Concerns over my 9dd's attitude...

[Kim in SouthGa]

My 9 dd seems to be obsessed with all things Disney (tween Disney, that is..think Hannah Montana, Jonas Bros, etc). I have seen such a change in her over the last year. She is constantly looking at herself in th mirror, worrying about her clothes and jewelery and such. We don't even let her watch tv that much. We let them watch the new tween Disney movies when they come out, and occassionally a dvd or a couple of episodes when the boys are not home and she is bored. But she does listen to the cds quite a bit. She also seems to have no concern for anyone but herself, and can get pretty ugly to her brothers. So my dh said this morning we are going to take all the Disney stuff away from her, and NO tv at all (maybe some Little House or I Love Lucy). Only Christian music. My fear is that we will make her hate all things Christian if we push too hard. Can someone with some experience please help me out here? How much is too much?

[Joanne]

According to a recent thread/poll on this board, I am pretty liberal in terms of media, pop culture and teen culture exposure with my kids in comparison to this board.

 

However, if any one of my children showed a hyperfocus on something they were unable to moderate, I'd remove that something immediately.

 

In your specific case, I wouldn't "push" or even intentially provide Christian music, etc. But I would find and start participating in family service work to help my child's thinking move into more meaningful, less self-centered and vain ponderings.

[Remudamom]

We've never had any of the tween stuff from Disney here. I don't see any redeeming values here. My kids think HM is a Walmart salesperson.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

According to a recent thread/poll on this board, I am pretty liberal in terms of media, pop culture and teen culture exposure with my kids in comparison to this board.

 

However, if any one of my children showed a hyperfocus on something they were unable to moderate, I'd remove that something immediately.

 

In your specific case, I wouldn't "push" or even intentially provide Christian music, etc. But I would find and start participating in family service work to help my child's thinking move into more meaningful, less self-centered and vain ponderings.

 

 

:iagree:What she said!:D

[Sophia]

we have done the same thing with our dd when she gets obsessive over trendy things.

She has not ended up hating all things Christian, probably, because I really like the cd's I encourage her to listen to, and it ends up becoming a shared interest, whereas she knows I'm not keen on Disney pop stars.

We also talk a lot about why I prefer she not become obsessed with people seeking to glorify themselves at our expense.

The shallowness, the Hollywood culture, etc.

Obviously with a 9 y.o. I am careful with what I say, but she gets the point.

Fortunately, my 9 y.o. looks up to my 12 y.o. who has very little patience with pop culture, so her influence helps.

 

Just wanted to encourage you; I think you can still redirect her tastes toward wholesome materials as long as you are enjoying it with her, and thus making it more attractive.

Hope that makes sense~I'm still working on my first cup of coffee :tongue_smilie:

[Tracey in TX]

My 9 dd seems to be obsessed with all things Disney (tween Disney, that is..think Hannah Montana, Jonas Bros, etc). I have seen such a change in her over the last year. She is constantly looking at herself in th mirror, worrying about her clothes and jewelery and such. We don't even let her watch tv that much. We let them watch the new tween Disney movies when they come out, and occassionally a dvd or a couple of episodes when the boys are not home and she is bored. But she does listen to the cds quite a bit. She also seems to have no concern for anyone but herself, and can get pretty ugly to her brothers. So my dh said this morning we are going to take all the Disney stuff away from her, and NO tv at all (maybe some Little House or I Love Lucy). Only Christian music. My fear is that we will make her hate all things Christian if we push too hard. Can someone with some experience please help me out here? How much is too much?

 

I would be concerned with replacing all DIsney with Christian because you may have an all out rebellion. With our 10y/o (always a high maintenance girl) it's most effective to take everything away and begin to earn back privileges, beginning with Christian (or whatever you find preferable). That way DD is "in charge" of what she listens to. The theory of control is sometimes better than actually having control.

 

We have three DDs. Two are girlie tomboys--most likely to be shooting items at brothers from the trees. DD (10) is just wired differently. She was fussy about clothes, hair, etc. before she was 2y/o. I certainly did NOT encourage this in any capacity and truly believe it's genetic. How can one kid be so different than the others with same set of influences, otherwise? Sorry if I'm rambling. Just trying to point out a different thought on the cause of the annoying 'tween behavior.

[at the beach]

My 9 dd seems to be obsessed with all things Disney (tween Disney, that is..think Hannah Montana, Jonas Bros, etc). I have seen such a change in her over the last year. She is constantly looking at herself in th mirror, worrying about her clothes and jewelery and such. We don't even let her watch tv that much. We let them watch the new tween Disney movies when they come out, and occassionally a dvd or a couple of episodes when the boys are not home and she is bored. But she does listen to the cds quite a bit. She also seems to have no concern for anyone but herself, and can get pretty ugly to her brothers. So my dh said this morning we are going to take all the Disney stuff away from her, and NO tv at all (maybe some Little House or I Love Lucy). Only Christian music. My fear is that we will make her hate all things Christian if we push too hard. Can someone with some experience please help me out here? How much is too much?

 

I'm in agreement with Joanne. Community service is a great idea! It'll get her mind off herself. This is a very tricky situation. I wouldn't buy her anymore of that Disney stuff, and I can see restricting TV. But not as a punishment, as something that the whole family is going to do, kwim? I'd approach this as a family thing, not a "You're not behaving and I'm cutting off the TV," kwim? Encourage her to listen to all kinds of great music. How about classical music? It doesn't have to be only Christian music IMHO. I believe there's great music across all genres, but obviously, this is just my opinion. I've seen parents restrict kids to only Christian music, and I have seen it backfire again and again with kids. This is, as I said, a tricky thing, a fine line you have to walk with your child. FWIW, your child is also approaching those tween years where kids can get more demanding, more independent. It's not easy! I have three girls, and I know of what I speak.

