Bringing older thread about step-parenting to the forefront

[Nestof3]

I just couldn't leave my comment buried at the bottom of an old thread. Here's what I have to say about it.

 

I never call Aaron my step-son. I came into his life when he was 7, married his dad when he was 8. His biological mom moved away before we married. He's been calling me mom all along.

 

Sure, it's not the same as birthing a child and holding him after he was curled in your tummy for 9 months, but the love grows.

 

I have three sons. I can honestly say I feel they are all mine. Right now, our eldest is renting the house across the street from us. Our younger sons are playing the Wii over there with him. He ordered pizza for the three of them. In August, he accepts a commission into the United States Marines, and I bawl every time I think of that. He has asked for four people in his life to pin the bars onto him on that day -- his dad, me, my dad, and a professor who helped him immensely (funny thing is, he was my high school Spanish teacher).

 

If a person were to insinuate that he is not my son -- that I am not his mom -- after all we have been through, I honestly think I'd lose it. :lol: I home educated him from the fourth grade through graduation. We have been through so much together -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. He has come to me through relationships seeking advice. We have cried together. Honestly, I cannot put into words how much I love him.

 

I'll leave you with two photos -- one, obviously, at our wedding day. The other, at his friend's wedding the other day. He asked me to dance with him. I think he even did so prior to asking his girlfriend. I added in one of his OCS graduation as well.

 

One last thing. Raising Ben, I see Aaron all over again. Well, Aaron wasn't so grumpy. But, Ben is just so much like Aaron. We are a family just like any other.

[Impish]

Beautiful pics!

 

I know when I answered the thread, my stance was that there was a difference when the other parent was an involved part of the child's life, and when they were absent.

 

Diva didn't have a Dad before Wolf came along. No, he's not her genetic parent, but he's her Dad, completely, totally, and utterly...and he HAS gone off on ppl (MIL) that made comments about him being a 'real' Dad when Tazzie was born.

 

I really do think that there is a difference when the other parent is absent vs involved.

[twinmami01]

This is beautiful. I didn't read the original thread, but I also raised my step-son. I refer to him as my son. He was 5 when I married his dad, who was a single dad and his mom had gave up custodial rights when he was 3. He is now 20. It wasn't always pretty but I would not trade our current relationship for anything in the world. I love him dearly and although I gave birth to 2 children, I always say I have 3 children because in my eyes, Brent is my son.

[2cents]

Oh I love the pics and your story! :)

[HappyGrace]

I really do think that there is a difference when the other parent is absent vs involved.

[/b]

 

:iagree:

 

DEFINITELY.

 

And even more so when the ex-spouse is undermining the relationship, guilting the child for the relationship, non-custodial parent has guilt issues over divorce, Disneyland daddy syndrome, etc.

 

It's wonderful that you have not had to deal with any of this and were able to cultivate such a beautiful relationship!! :)

[Nestof3]

I really do think that there is a difference when the other parent is absent vs involved.

 

I cannot argue with you there. I really only have my own situation to compare it to. I don't think children from divorced parents ever have an ideal situation. I don't know how many kids do in general.

 

I am sad by the fact that his biological mom missed out on so much. I am sad that I had no idea what I was doing in the beginning and made many mistakes by reading and following stupid parenting books. There isn't a month that goes by that I don't regret all my mistakes and wish I could do it all over again knowing what I know now.

 

I didn't read all the replies on the thread, but it just touched something in me. Perhaps it's because I've experienced him leaving home and knowing that he will be leaving more permanently soon.

[Nestof3]

This is beautiful. I didn't read the original thread, but I also raised my step-son. I refer to him as my son. He was 5 when I married his dad, who was a single dad and his mom had gave up custodial rights when he was 3. He is now 20. It wasn't always pretty but I would not trade our current relationship for anything in the world. I love him dearly and although I gave birth to 2 children, I always say I have 3 children because in my eyes, Brent is my son.

 

Wow! So similar!

[Nestof3]

Oh I love the pics and your story! :)

 

Thank you. :D

[Joani]

Beautiful pictures of a beautiful relationship. :)

 

I'm just at the beginning of my step-parenting journey, but I hope to have as great a relationship with my three bonus kids.

[DianeW88]

I have no experience with step parenting/step children either in my own family or in my dh's, but I'm pretty sure you're doing it exactly right, Dawn!

 

Lovely, lovely photos! Thanks for sharing. :)

[Serenade]

What a heartwarming story. It brought tears to my eyes.

[Remudamom]

Those are all very touching pictures. Every mom should be so close to her son.

