Transracial Adoption -- WHY is it discouraged?

[cottonmama]

DH and I are talking about adopting sometime in the future, and I keep getting stuck on the idea that there are so many more families waiting for babies than there are babies who can be adopted. I have a sister who has struggled with infertility, so I am very sensitive to the idea of taking a baby from a woman who can't have any. (This is how I personally would feel; no judgment on fertile couples who choose to adopt babies that would easily get adopted out anyway... I just feel uncomfortable with it myself at this time.)

 

I know that not all children up for adoption are going to find a forever family, though. Many of these children are harder to adopt because they are older, and honestly with two (going on three) kids already I do not feel it is right for our family to pursue one of these adoption situations.

 

But some of these kids are harder to adopt simply because of their race. And I can kind of see why this is the case... because I keep coming up against reputable sources saying a Caucasian family like mine shouldn't adopt an African American baby. That a child with dark skin ought to grow up as a part of the African-American culture.

 

I don't get this. How is this not racism? It just doesn't seem that different from folks who speak out against biracial marriage. Sure, children born to biracial couples deal with some prejudice, but I think there's a lot less of that as it's been becoming more common. Couldn't the same thing happen with transracial adoption?

 

Why do the "experts" think that families have to look the same? :confused:

[Julie in Austin]

We have seriously considered this issue because we had African-American foster children and would have considered adopting them if given the opportunity.

 

But one thing to consider is this: every single person who meets a family where the children don't "match" the parents racially knows that the children were not born to those parents. And a percentage of them are going to then ask a stupid question or make a dumb comment. In general, I believe in ignoring idiots. The problem is that children adopted through foster care already have enough "issues" to deal with before random shoppers ask them what happened to their "real" parents. For me, it felt that it would be just one more hurdle for those kids to deal with and in an ideal world, I would have avoided exposing them to those problems.

 

That said, it isn't an ideal world and so we would have adopted them and then just done the best that we could.

 

And then the issue of removing a child from their birth culture . . . if you think a culture has any value whatsoever (and I think every culture does), then it is problematic to remove a child from it. Again, in an ideal world, we would not do that. And again, in the real world, we would have done that.

 

I was about to say "these things are not black and white," but then I realized that was a little too punny for such a serious topic.

[hana]

I could say a lot, but I just don't have time right now. I will say that some AA children don't seem troubled by having been adopted by White families, but my daughter, as wanted and waited for and adored and loved as she is by her immediate and extended adoptive family, still aches on a regular basis for family that looks like her.

 

ETA: I in no way regret adopting her, but I will always--everyday--regret that I wasn't able (family reasons) to give her a sibling that looks like her.

[cottonmama]

And then the issue of removing a child from their birth culture . . . if you think a culture has any value whatsoever (and I think every culture does), then it is problematic to remove a child from it. Again, in an ideal world, we would not do that. And again, in the real world, we would have done that.

 

But it isn't the adoptive parents that would be removing the child from the birth culture, but the birth parents. The adoptive parents are removing them from the foster culture, which I think we can agree is not a desirable culture for the child to grow up in. Not trying to disparage the birth parents, but just trying to recognize that by the time a child is up for adoption, the situation is already not going to be ideal.

[athena1277]

If birth culture is such a big deal, why allow overseas adoptions? That is really taking a child from their culture, whether they look like the adopting family or not. My best friend, who is Caucasian, adopted a African-american baby. It was open adoption and the birth parents chose my friend's family for their baby to grow up in. I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. The little girl is growing up in a very loving family. Isn't that truly what matters?

[KrissiK]

My children are all trans-racially adopted. We did not adopt from overseas, so I guess basically, their culture is the same as ours. The town we live in is predominately hispanic so they do get that cultural support, being around Hispanic people. However, there are some aspects of that culture I don't want them to pick up. Like.... teen pregnancies, which runs rampant, absent fathers, gangs - there's a huge Hispanic gang problem in our area. Huge! I mean, I look at Hispanic culture, especially around here, and I am not being racist when I say there is a lot of it I do not want them to pick up. What do people mean when they talk about culture, anyway? It's such a vague term. Is it language? Food? Values? Or just hanging out with people who have the same skin color?

[plansrme]

Is it really true that there are scads of healthy African-American or mixed-race infants in need of families in the U.S.? I hear this bandied about all of the time. I am pretty sure, however, that I read a reliable source once that said it is a myth, and that healthy infants under a year old are snatched up regardless of race.

 

Does anyone have reliable info confirming or denying this theory?

 

Terri

[cottonmama]

We did not adopt from overseas, so I guess basically, their culture is the same as ours.

 

I am actually thinking about domestic transracial adoption, too. My understanding was that it is frowned on because of the children being taken out of African American or Hispanic American culture.

 

On the Wikipedia page, someone is quoted as saying that transracial adoption of African American kids is akin to genocide. :confused:

[cottonmama]

I admit that I only got that impression from anecdotal accounts of parents on this board who had much shorter wait times when adopting transracially. I would be interested in the truth on this, too.

 

Is it really true that there are scads of healthy African-American or mixed-race infants in need of families in the U.S.? I hear this bandied about all of the time. I am pretty sure, however, that I read a reliable source once that said it is a myth, and that healthy infants under a year old are snatched up regardless of race.

