Update On Mom Situation

[Impish]

I posted about a month ago re: my situation w/my mom, and that I'd finally had to face up to the fact that it's simply not possible to have any sort of healthy, positive relationship w/her.

 

To give you an idea, according to the DSM IV, there's 7 criteria to be dx'd as a sociopath. (I'm just looking at the behaviours, not stuff like age). To be dx'd, a person needs only 3. She has 5. And those 5 are the ones that I've personally witnessed, on more than one occasion, not an 'off day' or my misinterpreting or being too sensitive, or whatever.

 

So when I say that it's not possible to have a healthy relationship, I truly mean that in a clinical sense.

 

Anyways.

 

Hadn't heard from her since last month. I suspected that she was busy being entertained elsewhere and hadn't noticed that she hadn't heard from me...and I wasn't about to stick my head out of the foxhole to get shot at by sending her a 'leave me and mine alone' email.

 

Got an email last night. Other than babbling about some trips I have no clue about like I helped her plan them :confused: she takes me to task for not having returned her call in May, then states, "I'll call you again (and again) until I get in touch with you."

 

At first, I inserted an 'LOL' in there. By that I mean, I thought I'd read that SHE put an 'lol' in there...but on rereading, nope. Which explained why I felt so anxious.

 

I know to someone just reading it, it doesn't sound like a big deal...but this is the kind of thing she's pulled before...complete w/glare, venomous tone...it's a threat, and also a demand for me to do as she wants, or she'll make me. As a kid, it was terrifying, and you complied, instantly.

 

I intend to continue to ignore, but sooner or later she'll be harrassing the living daylights out of me, and I'll have to send her an email telling her to cease and desist, or I'll pursue harrassment charges.

 

Yee freaking haw.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug: I have no words for you, only hope that she gets help.

[momofkhm]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I just can't imagine. My mom plays the guilt card but nothing like that and somehow, my brother is immune. He says it's a thick skin or duck back (things just roll off when she says them). I wish I had it. I wish I could share it with you.

 

Is it just email or will she actually show up at your door? And by call, do you have caller id so you can ignore her?

[G5052]

I posted about a month ago re: my situation w/my mom, and that I'd finally had to face up to the fact that it's simply not possible to have any sort of healthy, positive relationship w/her.

 

To give you an idea, according to the DSM IV, there's 7 criteria to be dx'd as a sociopath. (I'm just looking at the behaviours, not stuff like age). To be dx'd, a person needs only 3. She has 5. And those 5 are the ones that I've personally witnessed, on more than one occasion, not an 'off day' or my misinterpreting or being too sensitive, or whatever.

 

So when I say that it's not possible to have a healthy relationship, I truly mean that in a clinical sense.

 

 

Mine is gone, but I've been there. I kept mine at arms length for years, but I kept letting myself get hurt off and on.

 

Then during a discussion with a professional on other issues and how the stress with my mom was making everything harder, she said, "Why do you keep trying to have a close, healthy relationship with a crazy person who really doesn't have your best interests at heart? She will never be the mother you want her to be."

 

At that point I threw out the expectations and treated her as an aquaintance. If she got ugly, I told her that I didn't appreciate that language and was now going to hang up. At several points I blocked her calls, and I did what was necessary at times to protect other people from her. If I got a letter from her that looked ugly, I threw it out without reading it.

 

In the end, the damage to her brain was so severe that she forgot ever having a daughter, and that was the closure to our relationship.

 

Sometimes the most healthy thing you can do is to not have a relationship with a relative.

[Reflections]

:grouphug::grouphug: My mother used to come to my house and bang on every window and door when I wouldn't answer her calls. And then stand out in the driveway and yell for me to come out (some obscentities, too).

[*********]

Imp, that sounds hard. :grouphug:

 

If you've for sure decided not to have her in your life anymore, I'd go ahead and email her and get *that* part over with.

 

Then, delete her emails without reading them. Or better yet, block her email addy; that's fairly easy to do, I'm sure. Get caller ID if you don't have it, and don't take her calls. It's that easy. Unless she has your address and you think she'll show up at your door, it's pretty easy to deny her access to you.

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

:grouphug: I have no words for you, only hope that she gets help.

Won't ever happen, Chris.

 

You can't make someone feel empathy. You can't make them realize that other ppl have emotions and rights to be respected, not simply to be used for her personal amusement.

 

Anytime I bring up any issue I have w/her behaviour there are standard answers I receive:

 

It didn't happen.

You're remembering wrong.

You're too sensitive.

I don't remember that (usually followed by, If you say so...)

 

If I keep pushing she hangs up.

 

She NEVER admits to doing anything negative, hurtful, etc. Ever. Nothing negative is ever her responsibility. She'll look at you, smirk, and walk away.

 

She's truly missing some essential piece.

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Showing up would take some effort on her part, given that (thank God!) she lives across country.

