StaceyinLA Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I hope this doesn't get too long. I do want to preface this with saying that my dss is an idiot. We didn't raise him, and he has a very different lifestyle than we would like. We have tried to help him in a lot of ways for a long time, but he isn't receptive. Here goes: My dss has a son with a girl he no longer dates. My dsgs is almost 3. We have a good relationship with him, and see him pretty regularly. We deal with the mom (at this point dss can't take him off anywhere so he only sees him at her house), and usually have him at least one night every other week to spend the night. All is okay at this point, but I know down the road (if she marries, etc.) the relationship may change. Dss had ongoing relationships with a couple other girls, and got two more girls pregnant (yes, he needs a vasectomy at 25 because he clearly can't control himself, but that's for another post). One of the girls lost her baby. The other had her baby (a girl) yesterday. The catch with the one that gave birth yesterday is there is a possibility the baby isn't his. As of now, the baby certainly looks like she could be his, and he was there when she was born, etc. We don't know if he will pursue DNA testing or just accept it as his, or what. Obviously he doesn't use his brain much. Dh said he doesn't really want to get involved with the baby until we know it's his. I feel like I should go see the baby if there is the potential it is our grandchild, even though I know I don't want to get as attached as I did with his son, because we don't know if there is a future for him and this girl. We have no idea what type of relationship we could possibly have with the baby in the long run. This is SO much drama I can't stand it. It's a terrible situation all the way around, and it truly disgusts dh and me. At the same time though, I don't know if I can have a "connection" to a child in any way, and not have at least something to do with that child. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Yes, go and be that support this young mother needs. Think of her as just any girl who chose life instead of an abortion and her baby as you would tenderly treat any newborn. A gift of clothes, blanket, or whatever little thing will help her care for him would be perfect. I would not allow emotions to creep in at this point, just be the caring and wise mature woman she obviously doesn't have in her life. Your situation is very hard and it sounds like your good at turning a bad situation into something tolerable for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I have a DSS in his 20s, with a very different lifestyle from ours. I understand how that goes, and the dilemmas it creates. (We have quite a few dilemmas here, on that front.) We have not been in your shoes... But I can imagine it happening. I think we would go see the baby, and also encourage DSS to pursue DNA testing. But if he doesn't opt for DNA testing, and simply accepts this child as his responsibility, then I would still view that baby as my DGB (dear grand baby? I don't know the right abbreviation here!), and would want to foster that relationship - and start now. If the DNA testing happens, and if it comes out that your DSS is not the baby's biological father... that's a bridge you can cross then. Until then, I'd probably follow DSS's lead on this. Just my thoughts, given that I've halfway expected to land in your shoes for quite some time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I would proceed like it is your grandchild if DSS is behaving as though it is his child. (Heck, even if he starts acting like it isn't, until you have DNA proof I would carry on as though it is.) Better to leave that door open than to do something that could put a wall between you and DSS or DSGD(?)'s mom. This child, whatever her parentage, is going need people in her life who love on her. Having watched some family soaps over the years, I think having one or both parents be knuckleheads puts a child in even greater need of loving, sensible people in thier corner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 :grouphug: Ugh, what a mess. My recommendation would be for your dss to pursue DNA testing. My cousin was in what sounds like the exact same situation. He did not have DNA testing done initially. Long story short, they married but the relationship soured after 6 years. At that time the mother informed my cousin the child was not his, divorced him, and married the man that actually WAS the father. After DNA testing proved he was not the father, the court would not allow my cousin visitation. He raised this child as his for 6 years. It was such a heartbreaking time for my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkygirl Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 We are not in this position...yet as DSS and DSD are 9 and 11 although this type of situation has been something we have discussed. I would say this as a stepmom, stepmom relationships are different and as such we learn to see beyond the biology. If your DSS is treating the child as his own (DNA or not if he accepts the child as his, then he does have an obligation to that child) then I absolutely would treat this child as if it was my grandchild. It would be even harder for me to have a relationship with one grandchild and then not with the other when DSS has made the decision that he recognizes both as his. I immediately lump that into treating bio kids and step kids differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Go. Don't worry about connections. This is a young woman and a tiny baby in a vulnerable position right now. I'm sure there is a part of her that is terrified at facing the future and the responsibility of caring for this tiny new person. They could use kindness and support and acceptance. The real risk is becoming attached and losing a connection with the child. But I think possiblity of doing and being good in this baby's life far outweigh's that risk, and if DNA testing is done and dss is the father, you've built a bridge that might allow you to stay