Are you turning into one of your parents?

[Doran]

When my husband and I are in disagreement, we aren't meek (and sometimes we aren't considerate) about sharing our thoughts. This often means that the argument takes a variety of twists and turns, shifting and morphing from one topic to another as the kitchen sink gets dragged into the fray. Not pretty. Not something I'm even remotely proud to admit. Most of the time, there is a single irritant at the center of the ripple, and when we get to center, to the core of the disagreement or the source of the anger, then we can move towards resolution. Fortunately, we are almost always able to do this in short order. It is rare for us to go to bed angry. Unfortunately, it is during these angry times that we can each be our worst selves. More unfortunate still, he sees my mother's worst traits in me, and likewise, I see his father's worst traits in him.

 

These behaviors show up at other times as well, but I have to be honest and note that they are most obvious when one or the other of us is displeased about something. Sometimes, I am positively shocked at how much my husband can act like his father. I'm sure he feels the same way about me. As far as we know, we weren't always like this. Or, it was more latent. We don't particularly want to "become" these things. We recognize that our parents have some wonderful gifts, but they also have some very negative behaviors which stand out as particulary undesirable.

 

I've always heard that as we age we tend to become more like our parents. Are you finding this to be true in yourself? And, if there are specific habits you've inherited or learned, habits you do not wish to emulate, how are you doing at curbing those?

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Awareness is the first step. It is a big one. Willingness to seek other ways is also a big part of that. Having someone to lovingly point out when you step in that direction is nice, but only if you have an agreement and it is done in a loving manner.

 

Yes, I see things that come from one or the other of my parents that are less than desired. Dh has some too. I have some demons from childhood that made me want to be so different. I just try very hard to be aware. And I will ask dh to point things out (not in the heat of the moment). He has done that for me and I for him. Not nagging or ugliness, but based on mutual agreements.

[Doran]

...but I can't really say that awareness is moving us to the next step. At least not quickly.

 

 

Thanks for your reply, Melissa. I guess the other 18 viewers are perfect...or their parents are perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding. Really I am!!!:lol:

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

...but I can't really say that awareness is moving us to the next step. At least not quickly.

 

 

Thanks for your reply, Melissa. I guess the other 18 viewers are perfect...or their parents are perfect.

 

Just kidding. Really I am!!!:lol:

 

:-PPPPPPP

 

It just hits too close to home, kwim?

[Mom2legomaniacs]

...but I can't really say that awareness is moving us to the next step. At least not quickly.

 

 

 

 

Well, it is just a first step. Willingness to address the issue is a whole 'nother ball of wax! And then figuring out *how* to do it something else entirely. Sigh, sounds almost impossible, doesn't it?

[Amy loves Bud]

I've gone pretty far in the other direction.

 

My dad was a very outspoken man - you never had any doubt what was on his mind.

 

My mom, on the other hand, would just bottle up her disagreement. It came out in slammed cabinet doors and the like, mainly out of his earshot, but within mine. Sometimes she would even complain to me about him starting when I was about 11. Every six months or so a huge blow-up would occur.

 

An example: once she said she thought she should get a job. He said she didn't need to get a job. He heard, "We need me to make money", while she heard, "No wife of mine will work outside of the house." Had he known she *wanted* a job for something to do, it would have been no big deal - we found out much later after the big blow up happened, and the job opportunity was long gone.

 

So, in the early years of our marriage I would practically drag an argument out of Bud, because I didn't want to be like my mom! Good times, good times.

 

I've mellowed over the years, but I still need for all my words to be Out There. :blush: I'm like my mom in some ways, but I've avoided this one!

 

The only other area I'd like to avoid being like my mom is that she was in horrendous physical condition. She was underweight till menopause, then she put on a few pounds - not much, but stayed incredibly unhealthy. She was a great cook, ate a lot of buttery foods, and never exercised a day in her life. Ever. When it came time to go through cancer treatment she had no physical reserves to fall back on, and she knew it. She was mortified and quit any kind of treatment pretty early in the process. I plan to remain physically active an healthy long into old age, Lord willing.

[Kris]

I've always heard that as we age we tend to become more like our parents. Are you finding this to be true in yourself? And, if there are specific habits you've inherited or learned, habits you do not wish to emulate, how are you doing at curbing those?

 

A big YES on this and I fight it every day. My only consolation is that I see it now, not after my family has deserted me, as has happened to my mother. We just couldn't take it anymore.

 

My father frequently tells me that she told him when they first married that she would "walk alone" when she was older. Every time he brings that up, it seems to me she did her best to make sure her statement came true -- because it most certainly did.

 

I think the big differences are that (1) I'm not an alcoholic (she is -- and has been for decades -- as is most of my family) and (2) I realized a long time ago how fabulously lucky I was to have such a wonderful husband and son and was determined not to drive them away.

 

It is a constant battle, but I seem to succeed more than I fail -- at least, my great guys are still here and don't seem to want "out."

