Gaining Respect Back from your child

[vlgimmelli]

Help! How do you get or how can you get the respect back from your 12 year old child? Is there something that I need to do or can do to get my son to respect his mom and dad again?:confused:

[Mom-ninja.]

Explain what you mean by respect. How is he being disrespectful? What are your expectations? Does he know them?

[Teachin'Mine]

No respect = no privileges. IOW instead of worrying about winning back his respect, let him worry about how to go about winning back his privileges and perks.

[KrissiK]

How did you lose it to begin with? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but, seriously. That may be the place to begin by getting it back.

[redsquirrel]

What does 'respect' mean? Obedience? Not questioning you? A relationship of give and take? Obeying your personal boundaries? Obeying agreed upon house rules? Not hitting siblings? Not stealing? Not verbally abusing people? There is a lot of room for interpretation in that word, and different people feel respected in different ways.

 

Respect is an emotion. I am not sure there is a way to make someone feel something. But you are not feeling and you want to. What would it feel like to you if he respected you? How would you like him to show respect?

[vlgimmelli]

Well, He is always talking back to his parents (us), his mom and dad. He also when asked to do something will do it in his timing. Just doesn't respond well when told something or spoken to. If there arises a situation and we take away privileges, like the computer, he freaks out and calls us mean.

[Sugar Plum]

In my experience, respect begets respect. If you intentionally create a culture of respect in your home, your children are likely to be respectful. Talk about respect--what is it? What does it look like in practical terms? Treat your children with respect--parents often forget that respect is a two-way street. Respect is different from obedience. Obedience can be compelled, but respect cannot. In my experience, it is easier to allow respectful behavior to arise organically from feelings of respect than demand respectful behavior from a person who does not respect you. In our family, the keys to respect have been trust, fairness, and communication, along with an understanding of *kinds* of respect (for authority, for basic humanity, born from long experience with a person, etc.)

[vlgimmelli]

Thanks. And Very true. Unfortunately, I do at times yell at my son when he doesn't listen or talks back and then take a privilege away, he then screams and in my frustration I yell also, which I hate doing and want to stop. Any good books out there on how to stop yelling? Thanks again for the advice.

[Sugar Plum]

Thanks. And Very true. Unfortunately, I do at times yell at my son when he doesn't listen or talks back and then take a privilege away, he then screams and in my frustration I yell also, which I hate doing and want to stop. Any good books out there on how to stop yelling? Thanks again for the advice.

 

I'd by lying if I said I never yelled, or that my kids are always perfectly respectful. :) I don't know of any books about yelling. For us, it has just been a commitment to hear each other out in a calm way, accept feelings from others we don't necessarily agree with, and having a explicit understanding that people in our home want the best for one another. Sometimes this means, in practical terms, a little voice inside me that says "do not yell. Do not yell. Do not yell." (I am actually talking this through with my 13 y/o as I type, and he says he can tell when this voice is talking to me. :D)

 

I am known to enjoy more hot baths and therapeutic red wine with chocolate than average when I am a successful non-yeller. ;)

[Sophia]

Well, He is always talking back to his parents (us), his mom and dad. He also when asked to do something will do it in his timing. Just doesn't respond well when told something or spoken to. If there arises a situation and we take away privileges, like the computer, he freaks out and calls us mean.

 

You can speak with the utmost respect and love to a 12 y.o. child and still get an immature response, because...well, they're 12.

 

Obviously, they are all different, but I've lived through three 12 y.o.'s so far, and I know this is supposed to be the logic stage, but ime, they're not so logical, :tongue_smilie: especially, when they are being held accountable for their actions.

In our home, our older teens have told us how much they respect us now for holding them to a high standard of behavior.

 

:grouphug: My first 12 y.o. had me on my knees in prayer all.the.time.

Dh and I worked hard at tying heartstrings; dh and ds took many father/son trips together and we emphasized how much we loved him and wanted the best for him, and because of that, would diligently enforce rules meant to strengthen his character. How he chose to respond was up to him.

[vlgimmelli]

Thanks so much Sofia for your post it was very uplifting and encouraging. Thanks

[Danestress]

It's easy to take things personally. Try not to. Your son might respect you a lot, and is still capable of talking back and "freaking out." I sort of picture their brains as just being flooded with impulses they can't sort through. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate rudeness and back talk - just try not to think of it as an indictment of the relationship. And when they are freaking out (or just being especially aggravated, touchy, argumentative) that is when you most need to be calm and float above it. Lend him your maturity.

 

All kids are different, but many at this age start to behave in ways that hurt their parents' feelings. They don't feel like talking, they don't unquestioningly accept our opinions, they seem to reject us.

 

It is just part of the parenting thing sometimes. You have to hold the ground on the rules that are essential, give him more and more responsibility for an input into the decisions that affect him, and who that you love and respect him. Do things with him that are fun for both of you - take him out for coffee or lunch, stay up late watching a movie that is too mature for his sister, take him to see a sporting event - try to build new types of good experiences.

 

Some days it's hard to be the parent.

[redsquirrel]

I don't think a 12 year old doesn't respect you when he yells. He is acting like a 12 year old. If he does things 'in his own time' well.. that is just kids growing up.

 

Can you talk to him about when things cannot wait and when they can? It might be perfectly fine to let a request wait until it is convenient, or it might not. But even adults have a hard time knowing which is which if they aren't told. Sometimes it helps to say something like "I know you are in the middle of a movie, but I really need you to empty the dishwasher now because it has to be empty before I can make breakfast." I think many young teens do need some explicit instruction as to why things must be the way they are. They have the ability to question, but not always the ability to place how their actions (or lack of) will cause repercussions for others.

 

And some of the best advice I got was from my own mom. She told me to look at actions and ignore 'sounds emitting from teenagers" :lol: In other words, if your 12 year old is fussing and spatting about cleaning up his room, but he IS picking up his room, then ignore the sounds. All it is going to do is result in a fight...which means he is not picking up his room. If he is doing what you asked (even in the loudest and most difficult way possible) then he respects you.

[Riverland]

look at actions and ignore 'sounds emitting from teenagers"

Great advice!

[Trish]

No respect = no privileges. IOW instead of worrying about winning back his respect' date=' let him worry about how to go about winning back his privileges and perks.[/quote']

 

:iagree:

[vlgimmelli]

Thank you everyone for he wonderful advice. I am glad I am not alone. Sometimes I feel like I am not a good mom maybe that is why he is acting this way towards me, but now I realize that some kids go through this and it is normal and there is a chance that things will get better. Thank you!:001_smile:

[Amy in NH]

In my experience, respect begets respect. If you intentionally create a culture of respect in your home, your children are likely to be respectful. Talk about respect--what is it? What does it look like in practical terms? Treat your children with respect--parents often forget that respect is a two-way street. Respect is different from obedience. Obedience can be compelled, but respect cannot. In my experience, it is easier to allow respectful behavior to arise organically from feelings of respect than demand respectful behavior from a person who does not respect you. In our family, the keys to respect have been trust, fairness, and communication, along with an understanding of *kinds* of respect (for authority, for basic humanity, born from long experience with a person, etc.)

 

:iagree: Just what I was going to say.

[Alyeska]

We came to the realization about 6 months ago that our daughter was disrespectful.

 

We pulled in the reins quickly and without leniency until we gained back some respect. We required her to respond with yes mom or yes dad every.single.time we asked her to do something. We took her phone away and would give it to her only when she had earned it by being respectful. We made her answer to us for things that we previously wouldn't have...such as using her computer time, reading time at night, etc...

 

It was hard. But it didn't take long to see a turn around in her attitude and respect toward us and her brother.

 

We have been able to loosen the reins again, but she is still required to give us a respectful answer of yes mom, yes dad.

 

In our situation, respect did not beget respect. We are respectful towards our kids...but I guess we were also too lenient.

 

Better to get a handle on it now rather than when they are in the teen years and more independent... :grouphug:

[GingerPoppy]

You can speak with the utmost respect and love to a 12 y.o. child and still get an immature response, because...well, they're 12.

 

Obviously, they are all different, but I've lived through three 12 y.o.'s so far, and I know this is supposed to be the logic stage, but ime, they're not so logical, :tongue_smilie: especially, when they are being held accountable for their actions.

In our home, our older teens have told us how much they respect us now for holding them to a high standard of behavior.

 

:grouphug: My first 12 y.o. had me on my knees in prayer all.the.time.

Dh and I worked hard at tying heartstrings; dh and ds took many father/son trips together and we emphasized how much we loved him and wanted the best for him, and because of that, would diligently enforce rules meant to strengthen his character. How he chose to respond was up to him.

Thank you for this great post.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: my first thought was "he's 12". my second thought was that it is always worse if they have too much media time, and not enough outdoor time. when things go off the rails here, we reign in media time for everyone, not just dc, everyone goes outside very day at least once, usually twice, adults included, and we make sure we are spending 15 minutes a night with one adult and one child having one on one time, to do as the child chooses within guidelines (no media). when we do it we each have alone time with a child then the next night we switch. when there were more at home, we'd move on to the next two..... this builds relationship, which makes everything else easier. typically, kids like to bake with me and play games with dh, but sometimes it is something different.....

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

ann

[Gingerbread Mama]

We came to the realization about 6 months ago that our daughter was disrespectful.

 

We pulled in the reins quickly and without leniency until we gained back some respect. We required her to respond with yes mom or yes dad every.single.time we asked her to do something. We took her phone away and would give it to her only when she had earned it by being respectful. We made her answer to us for things that we previously wouldn't have...such as using her computer time, reading time at night, etc...

 

It was hard. But it didn't take long to see a turn around in her attitude and respect toward us and her brother.

 

We have been able to loosen the reins again, but she is still required to give us a respectful answer of yes mom, yes dad.

 

In our situation, respect did not beget respect. We are respectful towards our kids...but I guess we were also too lenient.

 

Better to get a handle on it now rather than when they are in the teen years and more independent... :grouphug:

 

I think it is important to note that sometimes you do everything you can, and your child still isn't respectful. I have a 12 (almost) 13 year old myself, we are really working on this. We have modeled and taught manners/behavior/respect... but he chooses to do things that he knows go against all that. I know that part of it is hormones, some of it is "being a boy", but it doesn't mean I'm going to overlook it.

 

I am doing some of the same things as the PP. We have taken away electronics, he got mad and threw his phone (something he would NEVER do, normally) and broke it - he won't be getting another one, I have really hacked away at what he is allowed to watch on tv. I do see *some* turn around in his attitude, but it is a slow road. I really dislike this age, and I dread seeing it coming on for the younger two.

[LucyStoner]

If you have been having yelling battles, you need to restore calm. You need to demonstrate calm and respectful, firm behavior in the face of his anger and yelling. Once a since of trust and a good example is built, respect is possible. The biggest thing that helps me with my kids is to remember that they are not mini-adults. I need to parent them, not react to them the way I would if an adult treated me in a way an angry child might.

[vlgimmelli]

very Good Katie. Thank you will do!:001_smile:

[Haiku]

Well, He is always talking back to his parents (us), his mom and dad. He also when asked to do something will do it in his timing. Just doesn't respond well when told something or spoken to. If there arises a situation and we take away privileges, like the computer, he freaks out and calls us mean.

 

This doesn't sound like a lack of respect. This sounds like a child growing up and asserting his independence. Were it me, I wouldn't worry about "getting his respect back." I would simply discuss with him his unacceptable behaviors and what the consequences are and then enforce them consistently.

 

My dd-now-17 went through a phase of calling me mean. I deflated her remarks by responding either, "Good. I try," (accompanied by a big smile) or, "If I'm always making you happy, then I'm not doing my job."

 

However, it's also completely acceptable to tell him that he isn't to call you mean anymore, and have him come up with an alternative way of expressing his frustration.

 

If you really need something done right now, tell him, "I need you to unload the dishwasher, please. It needs to be done in the next fifteen minutes." If it's not an immediately necessary task, let him do it on his own time.

 

Tara

Edited March 27, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[Haiku]

ime, they're not so logical, :tongue_smilie: especially, when they are being held accountable for their actions.

 

 

Definitely. My 17 year old STILL has a difficult time being held accountable. It's a maturity thing, and it happens to lots of kids.

 

Tara

[TXMomof4]

I've worried a lot about this. I have a 12 yo girl and almost 11 yo girl. I realized that in many ways we were still parenting like they are 7. I want them to be respectful AND responsible. DD12 is so good at giving the respectful answer and ignoring the actualy request. DD(almost)11 does better with paying attention to the request, but always with snark. It absolutely sends DH over the edge.

 

I've realized that oldest dd needs to know that it's a truly important part of the family for her to do the things we ask. Telling her to empty the dishwasher isn't just a mean mom trying to get out of doing it herself. So, I seldom ask her to do the dishwasher when I'm sitting and playing on the computer. We get together in the kitchen - she empties the dishwasher and I get something else done (because heaven knows there is always something I need to be doing as well). OR she can make the cookies she wants to make after she's shown the responsiblity to finish her chores. I don't have the luxury of cooking in a dirty kitchen - I have to get the work done FIRST, then have the fun. Does that make any sense?

 

For younger dd, I've had to realize that she is naturally a sarcastic person. I am too many times. There's a fine line between funny sarcasm and mean sarcasm. So, we've started giving snark for snark. She doesn't like having it turned on her. When she gives a snooty answer, she gets one in return. Sometimes, she is really funny. Sometimes we can banter back and forth and it's hilarious. Sometimes she starts crying. She's figuring out that sarcasm isn't always appropriate. It really is working. She gets called on her snootiness (if that's a word) and experiences how it feels coming back on her. She's a smart kid - do unto others it not a terribly hard concept. Giving concrete examples of reaping what you sow it valuable - for her.

 

Good luck! I am always exhausted at the end of the day from trying to parent these kids. But they're good kids. Remembering that in the moment of difficulty gets me much closer to giving the compassionate response (when I'm taking away their tablet for a few days) instead of saying - "You asked for it!", KWIM?

[vlgimmelli]

Thanks Tara!