advice on 13yr. old's creative writing short story

[Wren5]

Wow! I didn't know this forum was here :) I am just this year starting the high school stuff and so haven't looked her before. My daughter, who is working on a high school level in language arts, wrote this for a creative writing class at co-op. She was supposed to write a short story (~2pgs.) with no more than 2 main characters, a good hook, climax, and conclusion. She received a 95, the main issue was her conclusion. I was hoping to get some other feedback/suggestions :001_smile: (especially in how to write better conclusions, she has consistent trouble in that area and I'm not sure how to help.)

 

The French fry Feud

 

Zcandren Slaovix bit into the long, hot, yellow fries. “Dees cartontly dunt eat like frees!†He exclaimed. The man looked about thirty-five, and had defining Dutch features. And if someone would talk to him, his Dutch origins were positively confirmed. Zcandren was a stranger in the town, though it was rumored that he used to live there in his younger years, because he appeared surprisingly familiar with the town. Also, one of his favorite places to eat seemed to be Lanita’s Luscious Luncheonette, since he went there so often. However, the local townsfolk thought it rather odd, since the food was not as high quality as some of the other restaurants around. It used to be the finest place east of the Mississippi to eat at. That is until it changed ownership. The former owner, Paul Snader, was a kind old fellow who took care of the place himself. Many times he would be to busy to run it solo, so he would have his grandchildren, nephews, and nieces help him out. But then he had sold it to an Asian fellow. Not a soul in the town had a clue why, nevertheless several people gossiped that maybe he was running out of money to hire helpers to repair the quirks of the building. (Even though everyone in town would have volunteered in a heart beat.)

Mr. Slaovix seemed remarkably fascinated in the place. Zcandren was exceedingly weird. The luncheonette wasn’t interesting. It actually was rather austere. It was named after Mr. Snader’s wife, and the main reason it was so popular, was because they served scrumptious, mouthwatering fries. When it transferred owners, Mr. Snader had assured everyone that everything would continue as normal, because he said that he had sold his special recipe to the new folks. But the Asian people who purchased the eatery obviously did not use it. The kind townspeople thought the fries gross, but continued to come occasionally for courtesy’s sake. The Asians (the head man’s name was Shongklang Chang) were quite unfriendly and rude so the locals didn’t say anything to them concerning the nasty food. Whenever anyone tried to befriend Mr. Chang or the others, they rather curtly refused to have much of anything to do with them.

The villagers also had another worry- Mr. Zcandren Slaovix. Mr. Slaovix noticed this and had already gone to the Mayor. The Mayor ordered some of his men to go out and collect all the townsfolk for a meeting. Soon everyone, except the Asians, was gathered at the town hall. Then, Zcandren rose and walked to the front of the crowd. He asked one of the young men to get him a microphone, and appeared to begin to announce something, when suddenly he paused and began talking about a new brand of soap. Everyone was puzzled and started to whisper among themselves. Then just as suddenly as he had begun, he stopped and walked down into the crowd. Searching for the mayor, Mr. Slaovix finally found him and explained that he saw Mr. Chang peeping through the window, listening intently to what he was trying to say. Thereby, the mayor sent one of his men to tell the people that the meeting was postponed. Later that night, it being a small town, Zcandren Slaovix went around to all the houses and revealed that he was a detective. The next afternoon, while getting a bite to eat at Lanita’s Luscious Luncheonette, he took a whole box of food to go. This puzzled the Asians because he also asked them to pose for a picture. Mr. Slaovix declared that he was going to put their story of the luncheonette, etc., in the newspaper. Satisfied with this explanation, they went on about serving the other customers. However, Mr. Slaovix flew immediately to the state police department and showed them the picture and food.

Later, after inspecting it, several officers came back with him and arrested the Asians. Mr. Chang was, according to the records, a notorious criminal and had been settling down in their little town, making enormous sums of money on his fries made of squash! In the terms of agreement for the purchase of the restaurant, Mr. Snader had written, unbeknownst to the villagers, that if Mr. Chang did not follow Mr. Snader’s recipes, the deed would be transferred to Mr. Snader’s grandchildren. Paul Snader declared that the reason he had sold the eatery, was because he wanted to retire and didn’t want to burden his family with the responsibility of running a restaurant. Upon hearing this, his relatives stepped up and announced they wanted to continue, as a tradition, running the restaurant. After this announcement, the town held a big celebration at Lanita’s Luscious Luncheonette. And with Mr. Snader’s grandchildren again running the restaurant, everyone enjoyed the scrumptious fries and food.

[Jean in Newcastle]

A couple of comments, some more trivial than others.

 

What made her decide on the title? I don't see any signs of a feud in the story.

