaten me alive LOL I was to turn it off and sit quietly by while they visited, or go in another room to play quietly.

[katilac]

Is this how your family visits go?

No, definitely not.

 

Or is this just my family?

But I'm sure it's not just your family!

 

How do you pass the time when visiting family?

We talk, we eat, we drink, we argue over whose memory of a family story is correct, we horrify our mom by telling her stories of what we hid from her growing up. Then we eat and argue some more. Good times.

 

I think that you, as the grown-up, mostly have to suck it up and be bored listening to stuff your dad has already told you before. For the kids, I would certainly bring toys and coloring books and whatnot. I think it's fine and quite expected for kids to have a bag o' stuff when they go visiting. I wouldn't expect that there would be stuff for them to do at an adults only house.

 

If you're up to it, try changing the dynamic by coming prepared with fun snacks, games or crafts, and shocking topics of conversation :D. Don't get fussed if they don't join in on the game or activity; just have at it with your kids (it sounds like you could still keep up with the riveting conversation, amiright?).

 

Tell a story about your kids, and then ask your dad to tell a story about you as a kid, or himself as a kid - that trick works pretty often.

 

At worst, the visits will be more fun and interesting for you guys. At best, you might rev up the interaction and change the family dynamic for all time.

[kalanamak]

Will anyone play cards?

 

Can you meet outside the house?

 

When I KNOW I'm going to be stuck in such a situation, I bring partially prepared food and hide in the kitchen and cook. Keeps me from screaming.

[joannqn]

We do try to bring some stuff for the kids to do...usually electronics. There's very little room for anything else. They live in a rundown apartment complex with parking in front and about 6-7 feet of grass behind (no fences so the littles can't play without direct supervision). There is a grassy area with a play structure across the parking area. The play structure is one of the old wooden ones with a single metal slide with nails sticking out of it. I have taken the kids over there to play, but I don't feel comfortable letting them play there without direct supervision.

 

There isn't any place where a game, even cards, can be played in their apartment. The only seating available is my dad's bed (which is about 4 feet off the ground), one chair at the dining table, and two chairs in the living room. The dining table is covered with a computer and peripherals and clutter. If we stay long enough for a meal, we usually find a chair from somewhere (like dad's computer chair) and push the clutter back so my two youngest can eat there. The rest of us sit in the living room chairs or on my dad's bed to eat.

[joannqn]

As for meeting outside the house...

 

Usually my dad comes here. We typically only go there if we are in the area for another reason. Today, we drove down to meet some online friends who were vacationing there. We've known them online for 5 years, so it was nice to have lunch with them. Then we made the obligatory visit with the family. Other times, we've gone there for an extended field trip and stayed in a hotel but visited for an hour or two a couple of times while we were in the area.

 

I try to visit once or twice a year because my grandmother or aunt will not come here (they rarely leave the house).

[vonfirmath]

Can you find a park nearby and suggest everyone go there for the visit? Then there is more space at least.

[Plucky]

We talk and play cards, etc. I have had the issue of visiting difficult family members. In the past I limited my visits to an hour with just myself or 30 minutes with the kids. I just can't see making everyone suffer. Sad I know.

[TheReader]

We have stocked the grandparents' houses with board games, kid friendly movies, outdoor toys/activities, etc. as appropriate for the space & frequency of our visits.

 

My FIL was the worst in that he'd cook the whole time (for us, but still), feed the kids while still cooking, then want them to watch a movie while he cleaned up and by the time he was ready to sit down and visit, we were ready to go (having been there for hours at that point). Or, before that, he'd have no idea what to do, just movies. We bought him some board games and would have the boys ask to play with him when we came over. He was willing to do so, so win-win. If he hadn't been, the boys could have still played the games themselves. We took things that were simple enough for the youngest, fun enough for the oldest, and that we didn't have at home so they stayed a treat.

 

Alternately, if it's just not feasible to set up a game closet at your relative's house, I have a "busy bag" of sorts with pens, paper, stickers, travel editions of various games/card games, and random other toys. The stuff in the bag is only used when we are out & about -- restaurants, family we don't see often enough to have stocked up their game closet, waiting rooms, etc.

 

For really bad situations, where the home itself is part of the problem, we'll suggest a trip to a nearby park. But, basically, I put the coping skills on my shoulders, not the family/host. I know my kids and what it will take to keep them occupied while the grown-ups visit (or will draw in the grown-up to interact with the kids); the seldom-seen relative does not (or the relative who usually visits in our home where the kids have all their things). So, I take stuff with us to solve this problem before it's an issue.

[Jennifer3141]

Is this how your family visits go? Or is this just my family? How do you pass the time when visiting family?

 

 

Your post made me smile.

 

Back when we were still involved in DH's family, we used to drive for two hours to visit with them. We'd have a quiet country-style type dinner and then everyone would move to the TV room where we would literally be expected to sit there and watch TV. I could not for the life of me understand why we were supposed to drive 4 hours to watch GAME SHOWS. The visits waned and then stopped. We got too busy with our won lives and I truly believe those stupid visits contributed to DH being able to walk away from his family rather easily.

[GoVanGogh]

I am so glad you posted this, as I have meant to post a similar question since May when we last visited family.

 

Our family lives 12+ hr car drive away and we go "home" about once a year. Family visits are awful!

 

It is interesting to see the responses here, as they make it sound so... easy.

Meet at a park? Great idea. Except when you have a disabled obese parent that can hardly get out of the house.

Stock family's house with board games? Would love to, except one parent hoards and there honestly isn't room for a single board game to be stored there - let alone a place to play it.

Take coloring books? After a 12+ hour car ride, the last thing in the world a child wants to do is more sitting.

Grandparents won't turn off television to allow for conversation, so talking about the good ole days is out.

