Anyone else really bad at finding good friendships?

[lailasmum]

This is kind of a vent, gotta get it out of my head post and is quite pathetic really.

 

I am bad at the friendship thing, always have been. I am a total introvert but I usually have 1 or 2 close friends that I see separately on a one to one basis. I realised last year I tend to fall in to very unbalanced friendships, I do a lot for the friend and they rarely reciprocate if ever.

 

Anyway, I currently have a friendship with a couple who I have fallen into this unbalanced pattern with. I have known the wife for about 3 years and her husband for a bit less time. I have really tried to be there for her and her family, particularly over the last year. It has been a really stressful time for them, job loss, new baby etc... I've done all the things you are supposed to do, meals, looked after their eldest, helped with moving, general life stuff, helped with their near weekly disasters, lent them tools and equipment to save them money and been looking after 3 of their pets that needed rehoming for over a year.

 

This last weekend they have done something that has shown me how little respect they they really have for me. I am not going to go into details but it has outlined how little they care about me on so many levels. That added to the fact I have been looking after their animals for such a long time with very little help for food costs or even interest in their pets is making me wonder why I bother with such a one sided relationship. There are a ton of other little things that aren't enough to tip the apple cart but I am so hurt by them this last weekend I can't even bring myself to talk to them properly about it at the moment. It's still too raw to speak to them about it. However I did speak briefly to them on Sunday right just as I realised what had happened and decided to end the conversation.

 

They have left me messages and texts apologising but I am not sure they know what they are apologising for.

 

Even though I feel so upset part of me thinks I should just accept their apology and keep the small number of friends I have because that is the only sort of friendship I get. I know it's not a good way to live but I am seriously at risk of having no adult contact outside my husband and mother. I am just fed up of feeling used. I also feel like a total loser who should stop letting herself get taken advantage of.

Edited March 28, 2012 by lailasmum

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:

I am an introvert too.

 

Friendships suck the life out of me.

[Tohru]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

My only good adult relationships are my husband and...well, I guess just my husband.

[Momof3littles]

man...I wish you lived closer...we could like sit in the same general vicinity and glance over once in awhile...and you know...do our own thing

 

:D

:lol:

[lailasmum]

Thanks :) Going by all the introvert threads recently I thought someone would understand.

[KidsHappen]

man...I wish you lived closer...we could like sit in the same general vicinity and glance over once in awhile...and you know...do our own thing

 

:D

 

Oh, you can count me in. This is my idea of a perfect friendship. :001_smile:

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't think I'm an introvert, really... maybe I'm just not a friendly person? :lol:

But I totally know where you are coming from. For me, there is a lot of just not having a lot of things in common with other people. I went to a moms group for years, and sometimes I really felt like I belonged, and had great friends, etc, but other times not so much. And considering the fact that, since leaving, I don't really talk to any of the other moms group members for any significant amount of time (aside from a fellow hs mom :) ) I think it was usually the latter. :)

I'm one who feels alone in a crowd of people. A lot of the time. I have plenty of acquaintances and surface 'friendships' with people I enjoy, but not much of a deeper sort. My best friend is my SIL, and occasionally even she and I get a little sick of each other. :lol: Other than her I have one pretty good friend - other than that, however...

DH is an introvert. He likes to just stay at home. ;) So I think he's rubbing off on me a little, maybe.

[PeacefulChaos]

Hm interesting. I think really you are just a closet introvert. ;)

 

That's entirely possible. :lol: Maybe even probable.

tbh, it was a lot easier to mess with the whole friend idea when the boys went to school. Now I'm just too busy to bother with it, especially since most of my 'friendships' always required me to be the instigator (texts asking people if they wanted to get together for xyz, etc).

So yeah, I guess I probably am an introvert - I do really enjoy people, and I like being in things with people, and I like talking to a lot of people. But I don't really feel like expending much more energy than that. :D

[lailasmum]

I think I probably come unstuck because I have kind of had to learn the social stuff rather than feel it naturally. I would love a proper close female friend (this was what I thought I had found in the people I wrote about) but it does always seem to go wrong, maybe I am a terrible judge of character. I guess I need to embrace my solitude and talk to the cat.

