OT: Update on Grown daughter who was attacked and attempted kidnapping...

[Guest kacifl]

I'm the lady who posted a while back about my daughter being attacked and attempted kidnapping.

 

She is in Geogia and I'm in Florida. She told us not to come, but to wait as she was fine and was staying at her fiance's parent's house. We listened to her and took her advice, although I felt quite torn about it, thus I posted here about it.

 

We are going this weekend. But, in the meantime, my daughter's fiance and his parents think that we're terrible parents for not rushing to her side. :001_huh: My daughter has tried to convince them that this is what she wanted. But they are not buying it. I cried all day yesterday over this. I feel that it is so unfair and I also feel so guilty for not trusting my maternal instincts and going to her when it happened two weeks ago.

 

Her father and I are divorced and have long since remarried and we're all good friends. He, too, is hurt by this but isn't a mess about it, like me.

 

My husband was, and still is, out of town and in the middle of a huge job change, but was willing to risk it all to get us up to Georgia. Now I'm broken hearted. I wanted to rush there in the first place.

 

It hurts to think that her future husband and his parents think we're terrible parents. I don't know if they said that directly to her, but her finance told her and that he also agrees. I'm so hurt, why can't he just accept how this all played out. Doesn't he think it peculiar that neither set of parents went to her immediately.... that there was a reason we didn't???? Now, :sad:I'm wondering if she feels that way too. Why did she tell us to wait until we could get things in order before driving up there? I was so upset last night that I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I don't want to appear selfish, I am sorry I didn't go right away in the first place.

[Faithr]

Hmmm. This all sounds like a lot of emotional manipulation to me. You did what your dd asked you to do. End of story. Her fiance sounds like not so nice a person. Why the heck is voicing his opinion for if it is in direct violation of what she wanted? Isn't she having enough trouble recovering from the trauma without him contributing more psychological pain? Why do the in laws feel free to dis her parents? Very bad form. Gee, I guess the original event wasn't devastating enough; they gotta make more of it! They all sound rather toxic to me.

 

You did exactly right. It was a terrible thing that happened and you had to make a decision and you did based on what you thought was correct at the time. Don't let these folks abuse you this way.

 

Maybe I'd write a little note to your dd simply stating that you love her and saying how much you longed to be with her but you didn't want to violate her request that you stay home.

[Aubrey]

:grouphug:

 

I remember reading about your situation & having no advice. I'm so sorry that it's gotten more complicated. I hope you & your daughter are ok & things get... understood.

 

Sometimes I think people have strong emotional reactions to situations that effect our verbal/physical reactions in illogical ways. Maybe when they *see* you & her together, they'll feel a little better & not judge so much. In fact, it's possible that this is a good sign--they really love & care about your daughter. (It's good as long as they come around to seeing that you do, too!)

 

:grouphug: One more, for the road. Let us know how you're doing.

[Kris]

This kind of thing just gets my blood boiling. You respected your daughter's wishes and now someone else is second guessing you on it. ARGH!

 

It just isn't possible to rush to the rescue in every situation, especially when there's considerable travel involved. No matter *what* the reason you didn't go, they should keep their ill-advised opinions to themselves. People can change the way they think with a lot of work, but in the meantime they can certainly keep their mouths shut!

 

<sarcasm mode>

 

Just think how lucky you are that soon you'll be adding a branch to your family that is perfect in every way and always makes the right choices. Hopefully, you'll be learning a great deal from these wonderful people and will be able to keep from making this type of mistake in the future!

 

</sarcasm mode>

 

(Did I mention that stuff like this sets me off?!)

 

I'm so sorry you're so upset about this -- and rightfully so. But it's a relief to hear that she is doing okay and that you will be able to go see her this weekend.

[Sue G in PA]

I hate in-law issues. Sounds to me like a case of the "we're better parents than you". I'm so sorry they have made you so upset. You are not a terrible mother...simple a mother wanting to please her daughter and do what was best. I wouldn't think your dd is "with them" in their thinking. If your dd said she was okay and not to come...then she was okay. For her fiance and his parents to say this is absolutely reprehensible. How dare they. Judge not lest ye be judged. :grouphug: to you and please try not to let them get to you. I'd be hard pressed not to give them a piece of my mind once I got there. They don't have any idea what they'd do in a similar situation until they are in it. None of us do. I could say "oh, I would have rushed to her side even though she said not to". But, truth is...I don't have a CLUE what I would do in that situation! Neither do they. Again, I'm so sorry they are putting you through this. You are not a terrible mother.

