Openly look or pretend not to?

A zen koan:

 

 

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

 

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

 

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his 
journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?â€

 

The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?â€

 

[Momof3littles]

Maybe this will come out sounding kind of harsh, and I do apologize for that, but honestly this is the sort of thing that bothered me with a boyfriend when I was a teenager. Maybe I was unsure of myself at that point.

 

Now? I don't even notice if my husband looks. I bet I look at men and women as much as he does (for no other reason than I just look at people because they are in my range of view). If he were obnoxious and oogly about it, I suppose I'd find that annoying, but really I could care less and it's not on my radar.

 

My guess is he may have been looking, but not thinking all that hard about it, so he didn't even realize he was looking.

:iagree:

[Kareni]

A zen koan:

 

That's a favorite koan of mine. Thanks for sharing it with us all.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Lady Florida.]

If you are in a loving, trustful marriage then I don't know why a wife would even want to confront a husband for looking or a husband confront a wife for looking. I mean, good grief, we are human and by nature, admire beautiful people of the opposite sex.

 

I don't ever want to put my husband under the impossible constraints of never looking at another woman. I would feel I was being unrealistic and juvenile. The "be honest" scenario doesn't really feel right for us either because I don't call him on it if I happen to notice him looking. It's really a non-issue for us.

:iagree:We've been together for 20 years, married for 18. Neither of us has ever strayed, or even had a reason to question the other's fidelity. I can't imagine my dh thinking he can't innocently look at a good looking woman, or vice versa.

 

 

On a healthy s*x note, if you find your dh admiring the attributes of another woman, or you've been admiring another man, then odds are you can exploit that later on in the evening when the kids have gone to bed. Goodness knows that after a kilt or Johnny Depp thread here I've had really great Tea with hubby that night.;)

Yes! ;)

[Tapasnaturalles]

Ok, honestly that would bug me. I don't care if my husband looks, but I don't want to discuss which women are good looking to him or not. It's nothing to do with me being worried about it, but really that's kinda where I'd have to draw the line.

 

Maybe it's because a person's looks is the least interesting aspect to me. I've never been one to discuss with a girlfriend, for example, which guy looks hot to me or not.

 

When it comes to getting to know people, it is the least interesting. But I can enjoy looking at a good looking guy and talk about it with someone. Mostly my DH, cause I don't have friends to talk with.

And I can look at good looking woman too... I mostly have an opinion about other woman. And I think it's interesting to know him inside out... I do want to know what he finds attractive.

[TheHomeScientist]

My position has always been that I'm married, not dead. I think if I ever stopped looking at women, my wife would immediately check my pulse.

 

I posted this on my journal page a year or two ago:

 

"I started laughing while we were watching Brothers and Sisters the other night. The scene featured Emily VanCamp, an actress whom I adore, wearing an extremely low-cut and revealing dress. Ordinarily, I look at her face, but this time my attention was riveted on that portion of her anterior anatomy between her axillae. I started laughing because I realized that I wouldn't have been able to testify in court that Emily VanCamp actually appeared in that scene, and because I remembered the scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Anya, the former vengeance demon, is trying to get Xander to ask her out.

 

Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.

Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.

 

 

And it's true. I've sometimes wondered what it must be like to be a woman, routinely having conversations with men, looking into their eyes while they're looking down at your chest. I know I do it to all my women friends. Fortunately, women seem to have a sense of humor about it.

[Barry Goldwater]

Maybe the 'lie' was to spare hurt feelings?

[5LittleMonkeys]

My position has always been that I'm married, not dead. I think if I ever stopped looking at women, my wife would immediately check my pulse.

 

 

:lol:

[6packofun]

To me, there is a middle ground between gawking and lying about it and a good man knows what that is. LOL Of course *people* notice an attractive and/or scantily clad woman or one with a figure-hugging/revealing outfit. *I* notice and usually try to trump dh in commenting. LOL

 

Now in this specific situation, I think the bigger issue is that it wasn't just one look--of any acceptable length of time--but SEVERAL peeks like a teenage boy without self-control. THAT is what would bother me and I'd be mentioning it. I'd probably say, "Could you just get one GOOD look instead of making me feel worse by trying to look over and over? You're being really obvious and since I'm pretty sure you've noticed many boobs and butts over the years it's kinda pathetic."

[Sneezyone]

After 14 years of marriage, I'd have given DH this :glare: :001_rolleyes: and gotten this :blush: :D and and that would be that. No words required.

[Education Explorers]

My position has always been that I'm married, not dead. I think if I ever stopped looking at women, my wife would immediately check my pulse.

 

When I was a teenager and caught my dad checking out other women, my mother would always say, "It is when they stop looking that you need to worry." So I don't expect my husband to wear blinders. I believe it is an innate trait for most men... I even point out particularly good views on the off chance he missed it. :001_smile:

 

I have never forgotten the night when we were waiting for a table with my family and the extremely well-endowed cocktail waitress made sure to "bend over" to enhance the view for the men. My mom, my sister and I watched the guys gawk... first my brother-in-law, then my father and finally my 80 year old grandfather who was on a walker. We were a little surprised and my grandfather never missed a beat. He smiled, sipped his scotch and said, "Well, I may be old, but I'm not dead yet!"

[danybug]

We were once in an airport when a young woman with large booKs and no booKcase came jogging all the way up through the terminal, running to her gate. I commended dh on his ability to not stare. He just laughed and said he was well trained. ;)

 

:lol::lol::lol: This and the "Well-Trained Mind" comment had me laughing. Thanks!

[RanchGirl]

I hate lies. But I think this might be an "ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies" situation. No, he shouldn't lie, but you're putting him in a no-win situation. It sounds like it was pretty benign. I would have either ignored it or looked at him, rolled my eyes, and moved on. By asking him about it you are telling him it's a big deal to you... so he probably feels he has to lie to protect your feelings.

[goldberry]

My husband's parents had their marraige destroyed by jealousy and insecurity. His mom was ridiculously insecure, and his dad couldn't understand it and didn't try. So everything he did made it worse. I knew before I married him that he was glad I wasn't that type (I honestly don't think he would have gotten serious with me if I was.)

 

My DH is a "serious amatuer" photographer and has done model-type pics of some very beautiful women. Doesn't bother me in the least. We have a rock solid marraige, and I trust him completely. He lets me know how grateful he is that we are secure and I don't freak out over the fact that there are other beautiful women in the world. We both will comment on actors/actresses occasionally, or joke about it.

 

If I saw him looking another woman I wouldn't even give it a thought. If I did, he wouldn't deny it, there wouldn't be a reason.