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Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?


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I read somewhere that asking yourself these three questions is a very good idea before expressing one's thoughts to others. I've always liked it and try my level best to remember this when engaged in conversation (I've failed, for sure, but I do try to remember). I found the first one is usually easy to get past, the second a little harder and the third can be a real challenge for me at times. What says the hive? Is this a good way to gauge one's speech and writing?

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Is this a good way to gauge one's speech and writing?

 

No, I think this is too simplistic.

 

What is true? How do you answer "does this dress make me look fat?" or "Do you think my husband is cheating on me?" If you answer the truth: is that kind?

 

And what is kind? Is it kind to spare somebody a hard truth because it would make them feel bad momentarily, but could improve a person's life later on?

 

What is necessary? Is an intellectually stimulating discussion about controversial issues necessary? Is it necessary to get people out of their comfort zone and exposed to different view points?

 

Not sure I buy this as a good rule.

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I think it is a good gauge if you use all three. I can pretty easily figure out if what I am saying is true (from my perspective, based on what I have learned so far) and if it is going to build someone up or help them (which is what kind means to me).

 

The last one, is it necessary, is what causes me to delete a lot of posts I might otherwise submit here. I think of this as, is it really going to add anything or help anyone, is it really necessary, is it contributing.

 

Not that I am always successful by any stretch of anyone's imagination...

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T H I N K

Before you speak THINK:

T ~ is it true?

H ~is it helpful?

I ~is it inspiring?

N ~is it necessary?

K ~is it kind?

This is actually taken from Phil. 4:8. We keep this up in the school room which is also the dining room. It gets quoted regularly! I think it's an excellent gage and have found it to be so with the kids. To the 'does this dress make me look fat?' Most people know the answer to that before they ask ;) I try not to set my kids up with a question like that. Even when I've heard them say something to that effect to one another, "That dress makes you look fat." Is it true? if yes, could it have been worded better? Another chance to teach them 'HOW' to word things.

Edited by connib
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No, I think this is too simplistic.

 

What is true? How do you answer "does this dress make me look fat?" or "Do you think my husband is cheating on me?" If you answer the truth: is that kind?

 

And what is kind? Is it kind to spare somebody a hard truth because it would make them feel bad momentarily, but could improve a person's life later on?

 

What is necessary? Is an intellectually stimulating discussion about controversial issues necessary? Is it necessary to get people out of their comfort zone and exposed to different view points?

 

Not sure I buy this as a good rule.

 

IIRC, the person I first heard this from (I'm thinking it was Amy Carmichael, not sure) said the questions were to be used as sieves - so if it falls through the first, it still has to go through the other two to be of value. I get what you're saying, though. Sometimes a truly kind word needs to be something that might embarrass the hearer (your slip is showing or you've got spinach between your two front teeth), but still is kind to spare the hearer any further embarrassment. And yes, in an intellectual conversation, it could be hard to know when something is necessary, although in that setting I would expect all those involved would realize that it may get challenging to discuss certain topics and agreeing to participate would be a kind of resignation to overlook remarks that might seem unnecessary on first examination. I admit, it's not always as clear cut as it first seems.

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No, I think this is too simplistic.

 

What is true? How do you answer "does this dress make me look fat?" or "Do you think my husband is cheating on me?" If you answer the truth: is that kind?

 

And what is kind? Is it kind to spare somebody a hard truth because it would make them feel bad momentarily, but could improve a person's life later on?

 

What is necessary? Is an intellectually stimulating discussion about controversial issues necessary? Is it necessary to get people out of their comfort zone and exposed to different view points?

 

Not sure I buy this as a good rule.

 

The set of questions assumes that "kind" and "necessary" must be inclusive of each other. There are many things in life that are necessary, but aren't "kind" or pleasant. I believe that empathy is very important, but so is growth, knowledge, and the betterment of ourselves individually and as a society. And there is the argument that to leave someone alone in ignorance, or stagnation, is not really kindness at all, but apathy.

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I think it is a good gauge if you use all three. I can pretty easily figure out if what I am saying is true (from my perspective, based on what I have learned so far) and if it is going to build someone up or help them (which is what kind means to me).

 

The last one, is it necessary, is what causes me to delete a lot of posts I might otherwise submit here. I think of this as, is it really going to add anything or help anyone, is it really necessary, is it contributing.

 

Not that I am always successful by any stretch of anyone's imagination...

 

It's the third one that usually trips me up, too. Doesn't always stop me, but it does trip me up.:D

 

T H I N K

Before you speak THINK:

T ~ is it true?

H ~is it helpful?

I ~is it inspiring?

N ~is it necessary?

K ~is it kind?

 

This is actually taken from Phil. 4:8. We keep this up in the school room which is also the dining room. It gets quoted regularly! I think it's an excellent gage and have found it to be so with the kids. To the 'does this dress make me look fat?' Most people know the answer to that before they ask ;) I try not to set my kids up with a question like that. Even when I've heard them say something to that effect to one another, "That dress makes you look fat." Is it true? if yes, could it have been worded better? Another chance to teach them 'HOW' to word things.

 

Great acronym, although I think adding the qualifier "inspiring" would eliminate my need to ever open my mouth again, lol.

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I have to side with Regentrude on this one. I'm not one for keeping up appearances. However, there is a time and place for everything. The key is being able to discern when saying the hard, unpopular thing that on the surface seems unkind or unnecessary will cause needed change in a situation or in a person's life.

 

Then again, I'm usually the person in a group that everyone says after the fact "girl I'm so glad you said something b/c everyone else was thinking it but just didn't want to say anything.":tongue_smilie:

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No, I think this is too simplistic.

 

What is true? How do you answer "does this dress make me look fat?" or "Do you think my husband is cheating on me?" If you answer the truth: is that kind?

 

And what is kind? Is it kind to spare somebody a hard truth because it would make them feel bad momentarily, but could improve a person's life later on?

 

What is necessary? Is an intellectually stimulating discussion about controversial issues necessary? Is it necessary to get people out of their comfort zone and exposed to different view points?

 

Not sure I buy this as a good rule.

 

Concur.

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It's the third one that usually trips me up, too. Doesn't always stop me, but it does trip me up.:D

 

 

 

Great acronym, although I think adding the qualifier "inspiring" would eliminate my need to ever open my mouth again, lol.

 

:D We end up at this one quite a bit, "Really? You thought that would 'inspire', edify, build up your brother/sister?" Regardless of whether what you said was true or not!! kids!

 

OH WOW! I'm just realizing you are applying this to US! the adults! the parents! lol! I like just applying it to the kids!

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I think 2 out of 3 is good.

 

If something is true and kind, I might say it even if it isn't necessary.

 

If something is true and necessary, I might say it even if it isn't kind.

 

If something is kind and necessary, I might say it even if it isn't true.

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Currently, I only ask myself (and my kids) one question:

 

Does it honor or dishonor God?

 

I figure if I can answer that one correctly, then the true/kind/necessary part of it will fall into place.

 

I use it with my students at school. If there is a playground scuffle we do not discuss who is at fault... We discuss whether or not all parties involved are honoring God with their behavior and words.

 

For me, this even includes discussing controversial topics. Am I discussing the topic in a way that honors God?

 

I definitely do better on some days than others! ;)

 

 

.

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Currently, I only ask myself (and my kids) one question:

 

Does it honor or dishonor God?

 

I figure if I can answer that one correctly, then the true/kind/necessary part of it will fall into place.

 

I use it with my students at school. If there is a playground scuffle we do not discuss who is at fault... We discuss whether or not all parties involved are honoring God with their behavior and words.

 

For me, this even includes discussing controversial topics. Am I discussing the topic in a way that honors God?

 

I definitely do better on some days than others! ;)

 

 

.

 

I like this - much simpler and more to the point. Thanks!

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That's my mantra! I love it.

I will say that when presented to our children, I tell them "best two out of three wins". In other words... sometimes what is necessary and true cannot be kind; similarly, what is necessary and kind may not be true (we do not believe "truth" is ALWAYS the best bet, depending on the situation; we prefer their intent be pure than always honest).

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Currently, I only ask myself (and my kids) one question:

 

Does it honor or dishonor God?

 

I figure if I can answer that one correctly, then the true/kind/necessary part of it will fall into place.

 

I use it with my students at school. If there is a playground scuffle we do not discuss who is at fault... We discuss whether or not all parties involved are honoring God with their behavior and words.

 

For me, this even includes discussing controversial topics. Am I discussing the topic in a way that honors God?

 

I definitely do better on some days than others! ;)

 

 

.

 

This is what we use.

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I like this - much simpler and more to the point. Thanks!

 

I like true, kind, and necessary better because it's more concrete.

 

I've heard/read way too many possibly true but definitely unkind and often unnecessary things said in the name of God from a pompous judgmental position. The speaker would clearly have answered yes to a question with respect to honoring God. S/he would have had a harder time answering, "Is it kind?" with a yes.

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I like true, kind, and necessary better because it's more concrete.

 

I've heard/read way too many possibly true but definitely unkind and often unnecessary things said in the name of God from a pompous judgmental position. The speaker would clearly have answered yes to a question with respect to honoring God. S/he would have had a harder time answering, "Is it kind?" with a yes.

 

Someone being pompous and judgmental is definitely not honoring God.

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I like it. I also like making sure that it honors God.

 

I like to talk to dc about Phil. 4:8-

 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

 

This makes for a good "heart talk".

 

And I would just like to add that this thread warms my heart. It is nice to see people asking positive, uplifting questions. Thank you, op!

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