I was just told I'm expected to go to dinner

[stripe]

It's clear she likes cheese!

[Shannon in TN]

Wow.

 

 

I could make a flip remark because the lady just begs for it, but in all seriousness, Audrey, you have been so very gracious through all this.

 

:iagree:

 

 

Hmmm, I wonder if she did not really expect you to show up and just pulled out some odds and ends she had in her pantry and freezer when you told her you were. Who serves guests frozen pizza and kraft dinner. That's what I would make for my kids when dh is out of town or if my picky bil was coming to dinner.....lol

 

:iagree:

 

I can't imagine inviting someone over for the first time for dinner and serving this! Sheesh!

 

Audrey, I read your follow up comments and really do feel sorry for this lady. She clearly needs some education about food, whether she realizes it or not. I'm sorry it's too stressful because I get the feeling you could certainly enlighten her. (plus I bet the stories would be entertaining!)

 

After reading the menu, i'm even more certain her dh loved your dinner and might have been a bit embarrassed about the whole deal.

[Shannon in TN]

It's clear she likes cheese!

 

But I thought there was supposed to be "no dairy" on the menu :001_huh:

[stripe]

Hmmm, I wonder if she did not really expect you to show up and just pulled out some odds and ends she had in her pantry and freezer when you told her you were. Who serves guests frozen pizza and kraft dinner. That's what I would make for my kids when dh is out of town or if my picky bil was coming to dinner.....lol

Right, but if she doesn't want to eat those things, why would she even have them in her house?

 

As Audrey said, she doesn't even know what things are. "Gluten free" has nothing to do with yeast, which pizza crust normally does have in it anyway, and two items on her menu included cheese, which is dairy, which she supposedly doesn't eat. Not to mention the nightshades issue.

[RegularMom]

Wow. Her menu was so bizarre, it sounds like some episode of Chopped gone horribly wrong. My stomach is sort of sensitive. I don't have food allergies per se, but I do have bad reactions to certain additives, like MSG. It would have been very difficult for me to eat that meal, and I would have definitely needed some sort of over the counter remedy afterwards.

 

I agree that she seems to have some sort of mental disorder, and I think you've gone above and beyond being gracious to her. I hope it ends here, but I also suspect that she will try to keep this relationship going because you are probably one of the very few people who actually are gracious to her.

 

Be ready for it if and when she wants to spend more time with you. ICK.

 

Well done, Audrey. You are awesome. :)

[laundrycrisis]

I do think she has neurological differences. She may be an Aspie with some other stuff going on as well. I do feel sorry for her. She sounds very socially impaired.

[Parrothead]

Wow! That is one confused lady.

 

I'd be sorely tempted to get her a magazine subscription (anonymously) so she can learn what gluten, dairy, nightshades, etc. are.

[mom2scouts]

This story is just so bizarre. I dislike cooking and don't like to be in the kitchen when we have guests, so I might just invite you over for pizza (more than one!), hamburgers on the grill, or spaghetti. However, I would never tell someone I could teach them to cook, give a huge list of restrictions, complain about the meal, and then serve that to invited guests. I might not think anything about it if you were there at dinner time and they just pulled out whatever they had and shared, but with the previous experience it just leaves me shaking my head. I'd really love to know what drives this woman's food issues.

[kewb]

But I thought there was supposed to be "no dairy" on the menu :001_huh:

 

Come now, everyone knows that cheese doesn't count as dairy. Only milk in milk form is dairy. Cheese, butter, yogurt....all okay.

[Mrs Mungo]

I was able to find out that she does not actually know what a nightshade or a brassica is. She specifically stated we were having none at the meal because those "give you bowel cancer."

 

 

We gleaned a bit more info on the food selections from her lecture, but it seems that she isn't really aware of what a nightshade or a brassica is, and her understanding of gluten is clearly not accurate. She told us that "since there is no yeast in pizza dough, there is no gluten."

 

I must have my own personality deficiencies because I would not have been able to let it slide. I would have *had* to have said something like, "you know, I'm pretty sure that tomatoes are in the nightshade family; you might want to look that up." And then, "you do realize that gluten in a protein found in many grains-wheat, barely and so forth?" I seriously would not have been able to not say anything. It is amazing to me that you were able to let it all slide.

[elise1mds]

After your explanation, I kind of think the whole situation is rather sad. It makes me wonder what her husband and kids have to deal with on a regular basis if this is the side that she manages to show in public. I can't blame you one iota for trying to minimize the amount of time that you guys deal with her. She definitely needs some food education but may not really 'get' what the point of such education is, as I agree with others that she's definitely got something else going on. It's sad, really, when getting attention is more important than anything else.

