flopsymopsy Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 HELP! My second born ds has a severe jealousy issue and I am at a loss. He has always been a hard child:(. He is jealous over everything, especially when it comes to his younger sister. She got something in Sunday School last week and she put it up in her bunk bed for safe keeping(it was plastic eggs and she was suppose to open one a day until Easter). She went to bed last night and all the eggs were opened and contents were gone. She was very upset about it. No, I did not catch him in the act but I KNOW he did it. This type of thing has been going on for awhile. Anything she has(candy, book, toy, art project) that she cherishes, he will destroy when nobody is looking. I rarely catch him in the act and he DENIES, DENIES, DENIES anything and everything even when he IS caught in the act. Any suggestions on how to get through to him? This child is the most demanding out of our 4 and he already takes of the majority of our time compared to the other children. We do from time to time get caught in the circle of negativity with him but we try to make an effort to point out the positive behaviors and focus more on those. But I am tired and feel bad that my other children suffer at his hands....continually. I am tired.........Even when he is on the receiving end of something special......its not enough for him....always throws in a comment of why it wasn't up to par or what he really wanted was something else...etc......We do co-op and in classes, he feels this need to always point out the BEST of something in class(usually his) and point out the worst(someone elses). He has not regard for others feelings, only his own:(. I really want him to change(there I said it)......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 sounds like middle child syndrome. Mine had this same issue. Not as "good at everything" as big sis, not as cute as little sis and baby brother. I got her into gymnastics. An activity that nobody has ever done before and that she was REALLY good at. It made a huge difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Many may not like this... but.... Well - first, how old is he? If he's over the age of, say, 7, I would start a zero tolerance policy. Don't ask him if he did something. If you know he's done it, just punish him. Do not yell, do not talk to him (other than to tell him what you are punishing him for), give him no extra attention for his behavior - he goes to his room, sits on his bed, and stays there (for however long). I would take away everything he has in his room except his bed and clothes. He can earn back his own belongings by being grateful for them, and lose them again by being mean and jealous. He must make restitution for anything he damages or takes (i.e. - whatever was in those eggs, he has to do more chores to earn money to replace it). When he acts superior in co-op classes, either you or the teacher need to tell him in front of the class that it is inappropriate and that he has to sit in the corner for (pick an amount of time). In between - act as if nothing is wrong. Once he has completed whatever punishment he earned - each individual incident is over and done. They do not accumulate (other than the money he might owe for belongings destroyed). :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Many may not like this... but....Well - first, how old is he? If he's over the age of, say, 7, I would start a zero tolerance policy. Don't ask him if he did something. If you know he's done it, just punish him. Do not yell, do not talk to him (other than to tell him what you are punishing him for), give him no extra attention for his behavior - he goes to his room, sits on his bed, and stays there (for however long). I would take away everything he has in his room except his bed and clothes. He can earn back his own belongings by being grateful for them, and lose them again by being mean and jealous. He must make restitution for anything he damages or takes (i.e. - whatever was in those eggs, he has to do more chores to earn money to replace it). When he acts superior in co-op classes, either you or the teacher need to tell him in front of the class that it is inappropriate and that he has to sit in the corner for (pick an amount of time). In between - act as if nothing is wrong. Once he has completed whatever punishment he earned - each individual incident is over and done. They do not accumulate (other than the money he might owe for belongings destroyed). :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 There is a personality type where its just hard for them to empathize with others. Sometimes this type of personality also has a very strong inner life, by which I mean that others approval and direction is not easily accepted by them. Anyway, it is important to be extremely direct with these children. It is important to outline what their behavior earns them in terms of what people think of them and how they will react to them because of their behavior. Tell them how the people they do this to will respond. Tell them how you will respond. It is important to help them learn to deal with their anger and disappointment. They really need tools for this. It is also important to be extremely consistent with them. Do not let anything pass. Be impenetrably calm. Do not yell. Do not say more then you need to. What this personality needs most is instruction...how to deal with the feelings inside...how to understand the social consequences of his actions...all this and time to mature. I have one of these children. He's the oldest. Its his nature. We also have a peaceful house...now. He's 13. But I had to redirect him for years. We had to 'rewind' his speech and redirect his bullying for years. I remember wondering if I would survive him. Generally he needed more positive attention, more responsibility, direct discussion about what his actions mean to him, and time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starwarsmomma Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 we've done the zero tolerance thing with our 2nd child too. It helps. My 2nd has a soft spot for animals-- so I remind him that he has moments where he treats his own brothers worse than the dog. Which is frequently true. But if I and my husband have the attitude that treating a sibling badly is a NO TOLERANCE OFFENSE (for all kids, not just kid #2), that the kids will accept it as family law. Yes, it will be broken from time to time, but overall the kids will accept it. (but hubby and I have to keep the no tolerance, immediate punishment policy going allll the time.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2att Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 There is a personality type where its just hard for them to empathize with others. Sometimes this type of personality also has a very strong inner life, by which I mean that others approval and direction is not easily accepted by them. Anyway, it is important to be extremely direct with these children. It is important to outline what their behavior earns them in terms of what people think of them and how they will react to them because of their behavior. Tell them how the people they do this to will respond. Tell them how you will respond. It is important to help them learn to deal with their anger and disappointment. They really need tools for this. It is also important to be extremely consistent with them. Do not let anything pass. Be impenetrably calm. Do not yell. Do not say more then you need to. What this personality needs most is instruction...how to deal with the feelings inside...how to understand the social consequences of his actions...all this and time to mature. I have one of these children. He's the oldest. Its his nature. We also have a peaceful house...now. He's 13. But I had to redirect him for years. We had to 'rewind' his speech and redirect his bullying for years. I remember wondering if I would survive him. Generally he needed more positive attention, more responsibility, direct discussion about what his actions mean to him, and time. :iagree: This describes my middle child to a T. He is 11 now and still tends toward negativity and jealousy, but it is sooooo much better than when he was younger. It is definitely something that has required a lot of patience and a lot of training. He has taught me more than my other two combined about things like personality and temperment, though, and given me a better understanding of how other people operate. So though he's been a lot of work (and likely will continue to be so), he's made me a better person. He's also a really neat kid. :) But I agree with the above poster--I wasn't sure I would survive him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I don't know if this would work, I'm not there to see or feel or know. He sounds like he's pretty adept at the far end of the denial spectrum "I didn't do it" but at the same time, he's saying in other situations, like the co-op.."Look at what I did!" He sounds like (and granted, you've given us four lines of a complete child and life..) a director who likes control of ALL things (even those things which are NOT his.) What would happen if you gave this child responsibility in that area? That is to say, put in IN control of things which aren't his and make it so that he has to GIVE away those choices also? Like a little sheriff, a protector of all. Is he very protective in any areas of life for others? This might be a personality trait you could develop along the lines of leadership even though things are a little bumpy right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flopsymopsy Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 Thank you for all the input. Many of you a spot on with him and how we handle him. He had everything stripped from him in November(karate, scouts, electronics, any other extra activities) because of his behavior. On co-op days, each teacher fills out a daily report and IF he gets ALL good marks from every teacher then he earns 1 hour of electronics that evening. Things were rough when we first did this and then improved. Now we are seeing a decline in behavior again which is extremely frustrating. He does have the personality that craves hard manual labor and likes to take charge of projects, which I know can be a very positive thing. But stomping on everyone in the process is what I feeling like I can not take anymore(and this morning I ended up yelling at him for his ridiculous demanding behavior:sad:). He demands control(notice I did not say we give in to this) and its exhausting because I am constantly dealing with these issues with him. We have been in counseling with him and the counselor believes his behaviors are due to anxiety. We have worked on tools for him to use to deal with these behaviors but it would probably be a good idea to go over those options again with him. We have come far from where we were a year ago so I am thankful for that. I guess I just needed a day of whining. Now to regroup and carry on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Sounds like my middle boy too but I could also see older brother being sneaky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 It really helped when my son had *more* control and responsibility. Honestly, punishments had very little effect on him. I'm not saying to give him control of anything you think is unhelpful, especially if he can't handle that control by respecting others. I'm saying create some areas (which don't effect his siblings) where he has control, perhaps even total control. Then show him you admire or respect his ability to handle it. This personality is desperate for respect (even though they don't understand respecting others), for proving themselves. *making dinner *being 'in charge' of something (video game stuff, athletic equipment, putting books away, a garden, putting tools away) *special projects with dad *running errands with mom Create special privileges that go along with the work of this role. Staying up a little later. A special snack. Choosing food or seating at the table. Once you give them a role to work out some of that need, then its easier to teach them empathy. In fact, empathy can come out of them wanting greater control over themselves. This can be a difficult personality type to raise, but once you help them grow and learn they are great to live with. Really internally motivated. Generous, almost to a fault. It must be really hard to be someone that needs to control, be respected, and give to people when you're small and no one expects or truly wants anything other than blind obedience (something very hard for this personality type) from you. I wish you well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flopsymopsy Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Thank you for your input. You gave me some very good suggestions for areas in which he can have control over. :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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