connected. :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Your dss sounds a LOT like my step siblings. My mom has finally figured out that there is nothing she can do to change them all as adults, so she can either be supportive or be the evil stepmother. She does what she can emotionally handle and steps away from the rest. Do what you can. If your dss stepped up by being there for the birth, then perhaps your presence can show your support for that decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 A baby is a blessing regardless of the situation of the adults that created it...Go and enjoy that baby even if he turns out not to be biologically related you at least get to snuggle and love on a cute squishy baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I think the baby could use some loving people in her family either way. So if the mother seems receptive, I'd go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Be a part of the baby's life if you can. I'd encourage getting a paternity test. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 even though it stinks for you. When in doubt, try to do what is right for the children in any family drama. For the three year old, that might mean eventually honoring a new family and backing a way a little, communicating in ways that are comfortable for the Mom, but remaining as a loving presence in the boundaries. With the new baby, I think you should reach out to the new Mother, offer help with financial things if you can, be pleasant and uncritical, and see what happens. This Mom may need love, help, support. I think you have to try to do that for the good of an innocent child, to the extent Mom is open to it. I am so sorry for your situation. It must be very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I think the baby could use some loving people in her family either way. So if the mother seems receptive, I'd go. :iagree: Nothing wrong with showing up with a gift of diapers or onesies either. Be kind and regardless of what happens down the road y'all come across to the new mom as loving and supportive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Dss has signed the birth certificate, so I'm thinking he must feel pretty confident she's his baby. She does resemble him for sure. I called dss and the mom today. I am going to see them tomorrow. I was actually going to go this evening and see them at the hospital, but they are checking out. I want to give them this evening to get her and baby settled (and I know they will have plenty of company). I will go in the morning, pick up some things and head to see the new little granddaughter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailofsparks Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Yes, go and be that support this young mother needs. Think of her as just any girl who chose life instead of an abortion and her baby as you would tenderly treat any newborn. A gift of clothes, blanket, or whatever little thing will help her care for him would be perfect. I would not allow emotions to creep in at this point, just be the caring and wise mature woman she obviously doesn't have in her life. Your situation is very hard and it sounds like your good at turning a bad situation into something tolerable for your family. :iagree: with this, exactly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailofsparks Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Oops, posted from when I read this thread earlier today! I see you've made your decision with the added info of the birth certificate. Even though it isn't a perfect (desirable) situation the whole way around, they will be so lucky to have you in their lives. All the best.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spaceman Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 I love what love2read said. And I agree, go. Let dss worry about paternity testing--or not. Just treat them as people who just welcomed a new precious baby into the world. And congrats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnrmom Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Yes, go and be that support this young mother needs. Think of her as just any girl who chose life instead of an abortion and her baby as you would tenderly treat any newborn. A gift of clothes, blanket, or whatever little thing will help her care for him would be perfect. I would not allow emotions to creep in at this point, just be the caring and wise mature woman she obviously doesn't have in her life. Your situation is very hard and it sounds like your good at turning a bad situation into something tolerable for your family. I totally agree with this. There is really nothing to lose, and you bring love and light to a new mom and baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Yes, go and be that support this young mother needs. Think of her as just any girl who chose life instead of an abortion and her baby as you would tenderly treat any newborn. A gift of clothes, blanket, or whatever little thing will help her care for him would be perfect. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Yes, go and be that support this young mother needs. Think of her as just any girl who chose life instead of an abortion and her baby as you would tenderly treat any newborn. A gift of clothes, blanket, or whatever little thing will help her care for him would be perfect. I would not allow emotions to creep in at this point, just be the caring and wise mature woman she obviously doesn't have in her life. Your situation is very hard and it sounds like your good at turning a bad situation into something tolerable for your family. That is such a beautiful and wise answer. Stacey, congratulations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 5, 2012 Author Share Posted April 5, 2012 She's quite precious, and I'm a sucker for baby girls, so I'm excited! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 She's quite precious, and I'm a sucker for baby girls, so I'm excited! Congrats on a wonderful grandbaby! I'm so glad you went!:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.