[SunnyDays]

I'm another one of those who feels like we're always doing the asking. I know people are just busy... and when some of our friends have three kids in public school, plus activities, plus full time jobs... I suppose life just gets in the way.

 

When DS was in school, it seemed that having mom friends meant being heavily involved in PTA, always being willing to have kids over and take each others' kids places, etc. I'm not overly hospitable in my own home, unfortunately... while I would love to have another adult couple, or just a girlfriend or two over for dinner or drinks occasionally, that just doesn't happen when everyone has kiddos... and having other kids in my house running around kind of makes me crazy.

 

I have a very, very dear friend who lives a thousand miles away from me, literally... we became best friends in junior high and aside from a period of time in college where we drifted apart a bit, we've been close ever since. We can call each other anytime, day or night, with a crisis, and we usually talk on the phone 4-5 times a week. So really, I am blessed with this friendship. I do wish we lived closer, because neither of us are the kind of person who would show up uninvited, we both hate to impose on anyone, but either of us would drop everything to help the other in a crisis.

[SunnyDays]

I think I probably come unstuck because I have kind of had to learn the social stuff rather than feel it naturally. I would love a proper close female friend (this was what I thought I had found in the people I wrote about) but it does always seem to go wrong, maybe I am a terrible judge of character. I guess I need to embrace my solitude and talk to the cat.

 

I'm sorry you got burned. :grouphug: It happens to all of us sooner or later.

 

By the way, your pets are probably the safest friend you can ask for. My dog is always glad to see me, and he's a terrific listener!! ;)

[tex-mex]

I'm sorry you had that experience. :grouphug:

 

Fellow introvert also. In my later years, I stop looking for friends and simply try to follow the Golden Rule. I have had lots of lop-sided or one way relationships from people who either were self-absorbed or immature to give back as a true friend. But those experiences have helped me understand the human dynamic better from an Aspie "Anthropologist" POV trying to figure people out for over 46 years. :D

 

I don't think you will find the perfect relationship, unfortunately. But try to not give up on mankind either. :grouphug:

[Trish]

I think I probably come unstuck because I have kind of had to learn the social stuff rather than feel it naturally. I would love a proper close female friend (this was what I thought I had found in the people I wrote about) but it does always seem to go wrong, maybe I am a terrible judge of character. I guess I need to embrace my solitude and talk to the cat.

 

Well you sound like a giving person that anyone should prize as a friend. However, oftentimes "takers" are attracted to generous souls such as yourself, and the relationship can quickly become one-sided. I'd suggest as a self-protective measure to indulge your helpful instincts only to a certain degree...for example, no more than two favors for them before you wait for them to do something nice for you. (By "them" I'm referring to a generic set of friend/friends in the future, this particular set may not be salvageable, unfortunately) If your helpfulness is not returned in any way, then you can stay "friendly," but not especially "helpful," if you know what I mean. And then if the friendship cools, you'll know they aren't true friends.

 

These two don't sound like friends, but maybe you can hear them out and see if they're able to get on a more balanced track with you.

 

Good luck, and don't give up on friendship! I think a truly good friend is a rare find.

[4ofus]

man...I wish you lived closer...we could like sit in the same general vicinity and glance over once in awhile...and you know...do our own thing

 

:D

 

This.is.so.me.

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug:

 

FWIW, I'm an introvert, but am dying to have a friend. The older I get, the more I realize that I would love to have a couple of close friends and I have none. There are "potential" friends around, but none who seem to be interested in actually developing a friendship. I'm sure it's just because I'm weird or awkward or otherwise invisible.

 

But I am very sorry for your friendship troubles. "Better to have loved and lost" is a most painfully ridiculous sentiment.

[shanvan]

I love my cat. :001_smile:

 

I guess I need to embrace my solitude and talk to the cat.

 

Yes! Cats are great like that. Dh always knows it's been a rough day if her finds me on the bed with the cat. Sometimes the cat is the only one who understands......

 

see how my kitty just waits for me to need her.......