[Ghee]

You know, that's great that you have such a close relationship with your stepson, but please don't assume that is possible for everyone. I agree that having an absent biological parent can/may make it easier. In my case, my stepsons mother is a fool and has done things that have endangered my biological children, or have caused a rift between me and my stepchild when I pushed my husband to discipline VERY disturbing behavior and she wants to play friends with him instead of parent. In my case they want my time and money but heaven forbid I have an opinion. I gave up on a family feeling years ago and now just strive to survive visits. It is THAT bad. Sorry, it just irks me when someone has a "good kid" step kid or a rational biological parent or an absentee biological parent and assumes that those of us without closeness have done it to ourselves. I knocked myself out for ten years before I threw in the towel.

[Rosie_0801]

Sorry, it just irks me when someone has a "good kid" step kid or a rational biological parent or an absentee biological parent and assumes that those of us without closeness have done it to ourselves. I knocked myself out for ten years before I threw in the towel.

 

You think Dawn was doing that? :confused: She just wanted to put it out here that "happily ever after" has larger than 0% probability, that doomed to crappiness is not inevitably going to happen to everyone. Your situation is infinitely regrettable, but please don't dump accusations on people who haven't earned them. You've just said you don't like it. There was not one word in the OP that was making assumptions or dissing you or anyone else so there is no call for spoiling her little nestofthree snugglefest. As if you'd catch Dawn making such comments anywhere...

 

Rosie

Edited June 27, 2012 by Rosie_0801

[Nestof3]

I'm sorry that you read all that in my post. I would never assume anything about relationships. I certainly never implied that if a relationship were poor, it was the fault of the step-parent.

 

We certainly had our share of difficulty with differing opinions on discipline, preserving friendship over parenthood, and so on. It was difficult at first for my husband to have me come in and see things that neither he nor his ex-wife had seen or wanted to deal with. The thing is, I think it was hard for all of us because there is no parenting manual that makes it all so simple. I just wanted to recognize in my post my personal failures -- not those of others.

 

To be honest, I don't know exactly why it worked out well. Based on my many failures, I have to say I'm surprised it did. I think a lot has to do with the sort of person Aaron is at the core. I think a lot has to do with the fact that he has always had a lot of people who love him. He would say a lot has to do with me. Heck, perhaps a lot has to do with luck. I wasn't really thinking when writing my post about who to pat on the back for it. Really, I just found the thread (I was absent for a while) and was too moved not to say anything. It truly was not a reflection on any other person on these boards or anywhere else.

 

You know, that's great that you have such a close relationship with your stepson, but please don't assume that is possible for everyone. I agree that having an absent biological parent can/may make it easier. In my case, my stepsons mother is a fool and has done things that have endangered my biological children, or have caused a rift between me and my stepchild when I pushed my husband to discipline VERY disturbing behavior and she wants to play friends with him instead of parent. In my case they want my time and money but heaven forbid I have an opinion. I gave up on a family feeling years ago and now just strive to survive visits. It is THAT bad. Sorry, it just irks me when someone has a "good kid" step kid or a rational biological parent or an absentee biological parent and assumes that those of us without closeness have done it to ourselves. I knocked myself out for ten years before I threw in the towel.

[Impish]

I cannot argue with you there. I really only have my own situation to compare it to. I don't think children from divorced parents ever have an ideal situation. I don't know how many kids do in general.

 

I am sad by the fact that his biological mom missed out on so much. I am sad that I had no idea what I was doing in the beginning and made many mistakes by reading and following stupid parenting books. There isn't a month that goes by that I don't regret all my mistakes and wish I could do it all over again knowing what I know now.

 

I didn't read all the replies on the thread, but it just touched something in me. Perhaps it's because I've experienced him leaving home and knowing that he will be leaving more permanently soon.

Hon, take it from someone that *isn't* a stepparent, but is married to someone that is (although, tbh, Wolf has *never* thought of himself that way, nor does anyone else in this house) Parents second guess themselves, see their mistakes, cry bitter tears over would've/could've/should've. Doesn't matter if you're a step/bio parent, anyone that loves a child and strives to be the best parent they can has those mistakes rattling around in their heart.

[HappyGrace]

This can be a very touchy subject for those of us who have had our lives practically ruined by the situation.

 

I think that's what Ghee was trying to say. :)

 

It can be completely different when the bio parent is involved than what you've experienced. Again, I'm always so happy when I hear of blended families working out-it's a blessing for all involved.

