how often is too much?

[Melissa in Australia]

My oldest is living in residency at university over 400 km away. He turned 18 this week. He left 4 weeks ago...

 

 

How often is to often to phone him? I am only ringing him twice a week , and someone very close is telling me that I am being a pest, interfering in his life, and mollycoddling him. It is not my son complaining.

 

 

We talk for 20 minutes max and I stick to talking about what he is studying.

 

I know someone who's child went at the same time as my son, she rings him 3 times a day.

[mumto2]

I don't think that is too much. I have no experience on the parent side. But as someone who went away to college at 17, I wanted to talk to my parents pretty often. I was lucky my big brother called every couple of weeks too. I felt really loved, which was needed because it was a huge adjustment. I wouldn't worry about it at all. I'm sure your son feels really lucky to have you for a mum and is thrilled to be able to share everything that is happening with you.

[Kareni]

Answers will doubtless differ!

 

I don't think calling twice a week and having relatively short calls is too much. On his first holiday home, I would ask him if he is comfortable with the number of your calls.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Tap]

I would just be honest with him. Ask him to let you know what works for him.

 

Ask him to text you if it isn't a good time to talk. You can call and he doesn't have to take the call, just let it go to voice mail. He can text you back instead. That way he doesn't feel guilty, but not hounded either. If you start getting more texts instead of him answering in person, you know you are calling too much.

[Rosie_0801]

If it was too much, I rekon he'd find an excuse to get off the phone long before you made it to 20mins. Perhaps he's looking on the bright side. If you ring, it's your phone bill not his. ;)

 

Rosie

[Lucy in Australia]

I've learned to consider the source when I get this type of advice. Different parents have different relationships with their kids and what one person thinks is too much might be perfectly normal for a close and tight-knit family.

 

In my family, this would not be too much, but I agree with those that said you should just ask him. (How's he going, anyway? I was thinking about you guys these last few weeks when all the unis started :))

[gardenmom5]

If 20 minutes 2x a week works for you *and* your son, it's fine no matter what other people say - they aren't part of the equation so their comments should carry no weight.

[Melissa in Australia]

what if the person telling me it is too much is hypothetically ... DH ?

 

 

Ds has no problem with me calling at all

[MBG]

You are his mother, call when you want.

 

When I was in college, I had a roommate who had her mother call her every morning to wake her up. Her mother served as her alarm clock! She would actually call her mom the night before and tell her what time she had to be up by and then her mom would call at that time. However, there were 3 other people also woken by this system...(we were a room of 4). So we complained and convinced her she had to be a big girl and get up with an alarm clock.

 

So calling to check in and chat 2x a week or so sounds lovely!

[Chris in VA]

Only you can decide.

Maybe a compromise between you and dh would be for you to tell your ds that you will call once a week and let him choose to call you if he feels the need to chat--tell him you are always available to talk with, but you understand if he gets busy, and you understand he may need some "space." Then sit back and see if he calls you more. Then you'll know what he needs, right? Unless you think he wouldn't call because he thinks he's bothering you or that he would "suck up" his feelings and that wouldn't be healthy.

 

See? Only you and your fam know. :D

[FaithManor]

It's different for every family. So, the person giving out unwanted advice is a classic "bean dip" moment...feel free to roll your eyes as well!:D

 

My parents called twice per week for about the same amount of time. I needed it. My program was dehumanizing and grueling, freshman weeder classes were brutal, and I functioned primarily on coffee, granola bars, and apples while averaging only 4 hrs. sleep per night. I needed my dad's voice, "You can do it honey! You waited for this your whole life and you can make it. What can we do to help you?" Of course, there was very little they could do to help (though mom made sure I was stocked up with granola bars and sent money for apples...the staple of diet), but the fact that they cared and voiced it, really helped me keep going.

 

My sister didn't need it so much and they sensed that. They only called once per week for 10 minutes.

 

Faith

[Ellie]

As the mother of daughters, I would be concerned if my dd were dating a young man whose mother called him too often. More than once a week would seem too often.

[pitterpatter]

Does he not have a cell phone? Why wouldn't you call him pretty much like you did before? Why have a set time and length? Why not just call when you get the urge...just like when he was home. Not when you're sad or miss him, but just like normal. :confused:

[scrapbookbuzz]

Twice a week is not too much. And that person who is "close" that says you're "mollycoddling" him can mind their own stinking business! If your son asks you to back off, then perhaps do so. But not until then!

[Joanne]

Is this a running theme in the hypothetical? ;)

 

Honestly, it could be nothing "more" than a classic Dad/Mom perspective. It's common for Mom to want connection and interaction (and security) and for Dad to encourage what looks like independance. And both parents could be right. :)

 

There is not a magic, right answer. Certainly there are extremes that are too little, and too much. 2 times doesn't seem anywhere near either extreme.

