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Do I bring my kids to see my grandpa?


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Ok, grandpa has been in the hospital and isn't doing so good. To make a long story short, he has a trac tube in, he's really skinny, he's hooked up to stuff (not life support or anything), and his arms shake if he tries to move them.

 

I'm pretty sure that we're making the 3 hr. drive tomorrow to see him. He's been in the hospital for almost a week and it'll be probably be another week before he's out. When he does get out, there's a really good chance that he'll be either going to assisted living or a nursing home. He was previously living with my mother, but she can't handle his care anymore.

 

He's very sad/depressed about everything that been happening to him lately. I had thought that I wouldn't bring the kids in the room with me (they'd hang out in the family lounge with dh), but recently I've been thinking I *might* bring them in.

 

My mom, who's been there almost the whole time, said that if I prepare them for what condition he's in, it might be ok. I'm not so much worried about my 9 and 11 year old boys, but my almost 6 yr. old dd is who I'm thinking of. That being said, she'd probably be the one to MOST give him a lifting of his spirits.

 

WWYD? The man was like my father growing up. I was his buddy.

 

Thanks!

Edited by mama2cntrykids
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Ok, grandpa has been in the hospital and isn't doing so good. To make a long story short, he has a trac tube in, he's really skinny, he's hooked up to stuff (not life support or anything), and his arms shake if he tries to move them.

 

I'm pretty sure that we're making the 3 hr. drive tomorrow to see him. He's been in the hospital for almost a week and it'll be probably be another week before he's out. When he does get out, there's a really good chance that he'll be either going to assisted living or a nursing home. He was previously living with my mother, but she can't handle his care anymore.

 

He's very sad/depressed about everything that been happening to him lately. I had thought that I wouldn't bring the kids in the room with me (they'd hang out in the family lounge with dh), but recently I've been thinking I *might* bring them in.

 

My mom, who's been there almost the whole time, said that if I prepare them for what condition he's in, it might be ok. I'm not so much worried about my 9 and 11 year old boys, but my almost 6 yr. old dd is who I'm thinking of. That being said, she'd probably be the one to MOST give him a lifting of his spirits.

 

WWYD? The man was like my father growing up. I was his buddy.

 

Thanks!

Yes, I would.

 

Kids can understand. I took mine to see my mother when she was dying and we also took care of her the last couple of years of her life. They were 5 and 7 when she finally passed away.

 

It's even more disturbing when the parents think the kids can't be exposed to death - a natural part of life - so the relative simply "disappears". This happened to me because my parents thought I was too young to be in the loop.

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Yes, I would.

 

Kids can understand. I took mine to see my mother when she was dying and we also took care of her the last couple of years of her life. They were 5 and 7 when she finally passed away. I think hiding it only teaches them to be afraid.

 

It's even more disturbing when the parents think the kids can't be exposed to death - a natural part of life - so the relative simply "disappears". This happened to me because my parents thought I was too young to be in the loop.

 

:iagree:

 

Death happens. If we don't give them information, they'll have to make it up and I'd rather my dd thought it was being very old and sick in hospital than having her draw parallels to the squashed snails on the footpath!

 

Unless the kiddo was highly strung and would freak out. When we took the kiddos to see FIL in hospital, we went armed with packets of chips. It kept their attention so he could see them without being troubled too much by their noise. ;) When the chips ran out and they got wiggly, I took them out. FIL was concerned they'd be scared, but we rarely feed them chips so, being preschoolers, that's what they focused on.

 

Rosie

Edited by Rosie_0801
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Is your DH or someone able to sit with the kids away from the room? I would let the kids come in, but only one at a time and only for a short period. They don't need to be there for the whole time and it is probably better if you all don't come in together as a large group. I've always heard one or two visitors at a time in a hospital room is best.

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I would if he is cognizant enough to appreciate it. I brought my kids to see my grandmother when she had a massive stroke last year a couple times, the last time only a few weeks before she died (she had another stroke). I'm so glad we did. It was like turning on the sunshine for her! :grouphug: I'm so sorry about your grandfather. I'm still broken hearted thinking about my sweet grandma.

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having been through this a couple of times, I will be the dissenting opinion. I would ask them if they want to go. Explain that how he looks. Le them make the choice. Every time we have done this, the kids who chose to go did well. The ones who did not go were the ones I would have thought would have a problem afterwards. The last time dh and I went to see fil, we did not give the kids the option. I am so glad we didn't. It was almost too much for us as adults.