 

I need to keep something of a lid on her for now, esp w/the probability of Wolf getting a major promotion at work. It would NOT be beyond her to call his boss and accuse him of all sorts of bs, call CPS on us, etc, etc, etc. She has no brakes. That's why I'm delaying emailing her and telling her to not to ever contact us again.

 

I do have caller ID, that's how I've ignored her 2 calls since.

 

On the good note, if Wolf gets this promo, we'll be moving again, changing ph#...and she won't have a clue.

[DawnM]

I have a mentally ill mother. I understand. Mine is mentally ill combined with very strong religious stuff.....makes it very hard to have an actual relationship with her, so I am cordial, but don't' tell her much.

 

:grouphug:

[*********]

Showing up would take some effort on her part, given that (thank God!) she lives across country.

 

I need to keep something of a lid on her for now, esp w/the probability of Wolf getting a major promotion at work. It would NOT be beyond her to call his boss and accuse him of all sorts of bs, call CPS on us, etc, etc, etc. She has no brakes. That's why I'm delaying emailing her and telling her to not to ever contact us again.

 

I do have caller ID, that's how I've ignored her 2 calls since.

 

On the good note, if Wolf gets this promo, we'll be moving again, changing ph#...and she won't have a clue.

 

How in the WORLD does she know how to contact Wolf's boss?!!!

 

And calling CPS, while I'm sure is possible, is not something I'd worry about too much. I mean, if she lives cross country from you, AND you don't have contact with her anymore, what could she POSSIBLY say to them that would matter, you know?

 

You know your mother best; perhaps just avoiding her without coming out and saying 'I'm not going to have anything to do with you anymore" is best.

[Impish]

How in the WORLD does she know how to contact Wolf's boss?!!!

 

And calling CPS, while I'm sure is possible, is not something I'd worry about too much. I mean, if she lives cross country from you, AND you don't have contact with her anymore, what could she POSSIBLY say to them that would matter, you know?

 

You know your mother best; perhaps just avoiding her without coming out and saying 'I'm not going to have anything to do with you anymore" is best.

She knows where he's working, and the employer is...well, let's say 'well known' ;) Really wouldn't take much effort to get ahold of his boss.

 

I know sooner or later that the email telling her to cease and desist will have to happen, just hoping I can put it off til after we have the promo locked down.

 

If it wasn't for the promo, I'd just go ahead and do it now. Wolf's current boss is completely awesome, and I'd have no prob telling him, "Look, my mother is a psycho, in the clinical def of the term. If you get a call from _____, it's her stirring up trouble."

 

Problem is, the promo is to *replace* Wolf's current boss. And the boss over him isn't nearly as personable, Wolf barely has anything to do w/him thus far, so he doesn't know Wolf either. And the last thing we need is to approach the Big Boss and tell him about a personal issue w/a nutbunny.

[Juniper]

Imp, you may want to consider throwing out a red herring. A letter saying he got a new job, with some other company. When we cut verbal contact with dh's, we allowed for written letters. This accomplished two things. We could say with clear conscience we had not cut all contact and anything she wrote was in writing....and anything we wrote was in writing.

 

We responded when and how we felt like it.

 

When I first had to set up strong boundaries with someone, they freaked out and started pushing hard! For some reason I felt bad that I was having to go to further extremes to reinforce the boundry. I met with my counselor and he told me that I was not at fault for having to reinforce the boundary. The amount of effort to keep the boundary intact was not dictated by me (unfortunately:glare:) it is dictated by the person trying to cross it.

 

If you can calmly say, "Mom please do not call." and she will respect it, then you get to be nice, but firm. If you have to change numbers and move across the country it does not make YOU extreme, it makes her extreme. I hope that makes sense.

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Thanks.

 

I just wish she'd leave us be.

[Night Elf]

I know sooner or later that the email telling her to cease and desist will have to happen, just hoping I can put it off til after we have the promo locked down.

 

Can you send her a general blah-blah email right now to pacify her? Something saying you don't remember vacations but they sound nice and you hope she has a good time. Sorry you missed her call but maybe you'll talk to her soon. Something like that, just to keep her busy while you're waiting to hear about the promotion?

[Impish]

Can you send her a general blah-blah email right now to pacify her? Something saying you don't remember vacations but they sound nice and you hope she has a good time. Sorry you missed her call but maybe you'll talk to her soon. Something like that, just to keep her busy while you're waiting to hear about the promotion?

If that's what it takes, I will. I just really am tired of enabling her behaviour. Now that I clearly see it for what it is, her for what she is, I just want to be done. I don't want to be part of her carp for one second longer, if that makes sense.

 

If I have to choke it down and buy time that way, then I will. I'm kinda hoping to just duck and cover and maintain for just long enough.

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

You might not want to totally block her emails, since you might want the heads up of escalating weirdness.