 

Maybe the *motive* and agenda behind the calls can be considered? Is the content of the calls "checking in" or do they have a micro-managing element?

 

Finally, if you are paying for college, I believe you have some say/input into life during those years.

[redsquirrel]

He'll let you know if it is too much.

 

And, FWIW, my friends are all complaining about their newly fledged college kids, male and females, calling/texting them 5 and 6 times a DAY. So, twice a week seems tame to me.

[Lucy in Australia]

what if the person telling me it is too much is hypothetically ... DH ?

 

This could hypothetically be my DH :) But he had/has such a distant (for want of a better word) relationship with his own mother that I would point out that we want things to be different with our own kids and us.

[LucyStoner]

If 20 minutes 2x a week works for you *and* your son, it's fine no matter what other people say - they aren't part of the equation so their comments should carry no weight.

 

:iagree:

[LucyStoner]

As the mother of daughters, I would be concerned if my dd were dating a young man whose mother called him too often. More than once a week would seem too often.

 

Why?

[*********]

As the mother of daughters, I would be concerned if my dd were dating a young man whose mother called him too often. More than once a week would seem too often.

 

And as the mother of sons, I'd be concerned if my ds were courting a young lady who was not comfortable with two phone calls a week. ;)

[Garga]

Twice a week sounds good to me. I like the advice about asking your son when he comes home on vacation if it's too much.

 

When I got married at 19, my momma called me about twice a year, so I think the idea of a mom actually calling her kid is a beautiful thing.

[J-rap]

And as the mother of sons, I'd be concerned if my ds were courting a young lady who was not comfortable with two phone calls a week. ;)

 

This. :) Of course, it's different for everyone, and I don't think there is a right or wrong. But, I think two calls/week sounds perfectly acceptable!

 

My first three children lived abroad for their first year after high school. Calling was unfortunately very expensive, so we didn't talk often. However, we emailed each other every other day or so. :)

[AK_Mom4]

I think it's just fine to talk twice a week. If your son starts being "busy" or letting it go to voice mail, then you know you are calling too much.

 

DH generally texts DS20 a couple of times a week. When things are tough at school, DS20 texts more often. When they are REALLY tough, he actually calls home so he can hear a friendly voice. We enjoy his phone calls and we pass the phone around so everyone can chat. But his schedule gets really busy, so we respect that by not calling unless it's an emergency.

 

However DS20 and DD18 text each other multiple times every day, so we generally know he is alive and doing well. If we didn't have that connection going on, I suppose we would text more often.

[NotAVampireLvr]

And as the mother of sons, I'd be concerned if my ds were courting a young lady who was not comfortable with two phone calls a week. ;)

 

 

This.

 

Twice a week is fine IMO. Let him decide if its too much. I just asked DH and he said his parents called once a week and he called them once a week the first year. (he was 17 his Freshman year in college) After that he called them once a week on Sunday evenings.

 

I personally don't see the big deal, especially when so many college students choose to live at home these days.

[Mommyof4ks]

I don't think that is too much, and I am sure he will simply not answer if he is busy or does not want to talk. ;) If that becomes a habit, then it might be a hint, but if he is fine with your calls, then I would not worry about what the other person thinks.

[Lady Florida.]

Once or twice a week is fine IMO, and I'm speaking as someone who's already been there with dss. We usually spoke to him once a week, sometimes two. Any more than twice a week would be too much, unless he initiates the call.

 

 

I think it's just fine to talk twice a week. If your son starts being "busy" or letting it go to voice mail, then you know you are calling too much.

 

 

:iagree:

[QuirkyKapers]

I think it seems fine. I agree with the others, I think he would be busy or not answer if he didn't want to talk. You can check in with him and see if he is ok with it.

[ZooRho]

When My son went off 3 years ago we told him he had to call us first. I think he called us the second day there. but it was a positive call.

 

There were times we would talk every day, others it would be a week or so, sort of depended on what was going on. He'd call me, call his dad, call his brother, I would also call him. again all depended on what was happening at the time.

 

He is now living in the area. I think I've talked to him just about every day.

 

He and i are pretty close. Although we butt heads all the time.

[Lawana]

Is this a running theme in the hypothetical? ;)

 

Honestly, it could be nothing "more" than a classic Dad/Mom perspective. It's common for Mom to want connection and interaction (and security) and for Dad to encourage what looks like independance. And both parents could be right. :)

 

There is not a magic, right answer. Certainly there are extremes that are too little, and too much. 2 times doesn't seem anywhere near either extreme.