[Julie Smith]

I have a very good friend, but I only see her every couple of months. She is my parents house keeper so my parents see her weekly.

 

She was really there for me when I went for a really rough ride a few years ago. But unless you really need her she is hard to reach. We live very different lives. I am in many ways the typical Stay at home Mom. She is a combination of Samantha from sex-in-the-city and a Harley Davidson biker. She also lives 2 to 3 hours away.

 

I do have a pretty good friend in the area. We also only see each other every month or so. We to lead very different lives. She is single, and very Christian and spends lots of time doing church related activities. (I am atheist)

 

I do hope to find a friend more like myself, or at least someone easier to get together with. The following event that happened last week made me missing having someone to hang out with other than the above and family.

 

My Christian friend use to live next door with my neighbor (Who I am friends with) and another female renter (who I have played board games with).

 

These 3 women lived together for a year and a half so are very close, they are also all single and Christian. But they haven't been living together for over a year - so had a room-mate reunion. I just happened to be outside when they all gathered and could hear them having a good time. I understood why i wasn't included - but I still felt excluded.

[butterflymommy]

I've fallen into an unhealthy friendship too, I never knew friendships could involve as much drama as romance:glare:. I found myself turning my life upside down for this person yet she always positioned herself as the martyr and giver in the relationship to the point that I started to believe it. She was relentlessly critical of me (without seeming to realize she was being so) & said a truly cruel thing to me when I was pregnant with my 7th (I lost the baby but conceived again, she is now 6 months old) and it was at that point that I realized I needed to cut ties somehow.

 

I share the same concern as the OP, that my adult contact is so limited that if I cut off this friend I will associate with no adults other than my husband and on occasion my parents. This friend is also much older than me and a recluse herself so I would be condemning her to a life of almost total isolation if I let her go.

 

What I did instead was distance myself and decrease our contact significantly. To the OP it sounds like you need to stop caring for their pets. You can distance yourself without cutting ties completely.

 

This "friendship" of mine has caused me so much heartache I don't even know where to begin. :glare: But I hang in there because I can't see many other alternatives beyond the distancing... I feel like I made a commitment to this person so am in it for the long haul.

 

:grouphug:

[jennsmile]

:grouphug:

 

I have one really close friend. I would be lost without her. I wish she lived closer. When we do talk we can talk for hours. Can't wait to see her later this summer.

 

I have lots of friends, people I know but only one that I share all the TMI stuff.

[WTMCassandra]

I think I probably come unstuck because I have kind of had to learn the social stuff rather than feel it naturally. I would love a proper close female friend (this was what I thought I had found in the people I wrote about) but it does always seem to go wrong, maybe I am a terrible judge of character. I guess I need to embrace my solitude and talk to the cat.

 

I think there are only two possible things wrong with you: 1) This is a "taker" from your previous overfunctioning style that you haven't shaken off yet and 2) You might have or have had a broken chooser.

 

The only thing I would recommend is that you consider whether you might have a broken chooser. If so, why do you choose takers? Do you think you are worthy of being liked only if you are useful to someone?

 

I am saying that with a great deal of compassion and no snark whatsoever. I have a tendency to overfunction and attract "takers" too. I have been doing better the last few years.

 

But for now, sure, talk to the cat if that helps. :lol: Who knows, perhaps you might meet up with another introvert because of this post?

[Mommyfaithe]

man...I wish you lived closer...we could like sit in the same general vicinity and glance over once in awhile...and you know...do our own thing

 

:D

 

Actually sounds like heaven!

[fraidycat]

I am in extrovert...with no Friends. Apparently, I am a doormat extrovert. Useful for those in need, forgotten when life is good. I have several acquaintances that I have mistakenly considered friends at some point in time.

 

Actually, I do have two friends back home that I consider REAL friends, but I live 2000 miles away from them, so I don't get to socialize with them much :001_smile:. These two are the only two of my "large circle of friends" who've ever made the effort to contact me in the 10 years since I've lived away from "home". I used to call all my "friends" for birthdays, holidays, to let them know I was coming to town/was in town, etc. The effort was never returned. Apparently their phones only receive calls, not make them. As the years go by, I realize more and more that when I go home for a visit, these are the only two that I need to make an effort to see. I've made so many efforts to see "everyone" when we're in town visiting, yet I don't ever get a phone call, text, or even an email from them when I'm not there.

