What should I do?

[justamouse]

My MIL said something highly insulting to me. I'm not going to say what.

 

I never said anything in return to her, and I can't seem to let it go. I know I will, but I need time. Meanwhile, though she left that time and I was cordial, I can't bring myself to pick up the phone when she calls. And she's been calling because we have something kinda big going on in my family this week.

 

Do I say something, or do I have my husband say something? I will put on my big girl panties if I have to, but I really want to punt this one to him. And I really don't want to deal with her this week.

[mommaduck]

Let your husband deal with her.

[nova147]

You don't have to have DH say anything about the insult. You could just have him handle the calls this week.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Tough call. I always find that my MIL will behave for longer periods of time if I just deal with it myself.

[Impish]

Talk to your dh about it.

 

Honestly, it's really dependant on the personality of the MIL. For some, it makes more impact if it comes from the person insulted. For others, it's brushed off as someone overreacting/being too sensitive.

 

I'd go w/whatever is likely to have the most impact.

[starwarsmomma]

Tough call. I always find that my MIL will behave for longer periods of time if I just deal with it myself.

 

Yep, I agree.

 

The hard part is handling it with class.

 

 

I'm not very good at that. LOL

[catz]

Let your husband deal with her.

 

:iagree: I'd let your husband know what happened and let him deal with her. Or at least use him as a sounding board for the situation.

[elfgivas]

is there anything she could do or say now that would help?

ie. what would the goal be if you or dh addressed the issue with her?

 

(i'm not at all saying you shouldn't address it; just that its good to have figured out beforehand why it bothered you so much, and what you need in order to move forward).

 

:grouphug: big girl panties are highly overrated, but very useful, too....

ann

[justamouse]

You don't have to have DH say anything about the insult. You could just have him handle the calls this week.

 

He's not here to handle them, unfortunately.

 

Talk to your dh about it.

 

Honestly, it's really dependant on the personality of the MIL. For some, it makes more impact if it comes from the person insulted. For others, it's brushed off as someone overreacting/being too sensitive.

 

I'd go w/whatever is likely to have the most impact.

 

 

I did talk to him and he did say he'd talk to her if I wanted him too, but I am willing to put on big girl panties. He was pretty flabbergasted she said it, too.

[justamouse]

is there anything she could do or say now that would help?

ie. what would the goal be if you or dh addressed the issue with her?

 

(i'm not at all saying you shouldn't address it; just that its good to have figured out beforehand why it bothered you so much, and what you need in order to move forward).

 

:grouphug: big girl panties are highly overrated, but very useful, too....

ann

 

:lol:

 

Sigh. That would help? No. Other than her understanding my reticence. But she is used to visiting, and we can't hold her off forever.

[Cassy]

Do you intend to confront her about it at some point in the future? If so, couldn't you just focus any hurt on that point in the future, while dealing with her in a businesslike way just for this week.

 

My MIL hates confrontation and will do anything to avoid it, and I know that even if we did talk things through it wouldn't improve our relationship, so when I feel hurt, like yourself, I try to avoid her. I think I could probably be fairly businesslike, for the 'greater good' of the family 'event', if I really tried though.

[Impish]

Well, which is likely to have her respect? You confronting her on it, or your dh?

 

There's nothing I find more infuriating than confronting someone about something hurtful they did, and having them brush it off, or act condescending, or tell me I'm overreacting/too sensitive.

 

Obviously, I don't know how serious an issue what she said is. Depending on the severity, I would refuse to have her visit unless your dh is home.

 

And you know, it *is* ok to do that.

[Avila]

My MIL said something highly insulting to me. I'm not going to say what.

 

I never said anything in return to her, and I can't seem to let it go. I know I will, but I need time. Meanwhile, though she left that time and I was cordial, I can't bring myself to pick up the phone when she calls. And she's been calling because we have something kinda big going on in my family this week.

 

Do I say something, or do I have my husband say something? I will put on my big girl panties if I have to, but I really want to punt this one to him. And I really don't want to deal with her this week.

 

I think it depends on a few factors. Was this just one of those things that people with no filters sometimes let slip or was it more deliberate? Was it off-the-cuff or something she had been thinking about for awhile? Is this part of a pattern or out of character for her? Do you have an open relationship with her? Will saying something to her make her sorry or just upset? Will it fix anything? What do you hope to accomplish? An apology? Some kind of promise to be more careful in the future? How realistic is that hope? And how far are you willing to take it if whatever that is does not happen?