[Word Nerd]

I must have my own personality deficiencies because I would not have been able to let it slide. I would have *had* to have said something like, "you know, I'm pretty sure that tomatoes are in the nightshade family; you might want to look that up." And then, "you do realize that gluten in a protein found in many grains-wheat, barely and so forth?" I seriously would not have been able to not say anything. It is amazing to me that you were able to let it all slide.

 

:iagree: I would have felt compelled to correct the misinformation or at least question her "facts," especially since they appear to have been delivered in such a condescending, didactic manner.

[AuntieM]

There's a part of me that thinks this woman is drama-seeking, and she set out a smorgasbord designed to engage you in some kind of debate.

 

Congratulations on not picking up that gauntlet.

 

Seriously, I just can't imagine any other explanation.

[Alphabetika]

Wow. Did she at least give you some dijon ketchup to go with it? (Sorry, that's what Kraft dinner always make me think of!)

 

 

Well, now the Barenaked Ladies song is going through my head at top volume! Someone get me some pre-wrapped bacon! :lol:

 

I think we need more of a report (unless this has been done, I haven't read all the posts) on how Audrey's family reacted, and how Nutty Hostess' family behaved during the, uh, "dinner."

 

ETA: Okay, just read Audrey's post with more detail. Sad, really. Good grief.

Edited May 7, 2012 by Alphabetika

[Cindy in FL.]

Just goes to prove that the truth is stranger than fiction!

 

CNDY

[DusksAngel]

Weird. DH and I agreed, we'd have been eating out after that meal, as the only thing(s) we could have eaten were the tomato and maybe the cranberry sauce. I wonder if she was never taught the norms of entertaining guests or if she simply doesn't care... :blink:

[laundrycrisis]

I am afraid this will be somewhat anti-climactic. Apologies for those who had hoped for drama. There was none. It simply went like this:

 

We did get ready to go, and at about 5:30, I got a phone call from her saying "you're coming at six." I replied, "of course!" with as much cheeriness as I could possibly muster. It was actually a lot of cheeriness because I was truly looking forward to this. We arrived 5 minutes early. We know it was 5 minutes early because she mentioned that throughout the evening several times.

 

The meal was nice, but curious. Considering the list of restrictions she had given me, I was a bit confused to be served frozen pizza with cheese and most certainly with a wheat crust. We had the one 12" inch pepperoni pizza for the 7 of us which doesn't seem like a lot, but she also served creamed corn, homemade cranberry sauce, cut up tomatoes, sweet pickles, Kraft dinner and a rainbow jello salad with marshmallows for dessert. Everything was tasty.

 

The dinner conversation had been carefully prepared ahead of time and consisted solely of an informative lecture on how serving a variety of foods was important. I certainly agreed with her and complimented her on what a lovely job she had done accomplishing just that. As soon as everyone had finished eating, she graciously showed us to the door and said good-bye.

 

We thanked her for an unforgettable evening. And that was it!

 

Here is my guess at interpreting her actions. I do not think she is trying to play tricks on you or mess with you. I think she is an Aspie who is very socially impaired and she is trying to work through a social situation that is very difficult for her. As an adult I have realized that my own dad was an undiagnosed Aspie. I recognize many aspects of her behavior.

 

Her strange behavior and comments about the food at your house - she had encountered food that was outside the probably very narrow zone of what she is used to. She may have very specific and compulsive ways of feeding herself and her family.

 

The invitation to dinner at her house - she was trying to follow what she perceives as a social rule by returning the invitation. She did it in a rigid, awkward, mechanical manner with little understanding of social nuances.

 

Her hangup about your arrival time - she was expecting a knock on the door at 6 o'clock, straight up. You didn't comply with her plan. To her, that's a big deal.

 

The dinner foods - she may have very specific ways of eating and feeding others, with a very small selection of foods that "work" for her. These may have been some of her normal foods. They may even be her favorites. My dad ate like this, and saw nothing wrong with serving his favorite foods to others. He was also beyond thrilled when he attended a dinner and found some of his favorite foods (pimiento cheese sandwiches, jello salad, macaroni).

 

The restrictions issue - I am guessing that the whole business about the dietary restrictions is a conversational mechanism. She really has little to no understanding of what these foods are or why someone might avoid them. Somewhere along the way, she got the idea that it is expected for someone to have dietary restrictions, or that it makes a person more interesting to have them. So she throws them into the interaction, like a seasoning, but really does not understand.

 

Her lecture on serving a variety of foods - she read it or heard it and is following it as a rigid rule that is important to her. She does not realize it makes for awkward conversation.

 

The rehearsed dinner conversation and mechanical conclusion of the evening - this is how my dad functioned socially. In his mind, this is how such an evening was conducted. He would have had the expectation of coffee and some dessert between dinner and the door, but it would have been just as mechanical.

