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Impish

She's Getting Angry...

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My mom has now called a total of 4x that I haven't responded (2x last mth, 2x in the last wk). And emailed once.

 

I read the email, and listen to the msgs, b/c as I've mentioned before, she meets 5 of 7 criteria to be a sociopath, and I consider her dangerous. She's across country which certainly *does* create a buffer zone, she can't just show up on my doorstep w/out a lot of effort and spending $$, which I don't *think* she would consider me important enough to do...but then again, I've never told her no before.

 

She's getting some p!ssed, according to the vm. Her tone of voice has my stomach doing flips. "This is the THIRD time I've called you, you NEED to call me back!" "Call me back asap!" etc. Trust me, it's the tone, not just the words.

 

I *really* don't want to write her a leave us the heck alone letter b/c it will just cause h@ll to rain down on me...but at the same time, how bad is this going to get? Would it really get worse if I write her a letter, or is it going to get that bad regardless?

 

W/Wolf up for a promo at work, I just really don't want to have to deal w/her right now. I just don't know what I should do. I feel like I'm caught btwn the devil and the deep blue sea...and I'm bleeding and there's sharks in them there waters.

 

I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised to find police at my door one day soon if I don't answer her call. And/or CPS.

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I would send an email indicating you got her messages but at this time you are too busy to do more than send her that message to say you are all well and didn't want her to worry.

 

That is all. it doesn't suck you into a lengthy convo, is not as heated as a leave alone letter but also gives you an additional buffer of ignoring her calls/messages without her resorting to cps/police just to stir it up.

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Problem is, I want this done and over w/...sending her any communication at all just restarts the process, and shows that if she uses a threatening tone, I'll once again come to heel and obey.

 

I just wish she'd leave me alone. I don't want or need some huge dramatic event in my life, esp right now.

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I agree. Send her an email.

 

"Sorry I've missed your calls Mom! Things have been hopping here and I haven't had time to chat. If you need something, email me. Otherwise, I'll try to call for a chat when things slow down here (in my next life)"

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I would send an email indicating you got her messages but at this time you are too busy to do more than send her that message to say you are all well and didn't want her to worry.

 

That is all. it doesn't suck you into a lengthy convo, is not as heated as a leave alone letter but also gives you an additional buffer of ignoring her calls/messages without her resorting to cps/police just to stir it up.

 

the other piece to this is that having sent an email, its easier for the various social service agencies to realize that she is over-reacting at best.....

 

and for your sake, i just wouldn't listen to the messages or look at the emails..... if you mean to be done, you can block her email address and even her phone number.....

 

:grouphug:

ann

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:grouphug::grouphug: Imp, I understand. There is someone in my life with whom it is very hard to set and hold boundaries. :grouphug::grouphug:

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Can you change your phone number? That would send a pretty clear message.

 

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

 

Another preemptive action would be a restraining order--and, if you had to, it would lay a foundation with the authorities IF she called CPS or something like it.

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Thanks for the responses.

 

I find it completely unnerving that her tone of voice can still make me nauseated w/fear. I live across the country, I'm a grown adult, wife, mother...and she can still scare the carp out of me.

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I'd probably send her an email saying "got your message. I will call you [in future time frame]. I hope all is well. If you need anything, please send an email."

 

I started to respond to one of your earlier posts, but deleted it. I don't mean to give you a hard time. And obviously I don't know your mother. But it seems pretty extreme to me to want to be permanently done with your own mother. Also, it is not at all unreasonable for a mother to want to be in contact with her children. It's really a sad thought from the perspective of a mom to think that my kids would be "done with me" before I was done on this planet.

 

You clearly need to work on boundaries; she needs to learn a few things; and you need to feel OK about demanding respect. But I'd let her know you want her to be OK.

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I'd probably send her an email saying "got your message. I will call you [in future time frame]. I hope all is well. If you need anything, please send an email."

