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OMG, this just makes me want to cry! I've never heard this before. I've never understood the connection between abuse and mental illness. I mean..i've gathered there might be low self esteem, but never a true, legitimate, connection to something like PTSD. Ugh!!! How aweful..and sad!

 

If the rages are subsiding but the problem is becoming more of a complete disconnect,lack of regard, do you think she can stay? I mean...will this just ultimately end bad no matter what? He will never go to counseling. As a matter of fact, he throws her therapy/meds in her face at times. When she first had a break down, he told her, 'he wished he had time to have a break down.' He's just difficult.

 

 

The nature of the abuse cycle is that it is progressive. Abusive men don't start out by calling names. It is a gradual, insidious process. Eventually, many outright abusive/dysfunctional things become the couple's "norm" and fly under the radar.

 

Here is a link to just a part of the dynamic:

 

http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/2012/04/when-his-put-downs-sound-true.html

 

Years of micro-assuaults (not to suggest that abuse = physical) create a PTSD syndrome in the victim. They literally become mentally ill, and unable to think, made good decisions. By the end of my own 15 year experience, I believed every word he said about me.

 

*Staying* under those circumstances is death.

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I seriously doubt people are sharing their struggles and their true feelings on Facebook. What you are seeing is the protective shell they put on to deal with the world and protect themselves. The "hot mom" is probably how some would have described me when I was divorcing. Not that I dated a lot but I had lost a lot of weight, gotten out from under a man who constantly told me how ugly, how fat, how stupid I was so, yes I enjoyed looking good and feeling better about myself. I also spent many nights crying and didn't really feel worthy of being loved. I did not share my sadness with many people.

 

Yes! I also lost quite a bit of weight, as I finally had time to care for me, not just other people. I made new friends, started new hobbies. and yes, after a while went on dates. But I didn't share those with my son (only went out when he was with his father) and was very responsible. Totally out of the blue I actually met my soul mate only 6 months after leaving my ex. I didn't expect that at all. But I knew he was the one immediately, and we are now VERY happily married with a child together and one more on the way. The difference is night and day. (to clarify, we didn't get married for a few years, and I didn't introduce him to my son until we were talking marriage).

 

So yes, I actually have had people make awful comments about me moving on so quickly, etc. What they don't know is that the marriage was over in everything but name years before I left, and that God has his own timing for things. My parents got married 3 weeks after they met, and are still happily married 39 years later, so maybe it is genetic :)

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As a friend, have you discussed counseling with her? There are certain steps that can be followed and yes, sometimes it ends up in divorce but before it gets to that point a few things can usually be done.

A good counselor will be able to lead her through those steps. Is she able to see a counselor by herself? Does she have access to money?

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There seems to be a few threads lately about this topic and I am very curious about the effects of divorce. Does divorce offer real comfort and happiness or does life just get worst, much worst. That all depends on the situation. I'm thinking dealing with an ex husband, kids, holidays, and future new spouses would just be a complete and total nightmare. Depends on the parents.

 

If you have survived a divorce, would you do it again? I didn't have a choice, he chose to leave us. Otherwise I never would have. Do you think it's better than staying in an unhappy marriage? Yep, he did all of us a favor. A family member of mine is very close to this point. I just don't know what to say to her anymore. I just can't imagine divorce making anything better. Am I right or wrong? And why? There is no physical abuse. There are anger issues, there has been addiction (p*rn) issues, and seems to be emotional manipulation on different levels. But, the kids love him and he is a good provider. He's just not necessarily a nice person or easy person to live with. I guess the easiest way to describe him would be selfish. Everything is about his personal happiness and he doesn't seem to understand what her life is like or care. He does nothing around the house, carrying kids here or there, errands, schooling - nothing. He provides the paycheck. He doesn't make himself available on any level. It sounds like she would be so much better off without him on all levels.

 

So, she has no formal education. This does not matter, I had pretty much nothing but a hs diploma but I am now putting myself through school and working full time. What do you think? It seems to me she would be foolish to pursue a divorce. It sounds like she is better off without him like I said. If he is not willing to go to counseling and willing to work on his marriage, what is the point of being in it? One person alone does not make a marriage, it take's two. I just do not know what to say. Offer her support and don't offer anything unless she asks. She needs support right now to come to the decision that is best for her.Any thoughts about what divorce is REALLY like? Does it really offer peace or do you trade one set of problems for another? Yes and no. It just depends on the people involved. It can be so miserable and heartbreaking. My ex chose to move to another state and very rarely sees his children and it hurts my son very very much. He has no job, lives in an area with few job opportunities, and as far as I know he is not trying to go back to school. His parents live there though. I am better off without him in my life, however my son deserves a father who will be a real father. I cannot control his actions however.

 

If two people are willing to be civil to friendly, not talk badly about the other parent or stepparents to the children, not fight in front of the children, and share parenting, then this can be the best of a bad situation. In my situation, I can educate and parent my children as I see fit, I can finally go back to school, and I can cook and clean without someone constantly criticizing me.

 

I don't advocate divorce at all, especially with children involved. I believe parents should constantly work on their marriage and don't allow things to turn bad. Children deserve two parents who love each other. Two people in a bad marriage is not healthy for anyone. children need to be shown what a good marriage looks like, otherwise they come away with ugly views of marriage. A former friend of mine's parents are two people who should NOT be together. I watched him degrade and tear down his wife, and his wife nag and retaliate. It gave the kids such a horrible view of marriage and a very bad example on how they should treat their spouses. If one is willing to go to counseling and work on themselves, then it's worth it. If not, they are better off apart.

 

In the end, it all is up to the person. They must bear the burden of their decision either way, and a friend needs to be supportive as much as they can. Going or staying is a VERY hard decision.

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Okay this is not a marriage to counsel her to stay in. This is a marriage to counsel her to get out. How long ago was the incident with the van/speeding/threats? How often do these outbursts occur? Given that she is now having panic attacks obviously these things are effecting her greatly. WOrkablity or not she needs to get out. You mention grown kids. Would any of them take her in so she could get on her feet?

:iagree: the man is nuts.

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If you have survived a divorce, would you do it again? Do you think it's better than staying in an unhappy marriage?

 

Yes. And better for the kids not to grow up in a house where this dynamic becomes their "normal" for relationships.

 

He does nothing around the house, carrying kids here or there, errands, schooling - nothing. He provides the paycheck. He doesn't make himself available on any level.

 

If this is not what they agreed to at the time of their marriage, then where is the marriage in this?

 

So, she has no formal education. What do you think? It seems to me she would be foolish to pursue a divorce. I just do not know what to say. Any thoughts about what divorce is REALLY like? Does it really offer peace or do you trade one set of problems for another?

 

Thanks so much!!

 

I think she should get her ducks in a row before she makes any big decisions.

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Well, she is seeing someone for the panic attacks, but I'm not sure that they discuss her marriage. She does have access to money. That is another issue for her. Her husband makes a very good living- six figures and they have a very nice home. Leaving would mean such a huge change for everyone, on every level.

 

 

 

 

As a friend, have you discussed counseling with her? There are certain steps that can be followed and yes, sometimes it ends up in divorce but before it gets to that point a few things can usually be done.

A good counselor will be able to lead her through those steps. Is she able to see a counselor by herself? Does she have access to money?

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Well, she is seeing someone for the panic attacks, but I'm not sure that they discuss her marriage. She does have access to money. That is another issue for her. Her husband makes a very good living- six figures and they have a very nice home. Leaving would mean such a huge change for everyone, on every level.

 

A golden jail is still a jail.

 

Trust me; I have BTDT.

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Yes, I suppose so...

 

Another issue for her has been her self confidence. With the panic attacks, I don't think she feels strong enough to do anything on her own. I think she feels very weak and incapable of even holding down a job, much less trying to support herself,the kids, and deal with her husband. Seems so hopeless and sad.:confused:

 

 

A golden jail is still a jail.

 

Trust me; I have BTDT.

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Yes, I suppose so...

 

Another issue for her has been her self confidence. With the panic attacks, I don't think she feels strong enough to do anything on her own. I think she feels very weak and incapable of even holding down a job, much less trying to support herself,the kids, and deal with her husband. Seems so hopeless and sad.:confused:

 

That's the PTSD and, quite honestly, the consequences of the insidious abuse dynamic. By the time I left my 15 year marriage, my xh was calling me names I can't post here. He'd often throw in adjectives about ugly, stupid, "bad mom". I believed him (in spite of evidence my entire life to the contrary). He chose those things because I was *smart*, people found me fun and attractive, and I had been published on parenting advice.

 

She's stuck because, over time, he's convinced her she's stuck.

 

She really needs to read the books I suggested and get some competent counseling.

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Thank you so very much. I feel so much better giving her some tools to use. I don't know what her ultimat decision will be, but I sure hope that she can find the strength to *begin* finding herself again....gaining her power back.

 

Joanne, since you've got experience with this type of relationship, do you think there is any hope for the relationship? It really doesn't seem like he will ever grasp his problems...I'm guessing that will always make it difficult for them.

 

I will definitely get her the books. I love having something that I can do to encourage and provide comfort (even if just a little).

 

You've been very helpful and thank you so much for offering your advice and support. It's been extremely helpful!!

 

 

That's the PTSD and, quite honestly, the consequences of the insidious abuse dynamic. By the time I left my 15 year marriage, my xh was calling me names I can't post here. He'd often throw in adjectives about ugly, stupid, "bad mom". I believed him (in spite of evidence my entire life to the contrary). He chose those things because I was *smart*, people found me fun and attractive, and I had been published on parenting advice.

 

She's stuck because, over time, he's convinced her she's stuck.

 

She really needs to read the books I suggested and get some competent counseling.

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Thank you so very much. I feel so much better giving her some tools to use. I don't know what her ultimat decision will be, but I sure hope that she can find the strength to *begin* finding herself again....gaining her power back.

 

Joanne, since you've got experience with this type of relationship, do you think there is any hope for the relationship? It really doesn't seem like he will ever grasp his problems...I'm guessing that will always make it difficult for them.

 

I will definitely get her the books. I love having something that I can do to encourage and provide comfort (even if just a little).

 

You've been very helpful and thank you so much for offering your advice and support. It's been extremely helpful!!

 

Speaking professionally, instead of from a BTDT perspective, it is rare that a person seeks, processes through, and sustains the intervention and help needed to transcend an abusive nature and personality.

 

 

The power and abuse rule might be useful.

 

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

 

Speaking personally, I tried for years to clean up "my side of the street". I had the idea from being a Christian and also in 12 Step recovery that "it takes 2" and that I was a "sinner" also. I read The Power of a Praying Wife. I read other stuff.

 

But, when it comes to power/control/abuse, there isn't 2 sides. It takes 2 to MAKE a marriage, but it only takes one to destroy one. I made change after change after change. I "acted as if". I did everything I could.

 

It all just gave him more fodder.

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I can speak from my own personal situation which involved addiction and emotional distance for several yrs. In my opinion your friend can get through this in a different manner, IF there is NO physcial abuse.

 

What helped me was a good therapist. The therapist worked me through all the abuse I had been through as a child and helped me to see how I had gotten into my current situation. This takes time of course. As you work through it, you see how you can change your choices to become more healthy. There was a lot of pain in the months I worked through this.

 

As I became healthier through therapy, my dh did too. Things aren't perfect, there's still some emotional distance, because that's just the way he is, but he deals with anger better, the blaming me for the ills of the world has stopped. The addiction is unfortunately still there, but for now I live with it well. Here's what helped:

 

Intense therapy along with much research into the causes of my situation.

After our near divorce occurred, I immediately got a job. This was probably the #1 most effective factor for changing my husband and me. It shifted the power, I now made my own money and could partially support myself and the kids. 2nd it helped me. I felt stronger for having this resource. I was out with adults for the 1st time in yrs, and it felt good. I would do this even if it meant putting kids in school if she homeschools. She needs the time to change her life around and make herself a priority. If this happens, others will see her as a priority too. I'm lucky in that I work 12 hr shifts so I'm home a lot too. Even if she has no experience, she can apply for retail, service jobs etc.

 

I also went back to school full time so I can actually make a living that will support myself and the kids if we should ever divorce. I wouldn't want this to happen, but addiction is still in my picture, so no guarantees here. I work and go to school. I Think Joanne and I have taken much the same path in this respect. I can support myself and the kids barely now, but could put them through college etc, if I get my advanced degree.

 

The 3rd thing that helped was treatment for PTSD. I think the treatment was called EMD. It literally gave me the ability to be able to NOT get anxious about things in my life now. I would get overly anxious about addiction related things due to events from the past. EMD neutralizes past events, so they no longer affect current reactions. It literally saved my mind. It is amazing. It has given me the ability to stay in the relationship while I get my degree.

 

And, like I said, once I did all these things, my husband changed. He is kind, caring, helps when asked, has made an extensive outreach to the kids and myself to form a relationship that had been lacking with all of us. He worked at it at 1st, and now it is more natural for him. These changes have been there for a yr now, so I assume they could be permanent. He doesn't have angry outbursts anymore either.

 

So I guess my answer is, there is a possibility to have peace and love without divorce, but it takes a HUGE amount of work. I turned my life upside down, but I grew a lot from it too.

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Speaking professionally, instead of from a BTDT perspective, it is rare that a person seeks, processes through, and sustains the intervention and help needed to transcend an abusive nature and personality.

 

 

The power and abuse rule might be useful.

 

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

 

Speaking personally, I tried for years to clean up "my side of the street". I had the idea from being a Christian and also in 12 Step recovery that "it takes 2" and that I was a "sinner" also. I read The Power of a Praying Wife. I read other stuff.

 

But, when it comes to power/control/abuse, there isn't 2 sides. It takes 2 to MAKE a marriage, but it only takes one to destroy one. I made change after change after change. I "acted as if". I did everything I could.

 

It all just gave him more fodder.

Yep yep....so true.

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Wow- you are amazing! What is EMD? What type of counseling should she get? Marriage/ abuse/ Christian? Yikes, where to begin!?

 

It's amazing at how much you have done and yet stayed with him. How do you avoid being resentful? Do you work and homeschool? I'm just trying to wrap my brain around how you are doing ALL of that!

 

 

 

I can speak from my own personal situation which involved addiction and emotional distance for several yrs. In my opinion your friend can get through this in a different manner, IF there is NO physcial abuse.

 

What helped me was a good therapist. The therapist worked me through all the abuse I had been through as a child and helped me to see how I had gotten into my current situation. This takes time of course. As you work through it, you see how you can change your choices to become more healthy. There was a lot of pain in the months I worked through this.

 

As I became healthier through therapy, my dh did too. Things aren't perfect, there's still some emotional distance, because that's just the way he is, but he deals with anger better, the blaming me for the ills of the world has stopped. The addiction is unfortunately still there, but for now I live with it well. Here's what helped:

 

Intense therapy along with much research into the causes of my situation.

After our near divorce occurred, I immediately got a job. This was probably the #1 most effective factor for changing my husband and me. It shifted the power, I now made my own money and could partially support myself and the kids. 2nd it helped me. I felt stronger for having this resource. I was out with adults for the 1st time in yrs, and it felt good. I would do this even if it meant putting kids in school if she homeschools. She needs the time to change her life around and make herself a priority. If this happens, others will see her as a priority too. I'm lucky in that I work 12 hr shifts so I'm home a lot too. Even if she has no experience, she can apply for retail, service jobs etc.

 

I also went back to school full time so I can actually make a living that will support myself and the kids if we should ever divorce. I wouldn't want this to happen, but addiction is still in my picture, so no guarantees here. I work and go to school. I Think Joanne and I have taken much the same path in this respect. I can support myself and the kids barely now, but could put them through college etc, if I get my advanced degree.

 

The 3rd thing that helped was treatment for PTSD. I think the treatment was called EMD. It literally gave me the ability to be able to NOT get anxious about things in my life now. I would get overly anxious about addiction related things due to events from the past. EMD neutralizes past events, so they no longer affect current reactions. It literally saved my mind. It is amazing. It has given me the ability to stay in the relationship while I get my degree.

 

And, like I said, once I did all these things, my husband changed. He is kind, caring, helps when asked, has made an extensive outreach to the kids and myself to form a relationship that had been lacking with all of us. He worked at it at 1st, and now it is more natural for him. These changes have been there for a yr now, so I assume they could be permanent. He doesn't have angry outbursts anymore either.

 

So I guess my answer is, there is a possibility to have peace and love without divorce, but it takes a HUGE amount of work. I turned my life upside down, but I grew a lot from it too.

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But, when it comes to power/control/abuse, there isn't 2 sides. It takes 2 to MAKE a marriage, but it only takes one to destroy one. I made change after change after change. I "acted as if". I did everything I could.

 

It all just gave him more fodder.

 

AMEN!

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Wow- you are amazing! What is EMD? What type of counseling should she get? Marriage/ abuse/ Christian? Yikes, where to begin!?

 

It's amazing at how much you have done and yet stayed with him. How do you avoid being resentful? Do you work and homeschool? I'm just trying to wrap my brain around how you are doing ALL of that!

 

 

My therapist was excellent. Graduated with a doctorate from Vandy, was a Christian, not sure if that was integrated into her counseling. I went to therapy beacuse my dh wanted a divorce after 17 yrs. I was in total shock. I thought I was the best wife I could be, and didn't know how this had happened. I went to get over my shock and to get help deciding where to go from there. Probably my therapist would say divorce was best, i had no good choices, but I chose to stay because what I saw as abuse was gone, the relationship improved with all of us, and my children are old enough to understand my reasons for trying to stay vs leave.

 

I was very resentful at 1st. I went to Alanon and that seemed to make ti worse. I still occasionally get resentful. Maybe I'm too busy with work, school and spending time with the family to get resentful.

 

My kids are older teens and all but 2 of their classes are outsourced. Otherwise, I would've had to put them in school and it would've broke my heart.

 

The EMD therapy is pretty close to hypnosis. Not everyone is trained in it. You undergo some relaxation techniques, then visualize your earliest trauma, then you use some more relaxation techniques along with some short hypnosis type hand movements from the therapist and you visualize the scene again. Each time the scene gets less and less painful, until you eventually look at with no emotion. The session for each event took anbout 1.5 hrs. I went through a session for each traumatic event in my childhood. This is how it helped the anxiety: For example, I had serious abandonment issues (both parents had literally dumped us on someone at one point in our life). This caused even more severe anxiety when I felt like my husband was abandoning me. It was like feeling twice as much anxiety as I should have. After doing the EMD, the anxiety from the previous event was mostly erased, so I was able to feel only as anxious as someone "normal" would feel. That along with taking steps to my own financial freedom helped me not to feel anxious.

 

I hope this helps someone, I'm not saying my method was right, or that it's even healthy, but it's worked for me.

 

I also am very sure to spend an hour per day doing something I enjoy. I also take a yoga class 2-3x/week.

 

Those things are my maintenance program.

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This is great Michelle. It sounds to me like you took a situation that could have easily crippled someone and made them feel completely powerless, and you owned it and took control of everything! You have done so much for yourself and children. I hope that you realize how strong you are!!! I pray that you continue to find peace and happiness as you pursue your career and care for your children. I also pray that your husband manages to get his addiction under control and value you for the woman that you truly ARE. I will be praying for you and your family and I hope you will keep me updated on your situation!

:grouphug:

 

 

 

My therapist was excellent. Graduated with a doctorate from Vandy, was a Christian, not sure if that was integrated into her counseling. I went to therapy beacuse my dh wanted a divorce after 17 yrs. I was in total shock. I thought I was the best wife I could be, and didn't know how this had happened. I went to get over my shock and to get help deciding where to go from there. Probably my therapist would say divorce was best, i had no good choices, but I chose to stay because what I saw as abuse was gone, the relationship improved with all of us, and my children are old enough to understand my reasons for trying to stay vs leave.

 

I was very resentful at 1st. I went to Alanon and that seemed to make ti worse. I still occasionally get resentful. Maybe I'm too busy with work, school and spending time with the family to get resentful.

 

My kids are older teens and all but 2 of their classes are outsourced. Otherwise, I would've had to put them in school and it would've broke my heart.

 

The EMD therapy is pretty close to hypnosis. Not everyone is trained in it. You undergo some relaxation techniques, then visualize your earliest trauma, then you use some more relaxation techniques along with some short hypnosis type hand movements from the therapist and you visualize the scene again. Each time the scene gets less and less painful, until you eventually look at with no emotion. The session for each event took anbout 1.5 hrs. I went through a session for each traumatic event in my childhood. This is how it helped the anxiety: For example, I had serious abandonment issues (both parents had literally dumped us on someone at one point in our life). This caused even more severe anxiety when I felt like my husband was abandoning me. It was like feeling twice as much anxiety as I should have. After doing the EMD, the anxiety from the previous event was mostly erased, so I was able to feel only as anxious as someone "normal" would feel. That along with taking steps to my own financial freedom helped me not to feel anxious.

 

I hope this helps someone, I'm not saying my method was right, or that it's even healthy, but it's worked for me.

 

I also am very sure to spend an hour per day doing something I enjoy. I also take a yoga class 2-3x/week.

 

Those things are my maintenance program.

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I know! Life has a way of keeping us real, doesn't it? I had a ton of great ideas about marriage and how 'I' would do this or that...yeah...that changed! I've talked with lots of friends over the years about marriage issues and it's been amazing what we have all learned to live with and let go of for various reasons. But, mostly, we do what we do to keep our familiy's intact and make the best decisions for them. However, there does come a time when you can be pushed too far, and you can't keep being the 'good guy' or constantly do the right thing.

 

I hope your husband finds some answers and realizes that he is going to hurt a LOT of ppl if he doesn't figure out some things. I will be praying for your family and peace for all of you! :grouphug:

 

 

 

AMEN! I used to believe it took two to "make or break" a marriage, but after the last 6mths, I've definitely changed my mind. If I didn't have 7 children with no way to support them, I'm not sure I'd still be in my marriage. My dh is in counseling so we'll see. A few years ago I'd have told you I didn't believe in divorce except in the case of infidelity, but it's funny how life's experiences can change a person.

 

I'm sorry for your friend!

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I'd like to reiterate that sometimes divorce is imposed on you or your children against your will. I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, have an advanced degree and have been contributing more than half of household income, and I was blindsighted recently. I tried to behave with dignity and grace only for the sake of my older child (my other one is a baby), because you can see the children lose respect for BOTh parents the way the adults end up acting, so I really tried to minimize that even though I was very much the "wronged" party. In other words, one does not get a choice in the matter.

 

I would advise your frined to lay the groundwork now if she can, to work on herself before making a decision, so no matter what the decision, it comes from a place of more power than she has now...

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I haven't read all of the responses to this thread so forgive me if I am repeating others, but there is just no way to fully understand what someone else is going through. You can try to quantify your friend's experiences as you understand them and reason what it must be like to live with her husband. But this is a decision that only your friend can make. And she is the one who will have to live with the consequences. If you are looking to advise her based on the information you get on this forum, I would caution you against that. Advice from well-meaning friends can do a lot of damage in a divorce-type situation. The best thing you can do for someone facing this type of thing is to support her in whatever she does.

 

As far as my divorce, while it is not what I wanted to do, it was the right decision for me and my kids. The financial aspect of being a single mom (with no child support) is very stressful, but my divorce released me from an unbearable situation that was causing long-term damage to me and my children.

 

Kathy

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I am a child whose parents both divorced before marrying each other and divorced again. I had millions of dreams that my parents loved each other and my father loved me. I can't tell you how much I wished I were born into a family with only One marriage, with loving parents. On the other hand, though, I am glad that my father was out of my life since I was 6. He walked out one day and simply disappeared and we couldn't find him and never have seen him since. I also grew up with abusive older siblings and even verbally abusive mother.

Now I have a loving dh, two wonderful sons, the best parents in law. Bit still I have been dealing with anxiety and depression. The emotional abuse I suffered before I went to college is just too much. I am now receiving biblical counseling and also taking medication.

All my siblings are divorced and remarried. I don't like divorce, but I would rather my parents divorce than seeing them abuse each other.

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I'm sorry for your pain. It sounds like a very difficult and painful journey to go through. I hope that you find peace and comfort in your counseling!

 

 

 

 

I am a child whose parents both divorced before marrying each other and divorced again. I had millions of dreams that my parents loved each other and my father loved me. I can't tell you how much I wished I were born into a family with only One marriage, with loving parents. On the other hand, though, I am glad that my father was out of my life since I was 6. He walked out one day and simply disappeared and we couldn't find him and never have seen him since. I also grew up with abusive older siblings and even verbally abusive mother.

Now I have a loving dh, two wonderful sons, the best parents in law. Bit still I have been dealing with anxiety and depression. The emotional abuse I suffered before I went to college is just too much. I am now receiving biblical counseling and also taking medication.

All my siblings are divorced and remarried. I don't like divorce, but I would rather my parents divorce than seeing them abuse each other.

 

 

I completely agree. I certainly would not give her any advice that I didn't feel was founded. I appreciate the trust and compassion that I am hearing from the responses on this thread. Sharing a painful decision is very hard- I imagine. I know that we live in a society that doesn't feel comfortable being truthful and open. We like to keep a perfect image. I'm very thankful for the real responses I'm getting to a very, very difficult situation.

 

I haven't read all of the responses to this thread so forgive me if I am repeating others, but there is just no way to fully understand what someone else is going through. You can try to quantify your friend's experiences as you understand them and reason what it must be like to live with her husband. But this is a decision that only your friend can make. And she is the one who will have to live with the consequences. If you are looking to advise her based on the information you get on this forum, I would caution you against that. Advice from well-meaning friends can do a lot of damage in a divorce-type situation. The best thing you can do for someone facing this type of thing is to support her in whatever she does.

 

As far as my divorce, while it is not what I wanted to do, it was the right decision for me and my kids. The financial aspect of being a single mom (with no child support) is very stressful, but my divorce released me from an unbearable situation that was causing long-term damage to me and my children.

 

Kathy

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