 

Does anyone have reliable info confirming or denying this theory?

 

Terri

[rutamattatt]

We have adopted overseas, and for us the culture issue was and is a big one - especially for the courts over seas. Right now, my daughter wants to be "all" American - wants nothing to do with retaining her original language, culture, etc. BUT that will change, and it is our job to retain and celebrate it as a whole family and it is really, really important. (Of course, our situation is different in that we adopted an older child, and she can express her feelings and needs on this to us right now!)

 

It hasn't been my experience that it is so much "frowned upon" to adopt transracially, but that it involves much more than being "color blind" in the adoptive family. Ideally, that would be enough, but in reality I don't think it is. Not that it can't be done and done beautifully, but it takes a lot more work than that, not just because of the comments of others, but to help the child understand who they are in a cultural sense. There are some great books on transracially adopting that will help you navigate that as you make decisions for your family.

 

But you will always get comments! ;) Our daughter is of Roma descent and doesn't look at all like her fair skinned, blond haired brothers. I actually had someone ask how we got a dark skinned daughter when the rest of us were so pasty white. :001_smile: When I quietly explained that she was adopted (which she hates having pointed out), the person began whispering in front of her about her being adopted. I had to laugh. It isn't a secret to her - she was 13 when we adopted her! :lol:

 

E.T.A. If I had to guess I think the key word in infant adoption is "healthy". But that is just my guess from what I have read and heard in adoption communities. :)

Edited March 12, 2012 by rutamattatt

[stripe]

I would like to recommend the book Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?: A Parent's Guide To Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa for birth or adoptive parents in mixed-ethnic families. I also think the chapter on race (specifically, how many open minded [=non racist] white parents don't discuss race at all with their kids) and why this is a mistake and how to do it well in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman is quite good, but Nakazawa's is in more depth esp for mixed families.

 

I think the problem can be that some white parents think that racism thing is all in the past, and, since they don't deal with it, their brown kids won't either. I saw an interview on Oprah, I think, of Tom Cruise, where he said he doesn't talk to his (brown) children at all about race. The problem is, being a little cute kid holding Tom Cruise's hand is not the same as being a 16 year old teen boy profiled in a store or pulled over by police, and it is just not a long-term strategy, in my opinion. I think some white people's discomfort with race means they'd rather not talk about it, or they feel it somehow undermines the relationship with their child to do so. I think if this is the default assumption, it can be awkward for the child.

 

On the other hand, there are some adoptive (and birth) parents who go over the top in my opinion and are always talking about the skin color or ethnicity of their child ....I cringe.

[desertmum]

ETA: I in no way regret adopting her, but I will always--everyday--regret that I wasn't able (family reasons) to give her a sibling that looks like her.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about siblings looking the same. Back where I was born we are all mixed that it is not uncommon for siblings to look different. No-one sees anything strange in this. Also I personally know two families where chldren have been born from two different marriages so the siblings don't really look alike. In one case the mother was married to a caucasian man in the first marriage and a black one in the second so one sister was blonde and the other mixed. This is happening more and more nowdays.

 

My children are all trans-racially adopted. We did not adopt from overseas, so I guess basically, their culture is the same as ours. The town we live in is predominately hispanic so they do get that cultural support, being around Hispanic people. However, there are some aspects of that culture I don't want them to pick up. Like.... teen pregnancies, which runs rampant, absent fathers, gangs - there's a huge Hispanic gang problem in our area. Huge! I mean, I look at Hispanic culture, especially around here, and I am not being racist when I say there is a lot of it I do not want them to pick up. What do people mean when they talk about culture, anyway? It's such a vague term. Is it language? Food? Values? Or just hanging out with people who have the same skin color?

 

Please, do not judge all Hispanic people and their culture by the local Hispanic gang which lives in your neck of the woods. I've got no idea where the Hispanics you've met come from and or what's happened to them after moving into your area. I can assure you that in our (Hispanic) countries of origin there are plenty of old-fashioned values. Of course we have gangs in our countries, and we see them as criminals who live outside of the law -but they in no way represent our (Hispanic) culture or way of life.

[nono]

No time or inclination to try to research the most up-to-date info on this, so FWIW! :D

 

I read scads of things while preparing to adopt. A lot of the information nowadays comes from adult adoptees themselves, who provide feedback. These folks don't grow up to be mute, after all. ;) Many fish-out-of-water stories exist. Some are posted on the web. Some are published works.

 

One thing that has been noted in 1 or 2 studies (I can't recall how rigorous they were) is that to boys, it matters more to "match" the Dad. Our family stereotypically fits this, as my dd couldn't care less about having a mismatching parent, while my ds definitely likes having a Dad who is the same ethnicity.

 

Secondly, if one comes from the dominant culture, it can be hard to really identify with the minority culture and the subtle bias with which one in the minority deals. Underreaction and overreaction once becoming aware of these biases are common. Some advocates feel that a parent who's been dealing with the minority issues for a lifetime would provide a superior environment for a minority child because of the lifetime of experience.