 

I started to respond to one of your earlier posts, but deleted it. I don't mean to give you a hard time. And obviously I don't know your mother. But it seems pretty extreme to me to want to be permanently done with your own mother. Also, it is not at all unreasonable for a mother to want to be in contact with her children. It's really a sad thought from the perspective of a mom to think that my kids would be "done with me" before I was done on this planet.

 

You clearly need to work on boundaries; she needs to learn a few things; and you need to feel OK about demanding respect. But I'd let her know you want her to be OK.

Pleae understand, this wasn't an easy decision, nor was it made in haste.

 

If she were a healthy person, able to have healthy relationships, I wouldn't dream of making this decision. She truly isn't capable.

 

If you're not abusive to your kids, there's no reason that they'd be making the decision I'm forced to, so I wouldn't worry about that.

 

You cannot continiously abuse someone and expect them to suck it up forever.

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You cannot continiously abuse someone and expect them to suck it up forever.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

It's not a fun situation to be in. We went the ignoring route, and knew we were really getting to that person when they sent a message that said "I will not tolerater you're ridiculous ignoring of me." We ended up getting the police involved just to get her to stop.

 

When it's a matter of mental illness, they can not recognize what they are doing is wrong or accept consequences without some professional help, and unfortunately it requires that they recognize something is wrong before they can get the help they need. Kind of a catch-22.

 

Just remember, you know her best. If for any reason you feel she is a threat involve the authorities. We went with the no reply because we knew that she would only argue, and replying would feed the beast. If she escalates in frequency have them tell her to stop harassing you - if you are not responding to her then it is truly her harassing you and the police can actually do something.

 

Stay strong, and know that while it is difficult to break the cycle, it can be worth it. Also, save her communication so that if she involves the police or CPS you have some documentation. :grouphug:

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I completely understand what you mean by affecting you now as a grown woman still. I have had recent issues with my father (you can read a recent post of mine regarding legal issues with him) and his voice or anything I read from him can make me feel the same.

 

It is possible for her to do or say anything (like you said- police or CPS- or if she has money to burn, depending on your states laws, she could bring a petition for dependency to family court) so just put together what I called "the superman folder" where you have any and all documentation that may be needed should someone show up on your door step. school, activities the kids are involved in, pediatrician information, a few collateral contacts (friends that would put in a good word for you if someone called), and such.

 

I would send a "I'm busy, but can't talk right now" email. More to CYA rather than get her to stop calling. Put it all in a binder. Every contact, email, phone call, voice mail- transcribe- so whoever comes knocking can quickly view a record of contact. I had a CPS investigator get a very accurate description of the circumstances from a record like this. It really helped the interaction we had with him and set his tone for interaction with my dad. Also, if someone does show up, the way you react says ALOT. I cannot stress this enough. When our investigator showed up (we had an idea he was coming, but no idea when exactly), I greeted him like I knew him, like he was expected to visit our home, and welcomed him in. Transparency and the truth were our only defense in that situation. I know some people will disagree with this stance.

 

Anyway, it may get to the point where she contacts you, you politely ask her to stop, and she wount comply. Then you get a restraining order. I would even go so far as to spend a few hundred dollars, consult an attorney, and get him/her to send a "cease and desist" letter on legal letter head.

 

No fun to deal with. I know.

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When you do call, have a kid or two bribed to start screaming when you give the signal. Then you can quickly cut off the phone call "Ohmigosh, Mom, gotta go bye" and hang up. :D

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For your sanity, I would send her a quick note. I would not include a greeting, nor a signature.

 

"Due to your current attitude toward me and my family, I have decided to take a break from you right now. I will not be responding to any further emails, phone calls or other attempts to contact me. If my feelings change in the future, I will contact you."

 

I am sure it will piss her off more, but at least she might leave you alone.

 

It will also give you a bit of closure on the situation, without having to type out an entire kiss-off letter.

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For your sanity, I would send her a quick note. I would not include a greeting, nor a signature.