 

I realize that interacting with someone like this catches most people off guard and is a very puzzling experience. I understand that it is easy to call someone like this "crazy". What she does and says makes sense to her. I do not think she is being malicious or trying to tweak you.

Edited May 7, 2012 by laundrycrisis

[KnitWit]

As much as we do feel a kind of sympathy for her, though, we really can't be engaging with her on a regular basis. It is very stressful being around her, and we're not stress-loving people. We like to be laid back with our friends and we aren't masochists either. Her dh and kids are really nice people, but as a package deal, she's the deal breaker, I'm afraid. I just don't have that kind of emotional energy to devote to trying to befriend her.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but to paraphrase.... "a gal's gotta know her limits."

 

I completely *get* this.

[Desert Rat]

Here is my guess at interpreting her actions. I do not think she is trying to play tricks on you or mess with you. I think she is an Aspie who is very socially impaired and she is trying to work through a social situation that is very difficult for her. As an adult I have realized that my own dad was an undiagnosed Aspie. I recognize many aspects of her behavior.

 

Her strange behavior and comments about the food at your house - she had encountered food that was outside the probably very narrow zone of what she is used to. She may have very specific and compulsive ways of feeding herself and her family.

 

The invitation to dinner at her house - she was trying to follow what she perceives as a social rule by returning the invitation. She did it in a rigid, awkward, mechanical manner with little understanding of social nuances.

 

Her hangup about your arrival time - she was expecting a knock on the door at 6 o'clock, straight up. You didn't comply with her plan. To her, that's a big deal.

 

The dinner foods - she may have very specific ways of eating and feeding others, with a very small selection of foods that "work" for her. These may have been some of her normal foods. They may even be her favorites. My dad ate like this, and saw nothing wrong with serving his favorite foods to others. He was also beyond thrilled when he attended a dinner and found some of his favorite foods (pimiento cheese sandwiches, jello salad, macaroni).

 

The restrictions issue - I am guessing that the whole business about the dietary restrictions is a conversational mechanism. She really has little to no understanding of what these foods are or why someone might avoid them. Somewhere along the way, she got the idea that it is expected for someone to have dietary restrictions, or that it makes a person more interesting to have them. So she throws them into the interaction, like a seasoning, but really does not understand.

 

Her lecture on serving a variety of foods - she read it or heard it and is following it as a rigid rule that is important to her. She does not realize it makes for awkward conversation.

 

The rehearsed dinner conversation and mechanical conclusion of the evening - this is how my dad functioned socially. In his mind, this is how such an evening was conducted. He would have had the expectation of coffee and some dessert between dinner and the door, but it would have been just as mechanical.

 

I realize that interacting with someone like this catches most people off guard and is a very puzzling experience. I understand that it is easy to call someone like this "crazy". What she does and says makes sense to her. I do not think she is being malicious or trying to tweak you.

 

:iagree: While I didn't think about every action in detail, this rings true for me and makes me very sad. There's a guy at my sons' pokemon club like this. High functioning aspie, it looks like. He has very rigid social cues, taught and engrained, that he follows. My own ds12 has some of these cues because he is a bit on the quirky side and I've taught him to say certain things in certain situations. I can hear the scripted words come out of his mouth, I just hope they don't sound scripted to others.

 

Audrey, it is wonderful that you were able to have dinner at her house and show her graciousness and kindness. I would have done the same thing. It's hard to watch some people struggle so hard. I would have been very sad (after I'd had a good chuckle-after all, it is a comical situation). Aw. I feel so sad for that lady.

[Desert Strawberry]

Here is my guess at interpreting her actions. I do not think she is trying to play tricks on you or mess with you. I think she is an Aspie who is very socially impaired and she is trying to work through a social situation that is very difficult for her. As an adult I have realized that my own dad was an undiagnosed Aspie. I recognize many aspects of her behavior.

 

Her strange behavior and comments about the food at your house - she had encountered food that was outside the probably very narrow zone of what she is used to. She may have very specific and compulsive ways of feeding herself and her family.

 

The invitation to dinner at her house - she was trying to follow what she perceives as a social rule by returning the invitation. She did it in a rigid, awkward, mechanical manner with little understanding of social nuances.

 

Her hangup about your arrival time - she was expecting a knock on the door at 6 o'clock, straight up. You didn't comply with her plan. To her, that's a big deal.

 

The dinner foods - she may have very specific ways of eating and feeding others, with a very small selection of foods that "work" for her. These may have been some of her normal foods. They may even be her favorites. My dad ate like this, and saw nothing wrong with serving his favorite foods to others. He was also beyond thrilled when he attended a dinner and found some of his favorite foods (pimiento cheese sandwiches, jello salad, macaroni).