 

I am very grateful for those two, though. I'd give them the shirt off my back if they needed it and they are on the list of "people to spoil if I ever win the lottery." :coolgleamA: Of course, I'd have to play the lottery to win it, but ya know...some day I'll find a winning lottery ticket in my wallet courtesy divine intervention or something. LOL

[TranquilMind]

This is kind of a vent, gotta get it out of my head post and is quite pathetic really.

 

I am bad at the friendship thing, always have been. I am a total introvert but I usually have 1 or 2 close friends that I see separately on a one to one basis. I realised last year I tend to fall in to very unbalanced friendships, I do a lot for the friend and they rarely reciprocate if ever.

 

Anyway, I currently have a friendship with a couple who I have fallen into this unbalanced pattern with. I have known the wife for about 3 years and her husband for a bit less time. I have really tried to be there for her and her family, particularly over the last year. It has been a really stressful time for them, job loss, new baby etc... I've done all the things you are supposed to do, meals, looked after their eldest, helped with moving, general life stuff, helped with their near weekly disasters, lent them tools and equipment to save them money and been looking after 3 of their pets that needed rehoming for over a year.

 

This last weekend they have done something that has shown me how little respect they they really have for me. I am not going to go into details but it has outlined how little they care about me on so many levels. That added to the fact I have been looking after their animals for such a long time with very little help for food costs or even interest in their pets is making me wonder why I bother with such a one sided relationship. There are a ton of other little things that aren't enough to tip the apple cart but I am so hurt by them this last weekend I can't even bring myself to talk to them properly about it at the moment. It's still too raw to speak to them about it. However I did speak briefly to them on Sunday right just as I realised what had happened and decided to end the conversation.

 

They have left me messages and texts apologising but I am not sure they know what they are apologising for.

 

Even though I feel so upset part of me thinks I should just accept their apology and keep the small number of friends I have because that is the only sort of friendship I get. I know it's not a good way to live but I am seriously at risk of having no adult contact outside my husband and mother. I am just fed up of feeling used. I also feel like a total loser who should stop letting herself get taken advantage of.

You really kept THREE pets for over a year? Wow! I tend to give more than I get in relationships, sometimes, but goodness...I've never done that.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'd be your friend if you lived close and would do things for you too!

[TranquilMind]

:grouphug:

 

FWIW, I'm an introvert, but am dying to have a friend. The older I get, the more I realize that I would love to have a couple of close friends and I have none. There are "potential" friends around, but none who seem to be interested in actually developing a friendship. I'm sure it's just because I'm weird or awkward or otherwise invisible.

 

But I am very sorry for your friendship troubles. "Better to have loved and lost" is a most painfully ridiculous sentiment.

No, you are not weird. Sometimes it just seems like too much effort, and I think we think the next friend will be just as judgmental and unforgiving as the previous one and shy off.

 

It's sad.

[JudoMom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kathy_overman]

 

 

Friendships suck the life out of me.

 

:iagree:

 

and I want to join the 'let's glance and nod hello' party. That is all I need most days!

[lailasmum]

I think there are only two possible things wrong with you: 1) This is a "taker" from your previous overfunctioning style that you haven't shaken off yet and 2) You might have or have had a broken chooser.

 

The only thing I would recommend is that you consider whether you might have a broken chooser. If so, why do you choose takers? Do you think you are worthy of being liked only if you are useful to someone?

 

I am saying that with a great deal of compassion and no snark whatsoever. I have a tendency to overfunction and attract "takers" too. I have been doing better the last few years.

 

 

Not quite sure, I have got a pattern but it doesn't seem obvious until after things go sour or the friendship drifts apart and it's always hard to tell if new people I meet are going to turn out needy. I am a planner and organiser and tend to be the one sorting out everyones problems so I probably do attract takers and maybe I am a bit broken as I suffered years of bullying. I think I will just keep aquaintances casual until I can figure out what is going on with my choice of friends. There is definitely an element of needing to be valued but I don't choose these people intentionally, we mostly begin friendships because of our kids.

