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Friends and rebound friendships Advice needed (long)


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I'm posting this here because I don't really "know" y'all and y'all don't really know me. Great for an outside looking in type opinion, KWIM?

 

I have a friend that I'll call "A" for this post and a friend that I will call "M". I have known A for about 3 or 4 years. We would email each other about twice a year or just chat on a message board that we were both a part of. A was extremely good friends with M for many years before M passed away last January. A called me the day that M died because she was a mutual friend, although M and myself weren't close by any means.

 

After that, A started calling me practically every day. She talked to me about everything. Because she's military, stationed overseas, away from her family and had just lost her best friend, even though it seemed a little weird, I assumed she just needed someone to talk to that also knew M and could understand the situation she was in.

 

After a few weeks of talking, as her and I became more acquainted, I started opening up to her and actually considering her a good friend. For months we talked every day about practically everything - kids, the military, homeschooling. She was who I called when life went to pieces during my husband's last deployment. Our relationship went on like this for well over a year.

 

About a month ago, she stopped calling. She wouldn't respond on Facebook, didn't call, wouldn't even reply to my emails. I asked her over and over if she was upset with me and what I did to make her upset. She finally replied that she wasn't ready to discuss it with me because she was still processing and didn't want to say something she'd regret. I replied with a thank you for letting me know that she was upset with me and I told her that I was sorry for whatever I did to upset her. I also told her that I thought we had the type of relationship where if we were miffed with the other, we could talk about it. She told me that she does want to talk about it, just not yet.

 

When I was on vacation with the family, she called me like 12 times in a row because she was ready to talk about it. I honestly did not want to have that conversation in the car with the DH and kids listening. I told her that I would email her when I was able to discuss it more privately so she could call me back. (She calls me because I don't have a landline and I can't call internationally on my cell phone. It's also free for her to call me because of the phone set up she has overseas.)

 

While we were on vacation, I spent a lot of time thinking about the situation and I'm feeling like if M were still alive, A and I would not even be having these problems because she and I would never be friends. In that regard I feel like a rebound friendship and looking back at the relationship all the signs are there. I also feel that I'm 36 years old and I want people in my life that are going to be honest with me when I screw up and give me the opportunity to apologize and hopefully rectify the situation. To me, it seems rather immature to just stop talking to someone for weeks because they've done something to make you mad. A few days to calm down I get. A few weeks, unless it's extremely hurtful, I just don't get. Especially since I still do not know what made her upset to start with.

 

How would you handle a situation like this? My heart is really hurting over this and I truly need help figuring this whole thing out. I care about her and her family a lot, but I don't think I'll be able to view our relationship the same after this. :001_unsure:

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IMO "friends" who do this are simply showing their true colors as high drama, passive aggressive, high maintenance people. Life is too short. I got sucked into this kind of drama once - never again. If someone decides they are suddenly "too hurt" to communicate like an adult, and they aren't adult enough to say WTH their problem is, but prefer to drag out a huge passive-aggressive drama to yank my chain for as long as they can keep it going - sorry ! I'm done at the first refusal to state their problem. Have a nice life, call me if you ever get over yourself and want to hang out.

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I don't think I'll be able to view our relationship the same after this. :001_unsure:

 

I wouldn't either.

 

I'd hear her out, and if this was something more than a hangnail, I'd consider still being friends, but I'd cool the daily contact. I'd also focus on things you have in common, rather than dramas. If all there were were dramas, I'd be rather busy from now one, IYKWIM.

 

If her upset was just a hangnail, I would curtail things. I found that people being upset with me, by and large, has been about them, not what I did. (E.g. the roommate who raised her voice when I broke the teapot demanding that I replace it. I had every intention of replacing it. It had only been broken half an hour. Later, it turned out she was a complete cheat on money. She assumed everyone else was.)

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Truthfully?

 

She sounds self-centered and immature to treat the OP like this. I'd hear her out and then develop a "boundary" for the relationship to be civil, strained, or polite. But most likely not close like it was in the past. She is showing her true colors. :confused:

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Truthfully?

 

She sounds self-centered and immature to treat the OP like this. I'd hear her out and then develop a "boundary" for the relationship to be civil, strained, or polite. But most likely not close like it was in the past. She is showing her true colors. :confused:

 

:iagree: It never ceases to amaze me when I read on here about adults acting this way. :confused:

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I think you can't decide whether her silence was reasonable unless you are willing to listen to her reasons. You chose a 2 week silence while on your vacation because you didn't think the timing was right to talk, correct?

Edited by MomatHWTK
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IMO "friends" who do this are simply showing their true colors as high drama, passive aggressive, high maintenance people. Life is too short. I got sucked into this kind of drama once - never again. If someone decides they are suddenly "too hurt" to communicate like an adult, and they aren't adult enough to say WTH their problem is, but prefer to drag out a huge passive-aggressive drama to yank my chain for as long as they can keep it going - sorry ! I'm done at the first refusal to state their problem. Have a nice life, call me if you ever get over yourself and want to hang out.

Yup, that's it.

 

I don't play the "I'm mad at you and I'm not going to tell you why" game. My friends are grownups. I expect them to act like it.

 

I can think of a ton of sensible reasons a woman would go radio silence during a friendship. Give her a chance.

 

I can, too. I cannot think of a single reason one would go silent, then tell another adult that they are the cause of some anger/hurt, but refuse to tell them what the offense is.

 

I honestly don't know how I could possibly unwittingly offend someone to that level without having any kind of a clue that I may have mis-stepped.

Edited by MyCrazyHouse
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Could it be that you've had a break from the daily chit chat and like the peace and quiet of life again? Perhaps you need a break, too.

 

Friends should understand when one of them needs a break. It doesn't have to be out of anger, drama, passive aggressive, or anything else. "I'm sick of your voice and need a few months off" would not go over well with any friendship. But we all do feel that way from time to time, especially if it is a daily relationship.

 

Give yourself a break, too, if you need one and then go back to the friendship as you feel comfortable. I wouldn't put much thought into the way your friend handled everything. If you've liked her up until this point, she makes the effort to go back to being daily friends, and you want such a friendship, then feel free.

 

:grouphug:

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I would cool the friendship. Life is difficult enough without having to deal with high-needs, drama type friends. I'd probably give her one last hearing, and then politely back off.

 

I've seen what a "friend" like that can do to an otherwise happy, stable person.

 

Of course there is always the remote chance that she has a good reason, which is why I'd give her that last hearing. You're giving her one last chance.

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I would hear her out, but if she didn't respond to the email, I would probably let the friendship fade.

 

I'm too old to waste time playing games like I did in grade school. Once in 5th grade, another girl and I were "in a fight" (nothing physical) with two classmate friends. The second morning of the silent treatment and angry glares, I turned around to tell my friend something and she just sneered at me. I didn't even remember I was supposed to be mad at her, but I returned her sneer and snapped, "Oh, yeah, we're in a fight," and whipped back around in my chair. Even then I knew I was being ridiculous, but I still kept playing the game until the other girls called it off. :tongue_smilie:

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