 

The restrictions issue - I am guessing that the whole business about the dietary restrictions is a conversational mechanism. She really has little to no understanding of what these foods are or why someone might avoid them. Somewhere along the way, she got the idea that it is expected for someone to have dietary restrictions, or that it makes a person more interesting to have them. So she throws them into the interaction, like a seasoning, but really does not understand.

 

Her lecture on serving a variety of foods - she read it or heard it and is following it as a rigid rule that is important to her. She does not realize it makes for awkward conversation.

 

The rehearsed dinner conversation and mechanical conclusion of the evening - this is how my dad functioned socially. In his mind, this is how such an evening was conducted. He would have had the expectation of coffee and some dessert between dinner and the door, but it would have been just as mechanical.

 

I realize that interacting with someone like this catches most people off guard and is a very puzzling experience. I understand that it is easy to call someone like this "crazy". What she does and says makes sense to her. I do not think she is being malicious or trying to tweak you.

 

 

This rings very true to me.

My only addition is that food is one of the main areas where control is often focussed. From toddlers refusing to eat to those who an extreme stance on avoiding certain foods, to those who cannot accept others' food intolerances.

She does sound like she is struggling with some serious difficulties. SHe clearly has heard inforamtion about good and bad foods, but does not know how to apply this information to actual food in a factual manner. My oldest in on the spectrum as well, and he gets very hung up on good vs bad foods. He equate unhealthy or allergenic foods with poison. We have had to work very hard to impress upon him that less healthy foods are ok to eat sometimes. He is convinced that if our dog eats brownie crumbs she will have a heart attack and die on the spot. He rushed her off to her kennel this morning because he was very worried that she was too close to the highchair while the baby was eating a brownie.

[AuntieM]

Here is my guess at interpreting her actions. I do not think she is trying to play tricks on you or mess with you. I think she is an Aspie who is very socially impaired and she is trying to work through a social situation that is very difficult for her. As an adult I have realized that my own dad was an undiagnosed Aspie. I recognize many aspects of her behavior.

 

Her strange behavior and comments about the food at your house - she had encountered food that was outside the probably very narrow zone of what she is used to. She may have very specific and compulsive ways of feeding herself and her family.

 

The invitation to dinner at her house - she was trying to follow what she perceives as a social rule by returning the invitation. She did it in a rigid, awkward, mechanical manner with little understanding of social nuances.

 

Her hangup about your arrival time - she was expecting a knock on the door at 6 o'clock, straight up. You didn't comply with her plan. To her, that's a big deal.

 

The dinner foods - she may have very specific ways of eating and feeding others, with a very small selection of foods that "work" for her. These may have been some of her normal foods. They may even be her favorites. My dad ate like this, and saw nothing wrong with serving his favorite foods to others. He was also beyond thrilled when he attended a dinner and found some of his favorite foods (pimiento cheese sandwiches, jello salad, macaroni).

 

The restrictions issue - I am guessing that the whole business about the dietary restrictions is a conversational mechanism. She really has little to no understanding of what these foods are or why someone might avoid them. Somewhere along the way, she got the idea that it is expected for someone to have dietary restrictions, or that it makes a person more interesting to have them. So she throws them into the interaction, like a seasoning, but really does not understand.

 

Her lecture on serving a variety of foods - she read it or heard it and is following it as a rigid rule that is important to her. She does not realize it makes for awkward conversation.

 

The rehearsed dinner conversation and mechanical conclusion of the evening - this is how my dad functioned socially. In his mind, this is how such an evening was conducted. He would have had the expectation of coffee and some dessert between dinner and the door, but it would have been just as mechanical.

 

I realize that interacting with someone like this catches most people off guard and is a very puzzling experience. I understand that it is easy to call someone like this "crazy". What she does and says makes sense to her. I do not think she is being malicious or trying to tweak you.

 

I really appreciate your insight here! I have not had the opportunity to interact with an adult on the spectrum and I would not have been able to distinguish/interpret this behavior pattern. Thanks for the challenge to stretch my compassion.

[kwg]

but why would she make op feel bad? Like offering to give her cooking lessons?

[laundrycrisis]

I really appreciate your insight here! I have not had the opportunity to interact with an adult on the spectrum and I would not have been able to distinguish/interpret this behavior pattern. Thanks for the challenge to stretch my compassion.

 

You are welcome. Two books I have read recently have helped me to understand more:

 

Be Different: My Adventures with Asperger's and My Advice for Fellow Aspergians, Misfits, Families, and Teachers by John Elder Robison

 

Pretending to Be Normal: Living With Asperger's Syndrome by Liane Holliday Willey

 

When I read these, I found my dad, I found our son, and I found some big chunks of myself.

[Desert Strawberry]

but why would she make op feel bad? Like offering to give her cooking lessons?

 

I'm absolutely certain that it was not her intention to make her feel bad. SHe doesn't view the world the way the rest of us do. SHe has clearly defined categories of acceptable and unacceptable foods. These childish comfort foods that she served are undoubtedly the foods she grew up eating. For her, anything outside of the familiar is bad. The foods that Audrey served are unfamiliar and unacceptable to her. SHe can't see the value in them. She thinks that her way is right and Audrey is doing it wrong. SHe knows her own rules, but can't express them effectively. She lacks the insight to evaluate her own standards. So she is taking things that she has heard and applying them (inaccurately) to the foods that she likes and feels comfortable with.

SHe doesn't view her words as hurtful because she lacks the ability to see herself objectively. This is something that lots of spectrum people struggle with. My son, this morning said, "Mom, did you sleep well?" And I said, yes. He responded cheerfully,"I thought so, because you aren't as grumpy as usual." :001_huh: He thought he was giving me a compliment. It sounded nice to him.

[laundrycrisis]

but why would she make op feel bad? Like offering to give her cooking lessons?

 

I don't know. My dad often said things that sounded very cutting. He was just calling it like he saw it. I think it puzzled him that others were offended by this. Or he knew they wouldn't like it, but thought that it was still something they would benefit from hearing. I wish I had understood him better while he was alive. Probably I wouldn't have taken things so personally, or resented his gruff manners so much, and I would have had more compassion for him.

Edited May 7, 2012 by laundrycrisis
forgot an important word !

[Kathryn]

Here is my guess at interpreting her actions. I do not think she is trying to play tricks on you or mess with you. I think she is an Aspie who is very socially impaired and she is trying to work through a social situation that is very difficult for her. As an adult I have realized that my own dad was an undiagnosed Aspie. I recognize many aspects of her behavior.

 

Her strange behavior and comments about the food at your house - she had encountered food that was outside the probably very narrow zone of what she is used to. She may have very specific and compulsive ways of feeding herself and her family.

 

The invitation to dinner at her house - she was trying to follow what she perceives as a social rule by returning the invitation. She did it in a rigid, awkward, mechanical manner with little understanding of social nuances.

 

Her hangup about your arrival time - she was expecting a knock on the door at 6 o'clock, straight up. You didn't comply with her plan. To her, that's a big deal.

 

The dinner foods - she may have very specific ways of eating and feeding others, with a very small selection of foods that "work" for her. These may have been some of her normal foods. They may even be her favorites. My dad ate like this, and saw nothing wrong with serving his favorite foods to others. He was also beyond thrilled when he attended a dinner and found some of his favorite foods (pimiento cheese sandwiches, jello salad, macaroni).

 

The restrictions issue - I am guessing that the whole business about the dietary restrictions is a conversational mechanism. She really has little to no understanding of what these foods are or why someone might avoid them. Somewhere along the way, she got the idea that it is expected for someone to have dietary restrictions, or that it makes a person more interesting to have them. So she throws them into the interaction, like a seasoning, but really does not understand.

 

Her lecture on serving a variety of foods - she read it or heard it and is following it as a rigid rule that is important to her. She does not realize it makes for awkward conversation.

 

The rehearsed dinner conversation and mechanical conclusion of the evening - this is how my dad functioned socially. In his mind, this is how such an evening was conducted. He would have had the expectation of coffee and some dessert between dinner and the door, but it would have been just as mechanical.

 

I realize that interacting with someone like this catches most people off guard and is a very puzzling experience. I understand that it is easy to call someone like this "crazy". What she does and says makes sense to her. I do not think she is being malicious or trying to tweak you.

 

I'm absolutely certain that it was not her intention to make her feel bad. SHe doesn't view the world the way the rest of us do. SHe has clearly defined categories of acceptable and unacceptable foods. These childish comfort foods that she served are undoubtedly the foods she grew up eating. For her, anything outside of the familiar is bad. The foods that Audrey served are unfamiliar and unacceptable to her. SHe can't see the value in them. She thinks that her way is right and Audrey is doing it wrong. SHe knows her own rules, but can't express them effectively. She lacks the insight to evaluate her own standards. So she is taking things that she has heard and applying them (inaccurately) to the foods that she likes and feels comfortable with.

SHe doesn't view her words as hurtful because she lacks the ability to see herself objectively. This is something that lots of spectrum people struggle with. My son, this morning said, "Mom, did you sleep well?" And I said, yes. He responded cheerfully,"I thought so, because you aren't as grumpy as usual." :001_huh: He thought he was giving me a compliment. It sounded nice to him.

 

:iagree: I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to continue the relationship and commend you for your graciousness. These posts sum up my thoughts on her from what you've said.