 

Finally, you don't mention, but who is your child hanging around with, if anyone? In this situation, I'd be looking closely at undesirable peer influence. A great book to read is Hold onto Your Kids.

 

Anita

[Hen]

I agree with Anita, I'd approach it as the whole family is cutting back on t.v.-

 

I truly think all the Disney tween stuff is awful, we don't watch any of it- the Disney channel is one that is not allowed here.

 

I wouldn't push the christian music, but maybe casually purchase one here, one there and listen to it in the car- then give it to her if she likes it.

 

I would limit time kids spend walking around with headphones or ipods in their ears- it isolates them and removes them from family life and communication.

 

I really think allowing kids to watch things that model disrespect and meanness to siblings- impacts their own behavior and thoughts. In our house we are kind to each other, and we don't watch anything that shows less than this (at least regularly).

[VaKim]

I'd definitely make any changes right away, before she is a teenager and it is much harder. The longer it is allowed to go on, the harder it will be to change.

[abbeyej]

Maybe this is just too hopelessly obvious, but have you talked to your dd about this? I think she's old enough for you to be pretty frank about your concerns, and the measures you're considering to help influence her in more positive ways. You and her father are certainly the final authority, and if you want to nix all television and secular music for a while, you have every right to do that... But perhaps being honest with her: "these are the changes we've seen in your behavior and character, and this is why that concerns us; we believe we may have made a mistake in allowing you access to materials that are encouraging those behaviors, and these are the changes we're considering to try to remedy that mistake" and see how she responds.

 

Ask for her input. Does she recognize the same problems you're pointing out? Can she understand why you're concerned? Is she willing to work with you to try to focus on more positive things? What suggestions does *she* have for better influences?

 

She may well have *good* ideas. She may *choose* to give up some things that you would otherwise be forced to "take" from her. If you don't feel that she "gets it" or is willing to make changes on her own (under your guidance), sure, you may be forced to take an authoritarian stand. But before you do that, give her the chance to reflect and make suggestions herself. You can put ideas out there without making them edicts, at least at first.

 

It gives her the chance to exercise some of that "maturity" she seems to think she has gained at the ripe old age of nine. ;) But under your careful guidance. And it gives you the chance to guide her without *fighting* her. Set a precedent for coming years. You guys are working together to help her grow into a young woman of character -- you needn't be at odds necessarily, when your final goals should pretty much align.

 

And if you have to, sure you can set down absolutes removing bad influences. I'm totally supportive of that. But give her the chance to *think* about these things first, perhaps even give her the chance to set her own boundaries (which could be stricter than what you would impose!), and then if necessary, tweak things a bit...

 

Maybe it's time for a mom-daughter date and/or a daddy-daughter date. Some one-on-one focused time to talk about how much you love her and what you want for her as she grows... And how you can work together to guide her towards becoming the woman all of you ultimately want her to be.

[Kim in SouthGa]

You've given me a lot to think about. I think one of the problems-and we are having problems with the boys as well-is the neighborhood kids. She often plays with the little girl across the street, who is a year younger and very sweet and comes from a Christian family, but she goes to ps and is all about Disney, has been to HM concert and such. Most of her hs friends know very little about it. They may watch it some, but it is not a big deal. I've been trying to convince my dh we need to move because of the bad influence some of the kids are becoming on my 12 ds. Now we have another reason:tongue_smilie: Personally, I only listen to classical and Christian music. I do this for my own reasons...I was a very wild teen, and a lot of music just brings back all those experiences I want to forget. And I dress very conservatively. I was hoping she would follow in my footsteps, but she is wired a little differently. I have the Ruby kit Proverbs 31 Bible study that we started with a group a couple of years ago, but never made it past the first couple of lessons. I am going to get this back out, and make a point to take a couple of Saturday afternoons each month to work on it with her. She really loves art also, so I am going to try to sign her up for some art lessons, maybe that we can do together. I think she has had a little too much time on her hands also. She had to quit the swim team in March, and she hasn't picked up another activity yet. We are going to tell her we are "taking a break" from all the Disney stuff for a while. We have tried talking to her, but aren't really seeing a lot of change. I told her if she didn't change, we would have to take it away, so she is expecting it. She is used to seeing her brothers get the video games taken away when they get crazy over them, so it shouldn't be too much of a shock.

 

Right after I posted my question this morning, she came in my room and asked me if she could change the baby for me. So she changed her diaper and dressed her down to the hair bow all by herself for the first time.

 

She is really a sweet girl, she just needs to find her way.

Thanks again

[summer]

We have shows we have never let our children watch. We would allow them to watch Disney shows, but we really do not purchase them or keep them around the house and so on. We have a fair list of shows not allowed. There are so many shows, not neccesarily Christian, that uphold good values, that can be on limits. Even if they don't neccesarily have good values but just don't have bad values. My children really got in to all those movies from the 80's like Explorers, Space Camp, Flight of the Navigator, etc. If you start watching those together as a family, her interests may start going that way.

[Karenciavo]

I have no girls, but I have friends with girls and it seems to me that it's a bonding thing between the girlfriends. I wouldn't move over it, but if it bothered me that much (and it would) I would limit the friendship. I actually do this already with a perfectly lovely family who allow their son to play video games what appears to be constantly in his spare time.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I'd explain to her the reasons why the shows are inappropiate (kids pretending to handle adult situations, mocking adults). I would encourage you to let dd learn how to encourage her neighborhood friend out of the Disney chaos, instead of removing her. If she knows what's real and true from you, and can sharew it with her friend, then she will grow in her own faith at the same time.