 

But could you set up a rule within your email account settings so that her emails were sorted directly to a specific folder? You would see that there was an email, but it would just sit there until you were ready to read it. It wouldn't ambush you within your normal daily correspondence.

[Impish]

You might not want to totally block her emails, since you might want the heads up of escalating weirdness.

 

But could you set up a rule within your email account settings so that her emails were sorted directly to a specific folder? You would see that there was an email, but it would just sit there until you were ready to read it. It wouldn't ambush you within your normal daily correspondence.

Yeah, being aware of her escalating behaviour is needed, otherwise, I'm too vulnerable.

[aggieamy]

I totally get it. I have no contact with my mother. None.

 

Showing up would take some effort on her part, given that (thank God!) she lives across country.

 

I need to keep something of a lid on her for now, esp w/the probability of Wolf getting a major promotion at work. It would NOT be beyond her to call his boss and accuse him of all sorts of bs, call CPS on us, etc, etc, etc. She has no brakes. That's why I'm delaying emailing her and telling her to not to ever contact us again.

 

I do have caller ID, that's how I've ignored her 2 calls since.

 

On the good note, if Wolf gets this promo, we'll be moving again, changing ph#...and she won't have a clue.

 

 

There's no need to tell her what you're going to do. That's just asking for drama. Block her number, change your phone number, block her email address. She might or might not call his boss. She might or might not call CPS. The less you respond to her the less interesting it will be to harass you. So what if she does call them? You'll have to explain that she's mentally ill and you've had no contact with her. Employers understand because you aren't the only family they know with crazy relatives.

 

People like that need the drama. If you don't fuel it they will get bored.

[Denisemomof4]

Showing up would take some effort on her part, given that (thank God!) she lives across country.

 

I need to keep something of a lid on her for now, esp w/the probability of Wolf getting a major promotion at work. It would NOT be beyond her to call his boss and accuse him of all sorts of bs, call CPS on us, etc, etc, etc. She has no brakes. That's why I'm delaying emailing her and telling her to not to ever contact us again.

 

I do have caller ID, that's how I've ignored her 2 calls since.

 

On the good note, if Wolf gets this promo, we'll be moving again, changing ph#...and she won't have a clue.

 

 

It is scary to know the lengths a sociopath will go to to seek revenge on someone they think has treated them unjustly. And sociopaths NEVER take responsibility for anything they do.

 

I truly hope Wolf gets that job so you can live with an unpublished address and phone number. I just hope she doesn't appear at his work or call CPS, both which a sociopath would do without thinking twice.

 

How was your brother able to break free of her? Did she seek revenge on him?

 

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I didn't read The Socioparh Next Door yet, but I do remember reading online articles from the author/psychiatrist. She tells even parents of sociopathic kids to Get compketely out of their lives; cut off all contact.

 

There is just no reasoning with them and they are dangerous.

[Impish]

It is scary to know the lengths a sociopath will go to to seek revenge on someone they think has treated them unjustly. And sociopaths NEVER take responsibility for anything they do.

 

I truly hope Wolf gets that job so you can live with an unpublished address and phone number. I just hope she doesn't appear at his work or call CPS, both which a sociopath would do without thinking twice.

 

How was your brother able to break free of her? Did she seek revenge on him?

 

:grouphug:

I have 2 brothers that have cut her out at one point or another.

 

My eldest brother hasn't talked to them in 8 yrs or so. However, he's actually my step brother, so having him gone was suitable to her.

 

My youngest bro, last I'd heard, was sucked back in.

 

As I mentioned in another thread, I'm the only girl. She's told me the whole 'son is a son til he takes a wife' thing, but coming from her it was like a threat. The boys are somewhat expected to drift away, but I'm the dd, so that's strictly not allowed. If her favourite, my younger bro (only one that's not cut her off yet) cuts her out, she'll likely do a nut, but only to a point...he's a police officer.

 

She seems to have some restraint when dealing w/my brothers, but it's never been in evidence when dealing w/me. I don't know if it's a gender bias or exactly what is going on, but she has no trouble pulling stunts on me that she'd never dream of pulling on my brothers.

[G5052]

People like that need the drama. If you don't fuel it they will get bored.

 

As my mother became more and more homebound while caring for my father, the more she stoked up the fires with her relatives and friends. She'd sometimes make 30+ phone calls a day, most of the harrassing people. She drove the mail carrier crazy, the county workers crazy, and the neighbors crazy.

 

The agency providing home healthcare for my father tried multiple workers, and then finally they quit and turned around and called the other similar services in the area to tell them to blacklist my parents because my mother was crazy. When my father's health took a significant downturn, the doctor refused home hospice for him because of the situation and got him into a nursing home with hospice. Several people told me that he was far more peaceful and happy in his last few weeks than they had seen him in years. Mom had completely blocked me from calling or visiting him, and he went along with it, but I got reports from his friends thankfully.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Tap]

Maybe if Wolf gets the new job you can move and just not give her your new info. :D

[Impish]

Maybe if Wolf gets the new job you can move and just not give her your new info. :D

That's totally my plan, actually!

