Feeling sorry for myself...smack me, will ya?

[Twinmom]

Our twin who has APD has struggled mightily with phonetic awareness and it is holding back the development of his reading skills. I am thrilled and lucky to have found an OG therapist two doors down from me who knows me, knows DS9 and his twin and who was willing to tutor him for only $35 a hour. I should be beyond thrilled, right?

 

Well, truthfully I am. But, there is this part of me that is feeling whiny...a part of me I'm not proud of! DS is coming home thrilled to pieces over what he is learning. He is picking up random stuff from her in mere minutes that I have been trying to teach him unsuccessfully for years (like tying his shoes). She is making inroads with his phonics in just a few sessions. I am SO happy for him, but honestly it makes me feel as if I have failed him. Yes, I know that he is probably hitting a developmental stage that makes this possible now vs. earlier, and yes, I know that I have both worked hard to teach him and have busted my behind giving him outside therapies that he needed (OT, speech, neurofeedback, etc.), but I still feel as if I should have been more successful with him earlier. She is a lovely lady, but it also doesn't help that she regularly points out how far behind he is pretty far behind NC state standards and I should have exposed him to x, y, and z by now. (She is super supportive of homeschooling, though...).

 

Yes, I know he is behind...I have tried hard to do the most with what he had to offer, but I also have three other special needs kids to deal with, so it has been hard. It also doesn't help that DS keeps innocently pointing out my personal deficiencies as a teacher. :( So, when I should be happy that I have found this great resource that is actually getting through to him and makes him happy to learn, I am feeling sorry for myself.

 

Slap me out of this, would ya? I am actually starting to think that putting him back in school would be better for him, if I am not enough for him. I feel like a fussy two year old! :o I really am thrilled at his progress and happy for him, just feeling fairly inadequate...

 

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Moving right along now...

Edited June 19, 2012 by Twinmom

[SKL]

I would smack you but I'm not qualified. Let me go see if I can find a perfect parent to do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nope, outta luck.

 

:grouphug:

 

It's great that our kids have access to other very talented and patient adults, because none of us has it all.

 

That doesn't mean what we have isn't enough.

[RamonaQ]

:grouphug: How about a hug instead. Finding a good tutor was THE best money I have ever spent. Plus, it also over time taught me ways to better work with my son....we ALL are learning!!!!

[Lecka]

In a weird way I almost see it as a compliment.

 

The tutor has no idea where your son started from. If she did -- you wouldn't be hearing those comments from her. She thinks highly of him to expect more from him.... and it is a wonderful situation, for her to have that high opinion of him and his abilities.

 

But also very frustrating.

 

Just what I have had -- my son's reading was bad, bad, bad, and his K teacher wanted to hold him back, and obviously had given up on him getting pre-reading skills in her classroom.

 

Then last year he was caught up to the point that his 1st grade teacher wouldn't give him a lower level spelling test, even though he always got 5/10 on his spelling tests, and some kids in his class were given an easier spelling list. But she thought with his reading being better he needed to do the spelling list she was giving him, and wouldn't move him down. She just thought I should spend more time with him on spelling (sigh!!!!!!).

 

But I found that with my son's personality he does better to get 5/10 on the medium spelling list, but be held to that standard, than if he could get a few more words right with the easiest spelling list. I think his teacher had a good read on him that way, actually.

 

But part of me was like -- really? You want him to do this spelling list? Do you understand he was supposed to get held back last year?

 

But no -- his teacher doesn't understand that.

 

But having had both -- I think the higher standard is much better than "he can't do anything anyway."

 

But it is so frustrating!!!!!!

 

But at the same time -- I am happy he is considered a kid who can do well now, and not a kid to write off.

 

I don't know the specifics with your son -- but my son is in public school, which we like, and I also afterschool. But public schools are not magical places! Your son would not have the one-on-one he is getting from the tutor for more than a very short amount of time each week. Maybe your son could have sat in a classroom to be exposed to some certain thing, but sitting there doesn't mean he would be able to learn the skill. But what is the point, to say he could have sat in a room and been "exposed"? To me anyway - - I don't think that kind of "exposure" does much good until underlying skills are built up.

 

And surely the tutor feels the same -- she just doesn't even see your son as a child who needed help with the underlying skills b/c now there has been so much improvement.

 

That is what I think, anyway.

 

But how much nicer it would be if the tutor could recognize how far he has come and that he is where he needs to be right now!!!!!!!!!!!

[dkpalaska]

Ain't no way I'm going to smack you!

 

Hugs, yes. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Your feelings are so normal. You've poured blood, sweat, and tears into your child's education, and now, when YOU should be getting recognition for all your efforts, it's going to someone else. It stinks, this general and pervasive lack of appreciation for a parent's sacrifices. Worse, it makes you doubt yourself, when what you most need is the encouragement to keep on enduring.