[Danestress]

Yes, I am like my mother in some ways. And that can be a good thing, because my mother's life (as a caregiver for my father) is very hard right now, and I can minister to her well because I do understand her. I love her and my Dad.

 

But I also try to be detached from both her and my father in some ways. I try to think about having choices. I try to take the "like this person" out of it and just choose who I want to be. I know that's idealistic and not always possible, but I'm working on it.

 

I'm an adult, and I don't want to live in the shadow of my parents - figuratively. In actuality, I see my parents almost every day and DH's mother is here a lot too. I love all of them and don't want to detach from them physically, but I do try to remember that I am me. I can choose if I want to work out or not, gossip or not, criticize or not. Every minute of my life contains choices.

 

I would try not think of my husband as "just like his mother" because if there is something I have a problem with, I want to address it directly - not address it *and* insult his mother in the same breath (or same thought). It's not really about her. It's about him. Otherwise parents and in-laws have this oppresive presence in our lives that they probably don't even want. I'm sure my MIL wouldn't want me to be mentally tallying her faults whenever I am mad at my DH. Who wants that responsibility? Even if she were to admit to the fault, really, she's not perfect. And my husband is not chained to her in some mystic way. To a certain extent, he can decide to be different.

[Doran]

Yes, I am like my mother in some ways. And that can be a good thing, because my mother's life (as a caregiver for my father) is very hard right now, and I can minister to her well because I do understand her. I love her and my Dad.

 

But I also try to be detached from both her and my father in some ways. I try to think about having choices. I try to take the "like this person" out of it and just choose who I want to be. I know that's idealistic and not always possible, but I'm working on it.

 

I'm an adult, and I don't want to live in the shadow of my parents - figuratively. In actuality, I see my parents almost every day and DH's mother is here a lot too. I love all of them and don't want to detach from them physically, but I do try to remember that I am me. I can choose if I want to work out or not, gossip or not, criticize or not. Every minute of my life contains choices.

 

I would try not think of my husband as "just like his mother" because if there is something I have a problem with, I want to address it directly - not address it *and* insult his mother in the same breath (or same thought). It's not really about her. It's about him. Otherwise parents and in-laws have this oppresive presence in our lives that they probably don't even want. I'm sure my MIL wouldn't want me to be mentally tallying her faults whenever I am mad at my DH. Who wants that responsibility? Even if she were to admit to the fault, really, she's not perfect. And my husband is not chained to her in some mystic way. To a certain extent, he can decide to be different.

 

 

I didn't mean to imply that being like my mother or like his father was only or even mostly bad. Each of our parents, including the two less likely to show up in our behaviors, have amazing, endearing, admirable qualities which we would love to cultivate in ourselves. And, you're right. It's not really about them. It's about us and our choices. At a certain point, I recognize the need to "stop blaming" our parents for who we are. We're adults. It's our choice to do with our characters as we will, as we must.

 

But, it is fascinating at best, frustrating at worst, to see the negatives showing up now -- not all along. These are traits which so are similar to our parents' negatives that one begins to think they had to be either inherited or learned, or both. They are, more specifically, behaviors which each of us of his/her own accord recognizes as those we'd prefer to not have. And, for years, it seemed we didn't have them. Age seems to be bringing them out, as if our demons know that we're growing less careful, less observant, less willing to monitor ourselves.

 

I'm not sure I'm making sense. I appreciate your advice. You are right to discourage us from pointing out flaws as if they came from someone else. In a twisted way, that sort of frees the individual (dh or me) from responsibility, doesn't it? At the same time, it convicts a person (his father, my mother) who is really not entirely to blame. I guess, though, I'm not sure how to correct behaviors that seem so ingrained that they take over despite the fact that we've stated a desire to avoid them.

[NCMom]

I usually find myself going so far in the other direction (coping mechanisms from having a Mom w/Borderline Personality Disorder, among other things) that it is equally painful. And not very helpful or effective. My dh is more of a product of his culture (matriarchal, non US, on island time:001_smile:), maybe, than his particular parents, who did such a great job with him and his 7 sibs.

 

One thing I do is try to have some space between my reactions, i.e. don't freak out or shut down right away. Breathe and smile, lol. This helps my poor dh a lot, and it helps me to stop and figure out if i am looking at things in perspective. It helps that I know that my definition of normal isn't so much, so it pays to be calm and thoughtful and to squash the fight or flight reaction that I am pretty much conditioned too, hehe.

 

I figure we've been married more than 19 years and have a while longer to keep working things out, but sometimes it's really hard.

 

georgia

[nakitty]

Yes...I do a little...and not in the good ways unfortunately...LOL My Mom has some amazing characteristics that I would love to have....but it is her "crazy" that I seem to be catching...LOL

 

Dh, not so much....not yet anyhow. My FIL is awesome...and doesn't really have any bad characteristics...but my dh is not really like him at all. My dh is awesome too...just very different personality wise than his Dad.