 

It's just staving her off til then.

 

GVA, I'm sorry :grouphug:

[fraidycat]

:grouphug::grouphug: That's all I have.

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I am so sorry.

[JVA]

Sometimes the most healthy thing you can do is to not have a relationship with a relative.

 

 

THIS. My poor dh is struggling to get to this place with a brother. The guilt, shame (self-inflicted) and concern with how it will be interpreted by the rest of the family has him bound up. The 30+ years of disrespect and poor treatment makes the decision seem easy to me but, he's not MY brother.

[Terabith]

So, if/ when he gets the job and you move, can you not give MIL the information either? :D

[mommymonster]

So sorry. :grouphug: Sadly, my mother has pretty much identical crazy as yours does, and it is not pleasant for anyone.

 

I do keep in marginal contact with my mother, but only to make sure she isn't abusing or extorting money from my grandmother or my sisters (literally).

 

Long story short, I would send her an email response saying, "Since it is [insert lame excuse -- I'd go with "summer"], we are never near the phone. Let's email, and then I will be sure to get your message." Then, something to let her talk about herself... "The vacations sound great! Tell me more!" At least for my darling mother, the opportunity to talk about oneself is irresistible. Follow on with a "The kids are doing great; we're so looking forward to spending time outside." If you're feeling generous, attach a fuzzy photo. I have written the same email for the past 10 years, and it seems to work for her.

 

If/when the promotion is finalized, tell her that hubby is changing jobs and it will be a bit before you are settled... then disappear if you can swing it.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide. It's a tough, tough road. :grouphug:

[applethyme]

:grouphug:

Humor her until you can disappear.

[Impish]

Very interesting.

 

Yesterday/last night, I've received 2 'private caller' calls. Someone blocking their number.

 

Didn't leave a msg.

 

I haven't received a 'private caller' call in yrs. :001_huh:

 

Guessing someone's trying to trick me into answering their call.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug: sent you a pm.

[Tammi K]

 

Then during a discussion with a professional on other issues and how the stress with my mom was making everything harder, she said, "Why do you keep trying to have a close, healthy relationship with a crazy person who really doesn't have your best interests at heart? She will never be the mother you want her to be."

 

Sometimes the most healthy thing you can do is to not have a relationship with a relative.

 

:iagree:

 

About 6 years ago, my 21 year old daughter called me in tears. She had just flown from Hawaii to visit relatives in Pa. and at my mother's house, (her grandmother) she was harangued so horribly that she left in tears. Why?

 

Just because.....My mother needs no reason to spew her venom. She does it because she can. And, if you are unfortunate enough to fall into the line of fire, you get burned.

 

Finally, after dreading any and all forms of contact with her, I ended it! I sent her a letter telling her that from that point on, I would take every step necessary to keep her from inflicting pain on my family. If she wanted contact with my children, she could do it via letter or email. I would pre-read and as long as she was civil, I would allow them to read it.

 

It's been 6 years and I haven't heard from her.

 

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let go.

[Impish]

I'll be relieved when it's all over w/.

 

No private calls yesterday...but according to her email she was going away again and back Sun...so we'll see if the mysterious private caller makes an appearance on Sun.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Very interesting.

 

Yesterday/last night, I've received 2 'private caller' calls. Someone blocking their number.

 

Didn't leave a msg.

 

I haven't received a 'private caller' call in yrs. :001_huh:

 

Guessing someone's trying to trick me into answering their call.

 

Imp - one of those private callers was me. Sorry to have scared you.

[Impish]

Imp - one of those private callers was me. Sorry to have scared you.

Oooooh! *whew* If I'd known that, I would have called you back! :lol:

[Tap]

Do you have any friends that speak different languages?

 

Ask them to record a 'hello' and then just a ramble of talking in a language your mom doesn't know. If the private caller calls again, play the recording to the person answering. Maybe after a few times of calling, she will figure she has the wrong number. :D Make sure your answering machine is just the pre-recorded "you have reached xxx-xxxx" so you don't foil your own plot.

[Candid]

How about changing your phone number and email and not telling her? I know in some families that will fail because others will pass them on to her. But just cut her off if you can.

[Impish]

Do you have any friends that speak different languages?

 

Ask them to record a 'hello' and then just a ramble of talking in a language your mom doesn't know. If the private caller calls again, play the recording to the person answering. Maybe after a few times of calling, she will figure she has the wrong number. :D Make sure your answering machine is just the pre-recorded "you have reached xxx-xxxx" so you don't foil your own plot.

:lol:

I think SpecialMama *might* speak pig latin, but that's about it!