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"...Then you won't have to be his disciplinarian all the time...you can just be mom"


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I will xpost this on the SN board as well but I wanted a broader opinion. Ds8 has some significant special needs. His behavior is a huge issue. (I can't stress that enough).

We have attempted to put him in ps as recently as last month (it was disastrous and we pulled him out after a few days due to the school districts policy of starting him in a mainstream classroom and then having 30 days to do their assessments to find a better placement even though he has an IEP....it's complicated).

Anyway, I have heard twice in the last few months (from two different professionals; one was a psychologist at his dev. peds office and the other was the school counselor at our ps), that ds would do better in school because then I could concentrate on being his mom and not have to be his disciplinarian 24/7. I could give that job to someone else sometimes and let me just be his mom.

I told the Psych. that I feel like the parents role IS to be the child's constant disciplinarian (as in example, role model, etc). She tried to reassure me that she wasn't suggesting taking away any part of my parenting but rather offering me some relief so I could concentrate on the "fun" part of parenting. I'm still scratching my head over this.

I can sort of see where she and the counselor (separate incidents) are coming from but then again, my paranoia takes over and I feel like they are questioning my ability to homeschool him.

 

What do you think?

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I don't know. Kids are all different. I know with my ds, putting him in school would very likely have meant that he'd hold it together most days at school, then have a meltdown when he got home. Then we'd still have to deal with homework. And I'm sure there would still be behavior problems at school, teachers calling, etc. So although I am sometimes tempted by the idea of "just being his mom", I know that with a special needs kiddo with significant behavioral challenges, putting him school may solve one problem and cause different ones. I mean, if you pick him up from school and the teacher says he acted out in class, then when you get him home, he has a meltdown, then you still have to do homework with him, how are you benefitting?

 

On the other hand, I'm sure that there are kids who do well in the structured environment of school, and their behavior actually improves. I'm just not convinced it's a magic cure-all for every special needs kid.

 

Full disclosure: I've been homeschooling my son (Asperger's, ADHD, OCD, language disorder) from day one. We've done co-ops with varying success. I am burned out right now, and seriously tempted to put him in a charter school next year. But deep down, I doubt I would. I just don't see it working for him, since the stress of interacting with large groups of people, different teachers, etc., would certainly cause meltdowns at home. And there's still lots of homework.

 

Wendi

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She seems to think you need a break from him.

 

I don't see how public school leaves much room for the fun part of parenting, though. Once you count the time in school and homework, there isn't much time left to do the fun parts. But if you do need a daily break from his behavior, it may be beneficial to you and your family to have that time away. Or perhaps part time would work out better.

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I heard this same statement from two people in the ps (school psychologist and guidance counselor) about my youngest. He had been homeschooled and then, after he was diagnosed with Asperger's, I panicked and decided maybe I wasn't qualified to teach him. So we had a special-ed evaluation done by the ps and began talking to the ps about the possibility of enrolling him. The school psychologist and the guidance counselor both said that it would be "so beneficial" for him to be in ps so that I could "focus on being mom."

 

We did end up enrolling him, and he was in ps for a year, and things deteriorated very quickly. "Being mom"? Ha. I was having to pick up the emotional pieces of my son that were left after they got done with him. "Being mom" was a lot harder when I let them "be teacher." Even with all my son's behavioral issues (he has a seizure disorder, Asperger's, and ADHD), it was easier for me to do it all than to try to "partner" with them. I know that's not everyone's experience -- but it was ours.

 

Anyway, I took the "just being mom" statement as "code" for "Honey, you're not qualified to do what we do. Leave the professional stuff to us, and you stick to milk-and-cookies."

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I equate that comment to others I hear pretty often, such as "How do you make them listen during school?" (uh, the same way I make them listen any other time?) and so on.

 

Now, I certainly do think it's fine for any parent to want or need a break, or some relief as the psych expressed it, but immediately suggesting sending them to school because the hs'ing parent needs a break always seemed extreme to me. Haven't these people heard of babysitters? :lol:

 

I also think that joannqn hit the nail on the head when she said that school often doesn't leave much time for the fun part of parenting.

 

When responding, I would thank them for their concern, and assure them that I'm aware of needing a break sometimes and have a plan (the plan might be to suck it up for the next five years if you don't have any help, but they don't need to know that). This should get them to either quiet down for a while, or be open about their real concerns.

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When my kids went to school, we used to come home, change out of uniforms, get lunches packed for the next day, and start on dinner preparations. They were exhausted from the long day and usually fought and bickered.

 

They fight and bicker still. But they are around each other so much more that they spend so much more time playing and enjoying each other's company. And I may be spending just as much time disciplining them, but as a percentage of my time with them, it's much smaller. In other words, school was taking all the fun parts, and leaving me with tired, worn out, grouchy kids. :p

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Thank you all for the great responses :) It's always been difficult for me to feel comfortable with the ps administration's mentality that all children benefit from being in a ps environment.

 

The problem I'm having is that things are not going well at home with ds. He is struggling academically as well as behaviorally/socially. Our other dc are also having a hard time with ds because he is so draining of all of our time/attention/patience.