 

I can think of a few comments on the situation. Yes, it might be a developmental stage making it easier for your son to learn; yes, the tutor might have special skills and knowledge or a particular personality that is making things click for your son. But who laid the foundation that was in place, upon which this new tutor is building? Not just of basic subject knowledge, but of receptivity to learn, ability to listen, etc.? You did, while working with other special needs kids at the same time. Great job, mom!

 

Second, I've been seeing a counselor for depression. She is having me think through all the hats I wear as a special-needs, homeschooling mom: wife, mother, principal, teacher, administrator, therapist, case-worker, etc. You carry all these hats 24/7, often wearing multiple ones at once. Your tutor, on the other hand, is wearing how many when she tutors your son? How many other kids is she dealing with at the same time? Even more important, according to my counsellor: she and your son separate when they are done! She leaves, rejuvenates, and returns. They work one-on-one with minimal interruptions. I don't know about you, but I seldom get those opportunities! And, more to the point, your son won't get that in a traditional school setting, either.

 

Third, my kids are in the Suzuki music program. They have a teacher once a week, but then a parent is expected to be their "practice partner" each day to help coach them in the techniques, etc., that the teacher has set out to practice for that week. I read a book written about how to make those daily practice sessions easier - a whole book - because it is so common for kids to work great for their Suzuki teacher, and then melt down at the slightest bit of advice from their parent during the week. One of his many points is that this tension between kid and parent exists because they have a deep relationship, a much deeper and more complex relationship than the child has with the Suzuki teacher. It's that old deal of kids sometimes working better, tolerating more, reaching higher expectations for other people than they will for their parents. It's not you, particularly, but something that is very common between every kid and parent: sometimes with us all the "baggage" of our relationship gets in the way of them being completely receptive to learning from us.

 

Sorry if this is a bit incoherent and rambling. I've been interrupted about 2,159 times in the time I've been trying to type out my thoughts. :) I'm so glad that you have found someone who is able to help your son so well. As annoying as it is, I guess I'd try to take any potentially critical comments with as much equanimity as I could muster: she'd doesn't know all the hats you wear. As my counsellor admits, she probably couldn't handle all the hats you wear! Let's see how great she'd do tutoring all your kids at once! But the bottom line is that noone is doing, can ever do, all the good for your son that you are doing. You are the champion of his life, whether anyone pauses long enough to notice or not. We know it, though. I'm not slamming traditional or charter schooling - sometimes there are situations where it truly is the best option due to special programs, etc. But not usually, from my reviews and experiences. You are doing the best you can under tough conditions. (I read somewhere that the stress levels of parents of special needs kids, particularly moms, can equal those of PTSD combat soldiers.)

 

Keep on keepin' on. You are the best for your son, period.

 

And, yeah, I need to spend more time following my own advice...:lol:

[Barbara H]

I've been guilty of this too so I can't smack you...

 

But, I can say from the outside it is easy to see what we can't always see for ourselves. Being a parent is a gigantic job. Being a parent who is also supposed to, without training become a teacher, a neurologist, a speech therapist, a physical therapist, a nutritionist, a psychologist, a disabilities advocate, an occupational therapist, etc. That's a pretty unreasonable expectation to have for any human being. Yes, it is admirable how many of us rise to the challenge and do what needs to get done - but really, should we actually expect to be able to it all perfectly too? You'd never in a million years expect that from another parent, so don't expect it of yourself.

 

You get credit for getting your kid where he is and for lining up therapies and supports. He's doing well and that's huge. Also, I have to say, I do think it would be okay if you told therapist how you feel about the regular chatter about being "behind" - you are committed to helping him where he needs to be and it isn't a race. He is making progress and he will continue to do so. Also, those discussions if they do need happen REALLY don't need to happen in front of him. The therapist may not be clued in to how this conversation may be causing you stress and it might be good to let her know.

[Twinmom]

Thanks, everybody! You all are so sweet not to smack me! :D. I went and had a nap and a Starbucks and I do feel better now.

 

I told the therapist the other day that teaching my twins has been like teaching a kid with a broken leg to play basketball. They can watch all they want from the sidelines, but until their "legs" healed, they couldn't do it themselves. Their "legs" are down to a limp now, so we are ready to learn! I need to listen more to my own advice, frankly. I just get tired, between playing all the roles I am am expected to play...you are absolutely right about that! And, if I want to be snooty about it, there is much that I do better than the therapist, a wholly excellent reading specialist (which I clearly am NOT!). I am an LCSW with about twenty years in the field of mental health and child development and I need to give myself more credit where credit is due!