 

"Due to your current attitude toward me and my family, I have decided to take a break from you right now. I will not be responding to any further emails, phone calls or other attempts to contact me. If my feelings change in the future, I will contact you."

 

I am sure it will piss her off more, but at least she might leave you alone.

 

It will also give you a bit of closure on the situation, without having to type out an entire kiss-off letter.

Problem is, that would open a whole can of, "what attitude? I don't know what you're talking about..."

 

She never 'knows'. It either didn't happen, she doesn't remember, I'm remembering wrong, I'm too sensitive...the list goes on. The upshot is, she's never done anything wrong, never apologizes, it's always my fault.

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Thanks for the responses.

 

I find it completely unnerving that her tone of voice can still make me nauseated w/fear. I live across the country, I'm a grown adult, wife, mother...and she can still scare the carp out of me.

 

:grouphug: hey, a PICTURE of my grandmother with *that* "smile" can me sick.

 

you need to decide - is this to be a permanent seperation, or temporary space? she's going to huff-and puff regardless. I agree an e-mail or even certified mail letter would be a record you can keep if she does resort to calling cps in blackmail.

 

if permanent, don't pull any punches because only the hardest have a chance of registering.

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Is there any remote chance she's actually calling about something important? Do you have siblings who might be injured or seriously ill? Will you care if your mother becomes seriously ill and the only way you find out is from an obituary? If you have other ways of getting that information (if you care to have it), then I agree, ignore her. If not, I'd set something up to get that information.

 

You could always choose to reply to her email with something terse and then create a folder in your email program that automatically sorts her messages there. Then they're out of your main list and you can view them (or not) as you see fit. Or you can ask Wolf to check it monthly or something.

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Problem is, that would open a whole can of, "what attitude? I don't know what you're talking about..."

 

She never 'knows'. It either didn't happen, she doesn't remember, I'm remembering wrong, I'm too sensitive...the list goes on. The upshot is, she's never done anything wrong, never apologizes, it's always my fault.

 

But then you could just block her and go on about your day. You won't respond, but at least you shouldn't have to worry about CPS or police.

 

I know she doesn't deserve your kindness, and I don't mean it as such. If you let her know to back off, she shouldn't be as worried about you. If you just stop answering without a note, you may get the police at your door to do a welfare check. Without a note, if she thinks you may be dead or something just as heinous, I would expect a visit from the police, cps or God forbid - her.

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Have you decided to end contact for good?

 

Has she been told that you are no longer in contact.

 

If she has, get that restraining order and don't contact her at all.

 

I had to do this with my Grandma, it got worse, and then one day it was done. She was MAD that I had hit my enough point. She tried coming at me from every angle that she could. Then she decided that I was a little B**ch that she didn't want anything to do with, and my life got easier.

 

She had to get to the point in her head that she turned it into her not wanting me. Once that happened she stopped bugging me.

 

Stay strong, if you cave now this is all water you will have to swim through again. You can not change other people, just the way you respond to them.:grouphug:

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I agree with the super-short email for now to keep her off your back (and in case she tries anything with CPS), and then when you find out about Wolf's job, you can make a longer-lasting decision on what to do.

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Didn't you write that sending her a cut -off note would result in her calling Wolf's boss or CPS? If that's still the case, you have no choice but to send her a semi-friendly short message to buy time. "Hey Mom, we're so busy these days! How are you? The kids are doing great. That's for thinking of us."

 

How many weeks do you need until the promotion?

 

I can see wanting to tell her to kiss off now, but then you will have CPS and Wolf's boss to manage as well. If you are up for that, send the final note and nail that coffin.

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I have been there. And to the people who are upset that Imp is "done" with her mother, try to remember the addage of "walking in another's shoes".

 

:grouphug:

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Didn't you write that sending her a cut -off not would result in her calling Wolf's boss or CPS? If that's still the case, you have no choice but to send her a semi-friendly short message to buy time. "Hey Mom, we're so busy these days! How are you? The kids are doing great. That's for thinking of us."

 

How many weeks do you need until the promotion?