[KungFuPanda]

She must know how to make TeA really well. It's the only way that family makes sense to me. :D

[delaney]

I am speechless....and that has never happened.:001_huh:

[laundrycrisis]

She must know how to make TeA really well. It's the only way that family makes sense to me. :D

 

Or, she found someone who took the time to get to know her well enough to see beyond the outer layers of social awkwardness and her differences in thinking and communicating, to meet the person underneath all of that. And he found the woman he loves.

[SKL]

I could not begin to attempt a diagnosis, but to me it seems clear that this woman has significant issues, and I sincerely feel badly for that entire family.

 

Audrey, I think you may be the husband and children's favorite person right now, and you deserve to be. A little patch of normalcy in a life that must be very uncomfortable (at least when they have to be social).

 

My uncle's wife has mental problems and nobody can stand to be around her (she says extremely hurtful, personal things that are too hard to blow off). He has seen his only sister (my mom) and family once in maybe 10 years, despite living only about 1.5 hour drive away. His daughter is also isolated. Some blame him to an extent, but he truly is between a rock and a hard place.

[kwg]

I'm absolutely certain that it was not her intention to make her feel bad. SHe doesn't view the world the way the rest of us do. SHe has clearly defined categories of acceptable and unacceptable foods. These childish comfort foods that she served are undoubtedly the foods she grew up eating. For her, anything outside of the familiar is bad. The foods that Audrey served are unfamiliar and unacceptable to her. SHe can't see the value in them. She thinks that her way is right and Audrey is doing it wrong. SHe knows her own rules, but can't express them effectively. She lacks the insight to evaluate her own standards. So she is taking things that she has heard and applying them (inaccurately) to the foods that she likes and feels comfortable with.

SHe doesn't view her words as hurtful because she lacks the ability to see herself objectively. This is something that lots of spectrum people struggle with. My son, this morning said, "Mom, did you sleep well?" And I said, yes. He responded cheerfully,"I thought so, because you aren't as grumpy as usual." :001_huh: He thought he was giving me a compliment. It sounded nice to him.

 

I don't know. My dad often said things that sounded very cutting. He was just calling it like he saw it. I think it puzzled him that others were offended by this. Or he knew they wouldn't like it, but that it was still something they would benefit from hearing. I wish I had understood him better while he was alive. Probably I wouldn't have taken things so personally, or resented his gruff manners so much, and I would have had more compassion for him.

 

Those make sense. Thank you!

[Mothersweets]

Audrey, you are one classy lady. You were very gracious to her and I'm sure her family is grateful to you.

[mommaduck]

Here is my guess at interpreting her actions. I do not think she is trying to play tricks on you or mess with you. I think she is an Aspie who is very socially impaired and she is trying to work through a social situation that is very difficult for her. As an adult I have realized that my own dad was an undiagnosed Aspie. I recognize many aspects of her behavior.

 

Her strange behavior and comments about the food at your house - she had encountered food that was outside the probably very narrow zone of what she is used to. She may have very specific and compulsive ways of feeding herself and her family.

 

The invitation to dinner at her house - she was trying to follow what she perceives as a social rule by returning the invitation. She did it in a rigid, awkward, mechanical manner with little understanding of social nuances.

 

Her hangup about your arrival time - she was expecting a knock on the door at 6 o'clock, straight up. You didn't comply with her plan. To her, that's a big deal.

 

The dinner foods - she may have very specific ways of eating and feeding others, with a very small selection of foods that "work" for her. These may have been some of her normal foods. They may even be her favorites. My dad ate like this, and saw nothing wrong with serving his favorite foods to others. He was also beyond thrilled when he attended a dinner and found some of his favorite foods (pimiento cheese sandwiches, jello salad, macaroni).

 

The restrictions issue - I am guessing that the whole business about the dietary restrictions is a conversational mechanism. She really has little to no understanding of what these foods are or why someone might avoid them. Somewhere along the way, she got the idea that it is expected for someone to have dietary restrictions, or that it makes a person more interesting to have them. So she throws them into the interaction, like a seasoning, but really does not understand.

 

Her lecture on serving a variety of foods - she read it or heard it and is following it as a rigid rule that is important to her. She does not realize it makes for awkward conversation.

 

The rehearsed dinner conversation and mechanical conclusion of the evening - this is how my dad functioned socially. In his mind, this is how such an evening was conducted. He would have had the expectation of coffee and some dessert between dinner and the door, but it would have been just as mechanical.

 

I realize that interacting with someone like this catches most people off guard and is a very puzzling experience. I understand that it is easy to call someone like this "crazy". What she does and says makes sense to her. I do not think she is being malicious or trying to tweak you.