 

I probably fall in the camp of just offering it up -- unless you have a sincere relationship where you can tell her that your feelings were hurt and she will care about that and want to mend it. But the fact that you are asking tge question probably means that talking about it won't help much. :(

 

:grouphug:

Edited June 26, 2012 by Asenik

[marbel]

Since you're going to have a relationship with her as long as she lives, you need to clear the air. Whether you do it or your husband does it depends on family dynamics.

 

My husband would deal with his own family members when there are problems, I with mine. I don't want to be the bad daughter-in-law. (My parents are dead, so he can't be the bad son-in-law, though he could be the bad brother-in-law.) So, if my MIL insulted me, I would talk it over with my husband, get his take on it, and if necessary have him talk to her.

[justamouse]

I think it depends on a few factors. Was this just one of those things that people with no filters sometimes let slip or was it more deliberate? Was it off-the-cuff or something she had been thinking about for awhile? Is this part of a pattern or out of character for her? Do you have an open relationship with her? Will saying something to her make her sorry or just upset? Will it fix anything? What do you hope to accomplish? An apology? Some kind of promise to be more careful in the future? How realistic is that hope? And how far are you willing to take it if whatever that is does not happen?

 

I probably fall in the camp of just offering it up -- unless you have a sincere relationship where you can tell her that your feelings were hurt and she will care about that and want to mend it. But the fact that you are asking tge question probably means that talking about it won't help much. :(

 

:grouphug:

 

It's more of a, "So that's what you've thought about me all these years."

 

I did not come into this family easily.

 

I am tall, thinner, have straight hair, don't wear lots of makeup or jewelry, and they have always held that I roped him into marrying me. (I'm not kidding in that list as ridiculous as it is)

 

SIL was the main instigator, and I forgave and forgot. But now MIL said it. It's out there, in the open. I though that after 6 kids and 18 years of marriage it would change her mind, but it hasn't. And she wasn't drinking when she said it.

 

And the list was not what she said. She bombed me with a bigger thing.

Edited June 26, 2012 by justamouse

[justamouse]

I'm not trying to only answer a few people, I appreciate all of you taking the time to answer. I'm just trying to give pertinent information.

 

I tink I may have to have a talk with Dh again tonight and tell him to take this one. I just needed to know that it was OK to do that.

[Avila]

It's more of a, "So that's what you've thought about me all these years."

 

I did not come into this family easily.

 

I am tall, thinner, have straight hair, don't wear lots of makeup or jewelry, and they have always held that I roped him into marrying me. (I'm not kidding in that list)

 

SIL was the main instigator, and I forgave and forgot. But now MIL said it. It's out there, in the open. I though that after 6 kids and 18 years of marriage it would change her mind, but it hasn't. And she wasn't drinking when she said it.

 

If that is what she really thinks, then talking about or admitting that it hurt you won't change anything -- although, my friend, she is clearly dead wrong if she can't see your worth. :grouphug:

 

Honestly, having dealt with my own share of in-law issues, my guess is that something irritated her and she lashed out by repeating something that maybe she does not think but that she knew would hurt you. If that is the issue, then I think your husband needs to address it, no holds barred, and tell her that hurting you hurts him and that will not be tolerated by either of you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Cassy]

And the list was not what she said. She bombed me with a bigger thing.

 

:grouphug: I have an idea how you're feeling. I'm quite angry for you.

[justamouse]

Thank you, Shelly.

 

:grouphug: I have an idea how you're feeling. I'm quite angry for you.

 

Thank you. :grouphug: to you, too.

Edited June 26, 2012 by justamouse
strongholding emoticons

[KnitWit]

It's more of a, "So that's what you've thought about me all these years."

 

I did not come into this family easily.

 

I am tall, thinner, have straight hair, don't wear lots of makeup or jewelry, and they have always held that I roped him into marrying me. (I'm not kidding in that list as ridiculous as it is)

 

SIL was the main instigator, and I forgave and forgot. But now MIL said it. It's out there, in the open. I though that after 6 kids and 18 years of marriage it would change her mind, but it hasn't. And she wasn't drinking when she said it.

 

And the list was not what she said. She bombed me with a bigger thing.

 

Wow. After 18 years of marriage and 6 kids, what is her point?? That is where *I* would be tempted to go with it...what was she expecting to gain by saying something like whatever she said? I would tell her if her point was to hurt me, she succeeded. If her point was something else, I missed it and maybe we need to talk with more clarity.

 

Sheesh.

 

God HELP KEEP ME from being a Monster-in-law!!!