[Ghee]

You think Dawn was doing that? :confused: She just wanted to put it out here that "happily ever after" has larger than 0% probability, that doomed to crappiness is not inevitably going to happen to everyone. Your situation is infinitely regrettable, but please don't dump accusations on people who haven't earned them. You've just said you don't like it. There was not one word in the OP that was making assumptions or dissing you or anyone else so there is no call for spoiling her little nestofthree snugglefest. As if you'd catch Dawn making such comments anywhere...

 

Rosie

 

No, no. I didn't mean that the op was doing that. Only that I've seen threads where someone admitted that they couldn't get along with a stepchild and others post how awful they are because "I'm as close to them as my biological children. I would never make a difference." that can be so hurtful to those of us who DID try really, really hard and were put down and vilified at every turn. I'm not mad at the op, I'm happy for her, but I wanted to point out hat had she had a crazy ex to deal with, or had her stepchild aleays had a hand out but never a thank you, things might not have been quite so cozy. I've looked back at my own situation and realized that marrying someone with a child is hard, marrying someone with a child and an ex in the picture was probably the worst thing to do.

I'm sorry that you read all that in my post. I would never assume anything about relationships. I certainly never implied that if a relationship were poor, it was the fault of the step-parent.

 

We certainly had our share of difficulty with differing opinions on discipline, preserving friendship over parenthood, and so on. It was difficult at first for my husband to have me come in and see things that neither he nor his ex-wife had seen or wanted to deal with. The thing is, I think it was hard for all of us because there is no parenting manual that makes it all so simple. I just wanted to recognize in my post my personal failures -- not those of others.

 

To be honest, I don't know exactly why it worked out well. Based on my many failures, I have to say I'm surprised it did. I think a lot has to do with the sort of person Aaron is at the core. I think a lot has to do with the fact that he has always had a lot of people who love him. He would say a lot has to do with me. Heck, perhaps a lot has to do with luck. I wasn't really thinking when writing my post about who to pat on the back for it. Really, I just found the thread (I was absent for a while) and was too moved not to say anything. It truly was not a reflection on any other person on these boards or anywhere else.

 

And I truly AM happy for you. It's just come at such a bad time. My marriage is ring tested yet again and at the center I it is a nearly grown man who acts like a two year old. His mother wants a blind eye turned to every infraction and my husband seems loathe to cross her or his child for fear the child won't like him. I came from a divorced home, my mother had sole custody, I saw my father rarely, BUT if I had been in need of discipline my dad would have done so and not worried whether I liked him. I get very frustrated because parenting isn't about being popular with your child, it's about raising them to be decent humans. Sometimes you make them mad, that's life. It's when neither parent wants to risk making waves that a stepparent can nearly lose his/her mind. I'm sorry if it seemed I attacked you. I genuinely meant it was great for you, it's just been such a trial for me, especially the last two weeks, and I felt bad because I know there are others here who have a very different experience and it may not be ANYTHING they've done. Typically I see people saying that it's all the stepparents fault because they came into the picture later.

 

This can be a very touchy subject for those of us who have had our lives practically ruined by the situation.

 

I think that's what Ghee was trying to say. :)

 

It can be completely different when the bio parent is involved than what you've experienced. Again, I'm always so happy when I hear of blended families working out-it's a blessing for all involved.

 

Yes, this was what I meant. I probably should have kept it to myself, but as a woman who has had divorce threatened a second time for trying to protect OUR biological children from his older child and said child's crazy family, I'm overly sensitive at this point. It sounds so easy to love a child, but what about when the child tells malicious lies in an attempt to fracture your marriage, what about when their other parent refuses to grow up and parent ANDd letsnt e known that she will have no one ELSE making her child do anything he doesn't want to, what about when your husband feels like a traitor if he puts his foot down with an out of control child and would rather lose his wife and three other kids than anger this one child? It kind of turns you off to te whole thing. I never, ever saw this coming, but my stepchild was young and cute when we married. I knew his mom was a hands off parent but I never dreamed things could go SO badly off the rails.

[Ghee]

Perhaps I should also apologize for posting directly to the OP. Her post saddened me, because that will never be my reality. However, it was the response "I'm pretty sure you're doing it exactly right" that hurt the most. I know it shouldn't. The other person has no knowledge of me, or my situation, so they weren't making some comment as a way to backhand me. I'm just really at the totally raw, open wound point with this right now and my first thought was "Really? So I've been doing it WRONG?" I know, I know .... message board, anonymous board, tone ....

