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Can I cry for a moment?


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I haven't spoken to my father since the day Digby was born, so three years. I didn't even want to talk to him then, but he was giving my mother grief, so I accepted the phone. :glare:

 

He is so completely narcissistic (not sure if he qualifies for NPD, but he's a narcissist regardless). I've known my entire life growing up that he has only two loves in his life: himself and his money.

 

Anyway, their divorce was finalized two and a half years ago. Ever since then, he sends me birthday cards and Christmas cards. They always make me cry. Always pretends like there's nothing wrong, doesn't acknowledge the fact that I don't want to talk to him, pretends like we're buddy-buddy. He never gave a d*mn about birthdays or Christmas when I was growing up; why does he keep trying now? He was always the world's biggest jerk; why is he pretending he's such a good father?

 

Anyway, my mom had to see him recently. She found out that he's remarried. It doesn't really affect me any, I have no intention of ever talking with him again, so obviously I wouldn't have to ever see his new wife. So why do I feel like I just got punched in the gut?

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So why do I feel like I just got punched in the gut?

 

Because it's something you SHOULD be able to share with a parent if you had a normal, healthy relationship. You're grieving the loss of that. It's understandable.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry you don't have the father you want.

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I haven't spoken to my father since the day Digby was born, so three years. I didn't even want to talk to him then, but he was giving my mother grief, so I accepted the phone. :glare:

 

He is so completely narcissistic (not sure if he qualifies for NPD, but he's a narcissist regardless). I've known my entire life growing up that he has only two loves in his life: himself and his money.

 

Anyway, their divorce was finalized two and a half years ago. Ever since then, he sends me birthday cards and Christmas cards. They always make me cry. Always pretends like there's nothing wrong, doesn't acknowledge the fact that I don't want to talk to him, pretends like we're buddy-buddy. He never gave a d*mn about birthdays or Christmas when I was growing up; why does he keep trying now? He was always the world's biggest jerk; why is he pretending he's such a good father?

 

Anyway, my mom had to see him recently. She found out that he's remarried. It doesn't really affect me any, I have no intention of ever talking with him again, so obviously I wouldn't have to ever see his new wife. So why do I feel like I just got punched in the gut?

 

Because he is still your father, and on some deep level, it still matters. You'll be an old, gray-haired lady of 90 some day, and it will still matter.

 

He isn't trying to pretend he's a good father; he knows he screwed up big time and is hoping for some scrap of a connection. He also knows he doesn't have forever, and can't go back and fix anything.

 

So my advice from way down the road, with father long dead? Be the bigger person. The person who forgives has the power.

 

Take it from me: everyone is dead soon enough. Show whatever grace you can and you will be glad later.

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:grouphug: It is hard, divorce is hard, change is hard. I didn't have much a relationship with my father for years after my parents divorced. It has been hard work to get to a new "normal." His remarriage was also very hard for me to accept. Time does make it hurt less. :grouphug:

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Because he is still your father, and on some deep level, it still matters. You'll be an old, gray-haired lady of 90 some day, and it will still matter.

 

He isn't trying to pretend he's a good father; he knows he screwed up big time and is hoping for some scrap of a connection. He also knows he doesn't have forever, and can't go back and fix anything.

 

So my advice from way down the road, with father long dead? Be the bigger person. The person who forgives has the power.

 

Take it from me: everyone is dead soon enough. Show whatever grace you can and you will be glad later.

 

With all due respect, the bolded is completely untrue. In his mind, nothing is EVER his fault, he is NEVER wrong and everyone else must pay. The same is true with the cards; he didn't do anything wrong, so he can pretend like nothing ever happened. This is not me throwing a hissy fit because he made me mad. He did some truly evil things that made me ashamed to even be related to him.

 

I can forgive him someday, but I don't know how. I have tried for the last 2 1/2 years to just pretend like he doesn't exist.

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With all due respect, the bolded is completely untrue. In his mind, nothing is EVER his fault, he is NEVER wrong and everyone else must pay. The same is true with the cards; he didn't do anything wrong, so he can pretend like nothing ever happened..

 

If he is NPD then this is absolutely true. If he's like my MIL he sends cards as a show and because it makes HIM feel good about himself.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I watch my dh moving farther and farther away emotionally from his mom. I have a feeling that by the time she passes he will have already grieved all he's going to. He's mourned the absence of the relationship he should have had with her for years. You can't dwell on it though or it will eat you up. (He says) You have to accept that it is the way it is and strive to live an exceptional life despite the "way it should have been".

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Because you are seeing the world through normal compassionate eyes. :grouphug:

 

He doesn't think he did anything wrong - it is always someone else's fault

He probably truly doesn't remember the things he did (which was a weird thing to come to grips with about narcissism)

And it is all about window dressing and making him look good, never about a real relationship

 

Narcissists have a way of making you feel like the crazy one. :grouphug:

 

eta: I am sure you know this but just a reminder that forgive doesn't mean trust him or let him in, EVER. Forgiving is about your peace - turning it over to Heavenly Father to be the judge. I hope you can somehow find that peace and get him out of your head once and for all. :grouphug:

Edited by jcooperetc
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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Just a thought about the cards. My dad who is wonderful guy compared yours, would never send cards on his own, but would always if he was in a relationship. Since he remarried several years ago, I always get great cards. It could be the wife, or the image he's trying to convey to the new wife that's driving this.

 

I agree with forgiving. Sorry I can't seem to quote what I want - just not talented enough with quoting.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Just a thought about the cards. My dad who is wonderful guy compared yours, would never send cards on his own, but would always if he was in a relationship. Since he remarried several years ago, I always get great cards. It could be the wife, or the image he's trying to convey to the new wife that's driving this.

 

I agree with forgiving. Sorry I can't seem to quote what I want - just not talented enough with quoting.

 

Excellent point. She could be the *well meaning* catalyst here.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Just wanted to send a hug.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Just a thought about the cards. My dad who is wonderful guy compared yours, would never send cards on his own, but would always if he was in a relationship. Since he remarried several years ago, I always get great cards. It could be the wife, or the image he's trying to convey to the new wife that's driving this.

 

I agree with forgiving. Sorry I can't seem to quote what I want - just not talented enough with quoting.

 

Thanks. I suppose it's possible. The last time he dragged my mom to court (because he thinks the original judge and every judge since then has gotten it wrong :glare:) he wanted our graduation pictures. She scanned them and gave him a digital copy, then he wanted copies of every other picture too. I'm sure there's thousands of those. The judge denied that motion since it wasn't in the original decree. To me it just seems odd. He didn't care about them 2 1/2 years ago and now suddenly he wants them? I think he wants to show off or something. It all just makes me mad.

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With all due respect, the bolded is completely untrue. In his mind, nothing is EVER his fault, he is NEVER wrong and everyone else must pay. The same is true with the cards; he didn't do anything wrong, so he can pretend like nothing ever happened. This is not me throwing a hissy fit because he made me mad. He did some truly evil things that made me ashamed to even be related to him.

 

I can forgive him someday, but I don't know how. I have tried for the last 2 1/2 years to just pretend like he doesn't exist.

 

I wonder if the new wife is sending the cards? Or prompting the card-sending?

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