 

As for overseas adoptions, to answer a question further along in the thread, Caucasians aren't the only people adopting from overseas, and not all children adopted from overseas are non-Caucasian. A several year old study estimated that 20-25% of the children adopted out of China were adopted by overseas Chinese (citizens of other nations). Now before everyone who ever adopted from China jumps in and tells me there were no Chinese families in their group, that's quite normal. In our group of 11 families, there were 4 of us. We requested to go together. Our agency rep said they anticipated that and bundled our paperwork together so we'd all be in the same group. The other group our agency sent that month had no idea the 4 Chinese families existed until we did our American paperwork in Guangzhou. :) There's also some small agencies that only deal with overseas Chinese. So, basically, they fly under the radar of non-Chinese reading Americans, Europeans, etc.

[stripe]

However, there are some aspects of that culture I don't want them to pick up. Like.... teen pregnancies, which runs rampant, absent fathers, gangs - there's a huge Hispanic gang problem in our area. Huge! I mean, I look at Hispanic culture, especially around here, and I am not being racist when I say there is a lot of it I do not want them to pick up. What do people mean when they talk about culture, anyway? It's such a vague term. Is it language? Food? Values? Or just hanging out with people who have the same skin color?

I have a hard time seeing pregnancy as something one "picks up." It seems to me a combination of teen sexuality + lack of birth control. One has a choice in both aspects of that equation.

 

Culture and ethnicity are not mainly about skin color. Most African Americans are not all the same shade. Most Latinos/Latinas/Hispanics are not the same shade. etc One can also have a culture when they are NOT even around many/any others from their culture, e.g. Asian brides who moved to the US post WWII.

 

I also don't think it's food or language, necessarily. I think culture is about what is important to you and through what lens(es) you see things. Things like gangs come from a variety of factors, including a sense of what it means to be a man.

[Mommie_Jen]

I've just kind of skimmed all the replies, but we are a transracial adoptive family. DH and I are pasty white, the boys are dark brown. One was adopted internationally. Was he removed from his birth country and culture? Without a doubt, yes. Did we cause that? (And this does get into ethics/supply and demand issues in adoption...) No, we did not. Now, since he was born/adopted/home, the adoption industry has EXPLODED in his birth country. I cannot recommend ethically that anyone start an infant adoption from his birth country now. It was different when we started in process in 2006. Yes, he lost his birth culture. But being in a family trumps being raised in an orphanage. Ideally, if staying in your birth family isn't an option, being in an extended birth family or family in your country is better than losing it all. Basically, we were his 3rd best option, IMO. I understand that and am ok with that.

 

Our other DS was adopted domestically. His first mom placed him with us. Although we were matched with her before his birth, she had every right to change her mind at any time in the process and we knew it. In his specific situation, things happened and it was clear that he was either going home with us or DCF, not with her. She made the decision to place him with us vs foster care.

 

It's not that it's necessarily discouraged. But it's HARD sometimes. And I'm constantly learning. People tell me they "don't see color" and are "color blind", and I know that they mean that they don't seem to judge a person by the color of their skin. However, to not see color or to be color blind can mean you automatically "whitewash" a person and discredit their experiences in life. Basically, this is what I said to my BIL when I tried to explain it. (And he didn't get it.)

*You say that you don't see color. I think what you mean is that you don't judge a person by their color or apply preconceived notions about a certain race to one person of that race. Fine. However, to not see color means that you, in fact, "whitewash" everyone else, it means that you don't acknowledge that their life experience is vastly different than yours. There is nothing wrong, and it is NOT a racist action, to acknowledge that someone is a different color than you.*

 

Racism isn't a thing of the past. Outright racial hate isn't as common as it once was, but the subtle stuff, the everyday issues that I have to raise my boys to face, is intimidating. My boys are cute now at their young ages. But as teens, they will seem threatening to some.

 

The comments are less now than what they once were. My kids get a lot of attention and we are remembered and recognized all over town (because we are 1 of a small but growing handful of transracial families). I get grilled about their adoptions a lot, about why they were placed, etc. The older I get, the older the boys get, and the farther along I am in this journey, the more I firmly but politely don't answer those questions. It's no one's business. Period.

 

Adoption agencies want your business. They want your money. They will tell you that AA babies are harder to place. I don't know if that is as true as it once was. Many will promise shorter waits for those wanting AA babies, but that's certainly no guarantee. We were actively waiting for a match for a year, then it was another 3 months before he was born. Being matched just depends on so many things, not just what race you are or the child is.

[SKL]

I adopted transracially (internationally). I was aware that this would create issues for my children in that they would have to deal with looking different and having a different background compared to their peers. However, this is different from AA adoption because there is no local "culture" that my kids would be expected to belong to other than my culture. I chose not to pursue AA adoption because I felt that I was not personally up to the task of helping my child to work through the issues unique to that kind of adoption. That is, being raised by one group while going to school with kids (both white and black) who assume / expect him to fit in with the other group, particularly as he would no doubt be subjected to some of the cruelest racism in this country today.

 

This is not to say that no non-AA parent(s) can be capable of that. I just felt that "I" was not. And when it comes to making this big of a decision, it is most important to look at yourself honestly. I am 100%certain there are white parents of AA children who have done a super job. I do not think I would have, however, and it would not have been right for me to put a child through that just to prove I am not racist or selfish or whatever.

[Beth.]