 

It's just those days when I have had to wear too many hats for two long, ya know? Genetic specialist, Socratic discussion maker and chief orthodontist transportation for 2E kid; Cogmed therapist, "second brain" and chauffeur to child with anoxic brain injury who works at an equestrian center every day and also has braces (ortho transport again); Neurotherapist (we have a rented machine at home), OT, remedial teacher and OG organizer to drug exposed, developmentally delayed twins who would REALLY rather play with the neighbor kids who are outside...and somewhere in there, I still need to be wife to a work at home dad and mother, cook and cleaning lady for the rest! Oh, and then there is trying to exercise, keep my weight down, be a friend and a daughter...

 

You all know how it goes...just needed a moment to whine. The OG therapist quite innocently hit a nerve! I know these kids would not be where they are without my help and more importantly, without the grace of God. He is giving me a break here, and I need to appreciate it.

 

You can smack me for not noticing that instead, K? :o

 

Seriously, thanks for the encouragement. I needed it today.

[dkpalaska]

Seriously, thanks for the encouragement. I needed it today.

 

It's a big reason this forum is here. :) So glad that you are feeling better. I also agree with Barbara H's advice about gently cluing-in the OG therapist.

[PeterPan]

Well I wouldn't possibly slap you, but I might throw a little slap that tutor's way. She's being a little oblivious about your feelings, and I'd suck up and tell her straight. Maybe she can chill out on the guilt-tripping. The past is the past, and you can only move forward. If she'd shut up about the past, you're happy to move forward. Give her whatever size hint it takes. ;)

 

I'm elated for you that things are finally clicking. Sounds like you need to put up your feet and get some sun when they're getting the tutoring. Give yourself a little well-deserved rest! :)

[Pen]

Our twin who has APD has struggled mightily with phonetic awareness and it is holding back the development of his reading skills. I am thrilled and lucky to have found an OG therapist two doors down from me who knows me, knows DS9 and his twin and who was willing to tutor him for only $35 a hour. I should be beyond thrilled, right?

 

Well, truthfully I am. But, there is this part of me that is feeling whiny...a part of me I'm not proud of! DS is coming home thrilled to pieces over what he is learning. He is picking up random stuff from her in mere minutes that I have been trying to teach him unsuccessfully for years (like tying his shoes). She is making inroads with his phonics in just a few sessions. I am SO happy for him, but honestly it makes me feel as if I have failed him. Yes, I know that he is probably hitting a developmental stage that makes this possible now vs. earlier, and yes, I know that I have both worked hard to teach him and have busted my behind giving him outside therapies that he needed (OT, speech, neurofeedback, etc.), but I still feel as if I should have been more successful with him earlier. She is a lovely lady, but it also doesn't help that she regularly points out how far behind he is pretty far behind NC state standards and I should have exposed him to x, y, and z by now. (She is super supportive of homeschooling, though...).

 

Yes, I know he is behind...I have tried hard to do the most with what he had to offer, but I also have three other special needs kids to deal with, so it has been hard. It also doesn't help that DS keeps innocently pointing out my personal deficiencies as a teacher. :( So, when I should be happy that I have found this great resource that is actually getting through to him and makes him happy to learn, I am feeling sorry for myself.

 

Slap me out of this, would ya? I am actually starting to think that putting him back in school would be better for him, if I am not enough for him. I feel like a fussy two year old! :o I really am thrilled at his progress and happy for him, just feeling fairly inadequate...

 

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Moving right along now...

 

Congratulations! No smack. Let yourself be thrilled, and keep up the good work!

 

Sometimes someone else makes a difference. Not even always a tutor. My son learned shoe tying from a shoe salesman, who had learned to do it upside down and backwards in order to teach kids.

[Barbara H]

 

It's just those days when I have had to wear too many hats for two long, ya know? Genetic specialist, Socratic discussion maker and chief orthodontist transportation for 2E kid; .

 

Having done all three of these... this list made me smile and debate with myself for a minute. Which of these roles is least pleasant. That's a tough call. Genetics is scariest, but orthodontist transportation with Socratic discussion making at the same time - that'll get you.

 

Glad you are feeling better. Take care SuperMom!

[Twinmom]

Having done all three of these... this list made me smile and debate with myself for a minute. Which of these roles is least pleasant. That's a tough call. Genetics is scariest, but orthodontist transportation with Socratic discussion making at the same time - that'll get you.

 

Glad you are feeling better. Take care SuperMom!

 

Thanks for the laugh...it is nice to know someone else who has walked that path! The kid never stops philosophizing...even on the way to the orthodontist! He wears out my brain. :D

[Twinmom]

Congratulations! No smack. Let yourself be thrilled, and keep up the good work!

 

Sometimes someone else makes a difference. Not even always a tutor. My son learned shoe tying from a shoe salesman, who had learned to do it upside down and backwards in order to teach kids.

 

Whew! I thought I was the only one! Somehow that shoe tying thing really got to me. So glad to hear someone else's kid learned it from someone random! ;)