Edited March 28, 2012 by lailasmum

[lailasmum]

Yes! Cats are great like that. Dh always knows it's been a rough day if her finds me on the bed with the cat. Sometimes the cat is the only one who understands......

 

see how my kitty just waits for me to need her.......

 

I went out to investigate a funny noise in the garden earlier, found the cat playing on the climbing frame! He loves the slide. The noise was his claws against the equipment.

 

 

What I did instead was distance myself and decrease our contact significantly. To the OP it sounds like you need to stop caring for their pets. You can distance yourself without cutting ties completely.

 

:grouphug:

 

Managed to get rid of the pets, they are going on friday to a new home. Hopefully it can mark a seperation from them and I can think it through.

Edited March 28, 2012 by lailasmum

[lailasmum]

Thanks everyone. :grouphug: back to you all as you seem to have gone through the same thing at one stage or another.

[Alicia64]

I know this sounds odd, but I find myself sometimes wondering what the definition of "friend" is. I often feel like I'm not doing something "right."

 

I loved my cats too. I miss having a cat very much.

 

And dh is definitely my best friend.

 

You know what my worry is? Being a lot older and the kids are grown and dh is possibly passed. . . and I'm totally alone. For that reason, I think maintaining friendships is important, but I'm many years from that.

 

Alley

[Julie Smith]

You know what my worry is? Being a lot older and the kids are grown and dh is possibly passed. . . and I'm totally alone. For that reason, I think maintaining friendships is important, but I'm many years from that.

 

Alley

 

S/O from the original topic

 

Many of my older relatives have picked to volunteer with seniors, because they know is about 10 years they might be in that seniors group. That way they get to know various people and activities available. One or two have even started a seniors activity because once a "thing" is started it usually keeps going. This way they are insuring that when they are old the activities they want will be around.

 

(My aunt started senior swim - Someone else in my family started a seniors board game night)

[ssavings]

I have DH.... That's it. I would like a female friend, but simultaneously find the idea exhausting.

[Mommamia]

:grouphug:

 

FWIW, I'm an introvert, but am dying to have a friend. The older I get, the more I realize that I would love to have a couple of close friends and I have none. There are "potential" friends around, but none who seem to be interested in actually developing a friendship. I'm sure it's just because I'm weird or awkward or otherwise invisible.

 

 

:grouphug: It made me sad that you think you are "invisible" or "weird". You are not invisible here....I see you:seeya:

[Mommy22alyns]

Sorry. :grouphug: I suck at it too. I thought I'd found a friend a couple of years ago, but she inexplicably dropped me like a hot potato. She won't even make eye contact when we cross paths at the co-op. :confused:

[Denisemomof4]

I think it would be good for you to stop trying so hard by doing for people. If you honestly look at the situation, do you think maybe you do so much for your friends to earn their approval?

 

Your keeping these people's pets for so long, while YOU pay for the food...... They took advantage of you.

 

I think you need to have friends like you for being you and not by doing for them. If you can learn to do this, you won't be in the giver's role and they won't get the opportunity to be in the taker's role. You deserve more than that!!!:grouphug:

[Cassy]

:grouphug: to Lailasmum, and to all the other introverts who find relationships frustrating. I've been there too. I'm still there now to a large extent, but as I've got older I've become more accepting of the situation and of myself. I like people, I enjoy people, but I'll never again allow anyone to use me, to sneer at me, to hurt me. When my boys have grown up and flown the nest, I'm sure I'll seek out company again, but for now there are just many more satisfying ways of passing my time than getting involved with crazy people and all their issues and drama. And I'll always have my dog :001_smile:, and maybe I'll get a cat or two as well :tongue_smilie:. I hear there's a lovely woman down in Devon who has a few spare animals that need rehoming :D.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[jennynd]

I am introvert. I never really care to establish a friendship. It is just too much work too much drama.

I much rather just have a peaceful afternoon read a book, do some yard work, I was like like since I was young.

