ravinlunachick Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) I could use some advice. I get together with some friends for a weekly game night. I've known these people for over a decade, and they are typically kind and considerate folks. However, this past week, one guy was doing poorly in the game, and he made a joke about belonging "on the short bus," complete with spastic movements of his arm and a moan. Everyone else laughed very loudly and found that hysterical. I felt like I'd been kicked in the chest; I couldn't breathe, and it was all I could do to keep from crying at the moment. All I could think was, "My little guy is going to be ON that short bus in a few months!" :crying: I admit, I chickened out and didn't say anything at the time. It's really weighing heavily on my heart, though, and I know I'll need to say something when we're together next week. I could use advice for how to approach it. I've been in tears for days over it. They don't really know my son, although a few of them have met him very briefly. They *do* know, though, that he's autistic, and 2 of the ones who laughed so hard know that he can't speak. He doesn't have spastic arm movements, but some of his little friends do. My ds hums and flaps his hands; I could easily see that being used as a "joke" by ignorant people too. :( I have to believe that this is simply a case of know better, do better. It's my job to speak for my son and all the other kids on the short bus....to point out that they are NOT fodder for jokes, and that something that seems like "just an expression" is really and truly mocking their disabilities and struggles. I'm sure that these people will be horrified to know how hurtful that was, and they'll be sorry. I know I'll probably cry, too, while talking, which I guess will be a mixed bag. It will be humiliating, but at least they'll see that their words have power, you know? What would you do/say? *************************************************** UPDATE I did it. I happened to be late to the game last night, and they'd already started before I got there. I apologized in advance for killing the mood, but said I simply had to get something off my chest. I reminded the guy of what he'd said, and I explained why it hurt me and why I couldn't respond at the time. I told him and the others that I knew they were good people who probably had never considered how hurtful that expression was. The guy was complete understanding, as were the others who had laughed. He said that he had noticed how quiet I became immediately afterwards, and he was afraid that he'd hurt my feelings somehow, but he was too chicken to ask outright. Another guy pointed out that the "short bus" slur is really common, and to most everyone, it's "just a joke". I replied that my son and his friends are NOT a joke, and their disabilities are not fodder for jokes either. That shut him right up. He then said, "You know, you're among friends here, and none of us would ever knowingly hurt you or your son." Everyone apologized, and I told them I forgive them. I just asked that they please remember in the future, and maybe they can speak up when someone else uses it or the r-word. I cried. I boo-hoo cried and sobbed when I first started talking, but it was okay in the end, and I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. :) Thanks for all the support here. Edited June 19, 2012 by ravinlunachick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarolineN Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I think the time to respond has passed. I would, however, have a response prepared for the next time anyone says that. I have just said my son's classmates ride the short bus and that usually works. I strongly suspect your friends didn't even think of your child when they were making their "joke", especially if they don't interact with him often. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I think the time to respond has passed. I would, however, have a response prepared for the next time anyone says that. I have just said my son's classmates ride the short bus and that usually works. I strongly suspect your friends didn't even think of your child when they were making their "joke", especially if they don't interact with him often. :grouphug: I agree. :grouphug: If it ever happens again, why not start with what you said in your first sentence? "Wait. I've known you all for over a decade and I know you to be kind and considerate people. How did disabled children become a funny topic in this group? It's not funny. My own child is your target, and he's not a joke. Can we let this type of 'humor' stop right here?" If they are decent people they'll take the rebuke, apologize, and that will be the end. If they get on your case for being "sensitive," find new card-playing buddies. How awful. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 The "next time" may be different enough that a prepared reply that would have worked this time may not fit--and you may be feeling bad still for a long time while waiting. I think in that situation I would consider calling the person who made the joke privately and explaining you son's situation and that you are feeling sad, and do not know what to do, but wonder if he could help you if there are any "next times" in the group. That way you might have someone who is not as emotionally involved alert to helping stop a future such joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) I don't think people connect it with the children they know. The joke has been around so long, it's just there. But, it would be completely appropriate to come up with a *well-thought and gentle response. *I have found that these ressponses do take a long time to compose. [Edit to cut down on cyber-footprint] The whole situation was surely horrible for you though. It is so hard, especially in the first years of a new diagnosis to not want to cry. Seeing other kids do things your child cannot, hearing careless comments, it's all just hard.:grouphug: Edited June 14, 2012 by MomatHWTK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I disagree with waiting if you know these people well. If this has happened only once in a number of years, you may not see it happen again for a long time. If you know them, I would send a short email with what you said here, letting them know how it hurt your feelings and how you consider it to be out of character for them. Really, just rewording what you said in the first post I thinik would be very effective. You could also confront them in person, and I have over some things that have happened to my children, but unless you can keep your emotions somewhat under control, I would think that an email is fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 You could email like pps have said. If not, next time tell him not to worry, Boy will keep him company. Matter of fact, kind delivery, with a hint of 'you big jerk' ought to do the trick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I can only share my BTDT..... While one would hope that the people who you spend time with would "get it"......a lot of them don't and won't. In my experience, advocating for those with special needs has led to me having to let go of some friendships. I'd choose my words wisely.....and based on your situation, I would think that the time to say something has passed. For everyone else, they have already forgotten about things. I'm not saying you *shouldn't* say something, I'm just warning that you may not get the response you would hope for. Rather than confronting directly (although I like Tibbie's response for in the moment), I think I'd share some stories about your son--fun, family stories--but ones that clue everyone in to the fact that you have a "short bus" kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 At the time I would have given him The Look and said, "Excuse me?" in The Tone. Now that the moment has passed, I'm not sure what I'd do. I don't even know if I could continue with the friendship. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravinlunachick Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Thanks for the replies. :) Email isn't an option. I could call the guy who said it, but I also feel like those who laughed should know they were hurtful as well. I'm not up for doing this multiple times. I also can't wait for a "next time" because I will feel constantly on edge, and this is my me-time; I go there to relax and have fun. No, it needs to be face to face. I will include something about them being generally kind, and that I know they would never follow a kid around IRL to laugh at them. I think they've probably never once considered that joking about a short bus or making that motion was a slam against real people, particularly those they know. lionfamily, I like that response for the future! Definitely filing it away. :) MomatHWTK, I don't blame you for being upset! My son also had food allergies that people took lightly (until they saw him have a reaction). Looking back, I suppose that was a sort of preparation for the battles we now face, lol. prairiewindmomma, I wonder what I'd say. There's not a lot of discussion about families or kids there, and that's one thing I like; I get to be me and not Mama for a few hours! I'm not sure what I'd share anyway, that would "give away" his disability. I tend to only think of him as DS, not nonverbal-autistic-DS, kwim? It would be strange to focus like that on his struggles so specifically. That's definitely food for thought, though. I have a friend who always put a Strides for Autism t-shirt on her ds when they went out in public for nearly a year after he was diagnosed. Most people would notice his behavior and then then shirt, and you could almost see the though bubble over their heads: What is WRONG with that boy?!? (pause) Ohhhhhhhh.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 This reminds me of Pres. Obama making the remark about his bowling being like Special Olympics when he appeared on Jay Leno's show. Thank goodness he apologized for his hurtful words. Maybe you could call the guy before the next game night and explain your feelings about his actions as well as the reactions of others. At least he will have the opportunity to apologize to you , and if he's a decent sort he might even say something to the group next time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravinlunachick Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 This reminds me of Pres. Obama making the remark about his bowling being like Special Olympics when he appeared on Jay Leno's show. Thank goodness he apologized for his hurtful words. Yes, I've been thinking of that a good bit the last couple of days. Did the SO bowlers ever come to the White House? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 At the time I would have given him The Look and said, "Excuse me?" in The Tone. Now that the moment has passed, I'm not sure what I'd do. I don't even know if I could continue with the friendship. :grouphug: :iagree: This would be me also. I probably would have gone beyond just the Look and, I am sorry to say, but I would be reconsidering my friendship with people that would make a joke or even laugh at special needs people. Another thing to consider is that, if this is the attitude the adults have, then what kind of attitude do you feel the kids they are raising would have? I don't know what to advise you but I do feel that you should not leave it alone while waiting for the next incident to happen. Some things are NOT just a joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geo Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I could use some advice. I get together with some friends for a weekly game night. I've known these people for over a decade, and they are typically kind and considerate folks. However, this past week, one guy was doing poorly in the game, and he made a joke about belonging "on the short bus," complete with spastic movements of his arm and a moan. Everyone else laughed very loudly and found that hysterical. I felt like I'd been kicked in the chest; I couldn't breathe, and it was all I could do to keep from crying at the moment. All I could think was, "My little guy is going to be ON that short bus in a few months!" :crying: I admit, I chickened out and didn't say anything at the time. It's really weighing heavily on my heart, though, and I know I'll need to say something when we're together next week. I could use advice for how to approach it. I've been in tears for days over it. They don't really know my son, although a few of them have met him very briefly. They *do* know, though, that he's autistic, and 2 of the ones who laughed so hard know that he can't speak. He doesn't have spastic arm movements, but some of his little friends do. My ds hums and flaps his hands; I could easily see that being used as a "joke" by ignorant people too. :( I have to believe that this is simply a case of know better, do better. It's my job to speak for my son and all the other kids on the short bus....to point out that they are NOT fodder for jokes, and that something that seems like "just an expression" is really and truly mocking their disabilities and struggles. I'm sure that these people will be horrified to know how hurtful that was, and they'll be sorry. I know I'll probably cry, too, while talking, which I guess will be a mixed bag. It will be humiliating, but at least they'll see that their words have power, you know? What would you do/say? I don't know....I was hoping you could show me the way.:001_huh: But...your heart attitude is in a good place, so just share what you shared here. If he's ashamed, don't feel guilty, that's just the consequence of his thoughtless joking. You'll be a gracious and forgiving, yet hurting mom who will speak up for all those on the short bus. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I think you'll be an awesome spokeswoman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara H Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 I see this a few days old, but I just wanted to share a post that might be of interest to you. http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/2012/04/andy-richter-saddens-universe.html It is from the blog of dad and tells about his reaction to hearing someone he respects making an offensive comment. It has a good ending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 I see this a few days old, but I just wanted to share a post that might be of interest to you. http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/2012/04/andy-richter-saddens-universe.html It is from the blog of dad and tells about his reaction to hearing someone he respects making an offensive comment. It has a good ending. :crying: I honestly do hope that the apology was genuine! I have never been a fan of comedy. I could never understand how people can find some of the crude jokes made, funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravinlunachick Posted June 18, 2012 Author Share Posted June 18, 2012 I will see them tonight. I'll let y'all knowhow it goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravinlunachick Posted June 19, 2012 Author Share Posted June 19, 2012 Update at bottom of OP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RamonaQ Posted June 19, 2012 Share Posted June 19, 2012 awww...I just read this. Good for you, and good for your friends. Sounds to me like you have some really kind people in your life Unfortunately, we ALL will do or say something that will unintentionally hurt someone. I am glad you gave your friends the opportunity to learn and treat you with kindness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted June 19, 2012 Share Posted June 19, 2012 I think you handled it well, and am glad that all is well now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkateLeft Posted June 19, 2012 Share Posted June 19, 2012 I've been in that position too, and you absolutely did the right thing in educating these folks. It's really tough. :grouphug: You might find some of the resources at R-word.org helpful. My teens and I have used the videos and links at r-word.org to educate people about why these things aren't okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted June 19, 2012 Share Posted June 19, 2012 Fantastic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara H Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Good for you. Glad your friends were supportive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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