Is it really true that there are scads of healthy African-American or mixed-race infants in need of families in the U.S.? I hear this bandied about all of the time. I am pretty sure, however, that I read a reliable source once that said it is a myth, and that healthy infants under a year old are snatched up regardless of race.

 

This is not true. There are virtually no stastics on US domestic infant adoption though, so it is hard to prove one way or the other. Generally, couples open on race adopt quicker than those waiting for a Caucasian and/or Hispanic baby, but not always. When we started our adoption journey in 2007, it was cheaper and faster to adopt AA infant boys in some programs. That seems to have changed in most areas. The situations I see agencies advertising for families usually have significant drug/alcohol exposure and/or really high fees. I don't see agencies begging for families hoping to adopt healthy kids of any race or gender. I do see agencies trying hard to recruit families with even one AA/biracial parent because moms making adoption plans for their babies are requesting it.

 

OP - If you browse through adoption agencies that have online listings, you will see that a majority of families waiting to adopt babies are white. Since we know that both white and black kids are placed for adoption, someone has to adopt them. If your (white) family doesn't adopt a baby, some other (probably white) family will adopt that baby. Do your research and be honest with yourself with what you can handle. If you do your research and make a commitment to living as a multi-face family, you can do it.

 

We were open on race for our first adoption. DD#1 looks exactly like me. When we were adopting #2, we decided to be open on race (hard decision). However, we knew if #2 was AA or biracial, we would adopt a third child AA or biracial only. We did not want one of our kids to stick out as "the adopted one" when any/all of our kids would have been adopted. Just my experience, not saying that anyone else's decisions are right or wrong.

 

Another thought (sorry to ramble), with most infant placements in the US, mom is choosing the family. Please do not think that is taking away a baby from a woman who can't have children. That's a simple fact of life -- some women can't have babies. That does not mean that there should be another woman out there that "should give her a baby" or that you should feel guilty for adopting a baby. If you want to adopt a baby, adopt a baby. No guilt. :)

[Murmer]

Is it really true that there are scads of healthy African-American or mixed-race infants in need of families in the U.S.? I hear this bandied about all of the time. I am pretty sure, however, that I read a reliable source once that said it is a myth, and that healthy infants under a year old are snatched up regardless of race.

 

Does anyone have reliable info confirming or denying this theory?

 

Terri

 

Last summer I was talking to a director of an adoption agency in Utah at a play group for transracially adopted children. At the time they had 2 or 3 harder to place babies (black, male, drug/alcohol use, mental illness) and while they were considered harder to place she told me that no baby that is placed for adoption does not get placed with a family. There are so many families searching for babies that are open to more than the perfect, white, female (the most sought after according to said director). So yes a myth but it is still harder to place African-American children then Caucasian babies.

 

I think the reason that transracial adoption is discouraged is because if a family hasn't really thought about what it means to be transracial, if they haven't actually considered the effect of a black child being raised outside of the black community by people who do not have even a small clue about what it is like to be black, it can be much much harder. You can't just adopt a black child and say they are in my family now so I will raise them like a white child because the rest of the world sees them as black. I have heard many stories of security guards following black teens in a store...but walking away as soon as white mom shows up to said teen. Teen wasn't doing anything wrong except shopping while black. Or the recent story of the black teen walking home from the store to his house in a gated white community that was shot dead by the neighborhood watch person for being suspicious...because black kids don't walk around that neighborhood. Black children getting put in the noncollege prep track in high school...until white parents show up.

These experiences are still happening and white parents have to be able to prepare their black child for racism when many white parents have never experienced racism. Black parents for the most part have and they pass on the things that they have learned ie from a friend of mine when a police officer pulls over her husband he makes sure to place his hands on top of the steering wheel at all times because he is black. I know that is not in my driving lessons. But they do that because it is safer for them because sadly people think that black men are more violent and may pull a gun on the officer.

All that said...I am a mom to 2 black children and we are in the process of doing it again. I will never ever want a white child to join my family (mostly because I never want to have a stupid person come up to my family and say Oh are they adopted while pointing to my black children when all of my children are adopted). I love my transracial family. I love the new world I have entered into where I am more aware of race and racism but also more open to knowing people of all cultures and races than ever before. It is an incredible thing but it is not and probably will not ever be the easiest thing in my life.

[KrissiK]

Please, do not judge all Hispanic people and their culture by the local Hispanic gang which lives in your neck of the woods. I've got no idea where the Hispanics you've met come from and or what's happened to them after moving into your area. I can assure you that in our (Hispanic) countries of origin there are plenty of old-fashioned values. Of course we have gangs in our countries, and we see them as criminals who live outside of the law -but they in no way represent our (Hispanic) culture or way of life.

 

I don't and I didn't say that I do. This is the case where we live and this is what we deal with. This is a "culture" in our town and general area. However, with that being said, there are also some very fine Hispanic families in our town as well. A lot of hard working people from the old-country live here, too. As well as people who have grown up here and gotten an education and are middle class. But, when you look at them, aside from their skin color, they live just like we do. In fact, they live down the street. So, what's the difference between them and us besides skin color? They eat McDonald's, we eat McDonalds. We wear the same clothes, drive the same cars, live in the same neighborhood. Plus, there are a lot of trans-racial marriages. I'm not saying we're the same, but culturally, we are. So, when people talk about "culture", I guess I just don't understand what that means. Really. Can someone give me a definition because I see race/skin color and culture being used inter-changeably and I don't really think that you can do that. So, when "you" (this is the collective "you" as in people) talk about raising trans-racial children, what you're really talking about is skin color not culture. Because I don't see any one race having the corner on old-fashioned values. Or kindness. Or hard-work. Or valuing education. Or religion. Or any of that. I agree, when you adopt trans-racially you cannot be color blind. We do talk to our kids about their skin color, it's out there.