 

I can see wanting to tell her to kiss off now, but then you will have CPS and Wolf's boss to manage as well. If you are up for that, send the final note and nail that coffin.

Yeah, I'm debating. It feels like if I give her any attention, she's going to be so much worse...and when I go back to ceasing contact, she's going to be harder to deal w/, b/c now she's figured out that if she does x,y,z, it produces results.

 

I think we're going to just change our number.

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Thanks for understanding, Katherine.

 

I never wanted this situation. I just don't have any other options now. I need to protect not only myself, but my kids.

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Yeah, I'm debating. It feels like if I give her any attention, she's going to be so much worse...and when I go back to ceasing contact, she's going to be harder to deal w/, b/c now she's figured out that if she does x,y,z, it produces results.

 

I think we're going to just change our number.

 

 

I hope you get to move soon! That would really be the easiest way out of this for you. I understand about not wanting to give her any attention, but how tenacious is she? Will she just keep after you, and then move on to family members trying to figure out what is wrong? It doesn't seem like she will get the hint in any subtle way. It doesn't sound like she will get the hint in any NON-subtle way either so I guess it may not matter. LOL

 

Only you know how your mom works, I am certain you will figure out the best thing to do.

 

Have you talked to any family members about it?

 

Sorry you have to go through this!

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I think you can only understand what the OP is going through if you have dealt with a sociopath or someone with NPD.

It is truly unbelievable how bad a person can be unless you've experienced it.

I would write her an email telling her to leave you alone form now on. That you no longer want any contact with her.

Then - block her emails. Do not look back. Do not ask other family members what is going on..... Seriously. You have to not do that for yourself.

If you can block her calls, do that as well. I was able to have AT&T block all calls and texts from my sister.

If you are on Facebook, you need to un-friend anyone who she has 'friended' - just explain you don't want her to see your posts.

Sadly, you also need to stop communicating with anyone who tries to take her side, acts as a "spy" for her, talks to you about her. That is probably the hardest part.

I have done this all, it's been two years.

It was very hard at first, but after about a six months, I was so happy I did it.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I hope you get to move soon! That would really be the easiest way out of this for you. I understand about not wanting to give her any attention, but how tenacious is she? Will she just keep after you, and then move on to family members trying to figure out what is wrong? It doesn't seem like she will get the hint in any subtle way. It doesn't sound like she will get the hint in any NON-subtle way either so I guess it may not matter. LOL

 

Only you know how your mom works, I am certain you will figure out the best thing to do.

 

Have you talked to any family members about it?

Sorry you have to go through this!

There's no family to talk to about it. None of us sibs talk to ea other...I've discovered that she's deliberately lied to ea of us to keep us apart.

 

I don't honestly know if she'll give up any time soon. She loses her mind when told no...esp w/me, for some reason. My brothers, she tolerates them telling her no (while running to all and sundry for sympathy and to tell her tales of woe), but w/me, she has no problem going for broke. No brakes at all.

I think you can only understand what the OP is going through if you have dealt with a sociopath or someone with NPD.

It is truly unbelievable how bad a person can be unless you've experienced it.

I would write her an email telling her to leave you alone form now on. That you no longer want any contact with her.

Then - block her emails. Do not look back. Do not ask other family members what is going on..... Seriously. You have to not do that for yourself.

If you can block her calls, do that as well. I was able to have AT&T block all calls and texts from my sister.

If you are on Facebook, you need to un-friend anyone who she has 'friended' - just explain you don't want her to see your posts.

Sadly, you also need to stop communicating with anyone who tries to take her side, acts as a "spy" for her, talks to you about her. That is probably the hardest part.

I have done this all, it's been two years.

It was very hard at first, but after about a six months, I was so happy I did it.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I don't have anyone in my life that could be used as a go btwn. I'm going to talk to Wolf about changing our ph#...but I'm really worried about her being able to track down his work/boss and attempt to screw him that way.