 

It just hurts because I was very much like the OP. I was the one who took him to get clothes and shoes, took him for EVERY haircut, made and took him to dr's appointments, speech therapy... many times having to go and pick him up from the mother's home because she was just too darn lazy to do this for him in her own home... and then to have him say the things he's said about me, lying to my husband to try to drive a wedge between us because I had told him to adjust his attitude and he wanted me GONE for having the nerve to cross him, and his mother was a big part of that. Now, yes, my husband has a huge roll in this as well. He knew me, he should have questioned whether I could really say or do the things they said I did, he should be making his child accountable for his decisions to teach him that "in the real world" when you make a bad choice, particularly one that hurts other people, they may not want to be around you anymore. I get that, but for whatever reason he seems to think he owes this child some huge debt because he later married a woman who is a hands on parent and takes care of the three children he had with her.

 

Anyway, all that to say - sorry for my response, it wasn't aimed at the OP or anyone in particular. It was just one of those things that I had pushed down, and pushed down, and dealt with in everyday life until, seeing it here kind of pushed me over the edge.

 

And the last part is because I know someone will point out that my anger and disappointment should be directed to my husband, and believe me, much of it is ;) I'm trying to work through that with him. That was just a vent, because I think he's got his head in the sand and I want to have a screaming fit. :tongue_smilie:

[*********]

Dawn, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. Your son Aaron sounds like an amazing man. And we all already know you're an amazing lady. :)

 

As others have pointed out, every stepparent situation is different. If both bioparents are still involved; if they both are rational, kind people or not; if both bio parents are accepting of new stepparents. This all makes a difference. As well as the age of the child, the personalities of all involved, etc.

 

While my stepchildren and I will never view me as their mother, we have great relationships. I love them to bits and would do anything for them, and they know that. But they have a mom. A very involved mom, who raises them most of the time. And I'm their stepmom. There's nothing bad, evil, or what have you about being or having a stepmom. In fact, my stepkids view having a stepmom as a blessing. And because of that, I'm a very blessed woman. I really couldn't ask for anything more. It would not make me happier to have their mother absent from their lives, so that I could assume the role of 'mother' for them. I grew up with an absent mother; I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

It hasn't always been roses and sunshine. I've messed up more than I care to think about. But I've been married to their dad for almost 11 years now, and things are really good with me and them.

 

I pray that I treat all my children fairly. Not the *same*, but fair. I only want to guide them, teach them about the Lord, set the best example I can of a Godly woman for them, and love them. I get better at all of that daily, only by the grace of God.

[Nestof3]

Ghee,

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. Honestly, I can relate to a lot of it. We have had intense struggles over the years. I dealt with my husband making excuses for A. on many counts. I can see it a little more clearly now; I'm sure dh felt attacked on some level with a new person coming in like that. We do have a sort of protective nature concerning our kids. We've struggled with what I consider typical thanklessness on the part of our son. It seems we are still waiting for the epiphany he will have concerning all we have done. :lol: Children are takers long before they become real givers.

 

I've told dh that I think I feel it more personally than he does when we are not appreciated because I did sort of choose him. I knew beforehand what I was getting into. I gave up a lot by becoming a mom so quick. We never had a honeymoon phase. I began homeschooling with a newborn, and I still had no clue how to parent. Parenting a baby is totally different than an 8 year old. You learn as you go along. My pregnancy, my time with my first born, they were all more stressful than they could have been.

 

One day I was showing dh a scene from a movie where a c-section was being acted out. It was so emotional for me. I said something about what did he remember from the occasion. He proceeded to tell me about when A. was born (he was a c-section). He couldn't even remember my first-born -- the surgery, etc. A huge moment for me was less in some way because it wasn't a first for him.

 

I have also endured real pain in this relationship. My biggest frustration is that A. got so much more attention from dh because he was younger then, not as worn out from work and so on. Doing it all over again has taken a greater toll on dh than on me. There is a 13 year age difference. He's a good, involved dad, but he doesn't have the same stamina. I have struggled deeply with resentment, and I've told many people that one of the hardest things in life has to be blending families. I've even told my husband I think he should have stayed single and not started over again. It comes and goes. He has a physically taxing job, and I do know that only being 40, 40 is different than 30. :lol:

 

I see all sorts of posts that make me sad or make me feel like I'm missing out. You know those posts about "my husband is my best friend" and "My husband is away for a week, how will I survive without him?" Those make me ache. Things are fine, but I so often long for much more than fine.

 

So, perhaps I should have said all that too.

[Denisemomof4]

What a beautiful, encouraging story! I hope stepmoms read it and are inspired!!!