[Ellie]

I am actually thinking about domestic transracial adoption, too. My understanding was that it is frowned on because of the children being taken out of African American or Hispanic American culture.

It seems to me that if the "African American" children are multiple generations in the U.S., then isn't the U.S. their culture? Ditto with Hispanic (or Latino?)?

 

On the Wikipedia page, someone is quoted as saying that transracial adoption of African American kids is akin to genocide. :confused:

:confused:

 

I suppose there could be a discussion about the term "African American." Who even knows if all dark-skinned children have an *African* heritage? And why aren't there African British (English?)?

[cottonmama]

It seems to me that if the "African American" children are multiple generations in the U.S., then isn't the U.S. their culture? Ditto with Hispanic (or Latino?)?

 

 

:confused:

 

I think the idea is that if I raised an African American child, he or she would "act white" -- talk differently from other black kids, listen to different music, dress differently, etc. And I know this can be a source of ridicule in the black community. So I can see that there would be some issues there, but I don't necessarily see it as a wrong committed against the child. Different does not mean bad...

[Ellie]

I think the idea is that if I raised an African American child, he or she would "act white" -- talk differently from other black kids, listen to different music, dress differently, etc. And I know this can be a source of ridicule in the black community. So I can see that there would be some issues there, but I don't necessarily see it as a wrong committed against the child. Different does not mean bad...

Exactly.

 

And somehow that seems...not right...that a child would talk "different" from other children of his same race. That doesn't make them more "African," somehow more connected to their phyiscal heritage, KWIM? That kind of music and speech and whatnot has nothing to do with anyone's actual "heritage." It's a subculture that isn't necessarily a positive thing.

Edited March 12, 2012 by Ellie

[Haiku]

 

Why do the "experts" think that families have to look the same? :confused:

 

It's not that simple, and that's not what they really think. That's a catch-phrase, but it's reductionist.

 

The reason that transracial adoption (and here I will speak of black/white, since that's my experience) is not encouraged as much as same-race adoption is because it is harder for black kids to fit in if they are raised in majority-white families. They are black, so they deal with racism from white people, but they are culturally white, so they deal with guff from black people. Not with everyone they meet, of course, and the experience varies somewhat according to region, but in general it's harder for black kids in white adoptive families to find their social and cultural niche.

 

My dd17 goes to a majority-black school. She is constantly asked whether she is Indian, Latino, or mixed because she is not culturally black/African-American, and it shows. She talks and dresses differently and has different expectations for her eventual success in life. She is accused of "acting white," and a lot of black teenagers take a lot of offense to that and consider it "uppity." Historically, it's no different than the "uppity Negro" idea (think of Jack Johnson).

 

I, obviously, think transracial adoption is ok and that kids can be happy in loving families of a different race. But there are issues to deal with, certainly, that go even above and beyond regular adoption issues.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

I have a hard time seeing pregnancy as something one "picks up." It seems to me a combination of teen sexuality + lack of birth control.

 

Some of it has to do with the expectations a child is raised with. I know that at dd's school, many of the girls don't see a teenage pregnancy as a problem because someone in their extended family network will care for the child. Black Americans have children outside marriage at a higher rate than white Americans do, so there is not as much of a stigma, and many of these girls have the expectation that they will be young mothers. And many of them, unfortunately, don't see going to college or having a career (as opposed to a job) as a possibility, so being a teen mom is not a big deal. Sadly, this is true even at my dd's school, which is for kids who would not get into college without intensive intervention. These kids are there BECAUSE they want to get to college. But they are still fatalistic about teen pregnancy.

 

It seems to me that if the "African American" children are multiple generations in the U.S., then isn't the U.S. their culture?

 

Sort-of, but many black families have a different dialect, eat different foods, listen to different music, dress differently, and live in different neighborhoods than white families. There are definitely differences between many black and white families.

 

Tara

[mykdsmomy]

Is it really true that there are scads of healthy African-American or mixed-race infants in need of families in the U.S.? I hear this bandied about all of the time. I am pretty sure, however, that I read a reliable source once that said it is a myth, and that healthy infants under a year old are snatched up regardless of race.

 

Does anyone have reliable info confirming or denying this theory?

 

Terri

 

We live in Los Angeles County which has the highest % of foster children in the US. I can tell you that our agency turned down 15 calls for African American children last week due to not having enough homes.

Every. Single. Night. there are children (babies included as we've gotten a few placements this way) that were not able to be placed in a foster home and are taking up to "command post" in LA to wait for either a group home or hopefully a foster home.

 

The tricky part is, many of these kiddos are not immediately ready for adoption as in Ca., parental rights are not terminated until an adoptive family is identified. So most of the children (including newborn infants) who are potentially adoptable, do not present such a cut and dry case. (hopefully that makes sense).