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having been through this a couple of times, I will be the dissenting opinion. I would ask them if they want to go. Explain that how he looks. Le them make the choice. Every time we have done this, the kids who chose to go did well. The ones who did not go were the ones I would have thought would have a problem afterwards. The last time dh and I went to see fil, we did not give the kids the option. I am so glad we didn't. It was almost too much for us as adults.

 

:grouphug: But sometimes what is very hard on adults is not hard on kids.

 

I believe it is important for kids to live through these experiences....it helps them develope empathy.

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having been through this a couple of times, I will be the dissenting opinion. I would ask them if they want to go. Explain that how he looks. Le them make the choice. Every time we have done this, the kids who chose to go did well. The ones who did not go were the ones I would have thought would have a problem afterwards. The last time dh and I went to see fil, we did not give the kids the option. I am so glad we didn't. It was almost too much for us as adults.

 

Good point Lolly. Thank you for the insight.

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We recently faced this very thing with my MIL when she was dying. She was in the hospital and just 100 pounds, shaking arms and hands, tubes for oxygen, medications, etc. We had family come in for the possible last visit they could have with her before she'd go home on hospice. Their girls (9 and 7) and our DS' (7 and 1) all went in, prepped ahead of time that grandma was very ill, but loved them and would feel good inside, happy, if she could see them.

 

Ya know what? The kids did way better than us adults; 9yo went right over and snuggled right up, big hug, kisses; her little sister, 7yo, went and held her hand and told her about her trip to see her and how she missed seeing her; DS, 7yo was on her other side, brushing her hair with his hand and the baby, 1yo, just played at her feet - yes, all four of them climbed into bed, oblivious to the tubes, and just were with her.

 

It totally lifted her spirits, she was alert, happy, laughing, and sharing stories with all and she had what would be her last good day. That was a Sunday. They had to go home on Monday and we brought her home on hospice on Tuesday.

 

Thursday, DS7 came with me for a visit and said his goodbyes to gramma, stroked her hand and said he'd miss her, that he loved her. She smiled through that somehow and squeezed his hand in hers (semi-comatose at that point). She died peacefully on Sunday.

 

I sometimes think we, as adults, don't realize the capacity our kids have for deep compassion and an ability to really not *see* what we do in the same way. When we were all out at dinner on Sunday night, before the family had to leave, the kids were all playing and talking about one of the stories gramma told them earlier - they didn't talk about how she looked, the tubes or the noises the machines made; nope, they talked about gramma and the tales she told that made them smile.

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We recently faced this very thing with my MIL when she was dying. She was in the hospital and just 100 pounds, shaking arms and hands, tubes for oxygen, medications, etc. We had family come in for the possible last visit they could have with her before she'd go home on hospice. Their girls (9 and 7) and our DS' (7 and 1) all went in, prepped ahead of time that grandma was very ill, but loved them and would feel good inside, happy, if she could see them.

 

Ya know what? The kids did way better than us adults; 9yo went right over and snuggled right up, big hug, kisses; her little sister, 7yo, went and held her hand and told her about her trip to see her and how she missed seeing her; DS, 7yo was on her other side, brushing her hair with his hand and the baby, 1yo, just played at her feet - yes, all four of them climbed into bed, oblivious to the tubes, and just were with her.

 

It totally lifted her spirits, she was alert, happy, laughing, and sharing stories with all and she had what would be her last good day. That was a Sunday. They had to go home on Monday and we brought her home on hospice on Tuesday.

 

Thursday, DS7 came with me for a visit and said his goodbyes to gramma, stroked her hand and said he'd miss her, that he loved her. She smiled through that somehow and squeezed his hand in hers (semi-comatose at that point). She died peacefully on Sunday.

 

I sometimes think we, as adults, don't realize the capacity our kids have for deep compassion and an ability to really not *see* what we do in the same way. When we were all out at dinner on Sunday night, before the family had to leave, the kids were all playing and talking about one of the stories gramma told them earlier - they didn't talk about how she looked, the tubes or the noises the machines made; nope, they talked about gramma and the tales she told that made them smile.

 

Very sweet. I had a similar experience with my grandmother who died at age 93 at home with hospice. Ds was 3 at the time and we went nearly every day to her bedside. He was fine.

 

A funny thing happened at the viewing/visitation. I took him with me thinking I could distract him from the body....but somehow I was distracted and looked across the room just in time to see him climbing up on the casket and peeking inside...He glanced at her and said, 'huh. Grandma A.' And then climbed down and went about his business.

