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I feel sick...

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Just had a very bad conversation with my ex. Him claiming that he is a better parent and wanting ds13 to live with him so that he can get a proper education, how homeschooling is causing his issues etc. Ds13 does not want to live with his dad. His dad was absent for 10 years, he has only been having visits for the last year, for 6 months as day visits, and now 6 months with over nights, though nothing routine. He made some very hurtful comments about me and my parenting etc. Blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage(including his drinking and his absense from the kids for 10 years), I cheated on him 1 time in the marriage, he threw that in my face. Claiming he was going to get full custody of ds13 and joint with dd12 etc.


At the end of his tirade I calmly reminded him of why I left the marriage, the verbal abuse, the drinking, and at the very end the night he hit me in the head and raped me. He of course flipped out, denied it all, claimed he is calling CPS today to tell them I am hurting the kids, getting a lawyer to take both kids away from me for good etc.


I know he has no leg to stand on, but I still feel sick about it. My parents told me to retain a lawyer today, they will pay for it, just to have this divorce finally done and custody again established (We have a current legal custody agreement). Our current custody agreement is very fair imo for s jerk like him. I have sole legal and physical custody, visitation is open and generous. So no set weekends, just when it works for us both. Other terms he can not leave the city without written consent(which he does every visit since I no longer live there, but I have never given written consent), no alcohol 24 hours before a visit or during, I do not need his signature to travel with the kids etc. He pays me the minimal of support for his given income, very little help with extracurrics etc.


I know in the end the judge will side with me, things will stay the staus quo because a) it is in the best interests of the child and b) it is what the kids want. But I sure as heck don't need this stress.


If he had talked to me about taking ds on a trial basis next year to see if it helped I may have considered it, but he came at it right away of he knows what is best for my son, that I am messing him up. And then saying "I am not saying you are a bad mom but..." I am not saying you aren't teaching him but..." "I am not whatever but..."


Anyway, my parents are paying for my new lawyer to get this divorce done and push the custody through as it stands. Both kids want to keep living here, and the way we are homeschooling next year actually in the legal sense makes them part-time public schoolers so he can't even use homeschooling against me.


I just got off the phone with the lawyer, he agrees with me and is sure a judge will. Because I already have legal custody that ex signed off on years ago it will be harder for him to have it changed than if I didn't. After all it has been the way it is for the last 11 years. He would have to prove how me having sole custody is a detriment to the kids particularily in light of his decade long absence in their lives. In the end I know it will work out in their best interests, but until the divorce is finally over and he once again has it in front of him that he is not getting custody this will not end.


Then I just have to get through the next 5 yrs until dd12 hits 18 and I can limit contact with him to their weddings and other major events.

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I am sorry you're going through this! My ex pulled the same stuff when our boys were about 4 & 2 years old. Nothing ever came of it. In his case, he was saying he was going to get custody b/c he was having a hard time paying child support AND paying for his drugs (not a lie).


Hang in there hon. I remember feeling sick to my stomach too, but any decent judge would see right through the bull-crap. Really, it'll be ok! Plus, your ds is 13, I think in some states he has a big say at that age where HE wants to live. You might want to check that out.

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I know here in the states most of the time when the kid is 12 or 13 he gets a say in where he wants to live. A good judge will take that into consideration to avoid a run-away situation.


Didn't you mention that xh has a new girlfriend? Maybe it is her pushing for more contact. If not, sorry to confuse you with someone else.



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Okay, I'm no therapist, but here my take on it. It sounds like your xh is making you the target for all his guilt. Sometimes x spouses do this when the other spouse is doing a really great job with the parenting. They try to tear the other apart to make them feel better about themselves.


My own xh did this to me throughout our ten year marriage regarding our children. Then he acted out again years later because he felt guilty that I'm the one raising our biological gdd (dh of 18 yrs and I adopted her when she was a baby)....I think my xh felt guilty that we were the ones making the huge sacrifices and not him, which of course made us look better.


So really, in a sick kind of way this might be your xh's way of recognizing that you are doing a MUCH better job than he is. And like someone else hinted at, it may be to make himself look good to the new girlfriend. But in reality, I bet that everything he's saying to you is really how he feels about himself.




Edited by HSMom2One
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Thanks everyone!


I do think his live in girlfriend is partly to do with it. She has been with him for years but I know she is the reason he started having any contact a year ago and has been very good to the kids. BUT she can not have children of her own. I suspect this is her way of playing mommy. My ex never gave a hoot about the kids even during our marriage, so I know it is not out of true concern.


I also know for him it is a control thing. LIke wanted to keep me his wife so I could not move on (as I would not get into a serious relationship while still married) while he had a live in girlfriend too.He has always hated that I homeschool and wanted to force the kids back into ps, even after ds planned his suicide at age 7 ex thought I should have left him in school to learn to deal with it.


FUnnily before all heck broke loose in the talk I had outlined my plan for the big kids regarding the future and high school. Next year they are doing 60% of their classes via online learning with our school board, legally they would be part time public schoolers, the next year they will take approx 80% online. This is with the goal of them either doing 100% cyber school for high school or a b&m school. (graduation and subsequent college applications are very finicky in my province, no parent made transcripts if your kid is going into college, a real diploma from the gov't if going into the trades). Easing in gradually so they adjust to the new demands before high school etc, all very well thought out, planned with the curric coordinator of the school board etc. Ex then announces ds will never go to high school, never graduate etc because gf has explained the special needs classroom to him (she works as a SLP laison with the school) and his level indicates that ds could never do high school. 5 minutes later he is off on a rant about how ds is perfectly normal and it is just my parenting making him act out.


Can't have it both ways. The truth of the matter is that ds has significant delays that led the ps system to label him as unteachable, and yet he is almost caught up to grade level in all subjects and will be ready to enter high school with his peers (high school here is grades 10-12) and graduate on time with added supports as he goes along.


I dare him to stand up in front of a judge and tell him he wants to have custody to send him to school where he will not graduate instead of leaving him where he is homeschooling on target to get his provincial high school diploma. That would be fun to watch ;)


Since I now have a lawyer (well now that I have a divorce lawyer I actually have 3 of them :001_huh: 1 for ds8's accident, 1 for my bankruptcy and now 1 for my divorce) I am feeling more sane. I suspect he will play dirty and I will be ready for anything he throws at me, but this will get done and over with one way or another.


Okay long winded enough. Let's hope by my birthday next year I am donemy bankruptcy, divorced and ds8's settlement is or close to being so.

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