 

As for the transracial adoption issue, we adopted our son who is AA, my husband is hispanic and I'm caucasian...our birth children range from super fair skin like me, to darker skin like my MIL. People always ask "which one is adopted?" :001_huh: (rude!)

 

Even in families with all biological children, if the parents are transracial, then you're going to probably have questions.

 

I understand the importance of exposing your adopted child to their "culture" if it differs from yours....however, I wouldn't know where to begin in exposing my son to his culture. Let me explain: His bio mom was black but we don't know what his father was. I say "black" because honestly, we don't know if she was AA or creole or ?? I think it would be nearly offensive to purposefully expose him to random AA people in the hopes of him getting to know his "culture". It would be like a child from the US (say Ca where we live) being adopted by say an Ethiopian couple (yes, I realize it sounds bizarre) but then the Ethiopian couple taking that child to Alabama to expose him to "his culture"....it just wouldn't make sense, yk? I truly hope I'm explaining this right :001_huh:

[mamalbh]

I haven't posted in quite awhile but felt I should reply to this.

 

(FYI - I, along with many black friends, do no care for the term African-American. I don't have to walk around saying I'm European-American or German-American, I'm an American who's white, my friends and siblings are Americans who are black.)

 

I have a black brother who is 16mo older, and a bi-racial sister who is 10mo older. My parents and I are white. I am the bio child they were told would never happen :-) My comments pertain to a US adoption.

 

Your two main considerations need to be where you live and your entire group of family and friends.

 

Is the area you live in racially diverse? The area we grew up in was almost all white, my siblings were teased for their color and occasionally came across outright racist people. My sister was somewhat lucky in that all the other little girls were fascinated with her curly hair, so she was a novelty to them. She was always very popular. My brother had a harder time, but he also has mental health issues & LDs due to his bio-mom's drug use.

 

When I was in 4th grade or so, my mother sent us to a summer program in an all black area. I was the only white kid out of about one hundred. It was both a horrible & wonderful experience. Right off the bat, I had kids teasing me and picking fights, I even had a girl walk up and punch me for no reason. I made some friends, mostly kids considered outcasts by the others, but most did not want me there. Even though I was young, I got it, and was not upset at the way I was treated. I had seen what my siblings had gone through in an all white area, how they were treated badly just for their color. I was thankful to get a glimpse of what its like to be the only one to look different. Even if everyone had treated me well, I still would have felt like the odd man out.

 

All that to say it IS very important that you live in a racially diverse area, that they can see there are others that look like them, and that can relate to their experiences. When we were around 6th grade we moved to a much more racially diverse area, and it was good for all of us.

 

 

How will your relatives & friends treat a child of a different race?

For the most part, everyone in our extended family was very accepting of my siblings. There were a few issues that deeply bothered ME - it didn't seem to bother my siblings as much - things like people using sayings like"n***er rigging." I think it helped that around the same time my parents adopted my siblings, my grandma was adopting an American Indian girl (she prefers just 'Indian' but I wanted to clarify.)

When we all got together we called ourselves the rainbow tribe, we had black, brown, red & white. We really wanted someone to adopt an Asian :tongue_smilie:

 

I have seen where the extended family & even family friends won't treat an adopted child of a different race as though he/she belongs, it is sometimes subtle, so one really needs to watch for it. It is truly heart breaking when people allow this to happen, which brings me to this - If family / friends won't treat your adopted child the same as the others are you willing to stop seeing them?

 

Just for fun - a pic of my sibs and I when we were little...

[Mommie_Jen]

It's not that simple, and that's not what they really think. That's a catch-phrase, but it's reductionist.

 

The reason that transracial adoption (and here I will speak of black/white, since that's my experience) is not encouraged as much as same-race adoption is because it is harder for black kids to fit in if they are raised in majority-white families. They are black, so they deal with racism from white people, but they are culturally white, so they deal with guff from black people. Not with everyone they meet, of course, and the experience varies somewhat according to region, but in general it's harder for black kids in white adoptive families to find their social and cultural niche.

 

My dd17 goes to a majority-black school. She is constantly asked whether she is Indian, Latino, or mixed because she is not culturally black/African-American, and it shows. She talks and dresses differently and has different expectations for her eventual success in life. She is accused of "acting white," and a lot of black teenagers take a lot of offense to that and consider it "uppity." Historically, it's no different than the "uppity Negro" idea (think of Jack Johnson).

 

I, obviously, think transracial adoption is ok and that kids can be happy in loving families of a different race. But there are issues to deal with, certainly, that go even above and beyond regular adoption issues.

 

Tara

 

Yes. Very well said.

[desertmum]

I don't and I didn't say that I do. This is the case where we live and this is what we deal with. This is a "culture" in our town and general area. However, with that being said, there are also some very fine Hispanic families in our town as well. A lot of hard working people from the old-country live here, too. As well as people who have grown up here and gotten an education and are middle class. But, when you look at them, aside from their skin color, they live just like we do. In fact, they live down the street. So, what's the difference between them and us besides skin color? They eat McDonald's, we eat McDonalds. We wear the same clothes, drive the same cars, live in the same neighborhood. Plus, there are a lot of trans-racial marriages. I'm not saying we're the same, but culturally, we are. So, when people talk about "culture", I guess I just don't understand what that means. Really. Can someone give me a definition because I see race/skin color and culture being used inter-changeably and I don't really think that you can do that. So, when "you" (this is the collective "you" as in people) talk about raising trans-racial children, what you're really talking about is skin color not culture. Because I don't see any one race having the corner on old-fashioned values. Or kindness. Or hard-work. Or valuing education. Or religion. Or any of that. I agree, when you adopt trans-racially you cannot be color blind. We do talk to our kids about their skin color, it's out there.

