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Really no good for nothing kinda day!


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I am really upset. Very sad. A little background info: I live near my sis and bil and their family. My sister is an A #1 Narcassist. She's really just the kind of person that you can only love b/c she is related to you. It's tough. I have major boundaries with her. It's taken me yrs to figure it all out but I have.

 

Now, on to the worst part. Her husband has been unemployed for about 8ms. He's a great guy. Has his problems...but such dear person. He cooks, cleans, brings her coffee, rubs her feet every night until she falls asleep, and more! Yep...that good! He has faults, but they are not anything that is major. He's been a great provider and care provider to their children- one which was severely handicapped... but has passéd away.

 

My sister is very attractive. Very petite. Home coming girl. Get the pic? :) She went to work(for the first time ever) a few yrs ago. Since she has been working, my bil has been having job issues. He's lost two. This has NEVER happened to him before in their marriage. He's a rock solid guy. They've always made six figures. They have a beautiful home, pool, 10 acres...perfect! He does whatever she wants and tries hard to please, but I think it's more of a passive aggressive thing or co-dependent. something... IDK. It's certainly not ideal. Anyway, she has been very unhappy with him (to put it mildly) since she's had to work. She treats him abusively and can't stand to be home. She wants out of the marriage, but says it's nothing to do with him not being employed. I don't believe her but whatever. Recently, she confided in me that she has been 'talking' with someone for over a yr. He has been her rock and basically kept her from killing herself. :confused: I was devastated. sick. But, thought the best- she will work through this and they will get their marriage back on track.

 

Yesterday, bil called me. He was having a hard time figuring out some comments she had made to him. What he should do. I thought I would go over and cheer him up and let the kids swim. When I got there, he had talked to her on the phone and she basically told him she wanted him to leave. I was devasted. He was too. He didn't say anything, but I could see it in his face. He's just trying to make it work. I sat there and listened to him and tried to offer support, but he had decided to go out of state to his moms. At the cost of being the bad guy, I told him about my sisters friend. I told him I didn't know anything other than they would talk but I thought maybe he should stay and not leave. I felt so stinking bad. For all of us. But, in the end, I just couldn't have him knowing that I knew and didn't tell him. I respect the guy so much.

 

Now, I'm just sick. Sick with grief. I feel so bad for him. My sister is so selfish. I hate that I know about this other person. I hate that she doesn't have the moral spine to stay with him and let him get a job and get back on track. I can't stand the situation..at all. If it weren't for my bil, I wouldn't even have a relationship with my sister. She just isn't someone I can tolerate to be around. She is too focussed on her looks, money, and status. She is so awful that she suggested he get a job at a place like Homedepot but do it out of state and send them the money b/c she didn't want her 'kids' to be embarrassed. :confused: She's just rotten. Makes me sick for him. He has been such a major male figure in my life. He's kind of a dad/brother for me. I've got so much respect for him.

 

Just absolutely heart broken and feel bad to be involved but I had to tell him. I just couldn't have him thinking that I knew and didn't tell him. I just couldn't.

 

Sometimes life really stinks. This is that time. Thanks for letting me get this out. I couldn't even type it yesterday. I've thought about him all day, night and today.

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How awful for you to be in the middle of all this. :grouphug:

 

It is going to get worse before it gets better, imo. I don't know how old the children are, but if they are younger (under 12) you may need to keep an eye on things. I have seen moms like this spiral downward and put their kids in danger because the mom feels "free" for the first time since she was married and had to be accountable for her actions and wants to "live the life". I hope that doesn't happen here.

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How awful for you to be in the middle of all this. :grouphug:

 

It is going to get worse before it gets better, imo. I don't know how old the children are, but if they are younger (under 12) you may need to keep an eye on things. I have seen moms like this spiral downward and put their kids in danger because the mom feels "free" for the first time since she was married and had to be accountable for her actions and wants to "live the life". I hope that doesn't happen here.

 

I know. I feel like she has to hit bottom. She won't let anyone help her. I've tried to help every. single. way I know how to. But, she always makes excuses and just keeps pushing forward in the same direction. She's completely lost perspective.

 

Her youngest is almost 17. He is the only one left at home. But, we all know it will still hurt. It will hurt everyone. My bil is having a hard time finding a job b/c he is in his 50's. It's just harder now. And, I just can't believe she is turning on him. Makes my stomach ache.

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I'm so sorry; how terribly sad for everyone. Something occured to me as I was reading about your situation. Would it be possible for your husband to be a "listening ear" for your bil? I'm just thinking it might be better for you to sort of remove yourself from being inbetween your sister and your bil. I may not be reading this right and if that is the case, please ignore. It was just a thought that came to me.

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I'm so sorry; how terribly sad for everyone. Something occured to me as I was reading about your situation. Would it be possible for your husband to be a "listening ear" for your bil? I'm just thinking it might be better for you to sort of remove yourself from being inbetween your sister and your bil. I may not be reading this right and if that is the case, please ignore. It was just a thought that came to me.

 

Yes, I think this would be a good idea. I don't think he has anyone other than his mom. That's one of the reasons I wanted to make sure I was supportive of him. He has had a rough go w/the job losses and my sister telling him she had no faith in him sure hasn't helped. Also, I think having another guy would be good. The most important thing is I want to offer him support. I want him to know that he isn't alone in this. For me, that is really important. He's just been through too much.

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