 

First Paragraph.

 

I'm embarrassed to say that I could not figure out what the Dutchman said, except that it had something to do with fries.

 

4th sentence, starting with "Zcandren was a stranger in town. . ." is a run-on sentence.

 

The sentence beginning "It used to be the finest. . ." ends in a preposition. It should be rewritten.

 

"Many times he would be to (should be too) busy to. . ."

 

Second paragraph:

The words "weird" and "gross" seem to be more teen-speak and don't quite fit the feel of the story. (This is my subjective feeling.)

 

As a reader I don't understand why the townspeople would go to a restaurant that served them gross food. The story says that it was for courtesy sake, but since the new owner was rude to the townspeople, that seems odd to me that they would want to be courteous back.

 

Third paragraph:

 

Why are the townspeople worried about Zcandren Slaovix and why would that worry prompt the Mayor to have a town meeting with him in charge?

 

Fourth paragraph:

 

How could the Asians be making tons of money on squash fries when they only had occasional courtesy customers buying them? Is it illegal to sell squash fries? I like yam fries, myself.

 

Also - everyone already knew that the Asians didn't use the correct recipe. Why wasn't the breach in contract brought up from the beginning?

 

Concluding remarks:

 

I like her word choice and her "voice" in the piece. I felt however, that she would have benefited from writing an outline of the story. I think that would have helped her to design a plot that flowed better from start to finish.

[Wren5]

Thank you for the feedback. Most of the points you bring out were also pointed out by her instructor. However the idea to do an outline is a good one. She does do an outline for formal writing (research papers, biographies, etc.) but I didn't think to have her do one for "creative" writing.

 

Here are a couple of answers to your "questions"

 

"These certainly don't eat like fries":) She loves to use foreign "speak" and names in her writing, I am trying to encourage her but also figure out how to make it easier on the reader.

 

"Many times he would be to (should be too) busy to. . ." (What should have changed here?)

 

She is pretty tenderhearted and in her mind she felt that to stop going to a restaurant that an old friend had owned was not acceptable, therefore the townspeople should also put up with the new people out of respect for their friend and to not be rude (as opposed to the Asians in the story)

 

Squash fries (in the story) were cheaper than regular and so they were cutting costs to make more money.

 

No one knew about the clause in the contract until the previous owner brought it up.

 

Thanks again for your points, I agree that there were a number of things here she could have improved on and it helps to have that "outside" voice to show her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

"These certainly don't eat like fries":) She loves to use foreign "speak" and names in her writing, I am trying to encourage her but also figure out how to make it easier on the reader. OK - I did read it like that but thought I was wrong because of the word "eat". Wouldn't it be "taste" like fries? or is using "eat" a Dutch figure of speech?

 

"Many times he would be to (should be too) busy to. . ." (What should have changed here?) the "to" should be changed to "too" (I meant that by putting it in parentheses but it wasn't clear.)

 

She is pretty tenderhearted and in her mind she felt that to stop going to a restaurant that an old friend had owned was not acceptable, therefore the townspeople should also put up with the new people out of respect for their friend and to not be rude (as opposed to the Asians in the story)

 

Squash fries (in the story) were cheaper than regular and so they were cutting costs to make more money.

 

No one knew about the clause in the contract until the previous owner brought it up.

 

Thanks again for your points, I agree that there were a number of things here she could have improved on and it helps to have that "outside" voice to show her.

 

Re. her plot. I am judging it from adult's logical perspective. Her plot is young but then she's only 13. I think for improvement purposes, my suggestion of using an outline might help to make things hang together better. When I write, I often use notecards instead of a paper outline because it gives me more flexibility to move things around in a work of fiction. And I often will work on my outline from both ends - I'll write down my ideas for the start and then will jump to the end so that I know where I'm heading in my story.

[Wren5]

"These certainly don't eat like fries":) She loves to use foreign "speak" and names in her writing, I am trying to encourage her but also figure out how to make it easier on the reader. OK - I did read it like that but thought I was wrong because of the word "eat". Wouldn't it be "taste" like fries? or is using "eat" a Dutch figure of speech? The Dutch (by that I mean PA Dutch, which is what she has been around) have all sorts of unusual ways of saying things and I think she was playing off of the word usage she has heard growing up, which is an odd assortment of PA Dutch, English, German, and Spanish.:001_smile:

 

"Many times he would be to (should be too) busy to. . ." (What should have changed here?) the "to" should be changed to "too" (I meant that by putting it in parentheses but it wasn't clear.) I got it now. Thanks for clarifying that point.

 

I appreciate the help and clarification. Next time I will have her do an outline and see how that improves her writing. Thanks

 

Kathryn

[Teachin'Mine]

oops