 

We definitely do need some help but of course I think in home behavioral help would be more beneficial than just handing him over to the school to let them pigeon hole him into one of their classrooms.

 

Anyway, thank you again for the responses. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being overly sensitive about their recommendations :blushing:

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It doesn't really matter what the psych says if you've already tried it and it didn't work, right? :confused: What is the difference between last month and this month?

 

Rosie

 

 

It's a long complicated mess but basically when we started him last month, they had to start him in a gen ed classroom while they took their 30 days to do their assessments.

 

IF I would have had him enrolled in a private school (like I do now since we filed our PSA), then they could have done the assessments WHILE he was still enrolled in our private school BUT....since he was still enrolled in a public charter school at the time, we had to enroll him in the brick and mortar first before they could begin their testing. So now I could call the school district and they could do their testing while he is still at home, then we could hold the addendum IEP where they would offer us their recommendation of placement instead of having him in a gen ed classroom right now where he won't be able to cope or keep up. He's academically at about an upper kinder level but he's nearing the end of 2nd grade.

I hope I explained that right :001_huh: (It's so ridiculous because I know what he needs but they have said they need to see him fail before they offer him what I suggest)

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We are in a similar situation, except our doctors are fine with the homeschooling...

 

 

I don't agree that in the current situation the ps setting would be "better." I do agree that it would be nice to just be mom to my kids.

 

Running a household takes a certain amount of time, especially if your children are home all day eating meals, making messes, etc. Teaching and preparing to teach is a full time job for those who do it outside the home, as is running a day care. Most homeschool moms are doing both of those jobs at once. Plus being the lunch lady and the bus driver. ;) Of course this takes away your time to be fun mom.

 

The vibe I'm getting from DS' doctors is that they know that dealing with behavioral issues in addition to the normal pressures of parenthood is difficult. I'm sure they see lots of parents who struggle to just keep up during after school hours and weekends, depending on the child's depth of need. KWIM? So they are looking at a mom who is trying to "do it all" and offering up that doing so may be hard.

 

One of my son's doctors didn't know we homeschooled and when I mentioned he (knowing how many kiddos I have) did look a little concerned- but I took it as a look of concern for me. As in "Mom, you need to make sure you get breaks, etc." Because the truth is, I do need breaks. I just make sure DH is there it provide them.

:auto: (Me heading to the store all by myself!)

 

 

I talk very openly with my son's primary therapist about making sure I am providing what the ps would for him. I make it clear that I am open to constructive criticism and if she thinks there's something missing from our work at home she's to let me know. She has said that if I want to ps, she will help me get the paperwork and make it happen, but she's not pushing that direction. Again, the feedback I get is that undertaking to do it all on my own is a big deal and she is genuinely concerned.

 

I don't really have the best temperament for homeschooling to begin with and fun isn't my strong suite. So I'm definitely open to her suggestions on finding balance within the parameters of our school choices.

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A very dear friend of mine has a son who has bipolar as well as NVLD. My friend is a gifted mother who has devoted her entire life to raising this child. This child is bright and musically gifted. He is also extremely moody and prone to both sudden rages and deep, devastating depression. His rages are violent, but thus far his violence has been on inanimate objects (kicking walls, for example). This child has a sweet heart and truly suffers with his mental illness.

 

When this child struggled in a school setting, my friend brought him home to home school. The effects were incredibly positive. Without the social pressure and constant overstimulus, this little boy made huge improvements. It was obviously the best thing for him.

 

After some years of homeschooling, however, academic progress ground to a standstill and his rages became much worse. Adolescence has been very, very difficult for this child and those who love him. The focus of this child's negative emotion became his mother (my friend). The emotional intensity and power struggle made their home a constant battle zone.

 

Finally my friend placed this child in a school setting. Living in a combat zone was compromising the love in their relationship. Placing him in school gave him a different perspective, truly. There are definitely challenges related to being in that setting, but there will be challenges for this child in ANY setting. Being in school the last year and a half has bolstered the family relationships. My friend firmly believes that if she had kept her son home any longer their relationship would have been irreparably broken.

 

It's not a moral compromise to rely on a good team. I would say to keep yourself open to ALL options.

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I'll add another alternative view here...;)

 

I totally agree that public school can be a disaster for a lot of special needs kids. However, so can staying home when there is constant conflict, a burned out mom and other kids whose needs cannot be met because of the SN kid. Only you know if your family is in that situation. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help if that is indeed the case. You are not giving up on homeschooling, just exploring alternatives to see how you can best serve the whole family and all their needs...including your own.

 

I can say from experience that we have been there, done that. In our case, we did not believe that the public school could serve our daughter's needs adequately but believed that she would be best served by attending a brick and mortar school, so we searched until we found a small private Christian school that was right for her. It is a monetary sacrifice as well as a time consuming one, but so was keeping her at home and meeting the needs of the other SN kids who were being left to the wayside by her behavior. Now, she is blossoming, her behavior has improved dramatically, the other kids are growing and having their needs met and Momma is much more relaxed. Having her in school provides the best possible environment for everyone. Each year, we reevaluate her situation and would certainly bring her home if needed, but so far this has been nothing but a blessing for our family. There truly are some kids and some situations where a brick and mortar school is a good idea.

 

That said, keep ALL your options open as you look for what is right for your child. Nobody's opinion should concern you...search your own heart as Momma, pray or whatever you need to do and see what is right for your situation. It is wise to consider advice but the ultimate decision rests with the person who knows your child best...YOU. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be in your child's best interests, since that seems to be your primary concern!

:grouphug:

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...She tried to reassure me that she wasn't suggesting taking away any part of my parenting but rather offering me some relief so I could concentrate on the "fun" part of parenting. I'm still scratching my head over this.

I can sort of see where she and the counselor (separate incidents) are coming from but then again, my paranoia takes over and I feel like they are questioning my ability to homeschool him.

 

What do you think?

I don't think the counselors were simply questioning your ability to home school--I suspect they were really thinking that the way parents have fun with our children is by sending children away to be with other people. What??? Does that even make sense??? The trick to having fun and enjoying our children is to learn to love them better, to take joy in small stuff and to enjoy hard work more.

 

I was just thinking yesterday that I'm so worm out after doing academics that I'm often too tired to have fun. But...THEN, I get to thinking that my problem isn't that--it's something else. We have this notion that life is suppose to be fun, but we don't think of hard work as "fun" and don't find joy in the little things of life. I'd find life to be more "fun" if I had an attitude adjustment.

 

In order to enjoy parenting, we have to enjoy little things--because children are by their very nature "little things". Some childish actions that cause us to flip out should really evoke tears of laughter. (Let's face it--some of this would be really funny, if we saw on tv!) We need to learn to laugh and delight when childen act like children, while also helping them grow into fine, young adults.

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When my three SN kids were in public school I spent more time at the school dealing with issues and putting them together after a stressed out day than I do teaching them.

 

It really depends on the kid and the school. Our experience was not good but I'm sure some are. Doesn't sound like they would be based on the 'he has to fail first' idea they have.

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Another one with the alternate view. I put my kids in school 6 years ago because of my health, but my schooling relationship with my oldest later-to-be-diagnosed Aspie was difficult. We butted heads (and still do to some extent). But she obeyed and obeys the teachers at school. In her 6 years of public school she has had only one meltdown there. It does take a lot of energy for her to keep it together at school, and she takes a half hour a day decompressing in her room afterwards.

 

It has been better to have her in public school. We have a good charter school and IEP situation with her, which helps a lot. I still am disciplinarian (especially with things like hygiene), but she wants to do well in school and we no longer have that conflict between us. I am free to just be her mom, and while that's not always fun, it is good for our relationship to have room for fun, if that makes sense.

 

I don't know if that would be the case for you, if you push on and get the IEP situation straightened out. But it isn't outside the realm of possibility.

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I think you know your situation best. I can see the school's point as well as yours.

 

There are some really great parents of special needs kids who find their child's need exceed what any one environment can provide. I think if you find you are keeping your child home at the price of your own mental or physical health then it is time for a reassessment.

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I think this is a common feeling in the health community too. Its (usually) not meant to be a judgement of your ability, but many, many parents with special needs children use the PS system as respite.

 

My special needs son is 7 and has behavioral problems. We've had a lot of evaluations lately (neuropsych, PT, speech) and I've had at least one suggest part time PS in order to help me focus on homeschooling my other children unimpeded and break any behavioral cycles we get ourselves into. She's the mother of 2 special needs boys herself.

 

Regarding IEPs: PS works with a lot of different parents. While it seems weird and frustrating to us that they go so slowly, they try to only do what kids need. That means they're not taking 1 parent, 1 teacher, 1 aid workers idea of who the child is and what their challenges are. They want to see the problems and then solve them as they happen.

 

While I've been frustrated by this cycle in the past, I can admit that I would rather go the slow route than have one clueless teacher affect my son's whole IEP. Of course, my IEP team made me feel like they were listening and recording each of my concerns. The SE coordinator was very straightforward about explaining how the process works and always scheduled the next meeting so I would feel we were constantly working on the IEP until everyone was satisfied.

 

Of course we left anyway. I was confident in the IEP team, but with school cuts and increased class size I didn't feel they could work with him one-on-one. Things have not improved at home though. We do very little and I'm often overwhelmed.

 

A lot of this decision depends on a lot of little things. You. You school system. Your son's challenges. Your relationship. Your other children. I wish you the best in making this decision.

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I tend to agree with them that a bit of respite for both of you can improve the relationship, and it can be healthy for you in other ways. Being on high alert all the time regarding your child's behavior (or anything else) isn't all good. You may be so used to it that you don't notice it, but can you imagine just spending your lunch hour enjoying your lunch? Every weekday? Crazy, huh?

 

Of course, that is just one aspect to the decision whether or not to homeschool. I'm just saying it's a valid point on its own. You may still be better of homeschooling him.

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