 

Maybe the *motive* and agenda behind the calls can be considered? Is the content of the calls "checking in" or do they have a micro-managing element?

 

Finally, if you are paying for college, I believe you have some say/input into life during those years.

:iagree:This. As the mother of a son and daughter, and the stepmother of another son and daughter, long grown and out of the nest, there is much wisdom here. Let mom do her thing, and dad do his. The situation as described by the OP sounds completely within the range of normal and healthy to me.

[AndyJoy]

DH has a friend whose mom called him every night when he was in college to ask him if he did his homework and brushed his teeth. THAT'S too much. I think you're fine.:001_smile:

[Splinter]

If your son doesn't mind, keep doing it. I'm sure some of his friends have their mothers calling multiple times a day, while others probably never get a phone call.

 

When I was in college, I called my mother every Sunday (dad's orders) and occasionally besides that. Twice a week doesn't sound excessive.

[Ellie]

Why?

Because I would be imagining a marriage where the mil was way too involved in what was going on and her ds didn't have the gumption to suggest that she be less involved.

[Melissa in Australia]

Thank you everyone. My son doesn't mind. I call his room, so if he is busy and not in his room I don't bother him.

 

he cannot ring out on that phone ( internal phone) and mobile phones are pretty expensive, so he doesn't really call here (though he has twice).

[Melissa in Australia]

Because I would be imagining a marriage where the mil was way too involved in what was going on and her ds didn't have the gumption to suggest that she be less involved.

 

 

My ds has only left home 4 weeks ago,

5 weeks ago I was speaking to him all day long.

 

I am sure that in a few months... and years I won't be calling him so often.

though my DH does call his mother a minimum of twice a week ( she is in her 90's and lives on the other side of the world.)

[Lawana]

Because I would be imagining a marriage where the mil was way too involved in what was going on and her ds didn't have the gumption to suggest that she be less involved.

So somehow once a week equals everything is just fine and normal, but twice a week means MIL is way(!) too involved. Hmm....

[Joker]

I'm 34 and still talk to my mom at least three times a week. Dh talks to his parents at least once (and usually twice) a week. One of the things I liked about him while dating was that he had such a good relationship with his parents, and that he didn't mind that I had such a close relationship with mine.

 

I think twice a week is fine.

[Joker]

Because I would be imagining a marriage where the mil was way too involved in what was going on and her ds didn't have the gumption to suggest that she be less involved.

 

I talk to my mom several times a week but that doesn't mean she's overly involved. We just chat and touch base. Dh does the same with his parents. The other day, he and his mom chatted for about half an hour about absolutely nothing but there was a lot of laughter. Maybe we're both weird that we're actually friends with our parents now that we're on our own.

[LucyStoner]

Because I would be imagining a marriage where the mil was way too involved in what was going on and her ds didn't have the gumption to suggest that she be less involved.

 

Family is multi-generational for me. We talk to and/or see in person my father daily. We talk to my husband's mom, step-dad and grandmother (who live far away) at least weekly, sometimes more. Similarly, we talk to or see my 2 brothers quite often. Are you suggesting that people who enjoy the company of their parents and/or feel a sense of duty and responsibility to be of company and support of their elders lack gumption? Regular contact with my father (and my mother prior to her death) and with my ILs does not mean that any of them are involved in our marriage or interfering with our lives. It merely means that the immediate household is a not an island on its own but part of a larger, mutually beneficial, community.

[A.Balaban]

I wanted to say I talk to my mother at least 2x a week, if not daily some weeks. I think that that's perfectly normal. Don't worry about it and enjoy the phone conversations with your son. :)

[Briartell]

Just ask him what he prefers. I wish my mom had called me more, but I am a girl.

 

There is one thing you can do though without limitation. Send him packages and little surprises. I was always envious of those who got stuff in the mail. My mailbox was pretty lonely.

[Melissa in Australia]

Just ask him what he prefers. I wish my mom had called me more, but I am a girl.

 

There is one thing you can do though without limitation. Send him packages and little surprises. I was always envious of those who got stuff in the mail. My mailbox was pretty lonely.

 

Hmmm, That is an idea :001_smile:

[Guest submarines]

As the mother of daughters, I would be concerned if my dd were dating a young man whose mother called him too often. More than once a week would seem too often.

 

Does this apply to daughters as well? Just curious.

[Sahamamama]

You are his mother, call him when you want to.

[Melissa in Australia]

You are his mother, call him when you want to.

 

that is the hitch. I have been restricted to 2 days a week max.

Unless my ds calls me and asks me to call him back.