[Impish]

Since it appears from what you've shared that she doesn't respect you or ejoy spending time w/you I don't see that you're under any obligation to have her visit when your dh isn't home.

[KnitWit]

Since it appears from what you've shared that she doesn't respect you or ejoy spending time w/you I don't see that you're under any obligation to have her visit when your dh isn't home.

 

:iagree:

 

And...I would *like* to say that I think I'd let my dh handle it, but *my* dh doesn't like confrontation so he probably wouldn't. :lol:

[Element]

Wow. After 18 years of marriage and 6 kids, what is her point?? That is where *I* would be tempted to go with it...what was she expecting to gain by saying something like whatever she said? I would tell her if her point was to hurt me, she succeeded. If her point was something else, I missed it and maybe we need to talk with more clarity.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

In most situations, I would say you should try to talk to the problem-causing person yourself (and I think the above quote is a great starting point.) However, you aren't always dealing with reasonable people.

 

Sometimes my MIL leaves me wide-eyed, jaw-dropped, and shaking my head. I have to have dh speak to her because she is just from. another. planet. Technically we speak the same language, but I am just not able to communicate with her. If you think that your dh could communicate your concerns more clearly (not because you are incapable of doing so generally, just in the case that you are incapable of doing so *with her*) then I would let him deal with it.

 

Sadly, if 6 kids and 18 years of marriage couldn't change her mind, there's probably not a lot you or your dh could say that would make any difference to her. At this point, saying something would be more for your own self-preservation than for "saving the MIL/DIL relationship." (And there's nothing wrong with that.) :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

I tink I may have to have a talk with Dh again tonight and tell him to take this one. I just needed to know that it was OK to do that.

 

:grouphug: Of course it's ok. You're his wife.

 

What is your dh's take on this? I know you said he's flabbergasted too. If he also mentions how *he* feels about her saying whatever it was to his wife, she can't blame you for being oversensitive. I know that if someone in my family said something insulting to my husband, it would hurt my feelings too, and I'd probably say so.

 

Cat

[Starr]

My dh doesn't confront his mother but he is always on our side. As I've gotten older I've started sweetly calling her bluff at every incident. She doesn't seem to mind. :( Things like dd offering to show her, her solo on the computer and being told she's not interested. I told her she was being a bad grandmother and she told me she probably was and walked out of the room. Then she wonders why no once comes to visit very often.

 

I would talk it over with your husband. It's hard for them but at least you'll be on the same page.

[justLisa]

I'm upset and angry for you. I know exactly how you feel. My FIL used to constantly humiliate me in regards to my not being Catholic or baptizing my babies. He had no respect for the way I raise my kids. Every time they visited he would try to "correct" all of the things I don't do with DS. But of course ALL little girls are just perfect little things. It was sad. I cried every time he came. I had one last draw and then stopped speaking to them for some time. DH had a talk with them about it, and he keeps it zipped now. I know he still does not accept the way I am, but so be it. I am not one to feel obligated to family just for the sake of being family. My SIL caused drama as well, and DH had to do the same thing.

 

And I too, did not enter their family easily. I am born of US, and they all immigrated from Europe and speak a different language. They have always been angry that we did not speak two languages in the home. We are now, but not because I felt their pressure.

 

Anyways, I would have DH tell them they either accept you fully, or go on without your FAMILY.

[happyhomemaker]

Since it appears from what you've shared that she doesn't respect you or ejoy spending time w/you I don't see that you're under any obligation to have her visit when your dh isn't home.

 

:iagree:

[QuirkyKapers]

I know that I stopped answering the phone to talk with MIL after finding out that she was taking what I was saying and twisting it. I figured my dh didn't answer the phone when my mom called, makes sense wasn't his mom, so why did I feel obligated to answer the phone for his mom? I can't remember if I told dh I was going to stop answering his mom's calls or just starting telling him, "Oh your mom called today. You will need to call her back." If he was home, I just let him know he needed to get the call it was his mom. So, in your case, I think having your dh handle talking with her is totally appropriate. I agree with what others have said, have her visit when dh is home. The benefit of that is he is there to witness whatever exchanges happen. :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

And I really don't want to deal with her this week.

 

then let him deal with her. she *is* his mother.

[justamouse]

:grouphug: Of course it's ok. You're his wife.

 

What is your dh's take on this? I know you said he's flabbergasted too. If he also mentions how *he* feels about her saying whatever it was to his wife, she can't blame you for being oversensitive. I know that if someone in my family said something insulting to my husband, it would hurt my feelings too, and I'd probably say so.