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I don't honestly know if she'll give up any time soon. She loses her mind when told no...esp w/me, for some reason. My brothers, she tolerates them telling her no .

.

 

My grandmother treated my brother WAY different than my mother, sister or myself. I know it was because he was male, and we weren't. something to think about.

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My grandmother treated my brother WAY different than my mother, sister or myself. I know it was because he was male, and we weren't. something to think about.

I don't doubt that there's an element of gender preference happening.

 

I've been told before the whole, "A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life"...and it comes across as being threatening. She can say and do anything she likes, and I'm to suck it up, but w/my brothers, she's far more careful...she blames their wives for any issues.

 

It's just such a dramatic contrast, if ykwim. Seems like there ought to be more to it than gender...but probably not.

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I would send an email indicating you got her messages but at this time you are too busy to do more than send her that message to say you are all well and didn't want her to worry.

 

That is all. it doesn't suck you into a lengthy convo, is not as heated as a leave alone letter but also gives you an additional buffer of ignoring her calls/messages without her resorting to cps/police just to stir it up.

 

Do this. Doing nothing will just cause her to call more. Doing something pleasant like this will at least let her know you are ok.

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It's really a sad thought from the perspective of a mom to think that my kids would be "done with me" before I was done on this planet.

 

 

This bothers me too. If they saw it, it might be a viable option to do it. Reaping what you sow and all that. I read a whole long letter online about this very thing once. The woman so regretted cutting off her now-dead mother.

 

I dunno.

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I am so sad for you. My own mother's mother is a crazy sociopath and HAS caused damage to most of her children by lying. I cannot imagine.

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This bothers me too. If they saw it, it might be a viable option to do it. Reaping what you sow and all that. I read a whole long letter online about this very thing once. The woman so regretted cutting off her now-dead mother.

 

I dunno.

Here's the thing that you seem to be missing:

 

This was NOT an easy decision. At all. I wish it could be different. But unless and until you deal w/a sociopath, you really can't understand how this decision can be the only option you have, to keep both yourself and your children safe.

 

This isn't a matter of simply disagreeing on something. This is a matter of ongoing manipulation and abuse. Lies, and threats, and manipulation. Dealing w/someone that has no problem threatening you w/CPS simply b/c you disagree w/them or are making moves to extricate yourself from them.

 

You truly don't understand how dangerous and cruel a person whose a sociopath can be. Count yourself lucky. Very, very lucky.

 

I'd give anything not to be making this choice. I've *tried* everything to keep it from getting to this point. I've forgiven past issues that I could have involved the police in. I've made excuses, time and again, for her behaviour. Over and over again, I've blamed myself for her actions. If only I were a better dd, if only I hadn't moved so far away, if only, if only, if only.

 

Finally, I've educated myself on the situation, and realized that you simply can NOT have a healthy relationship w/someone like this. Any attempts to discuss issues are met w/"That didn't happen" or "You're remembering wrong" or "I don't remember that" or "You're too sensitive" or, "We are NOT discussing this!"

 

Never, ever, is there any acknowledgement of her making a mistake, being at fault, nada. Ever. It's ALWAYS something wrong w/me. You cannot possibly have a healthy relationship w/someone that insists they never do anything wrong, that it's always everyone else that is the problem. It just cannot be done.

 

And you cannot continously live in fear that if you p!ss her off, she's going to call CPS or the police on you to make you get back in line. Or call your dh's work to cause trouble. Nobody should have to live that way.

 

I know my kids are witnessing this. And I sincerely hope, that if nothing else, they learn that NOBODY has the right to abuse them, related or not. That they are worthy of being treated w/respect.

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Didn't you write that sending her a cut -off note would result in her calling Wolf's boss or CPS? If that's still the case, you have no choice but to send her a semi-friendly short message to buy time. "Hey Mom, we're so busy these days! How are you? The kids are doing great. That's for thinking of us."

 

How many weeks do you need until the promotion?

 

I can see wanting to tell her to kiss off now, but then you will have CPS and Wolf's boss to manage as well. If you are up for that, send the final note and nail that coffin.

