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Help me find peace as a SAHM without any submission stuff coming in?


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I went to a ladies conference with my church and it went really well, I picked up a book by Elizabeth George called "A Mom after God's own heart" I was enjoying that so looked at her other books, and it looks like her submission ideas make me question anything from her now.

 

I want something to motivate me as a SAHM who does the chores around the house.

 

I also might be working to put DH through college (my first reaction to the idea is jealousy) and I want to know that sacrificing for my husband is a good thing to do without any submission reasons, because we don't buy that, necessarily... we are starting from square one and want to know God's will for my life not based on the idea that a woman's role is this due to patriarchial type indoctrination of denominations, churches, society, and then someone with that indoctrination pulling scriptures out that support that preconceived view, but rather really know God's thoughts on the matter.

 

I want to know that I am doing what God wants without it being because someone thinks that all women should.

 

:grouphug: If you want controversy feel free to start a S/O thread. This thread is about ME. hahaha see how self-sacrificing I am?

Edited by Lovedtodeath
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I'm not Christian and I certainly don't submit :)

However, I am a very fulfilled SAHM. I chose to stay home with my kids rather than work because, for me, it was where I needed and wanted to be. i feel that raising kids is every bit as valid a life/career choice as any other career.

As for sacrificing, I helped put my DH through school as well. I sacrifice a lot for his career (moving all the time, being a single mom during deployments, etc.), but I don't sacrifice for him because I have to or because I "submit to his will". I sacrifice for him and my kids because I love them.

Loving is one of the only purely unselfish acts out there. Doing things, sacrificing for someone, out of love should not be done out of guilt, submission, or thoughts of personal gain.

Hope that helps.

:grouphug:

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I don't believe in the submission line of thinking. I don't care what spin is put on it neither gender should submit to the other based gender. Just because dh has a penis doe not make him superior to me.

 

What I have is a calling, a vocation if you will to be a wife and mother. I do this because it is what I want to do. Every vocation has chores - some more tedious/menial than others. Think of any outside the house job. There are chores associated with all of them. They all require some kind of sacrifice also. The sacrifice may not be monetary.

 

:grouphug:

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I'm not terribly religious, and while overall I enjoy staying home, I am also... ambivalent... about it. I peruse the want ads with some regularity, although getting a job is not actually realistic right now.

 

There are two sayings which really resonate with me, and which I find a great deal of comfort in.

 

The first is that old one about "may I accept the things I cannot change, change the things I cannot accept, and have the knowledge to know the difference."

 

The second is "bloom where you're planted."

 

I guess they're both pretty self explanatory, but I think about them a lot when I am aggravated with my life.

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Why exactly do you NOT work outside the home? Make a list and see if that will help validate your choice.

 

Personally, I'm not sure I could justify being a SAHM without at least some agreement on submission. Being a SAHM, to me, is a luxury which requires trust in the breadwinner to remain a provider. And what's wrong with that? I wouldn't mind being submissive in that regard.

 

Finally, are there certain performances as a SAHM of which you are proud? Jot these down to review when you are feeling less than stellar about your career.

 

:001_smile: I hope you find peace in your choice.

 

p.s. I've never been a SAHM so I can't totally relate, but it's only because I could never trust anyone else to be the provider, not because I would not choose SAHM, otherwise.

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I don't believe in the submission line of thinking. I don't care what spin is put on it neither gender should submit to the other based gender. Just because dh has a penis doe not make him superior to me.

 

What I have is a calling, a vocation if you will to be a wife and mother. I do this because it is what I want to do. Every vocation has chores - some more tedious/menial than others. Think of any outside the house job. There are chores associated with all of them. They all require some kind of sacrifice also. The sacrifice may not be monetary.

 

:grouphug:

 

Actually laughed out loud. Did not explain to the kids why I was laughing!

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I'm a christian and feel that the scriptures about submission are taken out of context. (Not said to debate, just to let you know where i am coming from...) My dh and I try our hardest to respect each other and listen to each other.

 

Being a sahm can be hard. I struggled for a long time to try and feel like it was worthy. In today's society, being a sahm is portrayed as 'less than' in many ways. I finally came to the realization that being home was beneficial to my family, especially my kids and I had to stop caring what society thought about it and the pressures I felt from every side to go into the work force. Household chores I took on because my dh worked so hard out of the house and was tired. All he wanted was a hot meal and time to chill. So I provided that as best I could...not because of any submission stuff, but because I love him dearly and saw his need and how I could fill that need.

 

Schooling...I worked while my dh went to college for 4 years (my dd wasn't born until a year before he graduated). It was a sacrifice for us both. But when graduation day came, we were both SO proud of his work and effort he put in!! I was glad that I could help him achieve such a wonderful goal! It most definitely felt like I was a huge part of it all because we are a team.

 

When I say it was a sacrifice for both of us, it really was for him too...it is VERY hard for my dh to not work at something that yields pay in the end. It is a big deal to him to bring home money and feel like he is supporting his family. I wonder if your dh feels that way too? I think a lot of men do.

 

I was able to go back to school too eventually. : ) And he tried to support me and help me along as I had done for him years prior. He helped around the house and took care of things that normally I would've taken care of. Dd was homeschooling K and 1st during those years so the extra hand he gave me was a real blessing.

 

Hopefully something here can encourage you. I don't think it has much to do with submission honestly...it is a matter of you getting comfortable in this new situation in your life.

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Absolutely.

I really don't personally understand the submission aspect.... I'm not saying it's wrong for everyone, but that sort of motivation would make me bitter.

The only submission that is biblical is MUTUAL submission.

 

"Submit yourselves one to another" starts that whole section.

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As someone who would LOVE to be in college right now, and never planned on homeschooling, I understand the frustration and occasional lack of satisfaction.

 

I look at it this way...when I had my daughter, I knew that I would be sacrificing my own personal wants for her for a certain amount of time. Granted, I didn't plan on how far it would go, but wow that's the lesson of parenthood, isn't it? I do this out of love for her. There are other sacrifices I make for my husband or for the family in general, also because I love them.

 

However, I view this as for A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME. It will eventually be my turn to pursue certain things that are important to me. If "your time" never comes, then something is wrong and that needs to be addressed. But I know that for me, my time will come when DD is no longer schooling, or possibly even before then if she needs me less.

 

So, I am able to feel ok about my sacrifices, both because I know I am being (most of the time!) the kind of mother and wife that I wanted to be, and that is pleasing to God (not because of submission, but because of love and unselfishness), but also because I know that MY TIME WILL COME when I can pursue the things I want for myself.

 

I also know, because he tells me, that my husband recognizes and appreciates the sacrifices I'm making, and that he also knows it is important that at some point I am able to pursue the things I want for myself.

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I want to know that I am doing what God wants without it being because someone thinks that all women should. okay, Does that make sense?

Makes perfect sense. Pray and ask for guidance. He will let you know if He thinks you need to be doing something else.

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I chose to be a SAHM. For me, I enjoy being home with my children. I love getting to spend time with them. If I was working outside of the home, I would see very little of them--and most of that would be getting ready to go in the morning and putting kids to bed at night.

 

My dh gets to see our kids for about an hour a day....he leaves early in the morning before they are up, and spends an hour with them before bed. I see him as making a sacrifice for us so that I can be home with the kids, homeschool them, etc.

 

Dh and I both worked outside of the home before children entered our family. Housework and meal preparation still have to happen....you're just dividing the tasks and doing them after coming home from a full day of work.

 

I'm not saying that my workload is any lighter now....but I'm happy to have it...

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I don't find full fulfillment staying at home and I have resigned myself to knowing that that probably won't change. I miss working. I miss the environment of being with like minded adults. I miss knowing I can support us should I need to. I miss getting accolades for my efforts.

 

However, I did put my husband through grad school. I had no problem with that because I knew that HE would be able to get a better job that would help me and any future kids we had. It would also help him to get the career he wanted and needed to be more fulfilled himself.

 

I do believe in mutual submission and actually think this is biblical. Any time we are going to make a big decision, we talk about it until we can come to some sort of agreement.

 

Dawn

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Hi,

 

As for me, being a SAHM is what God has called me to do in this season of my life. Now, always remember that seasons come and change. You need to hear from God whether is this what God wants you to do in this time in your life now.If not, you will always be tossing back and forth when things are not going well. (believe me, I'd been there) Once you know, then you will be able to lay down all your desires to Him because you know that if He has called you, He will enable you and will give you His grace to do His will.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" 2 Corinthians 12:10

 

I hope this helps you.

 

Caryn

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Well, this won't help as far as knowing it's what God wants you to do, but it might help put it in a different light. I'm in the same boat as you (except not dh in school) And sometimes I look in the want ads because I'm not feeling fulfilled and want something "more". Well, I saw an ad that I wanted to reply to. It was for someone to help in a home for disabled adults who couldn't live on their own. I thought "What an awesome job, how wonderful would it be to be directly influencing someone's quality of life." It was like God smacked me upside the head. That is exactly the job I have! I am directly contributing to the quality of life of those I love the most. It helps sometimes to think of it that way, although my mental struggles are far from over.

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Go get yourself enrolled, take one class only, you don't have to go full-time. If you've ever even thought about one day running your own business, go get some books, find the local Small Business office. Read some books, cut yourself one day a week with a sitter to evaporate and get out of the house for self-improvement.

 

Even a community college non-credit course could give you a boost and some balance mentally, make some new friends. For all that matters, you could do an online thing.

 

If you both were committed to a higher ed pursuit, that would set a mighty example for your children as well, they'd see and hear the work around them.

 

There's no reason you can't both do it. To have two parents pulling down 15 credit semesters is a strain, but even that can be done with the right network.

 

Do you have enough support around you to even attempt one class this summer for 8 weeks just for the intellectual love of it all?

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.

 

Personally, I'm not sure I could justify being a SAHM without at least some agreement on submission. Being a SAHM, to me, is a luxury which requires trust in the breadwinner to remain a provider. And what's wrong with that? I wouldn't mind being submissive in that regard.

 

.

 

I don't see why trusting a spouse to be a breadwinner has anything to do with submission....

I completely trust my DH in regard to finances and that he can provide for us on his salary - but that isn't submissive - that's just trust.

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That's a really good point, that trust thing.

 

SAHM are running on plan A in which "breadwinner" is always there to function. But what if your partner suddenly isn't there and the income stops? What then?

 

Is that part of your lives together planned and plan B ready?

 

Sometimes, that can be a source of real insecurity. Not just for the SAH partner, but both.

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I want to know that I am doing what God wants without it being because someone thinks that all women should. okay, Does that make sense?

 

Why are you home--is it because that is what was expected of you at the time? Why would you not want to sacrifice for your husband? Would working outside of the home be a sacrifice so he could go to school? To me it seems like you're asking two questions.

 

I'm having a hard time understanding, I guess. For me, staying home and homeschooling includes multiple times a day where I die to myself. Not in a "you die to yourself because you're a woman" way, but in a "you die to yourself because you are a selfish sinner and you are called as a child of God to esteem others higher than yourself" way (Philippians 2:3-4).

 

I stay home because I don't want others to raise my boys, and I don't want them to be latchkey kids. I want them to have the safety and security of knowing that a parent is here for them to help them and guide them and watch them fail and then pick them up and dust them off. I do the chores around the house because it is part of the job description. I don't enjoy them, but I do enjoy them after they're finished.

 

:grouphug:

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That's a really good point, that trust thing.

 

SAHM are running on plan A in which "breadwinner" is always there to function. But what if your partner suddenly isn't there and the income stops? What then?

 

Is that part of your lives together planned and plan B ready?

 

Sometimes, that can be a source of real insecurity. Not just for the SAH partner, but both.

 

We have a plan b,c, and d - and we discussed all aspects of it. We also change things as our lives change.

We have a LOT of life insurance on both of us as well.

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thatmomDOTcom

 

I first started listening to her podcasts on patriarchy (btw, she is not in favor of it as practiced in some hsing circles today). Along the way I found that what she does present - in contrast to patriarchy - is very loving AND scriptural.

 

I also run from the Georgites. In my mind, they are the Christian version of Stepford Wives. I have actually met Elizabeth George and she is a lovely woman. But I recognize that I am not cut from the same cloth. Just as we are all members of the body, yet represent different parts within it, I love and serve the Lord in a biblical manner that just doesn't look exactly the same.

 

Lovedtodeath, I have enjoyed watching your walk these past few months. :D

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That's a really good point, that trust thing.

 

SAHM are running on plan A in which "breadwinner" is always there to function. But what if your partner suddenly isn't there and the income stops? What then?

 

Is that part of your lives together planned and plan B ready?

 

Sometimes, that can be a source of real insecurity. Not just for the SAH partner, but both.

 

 

Well, what if you are a two income family and you depend on both incomes and all of a sudden one stops? I don't think the situation is any more dire for SAHP than for any family that depends on an income. Of course, one should have life insurance (and we do) and my being a SAHM isn't written in stone forever and ever. I could certainly go back to work if needed for whatever reason.

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Oh, I'm laughing, I'm old enough to have been around to get my butt kicked on this one.

 

Yep, you certainly do find a way in this world even if it all falls apart and overnight. It's truly amazing what one woman with children alone can pull off.

 

Thank God for good health during times like that.

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The only submission that is biblical is MUTUAL submission.

 

"Submit yourselves one to another" starts that whole section.

 

:iagree:

 

A couple of thoughts: I personally think extreme feminists AND extreme conservatives have wrought havoc with the biblical concept of submission. It's a mutual giving to the other; it's not one person being superior over another.

 

I want to know that I am doing what God wants without it being because someone thinks that all women should. okay, Does that make sense?

 

I so hear what you're saying. I went through a phase in my life where I read all sorts of "Christian women's books" and all it did was make me more depressed and feel more inadequate. I ended up chucking them all and just read what Scripture said about being a wife, mother, woman. I'm not saying there's NOTHING good about any of those books, because there were some good suggestions in some of them. But overall, I think women read those when they're already feeling as if they're "wrong" about something and those books seem to just feed into that. Generally speaking, of course.

 

I think you might be dealing with discontentment more than a submission issue. Paul says to be content in every situation, and have a joyful heart. Easy for him to say! But, something I've learned is, accepting where I am in life doesn't mean that season of life is permanent. Truth is, we don't know what's going to happen later today, tomorrow or next year. Opportunities come up that we've never considered. And some of those opportunities can help get us to where we want to be.

 

Sometimes I think we get so scared that the things we want in life will never happen because we're at a point or season where those things don't seem to really connect to where we are. And, to a degree, we do have to make the moves needed to accomplish goals. But, it doesn't all have to happen today, and, as Christians, we know (on some level, anyway) that we don't have the ultimate control, and trying to take that control often is what trips us up!

 

So, take heart and stop reading women's books. Pray, read Scripture, be where you are right now joyfully, while keeping your eyes open to new opportunities that may come. And, plan to take courses when it works for you and your family. Your lot in life today isn't set in stone, necessarily. :grouphug:

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I thought that DH going to college was an excellent idea until I realized that HE would be in college, not WE... then I cried out of jealousy and then I cried over my jealousy out of conviction and repentance.

 

Having peace in my work at home for my household and children is a whole other matter.

 

Judomom, it has to do with the environment in which I was raised. The attitude was that everything is easier for men so they should do more than women... also that breadwinning is the man's job. If a woman works then she spends that money on her own wants. (this I tend to believe and know I shouldn't) Everything is about appearances, and in my famiy, this was the home as well. Keeping it looking good was the primary concern, and it didn't matter if it wasn't fun for the kids. (This I believe the opposite and am searching for balance)

 

Also the attitude of the congregation we were in as a married couple was that children are a burden and should be put in school or otherwise made to conform and ignored all day so that their parents can pursue spiritual things and/or socializing. We tried to make our lives different from that, but the attitude still affects me I think.

 

This is the combination of attitudes that keep me from having peace about what I should do and I was hoping the book would help with that.

Edited by Lovedtodeath
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The only submission that is biblical is MUTUAL submission.

 

"Submit yourselves one to another" starts that whole section.

 

This is the key point! Mutual - caring enough (both spouses) to make sure the other is comfortable with a plan so you both can move ahead.

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I so hear what you're saying. I went through a phase in my life where I read all sorts of "Christian women's books" and all it did was make me more depressed and feel more inadequate. I ended up chucking them all and just read what Scripture said about being a wife, mother, woman. I'm not saying there's NOTHING good about any of those books, because there were some good suggestions in some of them. But overall, I think women read those when they're already feeling as if they're "wrong" about something and those books seem to just feed into that. Generally speaking, of course.

That is what DH and I thought was happening exactly!
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Why exactly do you NOT work outside the home? Make a list and see if that will help validate your choice.

 

Personally, I'm not sure I could justify being a SAHM without at least some agreement on submission. Being a SAHM, to me, is a luxury which requires trust in the breadwinner to remain a provider. And what's wrong with that? I wouldn't mind being submissive in that regard.

 

Finally, are there certain performances as a SAHM of which you are proud? Jot these down to review when you are feeling less than stellar about your career.

 

:001_smile: I hope you find peace in your choice.

 

p.s. I've never been a SAHM so I can't totally relate, but it's only because I could never trust anyone else to be the provider, not because I would not choose SAHM, otherwise.

 

Ok, I admit it, I'm flummoxed but good.

 

Currently, I work full-time, and my dh is a SAHD. Last year, before he was laid off, our positions were reversed.

 

So, according to you, our family's decision-making gets relegated to whoever brings in the money? What happens if neither is working? Or both? Draw straws?

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I initially asked for no controversy, but edited it. lol. Maybe I should have left it in.;)

 

Sorry, Loved. You probably should have kept such a statement, because this is a controversial topic.

 

If you wish, I'll withdraw my questions in my previous post.

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I thought that DH going to college was an excellent idea until I realized that HE would be in college, not WE... then I cried out of jealousy and then I cried over my jealousy out of conviction and repentance.

 

Having peace in my work at home for my household and children is a whole other matter.

 

Judomom, it has to do with the environment in which I was raised. The attitude was that everything is easier for men so they should do more than women... also that breadwinning is the man's job. If a woman works then she spends that money on her own wants. Everything is about appearances, and in my famiy, this was the home as well. Keeping it looking good was the primary concern, and it didn't matter if it wasn't fun for the kids. So when I got my own home this became the last concern due to my rebellion toward this attitude.

 

Also the attitude of the congregation we were in as a married couple was that children are a burden and should be put in school or otherwise made to conform and ignored all day so that their parents can pursue spiritual things and/or socializing. We tried to make our lives different from that, but the attitude still affects me I think.

 

This is the combination of attitudes that keep me from having peace about what I should do and I was hoping the book would help with that.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You know I think you're awesome, right?

 

Ultimately, this is only a question you and your dh can answer. What do you want? What does your dh want? What is best for your family? Try not to come to these answers out of a reaction to your past, but come to them because they are the right answers for your family. Easier said than done, I know. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that part of the reason I made the life choices I've made (staying home and homeschooling) aren't a sort of rebellion against my upbringing.

 

A book I enjoy on motherhood/homemaking is What is a Family? :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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A previous pastor of ours described the statement "the peace that surpasses all human understanding" to mean that a very deep peaceful feeling when you are conflicted about a matter, is God's answer. I hope that makes sense, it certainly is not as deep as he described it, but that is what I remember.

 

For example, as soon as we began hs'ing, I was a wreck. Totally stressed, house was a mess, couldn't find the time to make a meal. I was burdened to the core with the responsibility of educating my daughter. I looked into the local private school here, and was just days away from signing her up. I would have to eventually go back to work to pay tuition for 3 kids. My husband was okay with the idea, but not crazy about it at all. It was what I *wanted* to do, but all my feelings about it were anything but peaceful. I struggled with it, couldn't sleep, it consumed my thoughts for days. I ran into a stranger (looking back I know God had placed her right next to me a play for a reason), and after our conversation, I knew what God wanted me to do. I walked out of the play with tears streaming down my face (joy and sorrow both as staying home with the kids would again put my career on hold for several more years), but I finally had that "peace that surpasses all human understanding". It was the strongest peaceful feeling that I think I have ever experienced, and I know it was God giving me direction to continue homeschooling.

 

I hope that makes sense, and it helps you at all. Just pray and He will lead you. :grouphug:

Edited by magnificent_baby
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A previous pastor of ours described the statement "the peace that surpasses all understanding" to mean that a very deep peaceful feeling when you are conflicted about a matter, is God's answer. I hope that makes sense, it certainly is not as deep as he described it, but that is what I remember.

 

For example, as soon as we began hs'ing, I was a wreck. Totally stressed, house was a mess, couldn't find the time to make a meal. I was burdened to the core with the responsibility of educating my daughter. I looked into the local private school here, and was just days away from signing her up. I would have to eventually go back to work to pay tuition for 3 kids. My husband was okay with the idea, but not crazy about it at all. It was what I *wanted* to do, but all my feelings about it were anything but peaceful. I struggled with it, couldn't sleep, it consumed my thoughts for days. I ran into a stranger (looking back I know God had placed her right next to me a play for a reason), and after our conversation, I knew what God wanted me to do. I walked out of the play with tears streaming down my face (joy and sorrow both as staying home with the kids would again put my career on hold for several more years), but I finally had that "peace that surpasses all understanding". It was the strongest peaceful feeling that I think I have ever experienced, and I know it was God giving me direction.

 

I hope that makes sense, and it helps you at all. Just pray and He will lead you. :grouphug:

yeah, I honestly think that this is what happened Sunday. I cried most of the day, but am really not conflicted so much now, just looking for support.
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Could you maybe take the classes that really interest you, but not aim for a degree? And then study alongside him for the other classes? Would that make it more doable in the short term?
Possibly.

 

I am a SAH homeschooling mom now and the college thing is likely a few years in the future. That is why a lot of this doesn't make a whole lot of since I think. ;) So basically, the long term goal made me rethink a lot of things.

Edited by Lovedtodeath
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