[E_Edgerton]

Absolutely not! I am so different than both of them. I love them, but see them as very flawed and hope to correct that.:glare:

[AustinTea]

I've noticed lately that I do in some ways act like my mother and my grandmother. I think it has happened more as I've gotten older too. Not sure about my husband though.

[elegantlion]

Ironically I am more like my dad, and dh is more like his mother (although his father is deceased, not quite sure how much he is like him). I can see the same weaknesses that are in our parents in us. I can also see the same strengths. But, yes, at those moments of frustration I have caught myself saying (or maybe muttering under my breath) "You are just like your mother".

 

What bothers me more is that I'm living a similar lifestyle that we had when I was a child. We have no car during the day and a dh who works a lot, so I've found myself feeling trapped in a deja vu lifestyle.

[Remudamom]

The only thing I know to tell you is that when you are about to do something you don't admire in yourself you just stop doing it. Just don't do it. Stop. Don't. NO.

 

I'm not saying it's easy. But it's possible.

[Danestress]

That you were especially critical of your parents. I go through stages where I think about and am more critical of mine, so I was really just saying that *I* feel healthier when I sort of shrug and say "well, that's them. I'm me."

 

I guess, though, I'm not sure how to correct behaviors that seem so ingrained that they take over despite the fact that we've stated a desire to avoid them.

 

But yes. There is some of that, too, isn't there?

 

All I can say is what my husband says. "Life is practice, practice, practice."

 

I think the reason people become less of what they meant to be as they age is that they have a lower self-regulating ability. Apart from major brain changes, which do happen, and do result in major personality change, I think mostly we just lose self control when we get old. At least that's what I see in my parents. What used to be a mild problem is now just awful because she lacks perspective and the ability to monitor herself.

 

So I think we have to daily practice being the person we want to be, so that we will have really really good habits later. And you know, I bet you do guard carefully against some aspects of becoming your mother. It's probably the slightly less glaring defects you have adopted.

 

At least that's how it is for me. There were some things I said "I will never ever X." And I don't. But the things I failed to guard against have moved in and taken over:)

[Jenny in Atl]

Absolutely not! I am so different than both of them. I love them, but see them as very flawed and hope to correct that.:glare:

 

Could not have said it better myself. It's painful but true. I know my dh feels the same about his. We are both recovering from a couple days with his folks... why is family so often hard? I want it to be fun and comforting! Instead it's often awkward and down right frustrating. :confused:

[Ellie]

I turned into my mother long ago, but of course, only her good characteristics:D

 

I have found myself also turning into my grandmother, with whom I lived until I was 11, and then later for a couple of years in high school. Mostly it's been housekeeping things, so that's good :-) and being obsessively on time.

[Nicole M]

This is something I wonder about. I don't know. I had what I can only describe as a catastrophic break with my parents ages ago. And years of therapy since. Also, I truly believe that they both have some kind of undiagnosed mental illness and / or personality disorder. So I just don't know.

 

I do see a lot of my MIL in my spouse, though. And when I am irritated with one of my children, with a particular flavor of irritation, I will call that child his father's name - because I associate that feeling of frustration with my husband, I guess. That's the closest example I can think of that has to do with "reverting" to some subconscious reaction, a knee-jerk reaction of not-my-best-self.

 

This is something to think about....

[gardenschooler]

The only thing I know to tell you is that when you are about to do something you don't admire in yourself you just stop doing it. Just don't do it. Stop. Don't. NO.

 

I'm not saying it's easy. But it's possible.

 

It is possible. I don't think I'm like my mother at all (how's that for denial?), but I have plenty of reactions that I don't admire. It only takes a second to tell yourself to stop.

[TammyinTN]

I'm definitely different from both of my parents. They would just fuss and scream and have it out. Next day act like nothing happened. I'm more "your keep it to yourself" kinda girl. I've know my dh for 28 years(been married for 21 of them) and he knows all about my parents. How they fought and acted. I told him before we married I was having none of it.

 

He came from a household that neither of his parents ever had a harsh word to say to one another and were always kind and loving. He has never known his parents to fuss at all. They are the most kind and generous people I know. I try daily to act like them. :)

[Tatt2mama]

so I've been watchful about those bad habits. What I didn't expect was the tendencies that come from my dad! Like this thing my dad used to do-my mom would be doing something in the kitchen, cooking something or whatever, and my dad would come over and go "what are you doing? why are you doing it like that? why don't you do it like this? it doesn't make sense the way you're doing it." And the next thing you know, HE'D be doing whatever it was, his way, and my mom would be irritated.

 

I never understood why he did this, until now. I find myself doing it to dh ALL THE TIME-"why are you doing it like that?". What I can't believe is that it took me a while to realize I was even doing it, and where it came from. I just thought I was extremely logical, full of common sense, and my husband, not so much. But then I realized I was just being obnoxious.

 

My new mantra is "walk away! Just walk away!"