 

I know what you mean. Race is the proverbial "Elephant in the room"

We have explained to ds that people have different skin colours based on where they or their ancestors come from i.e. darker skin people come from sunny climates (insert scientific explanation here). We have talked about how skin colour has nothing to do with what people are, what they do for a living, whether they are rich or poor, well educated or not. We are lucky he's got friends of different ethnic backgrounds (but same nationality) so he can appreciate skin colour is not tied up to culture.

 

I think the idea is that if I raised an African American child, he or she would "act white" -- talk differently from other black kids, listen to different music, dress differently, etc. And I know this can be a source of ridicule in the black community. So I can see that there would be some issues there, but I don't necessarily see it as a wrong committed against the child. Different does not mean bad...

 

:iagree:

[nono]

There's definitely different definitions of a culture based upon one's ethnicity and socio-economic class. Even in America. A black child raised by an upper class white family still won't have free access to the black upper class without the white family's clear understanding of that culture. And maybe not even then.

[Mommie_Jen]

I haven't posted in quite awhile but felt I should reply to this.

 

(FYI - I, along with many black friends, do no care for the term African-American. I don't have to walk around saying I'm European-American or German-American, I'm an American who's white, my friends and siblings are Americans who are black.)

 

I have a black brother who is 16mo older, and a bi-racial sister who is 10mo older. My parents and I are white. I am the bio child they were told would never happen :-) My comments pertain to a US adoption.

 

Your two main considerations need to be where you live and your entire group of family and friends.

 

Is the area you live in racially diverse? The area we grew up in was almost all white, my siblings were teased for their color and occasionally came across outright racist people. My sister was somewhat lucky in that all the other little girls were fascinated with her curly hair, so she was a novelty to them. She was always very popular. My brother had a harder time, but he also has mental health issues & LDs due to his bio-mom's drug use.

 

When I was in 4th grade or so, my mother sent us to a summer program in an all black area. I was the only white kid out of about one hundred. It was both a horrible & wonderful experience. Right off the bat, I had kids teasing me and picking fights, I even had a girl walk up and punch me for no reason. I made some friends, mostly kids considered outcasts by the others, but most did not want me there. Even though I was young, I got it, and was not upset at the way I was treated. I had seen what my siblings had gone through in an all white area, how they were treated badly just for their color. I was thankful to get a glimpse of what its like to be the only one to look different. Even if everyone had treated me well, I still would have felt like the odd man out.

 

All that to say it IS very important that you live in a racially diverse area, that they can see there are others that look like them, and that can relate to their experiences. When we were around 6th grade we moved to a much more racially diverse area, and it was good for all of us.

 

 

How will your relatives & friends treat a child of a different race?

For the most part, everyone in our extended family was very accepting of my siblings. There were a few issues that deeply bothered ME - it didn't seem to bother my siblings as much - things like people using sayings like"n***er rigging." I think it helped that around the same time my parents adopted my siblings, my grandma was adopting an American Indian girl (she prefers just 'Indian' but I wanted to clarify.)

When we all got together we called ourselves the rainbow tribe, we had black, brown, red & white. We really wanted someone to adopt an Asian :tongue_smilie:

 

I have seen where the extended family & even family friends won't treat an adopted child of a different race as though he/she belongs, it is sometimes subtle, so one really needs to watch for it. It is truly heart breaking when people allow this to happen, which brings me to this - If family / friends won't treat your adopted child the same as the others are you willing to stop seeing them?

 

Just for fun - a pic of my sibs and I when we were little...

 

My stars. I love that sib pic! You all look so sweet and joyful! Yes, we've had to call out multiple family members on DH's side for sly comments. We don't see them much anymore.

[cottonmama]

(FYI - I, along with many black friends, do no care for the term African-American. I don't have to walk around saying I'm European-American or German-American, I'm an American who's white, my friends and siblings are Americans who are black.)

 

My apologies. As a child I was taught that African-American was the most respectful term, and although I've read as an adult that black folks prefer the term black, I just can't get over having been taught as a child that it's disrespectful. I guess I'm going to have to get comfortable with it, especially if I adopt a black child. :tongue_smilie:

[cottonmama]

There's definitely different definitions of a culture based upon one's ethnicity and socio-economic class. Even in America. A black child raised by an upper class white family still won't have free access to the black upper class without the white family's clear understanding of that culture. And maybe not even then.

 

 

Why? :confused: Isn't a good job the ticket to the upper-class? What makes upper-class-black culture (which I can't provide) get a black man a good job (or advancement, or whatever), when upper-class-white culture would fail him? Not trying to be controversial, just trying to understand. This sounds important, but you seem to be saying it is out of reach...

