10th grade dd would like feedback on apologetics paper

[Guest lovemychildren]

I attached a paper my daughter wrote for an apologetics competition. She is eager to get feedback to help her improve. Thanks!

Engage2012finalwtm.zip

Engage2012finalwtm.zip

[Jean in Newcastle]

A couple of comments.

 

1st paragraph: Writers are discouraged from saying "this paper is going to". . .

 

Other than that, it is well written with good grammar and spelling.

[Guest lovemychildren]

Thanks for your comments. She appreciates your feedback.

[didadeewiththree]

My goodness; I couldn't write a paper like that until I was in college! I thought it was great!

[Ester Maria]

It is a strong, well-organized paper. :)

 

Two comments & tips on how to improve:

 

1) The paper reads in some places as a bit of an awkward mix of formal and informal writing. She could render it more "academic" and more formal by avoiding judgment absolutes ("one of the most important questions ever asked") and abandoning second person for general statements (replace "you first have to understand" with "one first has to understand" or something similar). It may also be a good idea to refrain as much as possible from personal comments such as "sadly" or "thankfully".

 

2) I found the last paragraph a bit unclear - I did not understand why people would be pardoned for their sins, but it would made no difference, had the story ended before the resurrection. I think that point could be elaborated on a bit more, why resurrection specifically makes all the difference.

 

Otherwise, I would be pleased with her writing - good job. :)