I think you hit the nail on the head. My mother showed signs of Aspergers also. It made her very socially awkward, embarrassed the dickens out of us kids and my stepdad, and made learning social cues and leniency very difficult for me (on top of having been bounced around in the military). So much of this reminds me of my mother. Maybe not to the extreme of picking at food during a meal (she wasn't food obsessed), but the tendency towards things and the communication mechanisms are similar. Most people didn't have the stamina to invest any time into a relationship with my mother either. It's like walking on eggshells.

Edited May 7, 2012 by mommaduck

[KungFuPanda]

Or, she found someone who took the time to get to know her well enough to see beyond the outer layers of social awkwardness and her differences in thinking and communicating, to meet the person underneath all of that. And he found the woman he loves.

 

 

Or both ;) It doesn't have to be either/or.

[stripe]

Laundrycrisis, your insights were really helpful.

[justasque]

Here is my guess at interpreting her actions. I do not think she is trying to play tricks on you or mess with you. I think she is an Aspie who is very socially impaired and she is trying to work through a social situation that is very difficult for her.

 

Yes, this makes sense. And if one had never encountered cloth napkins, one would throw them away as you do with paper ones.

 

OP, I can see that single-family socialization with this family may be too much for you, but do keep them in mind when you see opportunities for them to join you to socialize in less formal ways. If there is a park day, or a board game day, or an open house type party, or something like that, they may enjoy coming. Being able to arrive and leave on an open-ended time frame can help, so they can leave if/when she's not feeling up to it or is overwhelmed. Even if the mom doesn't go, the dad and kids would benefit. Something more socially scripted, like a board game event, might be more comfortable for the mom. We've included kids with various special needs at our gatherings over the years, and it does seem to be something they enjoy being invited to, even if sometimes they seem to ignore everyone while they're here, and sometimes they don't come at all. We just keep cheerfully inviting and let them socialize on their own terms while they're here.

[Dolphin]

:blink:

 

I'm sorry. I recognize all the words you used, Audrey, but I can't derive any meaning from them strung together like that. :blink:

 

:lol::lol: I love the way you put that.

 

Audrey, bravo to you for putting up with that!!!

 

As for the food the woman served, it makes me think of what Charlie Brown served his friends for Thanksgiving dinner.:blink:

 

This gave me such a visual:lol:

 

 

 

It does sound a lot like Aspergers. Now that you add the food variety, lots of small portions, and the lecture.

 

To keep with food and cooking, it does seem like a good idea for you to move her to a back burner. It sounds like the meal did give you some great in sight as to her behavior at your house. I am hoping you are completely over any feelings that you did anything wrong.:grouphug: I would much prefer to be invited to your house for dinner.

 

Nicole

[goldberry]

Wow. Her menu was so bizarre, it sounds like some episode of Chopped gone horribly wrong.

 

Yes!

 

"...and your basket includes Kraft Mac & Cheese, Lime Jello, and fresh cranberries. The clock starts now!"

 

:lol::lol:

[aggieamy]

Is she a child bride because it sounds like a menu my kid would come up with for company dinner. :001_smile:

 

The cranberry sauce was actually very, very good. It was homemade and had nice, subtle touches of cinnamon and nutmeg to it. I did ask her for the recipe, and she was kind enough to give it to me.

 

Would you care to share the recipe? It sounds excellent and I love cranberry sauce.

[momto2Cs]

:blink:

 

I'm sorry. I recognize all the words you used, Audrey, but I can't derive any meaning from them strung together like that. :blink:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[momto2Cs]

laundrycrisis,

I really appreciated your comments and insight on the matter. I very much suspect both my father and brother of being on the Asperger's spectrum, and yes, this is fairly similar to how they would handle this situation (except that due to watching many, many cooking shows, my brother can actually cook!) We suspect my dd's on the spectrum too, and she shows some rigidity in her thinking as well.

 

I think your explanations are the most rational I have read regarding the lady's actions!

 

Audrey,

For such a bizarre chain of events, you have definitely maintained your cool very well. I don't know that I could have done so well!

 

On a side not, I now have many more ideas for delicious, and balanced, meals!:tongue_smilie:

[aug17girl]

Reading the latest installment, I was struck by how similar the menu was to what my grandmother would have served to guests. If she was entertaining someone who was not a relative, a typical menu would have been frozen pizza and an iceberg lettuce salad with chopped veggies and a kraft processed cheese slice for garnish :tongue_smilie:. On the table would have been pickles, cut tomatoes, homemade salad dressing, and a bottle of store-bought salad dressing purchased especially for the occassion. Dessert would have been a cake from a mix or a jello salad.

 

Admittedly, my grandmother didn't entertain much, and she was an odd duck. Even though she had beef raised on her farm in the freezer, fresh milk in the fridge, eggs from her own hens, and a ton of veggies she had canned and froze, she didn't like the idea of feeding "country" food to guests. It was a hold over from her depression era upbringing of storebought food being better than what poor farmers ate.

 

Pickles and cut tomatoes (in season) were ubiquitous on her table no matter what the menu. I wonder if that part of the menu is cultural?

[Slartibartfast]

I would have only been able to eat the pickles, tomatoes and cranberry sauce. (and maybe the jello depending on whether it contained whipped cream) I would have been gobsmacked to find myself with a plate full of cheese after being told they cannot have dairy.

 

When I am not trying to move I usually grow tomatoes and serve them at every meal.

 

I am afraid others are right about her having some issues.

Edited May 7, 2012 by Sis

[catz]

I must have my own personality deficiencies because I would not have been able to let it slide. I would have *had* to have said something like, "you know, I'm pretty sure that tomatoes are in the nightshade family; you might want to look that up." And then, "you do realize that gluten in a protein found in many grains-wheat, barely and so forth?" I seriously would not have been able to not say anything. It is amazing to me that you were able to let it all slide.

 

I fully agree! Audrey, you are my hero being so gracious. That is a meal I can't imagine serving to my kids on my worst day. And that story was not anti climactic in the least!

[GraciebytheBay]

Did Ashton Kutcher jump out at the end...I swear you've been punked. I have been a lurker on this thread and have eagerly awaited this story, but I couldn't have imagined it would be this WEIRD!

 

My dh would have moved heaven and earth before he would let me serve something like that to guests or even to our family (and we are not picky)! So tell me, how on earth did you hold your tongue? I would have been so curious to know why she gave you that ridiculous list and then completely disregarded it when she cooked!? I could NOT have resisted asking her about it.

 

You handled this whole thing quite well. I hope you never have to do it again.:tongue_smilie:

[readinmom]

Didn't she offer to teach you how to cook?

 

Good gravy! Let's see...

 

Boil water: jello

Boil water: Kraft dinner

Turn on oven: frozen pizza

 

Thank goodness she remembered to remove the plastic wrap!

[Dolphin]

Didn't she offer to teach you how to cook?

 

Good gravy! Let's see...

 

Boil water: jello

Boil water: Kraft dinner

Turn on oven: frozen pizza

 

Thank goodness she remembered to remove the plastic wrap!

 

I just spit my water out! :lol::lol: That comment just caught me off guard as I was reading through the post. Love it!

[Audrey]

I realize that interacting with someone like this catches most people off guard and is a very puzzling experience. I understand that it is easy to call someone like this "crazy". What she does and says makes sense to her. I do not think she is being malicious or trying to tweak you.

 

I don't think she is being malicious with her demands either. I could tell there were complicated issues at hand before she ever arrived at our house.

 

If I used the word crazy, I don't mean it to be insulting or derogatory. I am crazy. I have OCD. I've been treated (still sometimes get treatment) for it. I have a lot of crazy people in my family. We call each other all kinds of names. Humour diffuses the sadness sometimes.

 

but why would she make op feel bad? Like offering to give her cooking lessons?

 

On the other hand.... that was a real butt-burner. I was very insulted by that. Even if she has social interaction issues, that just crossed a line for me. Even crazy people have to be accountable and rudeness is just not excusable. Explainable, maybe, but not excusable.

 

I'm absolutely certain that it was not her intention to make her feel bad. SHe doesn't view the world the way the rest of us do.

 

I'm not entirely sure about her intentions with that remark. The way it was delivered -- as a parting shot -- was very insulting. She had been agitated and uncomfortable all night long. Nothing we had done or said was right. Whether or not she meant it to be as insulting as it was, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure she did mean to get some kind of dig in there.

 

I am hoping you are completely over any feelings that you did anything wrong.:grouphug:

 

After the dinner at her place, I'm completely over any bad feelings I had about her. I realize there are complicated issues at work with her. I do feel sorry for her, but as I said in a previous post, I don't think I can get further engaged with her. I have my own bag of nuts to juggle.

 

Would you care to share the recipe? It sounds excellent and I love cranberry sauce.

 

The recipe is:

500 g fresh cranberries

1 cup sugar

1 cup water

1/4 tsp grated nutmeg

1 cinnamon stick

1/2 cup small green grapes, cut in half lengthwise

 

Bring the sugar, water, cinnamon and nutmeg to a boil. Add the cranberries and bring to a boil again. Boil over medium heat for 5 minutes until the cranberries are opened and the sauce is quite thick. Remove from heat. Remove the cinnamon stick. Stir in the grapes. Let cool completely. Refrigerate at least 2 hours before serving.

 

It was really, really good.

[KidsHappen]

It is the 7th. I want to know if there was a dinner last night and if so how did it go?

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is the 7th. I want to know if there was a dinner last night and if so how did it go?

 

Post #141