[catz]

I wonder the same thing. I know some people call anyone they have any sort of contact with a friend. It takes me a long time to call someone a friend. I talk to a group of women every week (for well over a year). I still hesitate to call them friends.

 

I can totally relate to this. There are groups of adults that I see on a regular basis, particularly at homeschool stuff. But they still typically feel like acquaintances. The 2 moms I talk to the most, live just blocks away, and homeschool are both super introverted and not really interested in anything but getting the kids together. I get the feeling they'd be happier if the kids were just together. In another group, some of the moms are really close and get together all the time but I've never been invited? I'm not a great organizer either because I've been burned one too many times.

 

I'm really balanced - introvert/extrovert. Right now I'm craving more adult interaction, but I don't know where it's going to come from! I used to have a friend that homeschooled and we'd facebook back and forth a few times a day. That was really fun and a nice little outlet. Her kids returned to school and she returned to work and she completely lost interest in keeping in contact. She'll send me an e-mail asking to get together and I'll set something up and she'll completely drop the ball.

[lailasmum]

:grouphug: to Lailasmum, and to all the other introverts who find relationships frustrating. I've been there too. I'm still there now to a large extent, but as I've got older I've become more accepting of the situation and of myself. I like people, I enjoy people, but I'll never again allow anyone to use me, to sneer at me, to hurt me. When my boys have grown up and flown the nest, I'm sure I'll seek out company again, but for now there are just many more satisfying ways of passing my time than getting involved with crazy people and all their issues and drama. And I'll always have my dog :001_smile:, and maybe I'll get a cat or two as well :tongue_smilie:. I hear there's a lovely woman down in Devon who has a few spare animals that need rehoming :D.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

:D Cats are the introverts best friend. We are finally getting rid of their animals on friday and a day later adding to our own (a pair of bearded dragons) so the numbers won't decrease much but at least it was our choice. Must try hard to not run a shelter for other people's animals in the future or I will end up with every square inch of my home crammed with bunnies and chickens and fish and things. Though I guess I will have plenty of company.

[shanvan]

I wonder the same thing. I know some people call anyone they have any sort of contact with a friend. It takes me a long time to call someone a friend. I talk to a group of women every week (for well over a year). I still hesitate to call them friends.

 

Sometimes I think facebook, twitter and such have made people forget what the word friend really means.

 

I had to have a talk with ds after he told his doctor he has no friends. I had to explain that what she really meant was does he have acquaintances. He doesn't consider kids he plays with and talks to superficially friends. But, I don't need his doctor thinking he has no social outlets and perpetuating a homeschool stereotype. Ds just doesn't have anyone in his life he would consider meets the requirements of friend. He has kids he likes to be around, but none that he clicks with especially well.

 

Like several posters here, I have some women I am friendly with on a somewhat weekly basis b/c of shared interests, but they are not friends. I have a couple of true friends who I can talk to about almost anything (though as I've aged, and with experience, I've become more guarded). The true friends I have I don't see or talk to often b/c they are very busy raising their kids like I am. My best friend, next to my husband, is an 88 year old man I've known since I was 16. He's really like a father to me, and none of my women friends even come close to being as good a friend as he is.

 

I think it's important to talk within your family about what your definition of a friend is, otherwise you end up with friend-like expectations from a person who is really just an acquaintance. Hope I'm making sense. I guess what I mean is you don't bare your soul to someone who just wants to go do fun things with you. And you don't ask that person to help bear your burdens. And you don't put yourself out for someone repeatedly when you know that that person will not reciprocate ever--not that you should always expect to get something back for everything you do--just that you don't want to be exhausting yourself for someone who thinks of you as a doormat more than a friend.

 

I think I'll stop now...I think I'm starting to talk in circles. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to find friends.:lol:

[shanvan]

You might try community groups where women join, such as knitting club, dinner club, etc. Around here they are library and church based.

 

Most of the people I meet that I like talking to are from past work experiences or hiking club...many live too far away to get together frequently, but when we do get together it's like old home week.

