BakersDozen Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I do not like to be around or with my dh when I am emotional. For example, last March when I thought I was losing the pregnancy I drove myself to the hospital, went for tests and ultrasounds by myself because I needed to react privately whether in joy or grief. I was thankful dh wasn't with me when I cried out for the life of my baby (babies!) and had he been with me I would not have been able to even cry. Tonight dh is at the store and I'm grateful for that because someone posted a photo of the tombstone of my sweet friend who passed away in December. Even though I know she is gone, seeing that picture made me hardly able to breathe. I had to cry but could not have done so if dh was here. I'm OK crying with other women (unless it is a "forced" emotional situation such as a women's retreat...I detest those things) but I can't do so with my dh around. Is this strange? Or wrong? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 It's not strange or wrong. If you were my client, I'd ask questions about your Dad, especially, and your feelings about how men perceive range of emotion. I'd also ask you about your history with DH when you *do* show the grief-based emotions. I prefer to feel, emote, and process solo. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Even if it is a little unusual, it can't possibly be wrong. There are no undeniable laws of the universe relating to crying! I found emotional intimacy quite difficult when I was younger. I'm an introvert, so I don't imagine I'll grow out of it completely, but I've grown out of most. I used to have to hide my face under the doona during some conversations with dh so he couldn't look at me! The poor fella, he couldn't lip read with a blanket over my face, but he was patient. :lol: So, if there is anything odd, you aren't the only odd one in the world. Except we probably aren't odd, since Joanne said we weren't. :D :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tapasnaturalles Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I don't think there's a right or wrong in this. What you feel can never be right or wrong. I'm the opposite. DH is my go to person when I feel bad and need a shoulder to cry on, which happens a lot ;) I don't have anyone else in my life to do that with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Not right or wrong. For dh and I, our relationship is about being one. Not sharing our joys, fears, or sadnesses with each other puts up walls and that is definitely not what we want for our marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 As others have said, I don't think there's a right or wrong in this situation, but you might want to ask your dh how he feels about being excluded from your emotions. If it really bothers him, you may want to think about trying to include him a bit more when you're feeling emotional, but if both of you are fine with the way things are, I don't see any harm in it. I will say, though, that I think my own dh's feelings would be quite hurt if I shared all of my emotions with friends, but not with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 Except we probably aren't odd, since Joanne said we weren't. Hooray! Thank you, Joanne! :D but you might want to ask your dh how he feels about being excluded from your emotions. I have asked him and he would like for there to be more emotional connection/interaction between us yet the problem is that when I'm emotional I want to just work through it and move on. He wants to "help". He tries to analyze and he's 110% wrong every time. Then I get more upset...it's not good. I don't get emotional often yet when I do it's very intense and short-lived. I just need the meltdown, the floodgates open...like a microburst. I want to be in my own space and have the freedom to react in whatever way I want as well as the freedom to turn the spigot off, say, "OK, that's enough of that!" and go do a load of laundry without anything further being said or done. My dh doesn't get that. I don't mean to put up walls in my marriage and I surely don't intend to hurt my dh's feelings by opening up to friends more than to him, yet women just understand better (imo) the process of a meltdown. And yes, I have tried approaching my dh and saying something to the effect of, "Honey, I need to talk about something but that's all I want, please. I don't want to hash this out or have you feel you have to fix anything. Just listen, let me cry, and that's it, OK?" He agrees but guess what? He just has to try and fix things. His "fixing" usually leds to more of a mess. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I have asked him and he would like for there to be more emotional connection/interaction between us yet the problem is that when I'm emotional I want to just work through it and move on. He wants to "help". He tries to analyze and he's 110% wrong every time. Then I get more upset...it's not good. Instruct him that the only correct response (the only way to FIX this) is "That's terrible! What ridiculous people! Of course you are right and if they were here, I'd give them a piece of my mind!" :D And reassure him that he doesn't have to say it truthfully. :lol: :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I don't think it is strange or wrong. Some people are more private than others. I would definitely prefer to be emotional around my husband vs. being with female friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 As you can see you're not alone. I like to " hide and lick the wounds" according to dh. If that's how you feel that's how you feel.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 There is no right or wrong here. Some men don't know how to react supportively. I also have a "microbust" (perfect term!) and then go do a load of laundry. It doesn't mean a think about the quality or value of your relationship with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I don't think you're wrong. I think your DH needs to accept that this is how you handle emotions. I'm assuming this is not a new behavior. You can still include him after your private time. However, I do think he has a right to be upset if you talk about serious, emotional situations with friends before him, most especially when they involve him. Just like you, he has his own way of handling emotional situations and both of you need to find a middle ground that respects your personal ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danielle1746 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 However, I do think he has a right to be upset if you talk about serious, emotional situations with friends before him, most especially when they involve him. Just like you, he has his own way of handling emotional situations and both of you need to find a middle ground that respects your personal ways. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I don't think there's a right or wrong in this.What you feel can never be right or wrong. I'm the opposite. DH is my go to person when I feel bad and need a shoulder to cry on, which happens a lot ;) I don't have anyone else in my life to do that with. :iagree:I'm an extremely emotional person, but not many peole know that. My DH, however, knows it ALL. He is the only person that where I know that I can be 100% ME. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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