 

My FIL lives with his second wife and we are hardly allowed in her house - her daughter doesn't approve of the marriage and has made it clear that they are not to "mix" the family by having FIL's family over. We are invited over in small bits of time, but we just sit and stare at the television... Step-MIL has so many breakables everywhere! When DS was 2, I moved a china doll off of the floor and - eight years later - Step-MIL still complains that I touched her doll. :glare:

 

Our last visit, we broke down and just handed DS our smart phone and told him to sit and play games. Hated to resort to electronics, but we are at a loss as to what else to do during visits.

[Cinder]

Is this how your family visits go? Or is this just my family? How do you pass the time when visiting family?

 

We don't visit my family--they live too far away. But when we do get to visit we go to the beach!

 

Actually dh's family lives too far away, too. When we visit the days are slow. Leisurely breakfast while reading the paper. Kids can go in the backyard and swing. Sil usually has a couple of ideas for things to do--we usually go on at least one hike/walk. Bil lets us have a bit of play in his ceramics studio. They let the boys play flight simulator on the computer. Other than that we just sit and talk.

 

I remember as a kid I didn't enjoy family get-togethers. I have a ton of cousins but I was too old to play with the younger ones and the older ones were allowed not to come so I usually ended up being the oldest one there. The adults always chatted; a group of them would get a poker game going if it was a large gathering. It was pretty boring and I often brought a book with me for something to do. If, as an adult, I visited family and it was like you say in your post I would probably not visit. If there's no interaction then what's the point?

[ByGrace3]

When we visit MY family: The adults usually play games and talk and the kids swim and then will come in and watch movies with my mom. BUT that is because we usually visit with my sisters and their families at my parents house. When we visit my parents alone, whole different scenario. My mom rarely leaves her bed because of her back problems so she usually has the kids in bed with her and she dvr's movies and shows for them all the time in anticipation of them coming over. My dad watches his own shows and rarely interacts with us. However, if we engage him he is happy to pause what he is watching and converse. :tongue_smilie: It sounds horrible but I think he just doesn't like to be bored and is happy to go about his business unless someone has something better for him to do.

 

Visiting with dh's family? whole other story. We rarely say anything. They bring out a few toys leftover from the 70's and 80's for the dc to play with. Occasionally they will play outside. I sit in a chair and stare. I try to make conversation (I am a serious talker), but his family has a hard time engaging. One word answers to open questions...that sort of thing. :tongue_smilie: It drives me crazy, and I can't stand to do it very often. Thankfully we live near my family and visit with them often, but only see dh's family 1-2X's a year. However, when his whole family is together which is rare, but includes the high school and college age cousins, I have no problem engaging with them and the time is usually relatively pleasant.

[Trish]

My experience is the opposite, we do tons of stuff when we visit family. (But they live near a good-sized city so there is lots to do.) We've done theme parks, the beach (Great Lakes area), the zoo, kids' museum, minor league baseball games, boat tours, etc.

 

But we do a lot of 'little' things too. We go down to the creek and take a hike and talk about nature. Mini golf. A movie. Roast marshmallows in the backyard. Set up the badminton set in the backyard (those sets are cheap, I can usually get one for under $10) Visit with cousins. Go to the town pool. Play cards. Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Board games. Local parks. Local historical sites (there's one with a mini-museum on bicycles, heh) Local arcade place. Go to the Mall.

 

I can't ever recall being bored -- if my parents weren't up to certain things, we just took the kids ourselves. Sorry that hasn't been your experience!

[katilac]

As I read over this thread, I'm starting to see a possible pattern: if some of the relatives described were children of the posters, we would be wondering if they were "on the spectrum."

 

I started school in the early 1970s. Nobody was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome or anything like that, but the same traits and issues certainly existed. So, some of today's parents and grandparents are likely to have untreated spectrum issues.

 

Just a thought that might renew some patience, or possibly spark ideas on dealing with it.

[Starr]

We always traveled with legos and playmobil. A small amount can entertain kids for a long time.

[jennsmile]

At least they allow you in there house.

When I traveled with my MIL to her mother's funeral her sister didn't invite us to visit her house. It was very weird for me.

 

My dh's family is the sit and watch TV type, thankfully I can deal with it. I can play with my kids or plan adventures, as I refuse to travel cross country and watch tv the whole time. It was better that last time I went thankfully.

 

My mom's family gets together and laughs and talks. Haven't seen dad's side in years.

[marbel]

When I was a kid visits to family were fun - lots of cousins around. We barely saw the aunts, uncles, grandparents.

 

Very different for my kids.

 

On my side of the family, it can be pretty fun for them. My parents are both dead, but my sister and her kids are fun, though the youngest is 10 years older than my oldest. My sister and her kids enjoy their "baby cousins."

 

On my husband's side... oh. No cousins. Uninterested grandparents. We sit around and visit which consists of my MIL talking about people - either critically, focusing on fat people (did I mention I am overweight?):

 

"Yesterday in Chick-Fil-A I saw this fat woman putting 4 sugars in her coffee! She doesn't need 4 sugars. No one needs 4 sugars!"

 

Or reminiscing about people my husband might have known as a kid. Or might not:

 

"Do you remember Barbara Smith from high school? Her father was a dentist. Well she married a guy from Atlanta and their boy is going into the Naval Academy. Her mother was so fat..."

 

The TV is always on. College sports are another big topic. None of us cares about college sports.

 

It is mind-numbingly boring for me, but it's so much worse for my kids. There is nothing to do - the inlaws live in a small town with nothing in walking distance. When the kids were little we took lots of toys. And I would disappear with them to read aloud.

 

Next visit they will have the ipods and thank God (I mean that literally) the in-laws have wireless.

 

I take needlework so I can keep my hands busy and say "uh huh" and "oh?!" appropriately.