 

Cat

 

My Dh keeps his confidences. I know he knows how his mother thinks, and I know he knows more that's never been said. He broke (therefore we) broke contact with his sister because of it, and in all these years, he's never ever told me what was in that letter she sent. I respect that. I know he's trying to save my feelings.

 

 

Sadly, if 6 kids and 18 years of marriage couldn't change her mind, there's probably not a lot you or your dh could say that would make any difference to her. At this point, saying something would be more for your own self-preservation than for "saving the MIL/DIL relationship." (And there's nothing wrong with that.) :grouphug:

 

YOu know, I think this is it. I am a Hope Springs Eternal type person. I am forever hoping that time and love will change how people are. After all that I've done for her and what that I've said to her-- Mind you I am the person that told her I love her when neither of her kids did. Me. I never ended a phone call without telling her and she's admitted that it profoundly affected her.--and she STILL thinks the worst of me. The worst.

 

Since it appears from what you've shared that she doesn't respect you or ejoy spending time w/you I don't see that you're under any obligation to have her visit when your dh isn't home.

 

If she were to visit, she has to stay for a week because she can't get around well, can't drive up here and all that. So the burden of the 'visit' lies with me.

 

I just need more time, this time.

 

thank you all.

[Impish]

I'd tell dh that you cannot handle someone that is so disrespectful and hurtful being under your roof, expecting to be taken care of by you.

 

I've made the same statement to Wolf about his mother. If she were to visit us, she'd be staying here for a min of a wk, expecting me to cater to her every whim.

 

I cannot and will not do so. It's not in my best interest, in terms of physical and emotional health.

 

Sounds like you've reached a similar threshold. Why should you cater to someone that obviously sees you as lesser than?

[Anne in CA]

Some people do not have the mental flexibility to make change. For instance, some one who cannot use humor to defuse a situation may not have the ability to change their mind about someone once it is made up. It just may not be in her mental capacity.

 

I don't think that means you need to suck it up though, I would not allow a visit until you feel like it would not be a burden. If it doesn't happen for a year or three or five, so be it, you are not the family scapegoat to be treated poorly. Your dh should put your feelings first in this case. But again, after 18 years and six children a person of normal intelligence and healthy emotions should be able to rationally asses that your dh loves you and chose your for good reasons. The fact that she has not done so is telling. She may feel that she needs to take SIL's side, or she just may not be able to make changes once she has made up her mind.

 

I'm so sorry, it is so hard not to have your extended family cherish you the way you deserve.

[Reflections]

You are not the person they think you are. Don't let them 'tell' you that you are. I agree with everyone on here that said let your dh handle her, she is his mother. If she wants to stay for a week, fine, but then he gets to stay home with her. After 18 years I'd tell her off - I can't imagine that it would ruin the relationship any further.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

You are worth of their love. It is their own terrible loss that they are not open to a better relationship with you. IMHO Don't try to make them.

[Impish]

I just want to say, cherish and love is wonderful, but it sounds like simple, basic respect is missing.

 

I mean, seriously...that's not an unrealistic expecation. At all.

 

Never ceases to amaze me how ppl have no hesitation to demand what they, themselves, refuse to give.

[pdalley]

:grouphug:

 

I finally put my foot down with my MIL or actually I forced DH to handle his mother himself this year.

 

Sometimes something is said that cannot be taken back and it takes time and distance to be civil again. Do what you need to do for you. Let DH handle his mother.

[Myeightkiddies]

She doesn't like you. Her loss.

 

You know it, so don't walk on egg shells any longer. It's not your fault. This is her flaw.

 

Stop giving her permission to walk all over you and use you as a doormat.

 

Next time anything negative is said, immediately address it - no matter where you are or who is near. If you cannot go into detail, look her in the eye, with your chin held high, and tell her that her comment was highly inappropriate. Inform her that in the future you expect her to keep such statements to herself.

 

It takes a lot of guts to do this if you aren't use to it. However, it is time. Don't let someone bully you by thinking they have the right to speak to you in such a way. If she doesn't like you, fine, but she needs to keep it to herself and deal with it. If you do not hold your chin up and confront her immediately in a calm but authoritative fashion, she will not stop. It will only get worse. She's a bully with words. Use anti-bully tactics with her. They usually back down when they know they can't get away with it. If she doesn't back down then proceed with more serious consequences - removing her from the equation.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. :grouphug:

[justamouse]

I told Dh his mom called three times today, and he said he spoke to her...we'll see.

 

Thank you, all.