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Thanks everyone:grouphug:. I just told the kids that we're going to see grandpa tomorrow.

 

I'm hoping it will give him a few moments of happiness at least:). I feel so badly for him. These last few months have been really rough on him.

 

I think you are making the right decision.

 

One idea, though -- before you bring the kids in, tell your grandfather that you brought them and that they would love to see him, but you want to be sure he is feeling well enough for the visit.

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I would. I brought my boys who were 2 and 4 at the time to see my grandma when she was dying. We actually didn't get to see her. She passed away just before "visiting hour" started. After she passed and I explained what happened to the kids, my 4 year old asked to see her. I brought him in to see her and explained that she was no longer there in that body. I think it helped him to understand what had happened.

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Yes most definitely! If you are worried about the equipment scaring them ask the nurse before you go in if she could talk to them and explain what they are going to see. Us nurses are really good at teaching and hopefully the vast majority won't mind helping a sick man and his grandkids have as pleasant and comfortable visit as possible :)

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My grandpa was dying. I loved him so much and he was my only grandpa (alive) as I grew up. He lived far away but we wrote letters to each other, visited maybe once a year, and I loved him and he was very special to me. I always kept in touch with him through letters but after my kids were born I just got so busy, you know. I didn't love him any less, but I probably showed him less because of that... Anyway after a few years of less contact, I learned that he was dying. My mom asked me to bring my kids. He had never met them & they were at that time, his only grandchildren. It was difficult, a last minute, 800 mile drive, with 3 children under 5, in a minivan that started breaking down half way there, and just 4 days before I was to start back full time in my public school position. My littlest kids don't remember it, but they were there & he knew it. My oldest does remember. But, even more important, is that... we remember it, my mom & her siblings appreciate it, he met his grandchildren! Do what's right for you because you will live with your decision. My logical side said, no. It's too hard, too short notice. But we went anyway & he died just a few months later :( Now I am so happy to know that he met my kids & because my mom & her siblings (who didn't have kids yet) appreciate that he saw some of his grandkids....

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I think you should, but the kids need to know exactly what to expect. I'd show them pictures of people who are hooked up to tubes. Show what your grandfather looked like when he was healthy, and then show photos of what a dying person looks like.

 

Possibly you could take them to a nursing home and let them meet a few residents before you make the trip out to see him. That will let you know how the kids handle it.

 

When I was little, I had a great-uncle who was in a wheelchair because he'd had polio many years earlier. I was honestly terrified of him. I remember my mom trying to get me to say goodbye to him once, and (to my shame) I cried and ran away. You don't want freaked-out kids screaming with fear in front of your grandfather.

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Update:

 

We went and it was fine. Even my ds9, wasn't sure about going in ended up doing it. He was fine. All the kids said they thought it would be worse than what it was.

 

It lifted his spirits so much. He smiled a few times and loved watching the baby toddle.

 

He was actually looking decent despite his condition. They found that it is cancer in his voice box and he opted to get the voice box taken out. He was very sad about it. Which I totally understand. I can't imagine how hard that would be. They're not letting him eat either, because it's coming out of his tube (so therefore going down wrong).

 

My aunts dh came with his guitar and sang some songs that grandpa likes. Grandpa cried. I've never seen him cry in my 34 years. Poor man. It's all so hard on him.

 

It's hard to watch someone you love hurt. It breaks my heart!

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Update:

 

We went and it was fine. Even my ds9, wasn't sure about going in ended up doing it. He was fine. All the kids said they thought it would be worse than what it was.

 

It lifted his spirits so much. He smiled a few times and loved watching the baby toddle.

 

He was actually looking decent despite his condition. They found that it is cancer in his voice box and he opted to get the voice box taken out. He was very sad about it. Which I totally understand. I can't imagine how hard that would be. They're not letting him eat either, because it's coming out of his tube (so therefore going down wrong).

 

My aunts dh came with his guitar and sang some songs that grandpa likes. Grandpa cried. I've never seen him cry in my 34 years. Poor man. It's all so hard on him.

 

It's hard to watch someone you love hurt. It breaks my heart!

 

:grouphug: So sorry about his health issues.

 

What a great update to a challenging situation.

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My aunts dh came with his guitar and sang some songs that grandpa likes. Grandpa cried. I've never seen him cry in my 34 years. Poor man. It's all so hard on him.

 

It's hard to watch someone you love hurt. It breaks my heart!

 

I hope you can visit often. At that point in life, those you love are all that matters.