:iagree:Send the short semi-friendly email. Then when the promotion comes along and you move again, don't send your new addy or your phone number to her.

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My mom has now called a total of 4x that I haven't responded (2x last mth, 2x in the last wk). And emailed once.

 

I read the email, and listen to the msgs, b/c as I've mentioned before, she meets 5 of 7 criteria to be a sociopath, and I consider her dangerous. She's across country which certainly *does* create a buffer zone, she can't just show up on my doorstep w/out a lot of effort and spending $$, which I don't *think* she would consider me important enough to do...but then again, I've never told her no before.

 

She's getting some p!ssed, according to the vm. Her tone of voice has my stomach doing flips. "This is the THIRD time I've called you, you NEED to call me back!" "Call me back asap!" etc. Trust me, it's the tone, not just the words.

 

I *really* don't want to write her a leave us the heck alone letter b/c it will just cause h@ll to rain down on me...but at the same time, how bad is this going to get? Would it really get worse if I write her a letter, or is it going to get that bad regardless?

 

W/Wolf up for a promo at work, I just really don't want to have to deal w/her right now. I just don't know what I should do. I feel like I'm caught btwn the devil and the deep blue sea...and I'm bleeding and there's sharks in them there waters.

 

I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised to find police at my door one day soon if I don't answer her call. And/or CPS.

 

I deal with a malignant narcissist and have gone no contact. I can tell you that they are very aware when they are being ignored or avoided. It drives them more insane than what is usual. Since your mom could call for a welfare check or cps, I'd send her a short email just telling her that you are working on simplifying and de-stressing your life and for the time being, that means limiting contact and that you hope she will respect your decision. Short and sweet. Be prepared though, she will explode with venom.

 

Narcissists will not tolerate anyone telling them no or setting boundaries. This is where you just ignore, ignore, ignore. IF she calls and is civil, let her leave message, then send a short email but keep it short. Never respond to anything that is mean or intended to insult you. Keep it very dull and generic. That way you don't give her any info and you ease out of the situation-at least that is the hope. I would avoid talking to her. Just keep it to short emails. This isn't a full no contact but it is getting there. What you want to do is keep her from going into full-blown crazy mode while your dh is going through the job thing. Make it very boring for her to contact you. Narcissists want to create drama for others because they are so insecure. That is why you never tell her anything remotely drama-like or that she could distort (which means just about everything). Just send occasional (don't respond to every call or email) emails and be a broken record--"So nice of you to call, been busy, everything is fine. Hope your well. Bye." Be consistent. If you lose it and engage even just once, you are back to square 1.

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for those having trouble with this, the first half of Scott Peck's "People of the Lie" helped me understand in a new way.... googling narcissistic mother may help, too, but the people of the lie gave examples in a way that opened my eyes....

 

:grouphug::grouphug:imp.... short, sweet, infrequent.....

ann

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:iagree:Send the short semi-friendly email. Then when the promotion comes along and you move again, don't send your new addy or your phone number to her.

 

:iagree:

This is the plan I'd go with.

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Narcissists will not tolerate anyone telling them no or setting boundaries. This is where you just ignore, ignore, ignore. IF she calls and is civil, let her leave message, then send a short email but keep it short. Never respond to anything that is mean or intended to insult you. Keep it very dull and generic. That way you don't give her any info and you ease out of the situation-at least that is the hope. I would avoid talking to her. Just keep it to short emails. This isn't a full no contact but it is getting there. What you want to do is keep her from going into full-blown crazy mode while your dh is going through the job thing. Make it very boring for her to contact you. Narcissists want to create drama for others because they are so insecure. That is why you never tell her anything remotely drama-like or that she could distort (which means just about everything). Just send occasional (don't respond to every call or email) emails and be a broken record--"So nice of you to call, been busy, everything is fine. Hope your well. Bye." Be consistent. If you lose it and engage even just once, you are back to square 1.

