fhjmom Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I will do my best to keep it brief. Since DH and I were married when she was 11, our relationship with step-DD has been... ummm... very stressful. She lived with us full-time and left home as soon as she turned 18, by her choice. She has barely spoken to me at all since moving out, and even then not under the best of circumstances. She now has 2 babies (21 months and 8 months) and lives several hours away She is on her way to drop them off at our house for the weekend. We haven't seen them since she dropped them for four days in December. I have not spoken with her since then, either. She makes all plans through DH by text and is very non-committal and unclear on if they are or are not coming until they are on the way. He doesn't bother to push for clarification either. I had literally 45 minutes notice this time. (Two weeks ago, DH mentioned they *might* be coming for a few days around spring break, then no other mention of it until last night when I asked at 10 o'clock if she ever answered him about the kids coming). She texted him a few minutes ago that they were on the way. She literally only speaks to me to tell me things like, "here are the diapers, clothes, etc. and K's medicine schedule." Did I mention that the 21 month old has a genetic condition that causes seizures and has to be on medication given on a strict schedule? (She doesn't keep us up to date about his doctors visits or how he is doing either.) Our house is not baby/toddler friendly. We are in the LEGO/Squinky/Polly Pocket phase here and every toy has tons of tiny parts. My house is a cluttered wreck. I have papers due for my masters program, the kids have school work to do, we still have other kids' activities this weekend, including a play audition to prepare for. I am tired. I am stressed and I am not feeling up to taking on two babies for three days. I am mad and resentful right now, but I want to just be able to love on these sweet babies when I get the chance, because it isn't very often. I feel like DD doesn't even like me and yet she leaves her children with me for days with very little interaction. In December, she didn't even call to check on them the whole time they were here. Help me get the other stuff out of the way so I can be a better grandma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 (edited) Maybe dh could be in charge of them (since he didn't bother to nail down the plans with his dd) and you could just be there for the fun stuff. I'm sorry, that doesn't help with the attitude stuff, does it? :grouphug: Maybe you could just focus on how dealing with this gracefully now, will help you to be able to look back on it without any regrets. Does that make sense? and again, more :grouphug:, I'd be frustrated, too. Edited March 16, 2012 by Mothersweets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I will do my best to keep it brief. Since DH and I were married when she was 11, our relationship with step-DD has been... ummm... very stressful. She lived with us full-time and left home as soon as she turned 18, by her choice. She has barely spoken to me at all since moving out, and even then not under the best of circumstances. She now has 2 babies (21 months and 8 months) and lives several hours away She is on her way to drop them off at our house for the weekend. We haven't seen them since she dropped them for four days in December. I have not spoken with her since then, either. She makes all plans through DH by text and is very non-committal and unclear on if they are or are not coming until they are on the way. He doesn't bother to push for clarification either. I had literally 45 minutes notice this time. (Two weeks ago, DH mentioned they *might* be coming for a few days around spring break, then no other mention of it until last night when I asked at 10 o'clock if she ever answered him about the kids coming). She texted him a few minutes ago that they were on the way. She literally only speaks to me to tell me things like, "here are the diapers, clothes, etc. and K's medicine schedule." Did I mention that the 21 month old has a genetic condition that causes seizures and has to be on medication given on a strict schedule? (She doesn't keep us up to date about his doctors visits or how he is doing either.) Our house is not baby/toddler friendly. We are in the LEGO/Squinky/Polly Pocket phase here and every toy has tons of tiny parts. My house is a cluttered wreck. I have papers due for my masters program, the kids have school work to do, we still have other kids' activities this weekend, including a play audition to prepare for. I am tired. I am stressed and I am not feeling up to taking on two babies for three days. I am mad and resentful right now, but I want to just be able to love on these sweet babies when I get the chance, because it isn't very often. I feel like DD doesn't even like me and yet she leaves her children with me for days with very little interaction. In December, she didn't even call to check on them the whole time they were here. Help me get the other stuff out of the way so I can be a better grandma. :grouphug: Wow, that is hard. I would find that stressful, too, as I am a planner. The only advice I have is to try and just focus on the Grandma part. You can't change Step dd. Only she can do that. But you can love on those babies and make a positive difference in their lives. I've known folks who don't see their grandbabies bc of difficult relationships with their children. Try, try, try to focus on the blessings. (I would find it hard but I'm trying to be helpful. :001_smile:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 No advice, just :grouphug: I hope the babies bring some smiles! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I'd be resentful too, being used like that. Sounds like it's a one way relationship...you want to be a good gma to the babies, but she's not interested in that unless she needs a sitter. Sucky. I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Ugh. That would really, really suck. At least you get to love on the grandbabies. Try to focus on that. Is it possible to keep one room sort of baby-ready for unexpected visits? Maybe have the outlets covered and such? Then just do a quick scour for tiny objects when they are on the way and gate it off? It's not fair that she treats you that way but I understand why you don't want to rock the boat. :grouphug: Think about all those sweet little cuddles and kisses you're gonna get this weekend! Chunky cheeks to much on, chubby thighs to tickle, the scent on top of baby's head... :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Well, it sounds like you *want* your grandbabies there, so my advice is coming from that perspective. (If you did NOT want to be watching them for a few days, then my advice would concentrate more on your relationship/communication with your dh.) Just focus on your relationship with the grandkids. Try to take your current relationship with your dsd out of the equation, at least for now. Seems like she's not willing to have a relationship with you right now. Which is her decision; I also understand that it may be much deeper and more complicated than you can explain in one post. But, at least she's willing to let you have a relationship with your grandkids. That's *something*, right? So focus on that. Love on them, enjoy them, invest in them. Share your excitement about them coming with your dc. Ask them all to drop what they're doing, and help you get the house as picked up as possible, so that the little ones are safe. :grouphug: to you. I'm a fellow stepmom; I get how complicated it can be. And you have to at least give your dsd credit for being willing to let her kids come over and be with you, seeing as she doesn't seem interested in do that for herself right now. Ok, even if she has a selfish reason, like she just needs a sitter and she knows that you won't say no. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fhjmom Posted March 16, 2012 Author Share Posted March 16, 2012 Thanks, everyone! Glad I am not being too sensitive. That helps. Maybe dh could be in charge of them (since he didn't bother to nail down the plans with his dd) and you could just be there for the fun stuff. I'm sorry, that doesn't help with the attitude stuff, does it? :grouphug: Maybe you could just focus on how dealing with this gracefully now, will help you to be able to look back on it without any regrets. Does that make sense? and again, more :grouphug:, I'd be frustrated, too. I tried that in December, it didn't work out. :tongue_smilie:But DH has promised to help more this time and he is off work all weekend so maybe it will be better this time. :grouphug: Wow, that is hard. I would find that stressful, too, as I am a planner. The only advice I have is to try and just focus on the Grandma part. You can't change Step dd. Only she can do that. But you can love on those babies and make a positive difference in their lives. I've known folks who don't see their grandbabies bc of difficult relationships with their children. Try, try, try to focus on the blessings. (I would find it hard but I'm trying to be helpful. :001_smile:) That is what I am hoping to do. I know I won't change DD and if I tried it would turn out very, very bad. I am thankful we do get to see them at least sometimes. DH says that I am the only person she trusts to leave them with so I should see that as a positive. She will visit other grandparents with them for short periods, but won't leave the kids with them. I'd be resentful too, being used like that. Sounds like it's a one way relationship...you want to be a good gma to the babies, but she's not interested in that unless she needs a sitter. Sucky. I'm sorry. :grouphug: I am used to the one-way relationship with her, it's always been that way. I am just hoping someday she will grow up enough to realize I did the things I did for her because I really did choose to love her like she was my own daughter, even when she was trying her hardest to be unlovable. :tongue_smilie: They just got here and just some hugs and cuddles helped! Thanks again!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I think you are on the track in trying to adjust your own attitude, and not trying to change another person who sounds like she has no interest whatsoever in changing. So, that's a very good start. :grouphug: I think that you could do a few things to make the unexpected visits more joyful for you. It would help if your house was more prepared for the babies. It doesn't have to always be baby-proof, but I would suggest that you take a look around and see how you might be able to organize so that when you get that 45 minutes notice, you could take 15-20 minutes to quickly tidy and be ready for babies. Some ideas: all those toys with tiny parts could have homes in plastic bins with lids. If you get the kind that stack, they can be set aside easily. I do this with Legos. I don't bother labeling the bins for certain kinds of Legos because ds's brain doesn't work that way. He's a sweep it aside and sort it later kind of kid. That's fine, because it's his toys and the little pieces still get stored out of the way properly. Could you have on hand a few of those baby-gates that are set by pressure and don't require permanent installation? This way you can easily contain the babies in one room that has been prepped before they arrive while you take your time getting the rest of the house to your liking. You can also block off rooms where you don't want them to go, and where you might want your own kids to have free reign with their toys however they like. Next time you have the babies, take notes or make a copy of the medication and schedule for your own reference. Note the doctor names and numbers, too. If you have that info, it might be less stressful wondering "what if" in case anything should happen. I wish you the best, and hope that you enjoy your grandchildren each and every visit! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Sorry for the lousy situation. But, if it were me, I'd just look at the step- daughter as the delivery person for the grandkids. Be polite, but focus on the transfer of the delivered kids and their supplies, and then have a great time (I realize it's a lot of work too!) with the little ones. As those kids grow up, they will know you and love you. You can make a big impact in their lives, even if it's in short increments over the year. Also, have a talk with dh to make sure you're on the same page about rules, boundaries, etc. with dsd. You and dh are on the same team. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Maybe dh could be in charge of them (since he didn't bother to nail down the plans with his dd) and you could just be there for the fun stuff. I'm sorry, that doesn't help with the attitude stuff, does it? :grouphug: Maybe you could just focus on how dealing with this gracefully now, will help you to be able to look back on it without any regrets. Does that make sense? and again, more :grouphug:, I'd be frustrated, too. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Since you want to love on the babies then do it. Her attitude is her problem. Don't make it yours. Roll with it. If you don't want to love on the babies tell her to hit the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 I'm glad you have a chance to see the grandkids. I sometimes look after my nieces who are small and we have a similar situation (without the hostility). I try to keep a 'little kid kit' available. We keep a spare playyard with drop in bassinett in storage and I have all our old fisher price toys in storage that I can pull out. We keep plug covers and cabinet locks in a box. When we hear they are coming, we do a quick make-over of the house, safety-proof things and put up medicines. We put up baby gates over certain parts of the house and set out toys. We also make a quick trip to the store for little kid food and also comfort food for the rest of us. The kids know they will get extra junk food when the nieces show up. :) Good luck with it all. It's a labor of love but I think it will have benefits for you in the future. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 I have BTDT. I am doing it right now, as a matter of fact. Sometimes we choose to pour ourselves into a child despite their parents, and sometimes we choose to keep quiet and play nice with the adults specifically for the sake of that child. You will never, ever regret showing kindness to those kids. I'm sorry it's so hard with all the other things on your plate right now. It sounds truly stressful. You can pm me if you want to talk more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) What a lovely post! We can't change the past, but we can try to deal with the needs of our innocent our loved ones as best we can. These are babies, children. They deserve the best we have to offer. Audrey, I am nowhere near having grandchildren, but your kind thoughts touched me deeply. I think you are on the track in trying to adjust your own attitude, and not trying to change another person who sounds like she has no interest whatsoever in changing. So, that's a very good start. :grouphug: I think that you could do a few things to make the unexpected visits more joyful for you. It would help if your house was more prepared for the babies. It doesn't have to always be baby-proof, but I would suggest that you take a look around and see how you might be able to organize so that when you get that 45 minutes notice, you could take 15-20 minutes to quickly tidy and be ready for babies. Some ideas: all those toys with tiny parts could have homes in plastic bins with lids. If you get the kind that stack, they can be set aside easily. I do this with Legos. I don't bother labeling the bins for certain kinds of Legos because ds's brain doesn't work that way. He's a sweep it aside and sort it later kind of kid. That's fine, because it's his toys and the little pieces still get stored out of the way properly. Could you have on hand a few of those baby-gates that are set by pressure and don't require permanent installation? This way you can easily contain the babies in one room that has been prepped before they arrive while you take your time getting the rest of the house to your liking. You can also block off rooms where you don't want them to go, and where you might want your own kids to have free reign with their toys however they like. Next time you have the babies, take notes or make a copy of the medication and schedule for your own reference. Note the doctor names and numbers, too. If you have that info, it might be less stressful wondering "what if" in case anything should happen. I wish you the best, and hope that you enjoy your grandchildren each and every visit! :) Edited March 17, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 DD is being a snot to you but what is would do is focus on the little ones. Bring some happiness to their lives, because I suspect it might be...ummm...interesting having her for a mother. Hugs to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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