How do you balance your priorities with those of your families?

[KidsHappen]

I have a list of items I either need or want. These are basic items like under garments, pants that fit, real shoes (I have only had slippers and crocs for years now), curriculum for me to conitue my education. Some of the things on the list have been there for two or three years because other people in the family always need things that are more important and pressing than the things that I need. I know that I do tend to be a bit of a martyr and always put my hubby, children and even pets before myself. Sometimes I wonder if these is just a seasson of life thing and that things will improve when the children move out on the own but on the other hand, I also wonder why it is that I am never the priority of anyone else in my family. Why don't my children say, "Hey mom, we can wait on our ten pair of shoes so that you can get one." or "I have had several haircuts since you last had one. Why don't you go ahead and get your done and I will wait until next payday."

 

I get very little sleep and I am very busy. Due to chronic pain issues I can only do so many things in a certain amount of time but my family doesn't seem to understand that I do not have the engery to do all the things that they want to do. There is always a push for me to expend more time and energy when it is very diffiult for me to do so. Why? Even when I say know it doesn't stop the asking or improve the understanding and empathy on their part.

 

I know that it is very important to take care of yourself first but how do you do that when you have very limited resources of all kinds and a line o people wo need them. How do you find a balance between your needs and those of your family?

[Jpoy85]

I have NO idea. I always get hubby and the kids things before myself. I do treat myself but its rare. I think its hard because you dont want to see your kids go without. You dont want to treat yourself and say " well if i didnt get this starbucks coffee, i could of had McDonalds with the kids today".

 

:grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I don't feel like I am being a martyr when I put myself last.

I remember vividly my Mom wearing this ratty old blue coat for years while she bought our new school clothes year after year.

I am wearing jeans with a slight rip, a long sleeve tshirt my sister gave me, my favorite 20 year old black sweater, my 15 year old boots, my teens socks and a pair of underwear with tears in them. I don't mind. I was never big on fashion or style. My hair goes in the same ponytail it has since I was in college and I cut my bangs when I can't see through them. Again, not a priority for me. Guess I am rambling a little here but I am thinking as I write.

I went shopping with my sisters this morning for our parents 50th anniversary party. I did get a little teary looking at all the food in the store I wish I could buy, but we have enough most weeks.

I am a go to bed early person because by the end of the day I hurt, but I often am up later than I like to spend time as a family together, figure I can sleep someday.

I guess it depends on how I personally define my own priorities? I have few urgent needs though sneakers and new underwear are getting kind of critical.

I would like someday to have a few nice things to wear I guess, especially for things like tomorrow where I know I will look at the photos and think I look like an idiot.

As long as there is ibuprofen, late nights spent with my loved ones are better in the long run than more sleep, little as it is for me as well.

My camera is dead and that is a huge heartache for me, it has been pretty much an appendage for years and I hold no hope of buying a new one. That does kill me, it honestly does but there isn't anything I can do about it. Thinking of our camping trip, our one vacation every year this year without it makes me literally cry.

I guess I don't really take care of myself for a lot of things. But I am showered and clean and my clothes, though old, are serviceable. I have a fabulous husband I never have enough time with and kids I adore even when things are difficult. So I can't complain though every once in a great while I do wish we had more so I could indulge just a little in things I love, like a new camera, candles for the house, fresh flowers and prepared meals or takeout.

It isn't easy is it?

Someday they will be grown and gone and I will have time and likely more money and I wonder if it will be anywhere near as special as when they were here and I went without.

Guess in the end, I have no advice but I hope you find your balance.

[Annie G]

I think you have to occasionally put yourself first- if you don't, your family will never learn to think of you.

You need some things, and your kids can wait on that tenth pair of shoes.

I know it's hard to take that first step but it'll get easier and you'll feel better about yourself.

[torikei]

I think it's very healthy emotionally to put yourself first at times. We're not talking about starving your children in order to afford diamonds. I believe that setting healthy boundaries is good for the whole family. My mom was a martyr and I always swore that I would never travel that road.

 

I have to admit that the hardest thing for me to take for myself is time. I don't have any trouble buying a new pair of shoes but scheduling a night away is almost impossible.

 

Good luck

 

Tori

[SKL]

Just say it / do it. "I need to buy a new pair of shoes now." Or: "__ needs to get done today and I don't have time to do it. ___, you need to do it."

 

I think it's typical to not do much for ourselves when we are busy being moms. But when it comes to actual needs, there must be a limit.

 

But if you wait around until those you serve notice you need something, you could be waiting for years. Don't.

[GinaPagnato]

I think it's unrealistic for our dc to suggest that we go before them. Maybe that's how it was in Little Women, but it ain't happening around here. Kids, esp. teens, can be pretty self-centered. I wouldn't wait around til I was forced/cajoled/entreated to buy things for myself that I need/want. I always take care of my needs. Not in an extravagant way, but in small, significant ways for me.

[eternalknot]

Who defines "more important" ...? "More pressing" is one thing, but "more important" is much more subjective. And maybe you're selling yourself short on some occasions by prioritizing someone else's wants ahead of your own needs/wants. As another poster said, it's hard to see our kids go without (whether they need it or not); we're wired to want to provide for them (whether they need it or not).

 

Motherhood and martyrdom both start with the letter M but that's where the similarities should end. Sometimes we dig our own ruts, not intending to but by virtue of being moms who care. Maybe too much so.

 

In that regard, and in support of an earlier post, kids internalize what they see. When they see mom putting herself last, that's what we inadvertently train them to do - put us last. I give credit to the majority of moms and kids who I suspect do this subconsciously, with no intended ill-will or malintent. It's not something they do outright, it's just "how things are" and how things have "always been" -- sometimes kids will justify it to themselves, and again perhaps doing so with no purposeful thought towards selfishness. E.g., instead of thinking "I've had my hair cut three times since Mom last went for one herself" it becomes "Mom doesn't mind her hair that way; she'll get it cut when it bothers her or when she feels like it." And you're Mom, so why wouldn't you pull rank when you wanted or needed to - you know? (In their minds.)

 

You can't look to them to give you a hand out of this rut. They don't see you in a rut, they see you making a choice to put yourself last. They don't see themselves ignoring you, they see "Mom" and just "how she is" - it's much bigger than your relationship, you're up against an entire dynamic that's been established over the course of (their) lifetimes.

 

"Mom won't mind waiting to get her hair cut."

"Mom doesn't need new shoes, where does she go anyway?"

"Mom can wear holey jeans, who does she have to impress?"

"Mom says no, but always changes her mind. I know she'll do x for me. If I ask enough."

 

These are things you've indirectly communicated to them as truths or acceptable behaviors. It's going to be challenging to get them to change. It's a challenge that you're worth - and they are worth, too. A new assertive mom is going to take some getting used to. Adding someone else's needs into the rotation is going to require an adjustment, more painful to some than to others! But once it becomes the new normal, your kids will likely respect that you asserted yourself (even in the same breath as admitting they may have preferred things the "old" way LOL).

 

If nothing else, consider it an important and necessary lesson for them to learn before they enter their own marriages. This is the time to learn how to discern between wants/needs and placing both within the greater context (e.g., a marriage or a family).

 

Due to chronic pain issues I can only do so many things in a certain amount of time but my family doesn't seem to understand that I do not have the engery to do all the things that they want to do. There is always a push for me to expend more time and energy when it is very diffiult for me to do so. Why? Even when I say know it doesn't stop the asking or improve the understanding and empathy on their part.

 

This is a good place to begin asserting your needs. There's only so much one person (much less one person with chronic pain) can do ... much less desire to do. Decide your limits. Let them know your limits, preferably in advance so it's not an on-the-spot problem. "From now on I'm only available to chauffeur to one activity per child" and mourn the loss of what you think they should be doing (multiple activities) but accept that those activities aren't worth the trade-off of your self-neglect (whether it's money, time, or energy). Just an example, I don't know what you're issues truly are.

 

Realize -and learn to ACCEPT- that empathy and understanding are gravy. If you get them, great. Yum. But they're extras, and detract from the real goal. You don't need empathy and understanding, you need to prioritize yourself within the family. Sometimes your needs will come first; sometimes your needs can wait. Guess what, the same is true of them. All of it. Tell them so. All of it.

 

How do you find a balance between your needs and those of your family?

It's not going to show up on your doorstep or under your pillow. You have to advocate for it.

Edited April 13, 2012 by eternalknot
fixing quotes

[melissad2]

I do the same thing. However whenever we have a little e tra somewhere I will buy myself a new shirt or whatever I may need at the time. I usually always buy for my kids first...isn't that what moms do?

[-M-]

I have a list of items I either need or want. These are basic items like under garments, pants that fit, real shoes (I have only had slippers and crocs for years now), curriculum for me to conitue my education. Some of the things on the list have been there for two or three years because other people in the family always need things that are more important and pressing than the things that I need. I know that I do tend to be a bit of a martyr and always put my hubby, children and even pets before myself. Sometimes I wonder if these is just a seasson of life thing and that things will improve when the children move out on the own but on the other hand, I also wonder why it is that I am never the priority of anyone else in my family. Why don't my children say, "Hey mom, we can wait on our ten pair of shoes so that you can get one." or "I have had several haircuts since you last had one. Why don't you go ahead and get your done and I will wait until next payday."

 

I get very little sleep and I am very busy. Due to chronic pain issues I can only do so many things in a certain amount of time but my family doesn't seem to understand that I do not have the engery to do all the things that they want to do. There is always a push for me to expend more time and energy when it is very diffiult for me to do so. Why? Even when I say know it doesn't stop the asking or improve the understanding and empathy on their part.

 

I know that it is very important to take care of yourself first but how do you do that when you have very limited resources of all kinds and a line o people wo need them. How do you find a balance between your needs and those of your family?

 

:grouphug:

 

I noticed from your signature information that you've been at this gig for a long time. I wonder if, since this is "what Mother has always done," they have simply become accustomed to your sacrifices and emphasis on service to everyone but yourself. In other words, it may not be that they don't care; it may be that they don't know any better.

 

Which is okay. No. Really! Because right now, tonight, you can teach them. You can explain just what you did to us how so much of your role in this family has been about putting their needs ahead of your own and how now you perceive a need to put your needs if not ahead, then certainly on the same line as theirs.

 

It need not even be an emotional discussion. If you prefer, present it matter of factly: I'm tired, ill, and limited by physical concerns. I need a pair of shoes, some new undergarments, and good rest. I need these ASAP in order to carry on, doing what I do -- teaching, caring, homemaking, and the like. I should have said something sooner, but that's neither here nor there, at this point. Will you help me?

 

It has been my experience that the direct route works effectively. Sending you good thoughts.

[delaney]

No kidding! The boys are wearing Polo shirts and shorts and my stuff is from Old Navy! I wear flip flops a lot of the year but I did splurge and I own 2 pair of Danskos. I also can't balance well. I spend hours of time on school and would rather buy books than food(well wouldn't we all?) I can't carve 30 minutes to walk on the treadmill in the morning but can cook breakfast and clean at 6am. Go figure!:confused:

[Impish]

I think this is one of those, "You teach ppl how to treat you" instances.

 

Why would it occur to the kids to suggest you go first when you've never shown them you're a priority? That's a thinking pattern that needs to be taught imo.

 

I totally get both the financial issues, and the chronic pain issues.

 

Even though we're not as tight financially as we were when we were first married (and for yrs after), I *still* don't buy myself things. Heck, the first new clothes I bought in yrs was maternity wear last yr, b/c there was no choice! :lol:

 

Wolf has been known to threaten me w/letting Diva pick out my clothes to force me to buy a new outfit or two :lol:

 

As for the chronic pain...I hide a LOT from my family. It has to be really, really bad for me to show that something's wrong. I've been known to be ghost pale and swaying and still trying to claim I'm ok.

 

I've learned the hard way that pushing myself leaves me incapacitated for longer than if I simply said, "No, I cannot do this today..." The cost simply isn't worth it.

 

If I don't clearly tell those I love what I need to function, how can they possibly know?

[SailorMom]

I actually make an effort NOT to be a martyr. I think it is unhealthy for everyone involved - and I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that their wives should act that way, or that I am a less important person because I'm their mom.

When my kids need something, if it is important, I try to find a way to make it happen as soon as I can. But if I need something (and i mean actually need - i.e. like the underwear and decent shoes), i treat it the same way.

My mom used to be a martyr. Even when we'd try to get her to not do it, she'd still do it - but then complain afterwards. I hated that. I'm not saying anyone here is doing that - she was a bit of an extreme....

[tristangrace]

I suppose I regard myself as just another member of the family. (E.g., I would not buy 10 pair of shoes for one kid if the other kid had only one pair!) My needs get put in the mix like everyone else's.

[Kari C in SC]

I suppose I regard myself as just another member of the family. (E.g., I would not buy 10 pair of shoes for one kid if the other kid had only one pair!) My needs get put in the mix like everyone else's.

 

:iagree:

 

I remember my mom wore the same "at home" outfit for years. She had an outfit or two for going out, but overall she wore the same clothes. I never thought much about it as a kid. That was just my mom. I think your kids probably think along the same lines.

 

I typically would put my kids needs first especially when money is tight. BUT... when I need something - I need it. I will bargain and sale shop, but I will get it. I will not go without shoes, etc. It is important for me to feel good about myself. If I feel like crap - the people around me will feel it too. You need to just insert yourself in the purchase rotation and not apologize for it.

[NanceXToo]

Sometimes you just HAVE to prioritize yourself, and don't feel guilty about it, either. Remember that you're teaching your daughters how to be wives and mothers and how to find THEIR healthy balance (which doesn't include being walked all over and ignored by everyone else all the time) and your sons how to be husbands and fathers (which includes knowing how to put the wife/mom first sometimes, not neglecting the things she needs...right? :)

 

It's perfectly okay to say to your kids, nicely of course, "Listen, you can manage a few more weeks without a haircut. Do you know when I last had one? Me either. This paycheck's for MY haircut. Do you really need an eleventh pair of shoes? Do you know when was the last time I bought myself a real pair of shoes, aside from slippers? Me either. I need to get myself a pair this time." And then just do it. It's okay. Really. The world won't come grinding to a halt. They'll live. Take care of you sometimes. :)

 

Why are you never the priority of anyone else? You've never given them any indication you wanted to be, should be, need to be, deserve to be, etc. You have to take control and show them that sometimes you want to be, should be, need to be, deserve to be, etc.

 

I think you also have to speak up if YOU need help, rather than being the one to give help, due to your chronic pain issues, lack of sleep, or whatever. But I wouldn't get upset by them asking about things...kids get excited about things, they ask. You just have to tell them how you feel (repeatedly, probably) as necessary, and only do what YOU can handle, and ask them for help as YOU need, too.

 

I think it sounds like the main issue is you speaking/standing up for yourself with your family and you aren't used to doing that! :grouphug: