lighthouseacademy Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 I have noticed several moms mention that they are of the courting mindset. Please explain what the difference between courting and dating is. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 In a nutshell, there's no dating, which is in a sense shopping around for a spouse, and can involve many different relationships before there's anything serious. Courting is a serious relationship, the end result of which is marriage. Sometimes parents make the arrangements--really; sometimes the couple get to know each other through group activities (or other well-chaperoned events), and they may decide to enter into courtship, at the end of which they will be married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Well, courting doesn't always end in marriage, but that's the idea. Mostly what I've figured out about courting is that there are lots of different interpretations of what it involves. Ds has a friend that was courting, but did not end in marriage. I think it's more getting to know each other under supervision. (???) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 In our home, there is no dating, however, we realize there will come a time when our sons will need to get to know someone better to determine if she is a good match. Because none of this "good match" stuff is necessary prior to our sons being ready for marriage -- emotionally, spiritually, financially, our sons do not pursue any getting to know another lady better before it's time. While this is happening, it is a good time to spend family to family so that our sons can get to know young ladies, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 my husband and I courted. It was a new thing for my husband!! he had dated girls before he met me. my parents definition on courting is that we were NEVER alone. we always had a chaperon, ( all of my 7 younger siblings) wherever we went. my husband found the whole thing very amusing. he said it made everything more exiting:001_huh:. we had a very short engagement (3 months) I think my mum found it to stressful keeping up the chaperoning.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lighthouseacademy Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 As a youth, the church I belong to counseled no dating before 16. And then, those "dates" should not be exclusive but should be group and maybe double dates of friends. Only when one is ready to marry should one begin to pursue an individual relationship. Furthermore, I have heard some leaders advise a long "courtship" and short engagement. I definitely see the wisdom in the counsel. To my mind I thought that this was "courtship" but it seems that there are different definitions. Please further explain what courtship would look like. There was one person I "dated" for a while, who was a great person, but THANKFULLY I did not marry him- he was definitely NOT serious enough for me. We had talked about marriage many times though. He still holds a place of fondness, like I said he was a great person, but definitely not the type for me... so if your children only are serious about one person then how do you know that the situation isn't like I described? I am talking about maintaining chastity in all of this of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Q Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 I read so many conflicting things about courting and there was a lot we did not like, but my husband and I knew that dating the way most people seem to (and we did!) was not the way to go. So, we are defining courting for our children as not entering into a relationship before they would be able to be married. If they were to enter into a relationship it would be for the purpose of getting to know each other and seeing if the relationship will lead to marriage, not for fun or because he is *hot* or because it is nice to have someone to spend your weekends with. But we would not see it as definitely leading to marriage - how would they know before they got to know each other? I would love to find a way to be sure that my children's hearts will never be broken but that may not work. We can only work towards having both kids, right at the start, being mature enough to be as thoughtful and kind towards each other as possible, no matter what the outcome. But we are not making any exact rules yet about how these relationships will play out. So much depends on the age (we will have different rules/expectations of a daughter of 20 than of a daughter of 27 - make sense?) and situation (in college? working full time? able to support themselves?) of the kids. The book that I found most helpful was 5 paths. If you scroll down to the reviews, the first should be by Tim Challies - he gives a very helpful overview! Hth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 I think there are a lot of definitions and who knows what anyone is going to call it regardless of what it looks like. How is that: no answer :) Anyway, for us: (btw, let me preface this with the fact that neither hubby nor I did anything even similar to the following; we only wish and want what we feel is better for our kids) we believe that there should never be a time when people of the opposite sex would be alone together (even when one or both parties are married, unless married to one another of course!). For example, I needed a test done at the hospital and a man from my congregation was willing to take me but my teen daughter accompanied us. So "dating" would be done mostly in family settings, maybe group settings for adults. this has been strongly encouraged with our children all along from us and our religion so they "get it." Now, *I* say that a person needs to be fairly mature before "dating" or "courting" whatever you want to call it. I told my kids that I'd like to see them wait til at least 21, if not 24. That gets them through the time they are learning about themselves, still growing (thinking skills continue til 24), are able to take care of themselves and a family, etc. My daughter has no interest in boys or dating or marriage or having biological children. So the above is a non-issue with her so far. She does believe the person's first kiss, date, etc would be after a person says "I do." This is more of a personal belief she holds. I wouldn't guess most people we know would go quite that far. My son disagrees with me :) He thinks some people could start "dating" (agreeing to the parameters above though) as young as 15-17yrs old depending on the people involved. He also thinks it's fine to get married in early adulthood. This may be a situation where what we did may say more than what we say (something for all people to consider). He's not seeing that though as there is only one young married couple in our congregation; most the young adults are single and plan to stay that way for at least a good while. If they wait 1-5 more years then court for 1-2 years, then they'll be almost 30 (and some over 30) before marrying. Again, MY hope is at least 20's if not mid-20's. I'm hoping between our beliefs and what he's seeing, he'll change his mind. BTW: one would "court" or "date" someone they already knew to SOME extent. They would be part of our community or congregation or a neighboring one. They would be someone who others (family friends, elders, etc) could tell you more about. It wouldn't be that you met someone Tuesday and went out with them Friday night. It would be that you met them 8 months (or 5years) ago, have talked to them at a several gatherings, have learned they are the type of person you'd like to get to know with a view to marriage THEN you'd "court" or "date." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Boy, it realy depends on who you ask. I've heard people say they are against courtship and then explain what they do instead, which is exactly what someone else who is following courtship is doing, LOL. And vice versa. To us, it means that: (1.) We are raising our children in a close family relationship in which they will WANT to seek our guidance in making one of the most important decisions in their life. (2.) Our children (I would say daughters, but with girls these days...sigh...) will be protected by us, to the extent possible, from being taken advantage of by a member of the opposite sex. (3.) Our chidren will not give themselves away, physcially or mentally, over and over before they marry. We feel that that is just practicing for divorce. (4.) My son will seek the approval of the father/family of the girl he intends to marry, and will only pursue her without it in an extreme circumstance. (5.) Our daughters will only be pursued by someone who meets our approval. We, in turn, will not be overly idealistic or turn away lightly someone she prefers. It also means we are working NOW to discuss with them what a marriage is and what is deirable in a mate. And, above all, it means that we will seek God's will in all of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 my husband and I courted. It was a new thing for my husband!! he had dated girls before he met me.my parents definition on courting is that we were NEVER alone. we always had a chaperon, ( all of my 7 younger siblings) wherever we went. my husband found the whole thing very amusing. he said it made everything more exiting:001_huh:. we had a very short engagement (3 months) I think my mum found it to stressful keeping up the chaperoning.:lol: Sounds like fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lighthouseacademy Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 Now, *I* say that a person needs to be fairly mature before "dating" or "courting" whatever you want to call it. I told my kids that I'd like to see them wait til at least 21, if not 24. That gets them through the time they are learning about themselves, still growing (thinking skills continue til 24), are able to take care of themselves and a family, etc. I have to laugh at your definition of ready to marry... that was my original opinion as a teen... then the Lord stepped in. I married at 19 and will be celebrating my 10 yr anniversary this coming September to my best friend and love of my life. We have had a GREAT marriage... and I DID graduate from college... and just completed my Masters of Herbology... LOL But I do see what you are saying. Most in our society are DEFINATELY not ready for marriage at 19 or 20 or even 23 or 24. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Just curious what it is about dating that you guys don't like? Also, what about males and females being friends. If your daughters best pal is a boy, do you still let them hang out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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