[Parrothead]

Hmmm. This all sounds like a lot of emotional manipulation to me. You did what your dd asked you to do. End of story. Her fiance sounds like not so nice a person. Why the heck is voicing his opinion for if it is in direct violation of what she wanted? Isn't she having enough trouble recovering from the trauma without him contributing more psychological pain? Why do the in laws feel free to dis her parents? Very bad form. Gee, I guess the original event wasn't devastating enough; they gotta make more of it! They all sound rather toxic to me.

 

You did exactly right. It was a terrible thing that happened and you had to make a decision and you did based on what you thought was correct at the time. Don't let these folks abuse you this way.

 

Maybe I'd write a little note to your dd simply stating that you love her and saying how much you longed to be with her but you didn't want to violate her request that you stay home.

:iagree: and with what Sue said.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Jill- OK]

...before anything is said or done when you're down there...how did you find this out? From your daughter? From her fiance? And what exactly was said? Were they saying this forcefully, or are they just interpreting things through the lens of their family, and how they do things?

 

A situation like what happened to your dd is horribly stressful, and if they love her like their own, already...they may be reacting badly right now, but it's likely out of good intentions, KWIM? (I'm trying to be positive; I realize it could simply be snottiness).

 

If you're hearing this piecemeal, and putting an interpretation on it, I'd gently suggest that you might be allowing your feelings of guilt (which are not justified, btw; you did what your dd asked you to do) to amplify what they may or may not have said.

 

However, if what you're telling us is that they have used this language, to you...I'd still hesitate to write off this relationship.

 

Reassure your dd that you wanted to come, tell her that you felt unsure and that you're sorry if not coming was the wrong thing. And then leave it alone when she tells you that it was what she wanted, and it's okay. Then, when/if you see him and his parents, tell them the same thing; "I really wanted to come, but dd told me not to, and so I didn't. I still feel bad, though. Thank you so much for all you've done."

 

And leave it at that. Say it once (maybe twice), then stop.

 

Don't let yourself be drawn into justifying it over and over again, to anyone, all weekend long. Don't accept any guilt-mongering, and don't take any abuse.

 

But don't let it keep you from trying to connect with your future son-in-law and his parents, either. Let it go. Don't dwell on the fact that they may think you're a bad parent. If they haven't said that, outright, then they may not think that at all, even if they wouldn't have responded to the situation the way you would have.

 

Even if they do really think that...getting along is probably the best thing you can do for your dd at the moment, you know?

 

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it, though. :-(

 

Edited to add: I just wanted to reiterate that I am terribly sorry you're having to deal with this, on top of the scare about your dd. I do feel strongly about trying to keep a good relationship with her fiance and his family, even if it means you being the bigger person, but my title looked sort of harsh when I read it again, and I just want to make sure you know my sympathies are firmly with YOU, lol. ((Hugs))

[Guest kacifl]

My daughter told me. I don't know why she did, she has to know that this can hurt in more ways than one. But as her step-father explained to me, "she is not herself yet". But I can't help but wonder... why did she tell me? Is she hurt that I didn't come?

 

Thanks for all the group hugs, everyone. K

[Jill- OK]

My daughter told me... why did she tell me? Is she hurt that I didn't come?

 

...I don't think that she meant anything by it.

 

It's likely just the girl thing about processing stuff by telling it, and talking about it, KWIM?

 

Your husband is right...she's not thinking about how it might hurt you, and I think that's understandable, considering what she's went through. Please don't be hurt...I can't say for sure, but I'd be willing to bet that she's just confused by what's happened, and sharing with Mom.

 

If you reassure her...that's all you can do. And obeying her wishes was doing the best you knew to do, too.

 

My mom used to say, when I (or someone else) would question decisions that she'd made..."I just did the best I knew to do." Sometimes, that's it! Second-guessing will only drive folks crazy, and if you're doing the best you know to do, then you're doing a heck of a lot more than many folks in this world. Surely his parents are going to understand that, and if they don't...please don't let it bug you. (Easier said than done, I know).

 

Just minister to your little girl, and trust that she will keep asking you for what she needs, honestly.

[Christy B]

I agree with the poster who suggested that you try to maintain a good relationship w/ the fiance and future in-laws. Regardless of who/what/why/when, this is the situation as it exists, and you can only do your best with what you're handed.

 

What about a "compliment" to the in-laws: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Perfect, you don't know how much we appreciate your ministry to our daughter during this time. Why, you have been so supportive and helpful, that although our first inclination was to drop everything and rush to GA, your presence was such a help and comfort that our daughter assured us that she would rather we come at a later time. Naturally, our choice would have been to come immediately, but we appreciate our daughter's maturity in recognizing that we had to work out the logistics of such a trip. We are thankful to know that you care for her and made her feel secure until such a time as we could arrive, and give her our undivided attention.