 

Count me in for the keep things boring route and if by sending something as generic as this might buy you some time, then it might be worth it in the long run.

 

My Mother's father was not near as terrible as this. When he got cancer and was dying she tried to make amends and invested a lot of emotional energy and time into him. She thought she was doing the "right" thing only to find out after he died that nothing had changed and that he got his one last chance to inflict more pain on her in his will.

 

I am not of the belief that one's genetic material entitles them to a relationship with you. You would not persist in a relationship like this if it was a friend and I see no reason to continue on just because it's your mother. No one can know what it's really like until they've been in your shoes.

 

Sending you love and light as I'm afraid there are likely no good solutions until the promotion business is finished. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

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I get it. :grouphug:

 

Either send her a short email to try to reduce the possibility of her calling police/cps/whatever. Or just change your number & be done with it.

 

I'm so sorry, Imp. :grouphug:

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Have you read the books about setting boundaries called Boundaries? When you first start setting boundaries, things get worse for a time. They certainly did with my mom. When I first began establishing boundaries, the number of times she called increased dramatically. The vile things she would say, the threats she would make, all increased dramatically. It took months, but then she realized I was not going to change my way. Those months were miserable because she pulled every stunt she could have pulled to get my attention. Eventually she backed down some. But it took a lot of time. Right now I am having to build new, different boundaries with her and she is not holding back any venom. I just have to keep standing strong. I don't return calls if I know she is on one of her rants. I don't answer the phone if she is calling. If she leaves a message, I will listen to it if it is nice, if not I stop it and delete it. If she begins a rant, I remind her I am not listening to it and if it continues, I hang up without further warning. She is NOT allowed inside of my home. I do not answer emails unless friendly. I do not give her personal information or details unless absolutely necessary.

 

You can do this. If you don't have to listen to the messages. You don't have to answer the phone. If your life is ok, and your home is ok, then who cares if she calls the police or CPS? If they can't find anything wrong, they will tell her. And if she begins being a nuisance, they will also begin ignoring her. Will it be another annoyance for you? Yes, but this too shall pass.

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This bothers me too. If they saw it, it might be a viable option to do it. Reaping what you sow and all that. I read a whole long letter online about this very thing once. The woman so regretted cutting off her now-dead mother.

 

I dunno.

 

This kind of thinking just doesn't fit when your mother is a narcissist or a sociopath. To continue implying that it does is just hurtful. I imagine Impish has been dealing with being told how horrible of a daughter she is for her whole life. At some point it becomes a matter of survival as an emotionally intact human being.

 

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn.

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I agree with the short email. "Got your messages. We are all well but very busy. If you need to reach me, email is the best way for me these days."

 

If she continues contact, I would resend this exact wording at the first of every month, making note of the date in your file. This will show CPS or law enforcement or whoever that you are in contact, but that you have instituted previously explained boundaries.

 

I can't remember what business Wolf is in, but after his job transfer stuff settles down a bit, would it be appropriate for you to contact the HR person for his company and calmly let them know that you have a family member with mental illness and boundary issues who may possibly try to cause trouble and drama by making alarming phone calls?

 

I would tell them that I would appreciate it if they could place a note in his file to the effect that in the event of unusual calls, that they should not be taken by surprise, but follow whatever their normal company protocol is for this type of thing. You just wanted to give them a head's up so that they would be prepared. The more calm and professional you are, the less impact any call will have.

 

It is great that some posters here have never experienced this degree of mental illness and cannot imagine taking the actions you have been forced to take. However, it is certainly inappropriate for them to second guess your actions and to undermine your position by interjecting their inexperienced opinions regarding the situation. Please don't waste one drop of mental energy on answering their criticisms. Take your cues from those who have BTDT. They are the ones who can give you perspective and real-life counsel.

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I'm sorry, but I agree with LL and Chucki.

 

Here's the thing that you seem to be missing:

 

This was NOT an easy decision. At all. I wish it could be different. But unless and until you deal w/a sociopath, you really can't understand how this decision can be the only option you have, to keep both yourself and your children safe.