 

Yes, you can try these types of things and you will make some acquaintances who may turn into good friends somewhere down the line. Or, you may just end up with more acquaintances.

 

Good friendships as described by the OP are hard to find and take time to develop. I didn't get the impression that the OP is just looking for people to have fun with (though that's necessary too). It seemed more like she wanted a deep, meaningful friendship with a give and take where to some extent you can help one another out with a somewhat equal give and take. OP, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I also think it's harder for people today to keep up with, or even develop new friendships, considering how little free time many people have.

[shanvan]

One doesn't dive into a good friendship. The relationship has to start as acquaintances, then be nurtured and allowed to bloom. I suggested starting with community groups as these are essentially meetups. They aren't random 'fun groups' akin to a child's playgroup. Maybe something will develop, maybe something won't, but you have to put yourself out there.

 

Personally, I find most people my age are so busy with work and eldercare issues that they're lucky to have any time for their own family relationships.

 

Whoops! I wasn't really disagreeing with you. Actually, I agree with everything you posted. I suppose I choose my words wrong. What I mean is that you have to decide if you have the time and energy to devote to groups especially if you may just end up with more acquaintances....and I'm thinking that the chances for that are high, considering the bolded above. And I agree that good friendships take a lot of time and effort. That's actually what I was saying.

 

Also, that you can't go into community and group activities with the idea that you will find deep friendships b/c you may be disappointed. And, you can't expect people you don't know well to fufill the role of a commited friend. So, yes, join the groups, if you have time, and maybe you will find a friendship or two, but be careful not to force friendships on people who can't fufill your expectations, and keep your expectations realistic.

 

My own experience has been that I meet some people I enjoy being around through community groups, but often not people who turn into close personal friends, even if I do enjoy talking with them and doing things with them. But, there is something to be said for meeting up with people and enjoying some laughs and lighthearted conversation--even if that is all the group experience provides. If you do develop a great friendship with someone you meet there, even better, but you cannot go to those types of groups expecting that is what will happen.

[LMA]

One doesn't dive into a good friendship. The relationship has to start as acquaintances, then be nurtured and allowed to bloom. I suggested starting with community groups as these are essentially meetups. They aren't random 'fun groups' akin to a child's playgroup. Maybe something will develop, maybe something won't, but you have to put yourself out there.

 

Personally, I find most people my age are so busy with work and eldercare issues that they're lucky to have any time for their own family relationships.

 

:iagree: I joined an embroidery group and one of the ladies is one of my closest friends now. She is a lot older than I, but that doesn't matter. I think one of the things that many of my peers think is that friends have to be the same age. If you let go of that thought, you will see other opportunities to make real friends. My friends are all of ages. I encourage my children to enjoy other children of other ages also.

[Susan in TN]

No, you are not weird. Sometimes it just seems like too much effort, and I think we think the next friend will be just as judgmental and unforgiving as the previous one and shy off.

 

It's sad.

 

I think I must be at least a little weird :)

 

:grouphug: It made me sad that you think you are "invisible" or "weird". You are not invisible here....I see you:seeya:

 

:grouphug: Thank you.

 

Susan, What part of TN are you in? I'm in TN, too, and have a really hard time developing friendships. I feel weird and awkward, too. I meet lots of people but it never develops into anything. I'm a little shy, and I think I really don't know how to make friends. It seems to be one of those life skills that I never learned.

 

:grouphug: to everyone posting.

 

I'm just south of Nashville...and this next post really spoke to me...

 

One doesn't dive into a good friendship. The relationship has to start as acquaintances, then be nurtured and allowed to bloom. I suggested starting with community groups as these are essentially meetups. They aren't random 'fun groups' akin to a child's playgroup. Maybe something will develop, maybe something won't, but you have to put yourself out there.

 

Personally, I find most people my age are so busy with work and eldercare issues that they're lucky to have any time for their own family relationships.

 

Yes :iagree:. And I'm guilty of being busy myself. And there are times when I make attempts to get together with others and it just doesn't pan out. A lot of the time I'm not so bothered by my lack of relationships, but there are times, especially around the holidays, when it becomes particularly painful because I see so many other people and their families nurturing these relationships.