 

For the record, I think it's incredibly tacky for them to second-guess your decision. :glare:

[Staci in MO]

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine what you must be going through.

 

But I'm with Jill. You're hearing this second-hand, and you admit your daughter is not yet herself. Because you already feel so torn, you may be reading more into it.

 

But I think this is important:

But don't let it keep you from trying to connect with your future son-in-law and his parents, either. Let it go. Don't dwell on the fact that they may think you're a bad parent. If they haven't said that, outright, then they may not think that at all, even if they wouldn't have responded to the situation the way you would have.

 

Even if they do really think that...getting along is probably the best thing you can do for your dd at the moment, you know?

 

A terrible thing happened to your daughter, and if her fiance and his parents really said what you think they said, insult has been added to injury. But a few years down the road, this will be a horrible but distant memory. You will be sharing grandchildren with these people and seeing them at important events. And while a lot of people in the world don't particularly get along with their child's in-laws and everybody fares just fine, occasionally ill feelings fester in a way that impacts the marriage and the relationship with the grandchildren.

 

Like Jill, I think it's terrible that this happened. I, too, am on your side. I hope you don't think I'm piling MORE on you in this difficult time. Explain your side, once or twice, and let it go. Above all, let go of the guilt. You did what your dd told you to do, and it was the very best decision you could have made under the circumstances.

[Twinmom]

My guess is that everyone is hurting and trying to protect her in any way that they can. For you, that took the form of taking her words at face value and respecting what she asked you to do. For them, it took the form of fighting against a perceived hurt that they could have some effect on...your absence. They are powerless to protect her from the actual attack, but they are not so powerless in the aftermath. It sounds like displaced anger/fear/protectiveness to me.

 

When you get down there, I'd suggest that you explain things to them non-defensively but with an explanation of what you were told and how hurt you felt. I'd explain that you felt you were empowering your daughter by respecting her wishes...the absolute best thing to do after an assault! Explain that you understand why they disagree, but that you did what you thought was best at the time and leave it at that.

 

I'd be willing to bet that in the coming months and years after emotions die down, things will heal between you and the soon to be inlaws. We are talking heat of the moment right now, and all would do well to remember that! Focus feelings of anger at the attacker, not each other. You all now need each other more than ever, and DD needs you all to be at peace with each other and focused on her.

 

You did just fine. There is no script for this...you just have to muddle through as best you can. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Well, bear in mind that I'm confrontational, but I'd put this baby on the table and air it out good. As in when I got down there, I'd tell them I'd heard they felt you hadn't handled the situation properly, you were doing what your dd requested, and why did they think you should be second guessed on this.

 

And my reasoning for this would be to let them know right away that dirty dealing whispering manipulating backbiting tactics would not be ignored by you, and won't be profitable in the long run.

 

And I'd say it all politely with a big smile on my face.

 

Also keep in mind that I have advised folks NOT to take my advice at times.

[RoughCollie]

:iagree:

 

Well, bear in mind that I'm confrontational, but I'd put this baby on the table and air it out good. As in when I got down there, I'd tell them I'd heard they felt you hadn't handled the situation properly, you were doing what your dd requested, and why did they think you should be second guessed on this.

 

And my reasoning for this would be to let them know right away that dirty dealing whispering manipulating backbiting tactics would not be ignored by you, and won't be profitable in the long run.

 

And I'd say it all politely with a big smile on my face.

.

[Danestress]

Your daughter is old enough to know better than to repeat what people say about other people to the party of interest.

 

I know she's under a lot of stress.

 

But I think you need to say, "honey, I will try to never say anything mean about your husband or your in-laws. I will try to never criticize them. But if I do slip up, please don't repeat it to them - it just causes more problems. And I would prefer you not tell me the critical things they say about me. If you think it, I want to know. I want us to always be able to have honest discussions. But hearing that your in-laws or DH said something uncharitable doesn't do anything but hurt everyone involved. You are going to be a married woman soon, and you are going to have do some tongue biting both with your in-laws and with your husband. And probably with me too. So let's start with this rule. If you think I have done something wrong, I want to know. If your in-laws want to bad-mouth me, I would rather you not tell me."

[Philothea]

From what I have observed, that oftentimes in an engagement or marriage, one side of the family tries to gain the upper hand over the married/engaged couple. That usually means belittling the other side in order to gain more respect, influence and love. This gives them more control over the couple, and often causes a couple to be closer to ne set of parents.

 

It's wrong of course, but I think that it does happen. The other side of the family should always avoid saying anything negative about their children's in-laws.