 

:grouphug: I remember seeing a first tear when my Papa was 96. He was discouraged about having to go into assisted living, but after he got there, he said it was like a cruise ship, so my last memory of him was happily chorfing in the dining room. You'll remember his happiness, in the long run. Takes some pics for your children to cherish when they are old, too.

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It was/is so emotionally exhausting for everyone. We love him so much. When grandpa broke down yesterday, so did my uncle. Like my uncle said, it's seems harder watching someone slowly go vs. grandma (who was smiling in the hospital and went really quickly). So.hard.

 

Grandpa has been through so much over the last few years with bad health. Everything from stroke to throat cancer (he received radiation and beat it). Now this. Plus he was dx with beginning stages of Dementia a few months ago (when he was in the hospital for not eating/drink/weight loss).

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I hope you can visit often. At that point in life, those you love are all that matters.

 

:grouphug: I remember seeing a first tear when my Papa was 96. He was discouraged about having to go into assisted living, but after he got there, he said it was like a cruise ship, so my last memory of him was happily chorfing in the dining room. You'll remember his happiness, in the long run. Takes some pics for your children to cherish when they are old, too.

 

I agree with you. The problem is, we live three hours away and dh lost his job about 6 weeks ago, so with rising gas prices, it's difficult.

 

I hope to go again in the next month when he's out of the hospital. By then, he will probably be in some kind of assisted living/nursing home (which will break his heart, but he can't go back to his apt).

 

I will definately get pics. I was going to ask him at the hopsital, but decided against it (ie-I think I chickened out lolol).

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I have spent the last many years coaching my kids and other kids through difficult nursing home visits. My aunt had a brain tumor for seven years before she passed on a year ago. The tumor wrought terrible changes on her both mentally and physically. My grandmother is also now suffering with Alzheimer's as well as various physical ailments.

 

Yes, bring them. Tell them ahead of time what to expect.

 

Once in the room, let them interact with your grandfather one at a time. You talk to him first for a little while. When you want the kids to talk to him, do it one at a time. Draw the kid onto your lap and coach the kid along gently, saying things like, " Tell Grandpa what we did today." or "Tell Grandpa what you ate for breakfast." You can also suggest that the child touch Grandpa's hand but if the child prefers not, that's okay. When the child is ready to be done talking, let the child slip back into the background. A little handiwork (coloring, crochet, whatever) can help make everyone feel more comfortable.

 

I have been doing this for many years, but had an especially good experience with this just this past Friday. My sister was in town and wanted to see our grandmother. She was scared to see her though, too. I took her and her two kids as well as my ds. Her children did great, as did my sister.

 

Plan to talk after the visit about how your grandfather is doing. Be sure to explain why he looks the way he does--understanding lessons our fear and discomfort and brings compassion.

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Update:

 

We went and it was fine. Even my ds9, wasn't sure about going in ended up doing it. He was fine. All the kids said they thought it would be worse than what it was.

 

It lifted his spirits so much. He smiled a few times and loved watching the baby toddle.

 

He was actually looking decent despite his condition. They found that it is cancer in his voice box and he opted to get the voice box taken out. He was very sad about it. Which I totally understand. I can't imagine how hard that would be. They're not letting him eat either, because it's coming out of his tube (so therefore going down wrong).

 

My aunts dh came with his guitar and sang some songs that grandpa likes. Grandpa cried. I've never seen him cry in my 34 years. Poor man. It's all so hard on him.

 

It's hard to watch someone you love hurt. It breaks my heart!

 

Didn't read your update before posting. It sounds like it was a good visit for all of you, though naturally quite painful. God bless each of you for giving yourself so generously. May God give you the strength to continue as he walks this painful path. I'm sorry it hurts so badly. :grouphug:

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Didn't read your update before posting. It sounds like it was a good visit for all of you, though naturally quite painful. God bless each of you for giving yourself so generously. May God give you the strength to continue as he walks this painful path. I'm sorry it hurts so badly. :grouphug:

 

Thank you:grouphug:.

 

I talked to my mom earlier. She's at the hospital along with my aunt and uncle. Grandpa isn't doing so well today. They still won't let him eat, as he failed his "swallow test" again. He's also having difficulty communicating b/c his writing is getting worse and worse. He's VERY frustrated. He ALSO has surgery tomorrow to get his voice box removed and I'm sure that's doing a number on him.

 

They are supposed to be getting him a Ipad (I think they said Ipad) so he can communicate better. He's just so tired/shaky/weak that it's hard to write.

 

If anyone would like to keep him in their prayers, our family would apprecitate it. Thank you.

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