[WTMCassandra]

Not quite sure, I have got a pattern but it doesn't seem obvious until after things go sour or the friendship drifts apart and it's always hard to tell if new people I meet are going to turn out needy. I am a planner and organiser and tend to be the one sorting out everyones problems so I probably do attract takers and maybe I am a bit broken as I suffered years of bullying. I think I will just keep aquaintances casual until I can figure out what is going on with my choice of friends. There is definitely an element of needing to be valued but I don't choose these people intentionally, we mostly begin friendships because of our kids.

 

It sounds like a good idea to me to keep acquaintances casual while you evaluate. :grouphug: Here's hoping you (and I!) can shake off the tendency to attract takers.

[lailasmum]

Good friendships as described by the OP are hard to find and take time to develop. I didn't get the impression that the OP is just looking for people to have fun with (though that's necessary too). It seemed more like she wanted a deep, meaningful friendship with a give and take where to some extent you can help one another out with a somewhat equal give and take. OP, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

 

You are right, that is pretty much it. It would be great to have the balance of someone really caring back. Not even equal all the time as that is often unrealistic but at least reciprocated over a period of months.

[lailasmum]

You might try community groups where women join, such as knitting club, dinner club, etc. Around here they are library and church based.

 

Most of the people I meet that I like talking to are from past work experiences or hiking club...many live too far away to get together frequently, but when we do get together it's like old home week.

 

Good idea, I may actually try the ramblers. We are in a rural fairly low income area so good clubs are thin on the ground but I will look again. When I was a teen there was a brilliant night school in town that had tons of activities, sadly it shut down a few years ago. I think I will stop thinking about friends and just find some alternative activities to fill my limited spare time and see what comes of it.

 

Thanks for the suggestion

[Jenny in GA]

I don't think I'm an introvert, really... maybe I'm just not a friendly person? :lol:

But I totally know where you are coming from. For me, there is a lot of just not having a lot of things in common with other people. I went to a moms group for years, and sometimes I really felt like I belonged, and had great friends, etc, but other times not so much. And considering the fact that, since leaving, I don't really talk to any of the other moms group members for any significant amount of time (aside from a fellow hs mom :) ) I think it was usually the latter. :)

I'm one who feels alone in a crowd of people. A lot of the time. I have plenty of acquaintances and surface 'friendships' with people I enjoy, but not much of a deeper sort. My best friend is my SIL, and occasionally even she and I get a little sick of each other. :lol: Other than her I have one pretty good friend - other than that, however...

DH is an introvert. He likes to just stay at home. ;) So I think he's rubbing off on me a little, maybe.

 

:iagree:

 

This is very much like me -- except I'm not even really friends with my SIL.

And husband is ... kind of anti-social (although not rude or difficult or anything), and I started realizing a few years ago that my friend situation would probably be at least slightly different had I married a different type of person. We do not have ANY "couple friends."

 

I would say I have two friends at the moment, and I would guess at least one of them, if she were asked, "Who are your best friends?" would probably list 2-3 people before me. The other one, I just rarely see anymore, due to schedules and life circumstances.

 

I wish it were different. But some years ago I sort of realized that this was my lot in life and it would probably never change significantly. That realization has helped eased the pain and stress of it somewhat.

[ocelotmom]

We've lived here a year and a half and I have one person I'd consider a friend, and she lives half an hour away so we rarely see eachother. I get along well with most of the people I work with, but we aren't friends outside of work.

 

It's not a huge deal to me personally. I know that it's taken me ages to make real friends anywhere else I've moved, and I do have DH. I mainly worry about it for the kids' sake (the big-S word, which we are kind of lacking in).

[Bluegoat]

Developing a new, deep friendship involves time. It isn't just about being supportive to the other person, it s about really getting to know them, and that just takes time, time, time. Usually on a regular basis. I think that is why people often make close friends in places like school or living in university residences or when they live with roommates.

 

A lot of people past that age don't get the opportunity for that though. We don't meet up every day by chance in the community, because our communities are not made for that, civic groups are not all that active any more, and we keep ourselves pretty busy.