[Kris]

Well, bear in mind that I'm confrontational, but I'd put this baby on the table and air it out good. As in when I got down there, I'd tell them I'd heard they felt you hadn't handled the situation properly, you were doing what your dd requested, and why did they think you should be second guessed on this.

 

And my reasoning for this would be to let them know right away that dirty dealing whispering manipulating backbiting tactics would not be ignored by you, and won't be profitable in the long run.

 

And I'd say it all politely with a big smile on my face.

 

Also keep in mind that I have advised folks NOT to take my advice at times.

 

I don't know that I would consider that "confrontational" as much as REFRESHING! Get the air cleared and move on.

[Mom to Aly]

I agree with the poster who suggested that you try to maintain a good relationship w/ the fiance and future in-laws. Regardless of who/what/why/when, this is the situation as it exists, and you can only do your best with what you're handed.

 

What about a "compliment" to the in-laws: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Perfect, you don't know how much we appreciate your ministry to our daughter during this time. Why, you have been so supportive and helpful, that although our first inclination was to drop everything and rush to GA, your presence was such a help and comfort that our daughter assured us that she would rather we come at a later time. Naturally, our choice would have been to come immediately, but we appreciate our daughter's maturity in recognizing that we had to work out the logistics of such a trip. We are thankful to know that you care for her and made her feel secure until such a time as we could arrive, and give her our undivided attention.

 

For the record, I think it's incredibly tacky for them to second-guess your decision. :glare:

 

:iagree:

 

Said much better than I would have said, for I was all for getting up there, getting a moment alone, and setting them straight in a not so diplomatic manner. I think I would add, though, that you did follow your daughter's wishes, feeling you needed to do what she wanted at that moment, no matter what your and your ex's paternal instincts were.

 

And, as far as going up there originally, the first thing I thought was I would have rushed up there, but, as others have said, I wasn't there, it wasn't my experience, I don't know your daughter, and I don't actually know what I would have done. I do think doing as your daughter wished wsa really the best thing. Please don't let strangers to you, and people who don't know you, and don't know your daughter as well as you do, not even her fiance, make you feel you did anything wrong in this situation.

 

You did what you felt was best, you recognized her as an adult, and you followed her wishes, even against your own, even though it was sooo hard for you!! The easy thing would have been to rush up there, but that isn't what she asked you to do. That is true parental dedication!!

[cin]

Well, bear in mind that I'm confrontational, but I'd put this baby on the table and air it out good. As in when I got down there, I'd tell them I'd heard they felt you hadn't handled the situation properly, you were doing what your dd requested, and why did they think you should be second guessed on this.

 

And my reasoning for this would be to let them know right away that dirty dealing whispering manipulating backbiting tactics would not be ignored by you, and won't be profitable in the long run.

 

And I'd say it all politely with a big smile on my face.

 

Also keep in mind that I have advised folks NOT to take my advice at times.

 

You know, this is good advice. If they end up being in-laws, it would be best to set things straight in the beginning, as opposed to waiting 10 yrs down the line (or 20, or 30) and then BLOWING up.

 

Maybe tell them, "I know you think I'm a horrible person for not coming down right away, but dd said she didn't want us to come at the time. She needed her space."

[Laurie4b]

But I think you need to say, "honey, I will try to never say anything mean about your husband or your in-laws. I will try to never criticize them. But if I do slip up, please don't repeat it to them - it just causes more problems. And I would prefer you not tell me the critical things they say about me. If you think it, I want to know. I want us to always be able to have honest discussions. But hearing that your in-laws or DH said something uncharitable doesn't do anything but hurt everyone involved. You are going to be a married woman soon, and you are going to have do some tongue biting both with your in-laws and with your husband. And probably with me too. So let's start with this rule. If you think I have done something wrong, I want to know. If your in-laws want to bad-mouth me, I would rather you not tell me."

 

 

I think this is very good advice.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I'm the lady who posted a while back about my daughter being attacked and attempted kidnapping.

 

She is in Geogia and I'm in Florida. She told us not to come, but to wait as she was fine and was staying at her fiance's parent's house. We listened to her and took her advice, although I felt quite torn about it, thus I posted here about it.

 

 

 

Wasn't one of the big reasons you decided not to go that you wanted to give her some power to tell you when and what to do after an ordeal in which she was given absolutely no say and no power? Wasn't your thinking that your going possibly have enforced her powerlessness in a time that she desperately needed to have her word, her "no," taken seriously?

 

I personally feel you did absolutely right by not going. And when you have the opportunity to present what you did in this light, people will understand. You're not a terrible mom. You're a good, respectful mom.

 

:grouphug: