I need your opinion about something I have been struggling with (Long)

[mom2denj]

I am a little frustrated right now with my mom. I will try to keep this somewhat short.

 

My mom is in New Hampshire and I am in Florida. She is alone (my step dad died 11 yrs ago). My brother is however still in NH and they see each other here and there.

 

She has not been to visit me since 2000. She is afraid to fly and afraid to drive herself down here. I have been to NH every year sometimes twice a year since then. She usually pays for 2 of the plane tickets for us to come. Even with her paying for the flights (well, 2 of them), I still end up spending an arm and a leg because she wants to go out all the time.

 

Here is my frustration: She always makes me feel guilty if I cannot come. She thinks that because I homeschool, that we should have no problem picking up and going. I do not want to go this year!!!!!!!! I have a son in college that we are paying for some of it and I have other responsibilities. We are going to Tennessee to visit friends in November and I am really trying to save for this, and I do not want to feel guilty for wanting to go somewhere other than NH!

 

Well, I just got off of the phone with her and I told her that we would not be coming. Her composure changed immediately. I told her that it would be so much easier for me and less expensive for her if she would just get on a train and visit us. She has 4 weeks of vacation a year, but she says she does not want to take 2 weeks at once. I feel like she is being selfish seeing how I have been the one to go there every year for the last 11 years. She also says that she is too old to travel by herself. She is 65, very independent and she lives by herself (which BTW, is the only way she wants to live) and she works full time and goes out ALL the time. The "I'm too old" excuse is bogus to me.

However, she always leaves me feeling sooooo guilty.

 

Am I being selfish?? Should I be visiting her whenever I can, especially if she is paying for the tickets? I just know that if I had grandchildren in another state and I was able, I would try and visit as much as I could.

 

Please be honest with your advice.

[Parrothead]

Call your mom's best friend and invite the both of them down together.

[zookeeper]

No, you're not being selfish. It would be one thing if she was 90 and an invalid or if there health reasons that made traveling difficult for her. The older our parents get, the more we find they are just set in their ways and don't like change.

 

My ILs live 1000 miles away and get upset if we take a vacation anywhere but to see them. We don't want to use up all our vacation time to go to the same place every time. We try to go every few years, but the complaining gets old.

 

I know it's difficult, but just let it roll off. If she wants to see you, she'll make the effort.

[Kathryn]

From the information you've given, no, not selfish at all.

[bettyandbob]

she's not too old. My 76 yo godmother goes everywhere alone--my godfather died 2 years ago. She has COPD and is not letting that stop her. She used to fly, but she hates security stuff. Now, she takes the train. Her most recent trip was South Carolina to northern California alone. She loved it and wishes she'd "discovered" the train earlier.

 

Sounds like your mom has more of a general anxiety problem and is using fear of flying as an excuse. She's also trying to inappropriately manipulate you. She wants to see you, she should go see you. The family with the least difficulty with travel should try to do the traveling. She is only one person and so she should be the one traveling.

[Nakia]

Heck no, you aren't being selfish!

[Jen500]

I don't think you are being selfish. However, if you enjoy visiting with your mother I would just go visit her in NH. Or maybe take this year off and go next year. I know she is not 'elderly' but our parents won't be around forever...I am basing this on assuming that you have nice visits.

[Melanie in WI]

No, you are not being selfish, she is. It sounds like she is used to getting her way and having you travel up to see her. Also, she feels her life and job are more important than hers. She can't take 2 weeks off at a time for vacation, but you can.

 

I bet if you stick to your guns and don't go up to visit her, she will find a way to go down to visit you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

From the information you've given, no, not selfish at all.

 

:iagree:

[Cinder]

You're not being selfish. It's not just the money. Traveling takes a lot of time and energy. It's exhausting. Mil just came down for a visit. She flew--and she's 84. It's a bit more difficult for her to travel now than it was 20 years ago, but she's willing as she knows it's so much easier overall for her to come to us than for the 5 of us to go up there. She can't even accommodate us all in her apartment anyway. Fortunately she's in good enough health to do this.

 

I think it's unreasonable for your mom to expect you to visit every year--even if she's paying for part of it. Your family dynamic is different now. You are no longer able to just drop everything, including hundreds of dollars, to visit as frequently. That's ok. Your mom might not understand or might not want to understand that, but it's no reason for you to feel guilty. :grouphug:

 

ETA: I haven't seen my mom in over 5 years. Doesn't mean I don't love her; I do. It's just financially very difficult for either of us to make a trip. She's planning to come next year for ds1's graduation. Can't wait!

Edited April 9, 2012 by Cinder

[mom2denj]

Oh, you are all making me feel so much better!!

 

I should have put in my description that with her, it is not so much anxiety, as it is her being "stuck in her ways". She is very routine and I truly believe that if she comes here, she will feel that she is not in control and that would drive her nuts!!

 

BTW, lets just say that I try to make our visits as tolerable as possible.;)

[Dustybug]

No, you are not being selfish. My MIL lives 5 minutes, yes FIVE minutes away and STILL expects us to always come to her. We have one vehicle that my DH takes to work from 1PM-midnight (and sometimes earlier/later) 6-7 days a week and she works days, but still complains that we never come see her. I don't have a CAR to drive there to see her when she is home! lol Not to mention that she actually drives PAST our house at least TWICE a day M-F to pick up my nephews from school. :glare:

[Nakia]

No, you are not being selfish. My MIL lives 5 minutes, yes FIVE minutes away and STILL expects us to always come to her. We have one vehicle that my DH takes to work from 1PM-midnight (and sometimes earlier/later) 6-7 days a week and she works days, but still complains that we never come see her. I don't have a CAR to drive there to see her when she is home! lol Not to mention that she actually drives PAST our house at least TWICE a day M-F to pick up my nephews from school. :glare:

 

I hear ya! My mom lives less than 15 minutes away and gets made if we don't visit her frequently. She comes to my house 3 times per year, once for each of my daughters' birthdays. Yet, she visits her father in the nursing home that is 2 miles from my house at least once a week. So weird.

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't think you are being selfish at all!

[Shellers]

No you are not being selfish. You mom is being manipulative.

[Danestress]

But just you. Between your dh and older kids, I think you should be able to take a few days off. If your mom is willing to pay for the ticket, arrange to go for a trip alone.

 

I think as people get older, they get anxious about weird things. Their bodies do annoying things. A lot of older people don't like traveling, and even if you get her to do it this year, the writing is on the wall. So to me it would be sad for her to see less of the kids, but you are the one who most needs to spend time with her. As long as she helps out with the financial end, going by yourself seems like the gets resolution to me.

[Tap]

I would tell her that it is time to swap roles. You will pay for her ticket and she can come to you. Offer to pay for a friend also, if she would prefer to not travel alone. Get the a hotel, if that makes the most sense. It will be an expensive trip this time, but maybe next time, after she sees that she can do it, she will travel alone and stay with you.

 

Why does it have to be for 2 weeks? Can't she just come for one?

 

Honestly, I wouldn't give her much of an option. I would just tell her her, "this is what we are going to do" and "I can make these accommodations for 2 people or if you are willing to travel alone, then you can stay with us". If you don't want to make the trip, that is fine, but then we will see you in a year or so. For every excuse counter it with a firm "you don't know until you try it at least once".

 

Honestly, I think there is a pride/control issue with some people. They want to say "my kids come to me, see how much they want to be with me". If they have to go to family, they act like they are the only one making the effort.

 

I understand that many people don't want to do the unfamiliar and the technology trends out pace many of the seniors in our lives. This makes new circumstances even more unfamiliar, to the point of uncomfortable. They get scared and are afraid they will get lost or do something seemingly stupid. While the fear is real, how a person handles is up to them. Remind her that there are first time riders on trains everyday, and that is why there are people there to ask for help. If no one needed assistance, there wouldn't be train employees there to help them!

 

 

Another alternative is for you to fly down and ride up with her for the first trip. That way you have a couple of days together alone and she still feels like you are putting out the effort. Expensive...yes. But it is a stepping stone.

Edited April 9, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[jenL]

You are not being selfish at all, although I can see how you would struggle with those thoughts because I struggle with how I don't want to go to NH to see my family there. My mom comes here 2-3 times/year (my sister and I are down here with our families) because she says it's easier for her to travel since she's just one person. While we are down here, however, our lives must STOP so we can cater and dote on our mom the entire time. My sister makes the trek once per year, and my family and I go every other usually (though dh dreads it and that is where his parents are). It's not a relaxing trip for us though because we spend the entire time running around visiting family and friends throughout NH and MA.

 

It's time for your mom to make the trip to you. You have the right to experience other locations with your family and not just NH.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Call your mom's best friend and invite the both of them down together.

 

:iagree: This, IMHO, is a brilliant idea.

[inmyopinion]

The best advice my dad ever gave me was that My family needs to come first, meaning my husband and kids. His mom made him feel guilty as she got older and my dad made it clear to me that if he ever became "demanding" as he got older, I should always do what was best for my family. Now, I know the fact he told me this makes it easier for me but I think we all need to give ourselves permission to do what is best for our family.

[ma23peas]

Something makes me believe this mother does not have a close friend she would travel with, and let us be honest, how many friends would choose to stay 2 weeks as a companion, not too many.

 

You are not being selfish, and you are being manipulated...this is your mother's decision not yours for her. Let her own it, love her through her insecurities and ditch the guilt trip. You have shown a great deal of love and loyalty, but always on her terms, you are an adult and have every reason to make these choices. Make them without thinking twice, move on, love your family, maybe send extra pictures to your mom with a thoughtful note. Visit her next year.

[Peaceful Isle]

Moms do have a way of making us feel guilty, huh? For some reason, we daughters have this imaginary tie to them, and they know how to yank it.;)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I think you need to think of your own family and just reassure her that you would love for her to visit anytime. It is not selfish. Selfish is expecting you and your family to continue going there.

[SKL]

Sounds to me like she's having trouble accepting a new way of looking at things - not unusual at her age. If you cave, she will never have to give any serious thought to coming to visit. If I really wanted my mom to visit me, I'd turn the tables and give her a little of the emotional stuff. "It's been so long, I'd really like you to see the way we live day to day. It could make you feel that much more a part of our lives." Or something like that.

 

My mom surprised me by getting her first passport at 65 to travel with me to a developing country, twice, in connection with the adoption of her grandkids. She had an ostomy bag and various other health issues. She is NOT a go-getter granny, but she managed to find the energy (and guts) to make those trips. I think your mom can do it if she decides it's worth it. I wouldn't expect it all the time, but once in 12 years is hardly unreasonable.

[gardenmom5]

My mom is in New Hampshire and I am in Florida. She is alone (my step dad died 11 yrs ago). My brother is however still in NH and they see each other here and there. She also says that she is too old to travel by herself. She is 65, very independent and she lives by herself (which BTW, is the only way she wants to live) and she works full time and goes out ALL the time. The "I'm too old" excuse is bogus to me.

However, she always leaves me feeling sooooo guilty.

 

Am I being selfish?? Should I be visiting her whenever I can, especially if she is paying for the tickets? I just know that if I had grandchildren in another state and I was able, I would try and visit as much as I could.

 

Please be honest with your advice.

 

since she's healthy (65 is NOT old. dh is 63. I have friends in their 80's who travel internationally) -

my advice is to grow a backbone. do not attempt to reason with her, she'll try to exploit it. learn to say "that doesn't work for me" - end of discussion and move to another subject. do not give a reason why something doesn't work for you as she'll try to convince you you're wrong and "Just being selfish" so she can guilt you into doing what *she* wants YOU to do. that's manipulation btw . . . .

Edited April 9, 2012 by gardenmom5

[Donna]

You are not being selfish, and you are being manipulated...this is your mother's decision not yours for her. Let her own it, love her through her insecurities and ditch the guilt trip. You have shown a great deal of love and loyalty, but always on her terms, you are an adult and have every reason to make these choices. Make them without thinking twice, move on, love your family, maybe send extra pictures to your mom with a thoughtful note. Visit her next year.

 

:iagree:

[mom2denj]

I have read every reply and I am so thankful to all of you!! My husband has been trying to tell me for years, all of the same things that all of you are telling me. I am going to stand firm that it is her turn to visit us, and allow myself to not feel guilty anymore!! Thank you!:)