Am I freaking out for nothing?

[jayb842]

My step-dd was kicked out of public school this morning. He mother and her colored her hair pink last night. She is a sophomore and we have planned for me to homeschool her next year. She didn't take her two finals of two classes she should have easily passed. The school sent her home. According to step-dd she can take the test on Monday. My huge is the fact mom let her do it and she is coming to my house with pink hair for the summer. It's something I would NEVER allow her half sister or my son to do. If we alllow her to keep it to me it's sending the wrong message to my other kids! Am I right or just freaking out for nothing?

[MamaAkins]

She was kicked out of school because she dyed her hair? How is that legal?

You're thinking of not letting her come homeschool with you next year because of the color of her hair? How is that love? What message does that send to her and your other children?

:confused:

[dangermom]

I don't think you should make a big fuss over the hair. Her mom let her do it. That doesn't mean you have to let your bio-kids color their hair pink too. I think getting into a battle over pink hair would accomplish nothing except to discredit you in your step-daughter's eyes.

[kitten18]

I think you're freaking out over nothing. It's just hair! I had some pretty stupid hairstyles as a teenager. It grows out or it can be shaved off. *shrug*

[amy g.]

I think you are overreacting. To me, it is a nonissue.

[oasis]

Why does pink hair matter? :confused:

[*********]

As a fellow stepmom, my two cents is that you're gonna have MUCH bigger battles than pink hair.

 

I get it. My dh would not give my dsd permission to dye her hair blue when she was 15 and asked. This same dsd just graduated highschool last night with honors.

 

Now, no one asked *me*, but honestly, I wouldn't have cared if she dyed her hair blue. Now that it's almost three years later, we can look back and see all the MUCH bigger issues we disagree about with dsd. At the same time, I love the girl to pieces, and will miss her not being at our home anymore.

 

I genuinely get the 'stepkids doing things my bio kids would NEVER be allowed to do'. But that's what happens when kids have two households, two sets of parents, with to different sets of rules. Your kids can understand that, I'm sure. Mine do.

 

I say for now, don't say anything about the hair. If she comes to live with you next year to homeschool, then she can follow your rules while living in your home. And if that means no hair dye, then so be it. For now, I'd leave it be. But honestly, hair color is NOT a hill to die on; or a reason to strain a relationship with a stepchild.

[Lily_Grace]

I'd rather a child with pink hair than a child smoking. Pink hair is not illegal, not immoral, not disrespectful and not dangerous. It will grow out and it allows her to figure out who she is. She's making mistakes now so as not to make them all when she's 18 and they start being important.

 

You're overreacting. You may want to take a step back and figure out why her hair color is so important to you and what that means. How you handle this will not only affect your relationship with her but with your other children.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I let my 9 yr. old do this to his hair, so I'm the wrong person to comment. I thought it looked ridiculous and it was kind of embarrassing, but he was so happy.

[meggie]

I think you are overreacting. of all the things teenagers could do, the color of their hair would be far down on the list of things I care about. her attitude and kindness to others would be much more important. if she does well with those, consider yourself lucky. the color of a person's hair matters about as much as the color of their eyes or skin. it's the stuff on the inside that counts!

[MomatHWTK]

If her mother is ok with it, I don't think you get to trump that because you wouldn't be ok with it for your own children. Sorry. If they have an issue, it falls into the category of different families have different rules.

 

Re: The school system, they often have rules about anything that might be "disruptive" and hair color falls into the category. You know, conform or else. :glare:

[swellmomma]

I don't think you should make a big fuss over the hair. Her mom let her do it. That doesn't mean you have to let your bio-kids color their hair pink too. I think getting into a battle over pink hair would accomplish nothing except to discredit you in your step-daughter's eyes.

 

:iagree:

 

I am surprised by the stance of the school. If the mother knew the risk of letting her dd colour her hair before school was out for summer (as in it is in the dress code) than that part is bad, but coloring it in the first place big deal. Just because you would not allow your children to do that does not mean you get to freak out over her deciding it is right for HER daughter. If my ex's live in was to get mad because I let my daughter do something like color her hair (which is next to nothing imo) it would put great strain on any working relationship I developed with her.

 

In the end you are *only* the step mom you have no say in what they do with her hair.

 

As for the school rules that is a different situation. If she can write the finals on monday it sounds like she was sent home for the day not kicked out right?

[AuntieM]

I'd rather a child with pink hair than a child smoking. Pink hair is not illegal, not immoral, not disrespectful and not dangerous. It will grow out and it allows her to figure out who she is. She's making mistakes now so as not to make them all when she's 18 and they start being important.

 

You're overreacting. You may want to take a step back and figure out why her hair color is so important to you and what that means. How you handle this will not only affect your relationship with her but with your other children.

 

:iagree:

 

The pink hair provides you with the perfect opportunity to show her you love her in spite of it. Think of it as a gift! Be a model of grace for her, and your other kids.

 

The time will come when you need to lay out expectations, but a brouhaha over hair color would be a terrible way to begin your new relationship.

 

Mothering is humbling. You can't be afraid of what your neighbors or peers will think. Remember, you're not after her hair, you're after her heart.

[DianeW88]

Totally over-reacting. It's just hair, and she's a teen. This is nothing. Let it go.

[Denise in Florida]

I let my 9 yr. old do this to his hair, so I'm the wrong person to comment. I thought it looked ridiculous and it was kind of embarrassing, but he was so happy.

 

awwww, that's adorable.

[Perry]

Totally over-reacting. It's just hair, and she's a teen. This is nothing. Let it go.

:iagree:

 

I'd also be checking into the school rules. If there isn't a specific rule about hair color, I'd be showing my unconditional love and support by heading right to the school and raising a stink.

[BinahYeteirah]

Yes, you are freaking out for nothing.

 

I did the same thing at roughly the same age. My mother helped me dye my hair blue before the first day of school in 10th grade. I was an excellent student, generally very responsible, went on to do well in college, and so on.

 

My dad freaked out about my hair (my parents were divorced) and gave me a long lecture about "life", getting a job, and how no one would ever hire me with blue hair. He seemed to think it was a sign that I was doomed to become a loser and outcast from society. I was confused. I was 15, iirc, and already had a job. I figured I had a few years before I needed to have a conservative hairstyle for job hunting purposes.

 

I hope my kids don't dye their hair blue, but I fully expect them to make hair and fashion choices that I think are unattractive or weird or whatever. Unless it's something permanent, just relax and realize that it's not likely to last.

[sassenach]

You are overreacting. The school is totally overreacting. Did she miss the finals because she was sent home, or did she get sent home because she skipped the finals? If the school sent her home over hair color, that's completely ridiculous.

 

If you are going to survive homeschooling her with your relationship intact, you are going to have to learn how to distinguish hills to die on versus tiny bumps to step over. Pink hair is a tiny bump.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Shannon831

[*********]

In the end you are *only* the step mom you have no say in what they do with her hair.

 

Or pretty much anything else she does while in the custody of her mother, barring anything dangerous/illegal.

 

Look, I'm a stepmom. And I get how hard it can be to accept the fact that I am "only the stepmom". But when I start to get my feathers ruffled about that, I try to imagine how I'd feel if my boys had a stepmom. Um, yeah, sorry to say, I'd think of her as "*just* the stepmom". Sure, I'd do my very best to have as good of a relationship with her as I could. But at the end of the day, they are MY children, and I'll do as I please with them, thankyouverymuch.

 

When in her mother's custody, your dsd is not your business. That's just how it is. Mom gets to make the day to day decisions without regard to you/dad's input. And when your dsd is in you/your dh's custody, YOU get to make the decisions. Trust me when I say I understand how hard that can be sometimes. But it's the reality of stepfamilies. And really, pink hair is NOT a big deal. Really. :001_smile:

[KidsHappen]

What's wrong with pink hair? If you don't want your kids to have pink hair simply tell them, her parents - her rules but in your house you are the parent and you make the rules.

[Heatherwith4]

Pink hair is not a hill to die on.

[LucyStoner]

I don't think you should make a big fuss over the hair. Her mom let her do it. That doesn't mean you have to let your bio-kids color their hair pink too. I think getting into a battle over pink hair would accomplish nothing except to discredit you in your step-daughter's eyes.

 

:iagree:

 

Make a fuss and it gives the hair more power than it should have in your relationship.

 

I personally would be freaking out and angry if a school kicked my kid out over her hair. It's ridiculous. Lots of people dye their hair with manic panic type colors in high school. If it is prohibited, then surely make up and any other form our self decoration should be prohibited too. I am sure they let the cheerleaders wear make up.

[LibraryLover]

:001_smile: Of course you are.

 

But that's OK, we all have a learning curve. I say that with kindness. :001_smile:

[bettyandbob]

Yes,you are over reacting to hair color. It is just dead cells. It's not piercing or tatoos, which due to needles have health concerns. It's not smoking.

 

IMO, you, your dh and the stepmother should be carefully scouring school policy materials to find the exact rule which applies and if none is found be in the office of the school with complaints and demanding exam retakes.

[AuntieM]

Yes,you are over reacting to hair color. It is just dead cells. It's not piercing or tatoos, which due to needles have health concerns. It's not smoking.

 

IMO, you, your dh and the stepmother should be carefully scouring school policy materials to find the exact rule which applies and if none is found be in the office of the school with complaints and demanding exam retakes.

 

This will not only show support for your dsd, it may also have a significant effect on what you are responsible to teach her next year.

[Moxie]

My step-dd was kicked out of public school this morning. He mother and her colored her hair pink last night. She is a sophomore and we have planned for me to homeschool her next year. She didn't take her two finals of two classes she should have easily passed. The school sent her home. According to step-dd she can take the test on Monday. My huge is the fact mom let her do it and she is coming to my house with pink hair for the summer. It's something I would NEVER allow her half sister or my son to do. If we alllow her to keep it to me it's sending the wrong message to my other kids! Am I right or just freaking out for nothing?

 

You seem to have a really stong opinion about the color of her hair and I'm curious why. What does the pink hair mean to you??

[Walking-Iris]

It's just hair and that is reason number 12,487,936 for my reason for homeschooling. Who has the right to tell anyone they can or cannot have pink hair? Last I checked that's should be between a kid and their parent.

 

 

I'm sorry but what "message" exactly does that send? "It's my hair and I can do what I like with it." Teens are fickle and they eventually tire of self-decoration, if allowed to BE without a big fuss being made.

[Parrothead]

I'm letting dd dye her tips pink or purple so I'm no the right person to ask. IMO it is hair. No biggie. You ought to pick your teen battles carefully. A little box of bright hair color is the least of your worries with your dsd and your dc.

 

PS. I change my hair color every 6-8 weeks. I'm too old for pink or purple. But Thursday I was blonde now I'm a brunette.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Parrothead

[houseofkids&pets]

I don't have step children, so don't have any experience with the issues that may arise between two households. However, I do have to say that I agree with the other posters. Pink hair is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. It seems like a harmless way for a teen to experiment when trying to figure out just who they are. I would not make a big deal about it at all since that gives it way too much attention. As someone else mentioned, this is not a hill to die on. Be thankful that dsd is not experimenting with drugs, s*x, etc...

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I had my hair corn-rowed (I'm white), bleached my hair, shaved the sides of my head, etc. all while attending PS during the 1970-80s. Everyone I knew experimented with their looks. It's hard to imagine that the school would send a student home, especially a good student, over the color of her hair. I think I'd be visiting the school and stand up for dsd. It would probably mean a lot to the child.

 

BTW, my oldest goes to PS looking just like this. The apple didn't fall far from the tree..:D

[Library Momma]

Are you in an inner city? Sometimes there are specific rules in place because of association with "colors" or gang activity. If that is the case with the school then the girl should have known better.

 

If that's not the case then it is silly and the school should have better things to worry about. I have a feeling though that there is more to the story.

[Just Kate]

I just purchased this little bottle of pink powder for my 4 year old dd so we can put a pink stripe in her hair. I think she will love it! (of course, it washes out right away...I wouldn't permanantly dye my 4 year old's hair!)

 

I agree with the others that this isn't worth getting upset over. I did some semi-radical things with my hair as a teenager and now I am just a boring, old homeschool mom (with boring, old brown hair!). :D

[djsmom]

My 10 yr old niece has blonde hair with pink highlights. Her mom did it for her. I think it looks cute:)

 

I agree with the others and wouldn't make a fuss over hair color.

[ChristyB in TN]

Pink hair is a breeze...teenagers are not. Love her, don't let the other children dye their hair if you don't want to. The rules are NOT the same for everyone and it's okay. You two will get along better if you give her the freedom to have the hair. I can't believe the school wouldn't let her take her finals!!!!!

[NanceXToo]

It's just hair. It grows out, fades away, gets cut, it's no big deal. It's one of the few things kids and teens can kind of have control over when it comes to their appearance, it is a fun way of being a bit creative, it doesn't hurt anyone or anything. I would definitely not make a big issue with your stepdaughter over her hair, and if your kids start exclaiming how they want to change their hair, too, your choices are to say that her mother allowed her to make that decision but you are not okay with it for them, or to loosen up and just say "yes." You might want to at least consider the latter. :)

[Mommy22alyns]

Umm, I wouldn't freak out over pink hair. What's the big deal? :confused:

[Twilight Woods]

my 10 y/o had pink hair for a few months..... so..... is it really a hill to die upon?

[Ellie]

My step-dd was kicked out of public school this morning. He mother and her colored her hair pink last night. She is a sophomore and we have planned for me to homeschool her next year. She didn't take her two finals of two classes she should have easily passed. The school sent her home. According to step-dd she can take the test on Monday. My huge is the fact mom let her do it and she is coming to my house with pink hair for the summer. It's something I would NEVER allow her half sister or my son to do. If we alllow her to keep it to me it's sending the wrong message to my other kids! Am I right or just freaking out for nothing?

 

You're freaking out over nothing. :)

 

What does Mr. Jay think? She's his daughter; what she does with her hair is between her parents (Mr. Jay and the xwife). This is true even when she comes to live with you, and will certainly not send the wrong message to your children, as they have different parents (although they share a father with her) who have different rules.

 

I wouldn't have allowed my dc to color their hair, either, but your sdd's mother did. It's her business. You just look your dc in the eye and make sure they understand that they may not have pink hair. And then you hug your sdd all over and welcome her.

[Nakia]

Kids can get kicked out of school for dying their hair pink? How stupid. Do they get kicked out for dying it black, red, getting highlights, a perm, dreadlocks? Where does the madness end? Who decides these lame rules?

 

Anyway, yes, I agree with the others that you are freaking out for nothing. I tried to talk my 11 year old into getting a strip of her hair dyed blue recently, lol. She wouldn't do it. I'm hoping one of my other two will want to do something like that in a few years. I think it's cool!

[clarkacademy]

People have different ideas on what is or is not acceptable. I don't think it is a big deal to have pink hair but I don't think it is a big deal that some just don't go for that sort of thing. Being your step daughter you can't go against her mother unless she is living under your roof then your home your rules period.

[annandatje]

Yes, you are. It is not a permanent modification. Exercise patience. In my experience, they eventually tire of the required upkeep. What better time than the child or teen years to play around with silly haircolors?

[*********]

What does Mr. Jay think? She's his daughter; what she does with her hair is between her parents (Mr. Jay and the xwife). This is true even when she comes to live with you, and will certainly not send the wrong message to your children, as they have different parents (although they share a father with her) who have different rules.

 

I disagree with the bolded. If OP's sdd comes to live with her and dad, then yes, OP should have a say in the girl's parenting. If she doesn't, it *will* cause problems eventually.

[Scarlett]

My step-dd was kicked out of public school this morning. He mother and her colored her hair pink last night. She is a sophomore and we have planned for me to homeschool her next year. She didn't take her two finals of two classes she should have easily passed. The school sent her home. According to step-dd she can take the test on Monday. My huge is the fact mom let her do it and she is coming to my house with pink hair for the summer. It's something I would NEVER allow her half sister or my son to do. If we alllow her to keep it to me it's sending the wrong message to my other kids! Am I right or just freaking out for nothing?

 

As a step mom to a teen who won't come visit my dh....I'd love for him to come see us with pink hair. My dh is heartbroken and at times like these you see what is really important.

 

As for the different rules for different kids. They get it. When ds whines to me that his step brothers get to do this or that I just shrug and say, 'they have different parents than you do.'

[Harriet Vane]

Definitely overreacting. Hair color is temporary and does NOT necessarily lead to negative behavior. Save your battles for things like drinking and drugs.

[mommymilkies]

You're overreacting. It's just hair.

 

You will get kicked out here (I was told by a friend whose dds go to the ps) for unnatural hair colors. She colored 2 of her kids' hair for a cheerleading event last summer and had to redye their hair brown when it just wouldn't come out.

[*********]

As a step mom to a teen who won't come visit my dh....I'd love for him to come see us with pink hair. My dh is heartbroken and at times like these you see what is really important.

 

:grouphug: Scarlett, that must be impossibly hard.

 

Remeber though; they grow up. I have a drastically different relationship with my dad and stepmom now than I did as a teenager. Keep loving on dss, and encouraging your dh to do the same. With prayer, he'll come around.

[SKL]

I agree with those who say this is not a hill to die on.

 

When my kids point out that I tolerate things other kids do, I say, "I am not her mother. I am your mother."

 

I also believe that there is an age range where kids should be allowed to make choices that may or may not be foolish. Not sure yet, but I might just let my own teen daughter do this. She'd know my thoughts about it but I wouldn't make it a constant point of contention.

 

Some kids need to do things like this to get a feeling of control over some aspects of their lives.

[Saille]

Still paging through, but my issue wouldn't be the pink hair. My issue would be the fact that there's doubtless a dress code printed somewhere--quite probably in the front of a school-made student planner handed out in the fall. Why would you deliberately flout the dress code ON exam day? How is she taking the exam Monday if her hair is still pink? Either there's no policy in place, in which case the school was wrong, or this was a pretty stoopid time to do a makeover. So, I guess the real question is: Do you think mom will back you up next year if you make stepdd do work she doesn't want to do?

[catz]

Haven't read any other responses. However, pink hair is not a battle I would get into with a teenager and in particular not a step child. It's just hair. You need to pick your battles very carefully at this age IMHO.

[Scarlett]

:grouphug: Scarlett, that must be impossibly hard.

 

Remeber though; they grow up. I have a drastically different relationship with my dad and stepmom now than I did as a teenager. Keep loving on dss, and encouraging your dh to do the same. With prayer, he'll come around.

 

Thank you Bethany. In one way it helps to realize things might be different someday but in another way it is painful when you realize you can never get these years back.