<snip>

I know my kids are witnessing this. And I sincerely hope, that if nothing else, they learn that NOBODY has the right to abuse them, related or not. That they are worthy of being treated w/respect.

 

 

No, I get it. I do. However, what I also *know* is that ignoring her will only agitate the situation. She'll hire a private detective, she'll call the police and file a missing persons report, she'll call CPS, she'll sue for grandparents rights, etc. She'll do any or all of those things, even if you move and don't give her your info.

 

Sending brief notes as opposed to seeing you or talking to you might not make her less annoyed, but it will likely keep social services and the police off of your back.

 

eta: Just to be clear-I don't think you owe her anything. I think you owe yourself the easiest path possible. Personally, I think the above is the easier path. JMO.

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This bothers me too. If they saw it, it might be a viable option to do it. Reaping what you sow and all that. I read a whole long letter online about this very thing once. The woman so regretted cutting off her now-dead mother.

 

I dunno.

 

Actually, Imp's mother is the one who is reaping that which she has sown. She plowed spite and venom into her daughter's life. The natural consequence harvest of such treatment is noncontact. OTOH, Imp is teaching her children that people must treat each other with civility and respect if they wish to interact with each other. She is educating them that abuse is not to be tolerated and that they are worthy of respect and worthy of being protected from harm. I certainly hope they do see such behaviors as viable.

 

While the one person who wrote the online letter you read might have regretted her choice, none of us know her circumstances. Certainly, Imp grieves for the mother that she did not have, for the nurturing relationship that was denied to her by the woman who gave birth to her, for a grandmother for her children, for happy family holiday visits - for a "normal" life. I'm sure she regrets terribly that these things didn't, don't, and can't happen. But permitting her mother's heinous behavior to continue will not restore any of these gaps. Continuing contact with someone who is not mentally capable of civil interaction will only heap more pain onto Imp's head and start the process of piling it onto the heads of her children.

 

How could you possibly condone the continuing spread of such sickness and pain? Imp honors her mother by not demanding retribution for the crimes she has committed, by not teaching the grandchildren to hate her but merely explaining to them that their grandmother has an illness, by having repeatedly turned the other cheek despite the enormity of many of the injustices perpetrated against her.

 

Yes, it is terribly sad when a child has to take such action against a parent. But there are times and circumstances where noncontact is the best, most humane thing to do. And I believe this is one of them.

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This kind of thinking just doesn't fit when your mother is a narcissist or a sociopath. To continue implying that it does is just hurtful. I imagine Impish has been dealing with being told how horrible of a daughter she is for her whole life. At some point it becomes a matter of survival as an emotionally intact human being.

 

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn.

:iagree: the kindest thing I can say about those telling those with a sociopath or NPD (other pd) for a mother that they need to be tolerant/understanding/a-forgiving-christian is that they are completely clueless about what they are saying. I must also ask them if they knew a child was being physically beaten everyday if they'd tell that child they needed to be "understanding"? emotional abuse *is* abuse that scars, it just leaves no visible marks.

 

eta: my grandmother was BPD - unless you erect firm boundaries or sever contact, it continues with each family member in contact until the day the -pd person dies. (iow: her mother will do this to Imp's children too if given the chance) and there are scars left behind. It takes guts to cut these people off, but sometimes that's what it takes.

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Hey Imp,

 

Praying for you and Wolf. This is hard, I know. Someone suggested that I read the Boundaries book also. I ordered all of them Boundaries in dating, with kids, with teens, in marriage, etc. LOL. They are good. Just wish my mum was across the country. Mine is 32 minutes away. Less if she speeds.

God bless.

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Have you read the books about setting boundaries called Boundaries? .

 

I think she's already tried doing that.

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:grouphug: Imp, praying for you. Unless you have been the child on the other end of a narcissistic mother then it's hard to understand. I really really thought it was all my fault until I found out about NPD.

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