Edited March 12, 2012 by cottonmama

[Danestress]

Why? :confused: Isn't a good job the ticket to the upper-class? What makes upper-class-black culture (which I can't provide) get a black man a good job (or advancement, or whatever), when upper-class-white culture would fail him? Not trying to be controversial, just trying to understand. This sounds important, but you seem to be saying it is out of reach...

 

culture isn't all about getting a good job. I don't think anyone is saying that if you adopted a son, he wouldn't get as good of a job as he would if raised in a black family. There is a lot more handed down in any culture than how to get ahead financially. Do you honestly not think that there is anything a black man could teach his son about being black in America that a white Dad couldn't teach him?

[SKL]

Why? :confused: Isn't a good job the ticket to the upper-class? What makes upper-class-black culture (which I can't provide) get a black man a good job (or advancement, or whatever), when upper-class-white culture would fail him? Not trying to be controversial, just trying to understand. This seems important, but you seem to be saying it is out of reach...

 

No, I'm not sure a good job is the ticket to the upper class of any race. I'm white and I've been a high-level professional but still found it very hard to fit in (frankly to any social group other than transplants), because social background is more important than money in many ways. Even if I have money, I cannot bear the thought of spending it on some of the things that others of my "economic standing" visibly spend on. Can't discuss certain things either without coming across as from another planet. It gets better with more exposure, but as a young professional, I was a mess.

[hana]

Exactly.

 

That kind of music and speech and whatnot has nothing to do with anyone's actual "heritage."

 

 

This is not true.

[Danestress]

..

 

Sorry. I was thinking that response was from the OP.

[stripe]

Why? :confused: Isn't a good job the ticket to the upper-class? What makes upper-class-black culture (which I can't provide) get a black man a good job (or advancement, or whatever), when upper-class-white culture would fail him? Not trying to be controversial, just trying to understand. This sounds important, but you seem to be saying it is out of reach...

 

I think it means friends and comfort level, not a high paying job.

[SKL]

Frankly, I would assume that a black child raised by white parents would not ultimately "join" the black "community" as we think of it. He'd more likely be more or less accepted in the white culture. And he'd probably be more or less OK with that - eventually. But along the way, he will be exposed to many conflicting ideas, some nice and some not so nice, and he'll internalize some of both kinds. Parents need to accept that going in. That's on top of the fact that his bio parents didn't/couldn't parent him for whatever reason, that he'll miss getting to know his bio roots, that that he'll always stand out physically in the family, and other issues all adoptees face to a greater or lesser extent.

 

A thought was mentioned before about making sure the child has at least one other family member who "looks like him." I also felt this was important. For this reason, I adopted two kids from the same country. So no matter what the adoption-related issue of the day happens to be, there will always be someone close who is going through / has gone through the same thing.

[cottonmama]

Do you honestly not think that there is anything a black man could teach his son about being black in America that a white Dad couldn't teach him?

 

I thought the quote I was referring to was just about upper-class-ness. Maybe I just misread it? I thought nono was saying that a black person has to act different from a white person to be successful financially (to get into the upper class). Now that I reread it I can see that the focus was on culture.

 

Still, I guess my question through all of this is... are these issues of hurt that the parent should be prepared to deal with? Or is it more than that... does a white parent need to provide black culture? Or are you (I guess both you and nono) saying that isn't even possible? If a parent is super-pasty-white culturally but has black friends is that good enough?

 

All these questions are meant seriously, sorry if my stress is coming through, I just feel like statements like this are saying white parents aren't good enough for black kids....

[MSNative]

Frankly, I would assume that a black child raised by white parents would not ultimately "join" the black "community" as we think of it. He'd more likely be more or less accepted in the white culture. And he'd probably be more or less OK with that - eventually..

 

 

I am learning a lot in this thread and thank all of you for sharing. It does raise questions - why does one have to pick a culture? Will we ever have a "color doesn't matter values do" society? Is that even desirable? I think it was a goal at one point - measure a man by the content of his heart, brain, actions, not his color or neighborhood. I'm not talking about celebrating your heritage and being proud of your family - or is that what people mean when they say culture?

Confused, can you tell? Anyway, I love that this thread is raising these questions and making me think - albeit not clearly.

[stripe]

I really encourage you to read Nakazawa's book I referenced earlier. She is a white woman married to a Japanese American (I think, not an immigrant) man, and she has two kids. One "looks" more Asian, the other looks more white.

[SKL]

Still, I guess my question through all of this is... are these issues of hurt that the parent should be prepared to deal with? Or is it more than that... does a white parent need to provide black culture? Or are you (I guess both you and nono) saying that isn't even possible? If a parent is super-pasty-white culturally but has black friends is that good enough?

 

All these questions are meant seriously, sorry if my stress is coming through, I just feel like statements like this are saying white parents aren't good enough for black kids....

 

These are the questions you should be asking. As I said before and as others have observed, a white parent can do a great job of raising a black child. BUT you can't go into it naively, thinking that any of these very real issues are irrelevant if only you love and accept the child enough. They may be irrelevant to most Americans, but they are not irrelevant to a black child growing up in the USA. If this makes you very uncomfortable, maybe AA adoption is not for you. If you deny it, AA adoption probably is not for you. But if you see this reality as a challenge you are willing to take on, then maybe it's perfect for you.

[jujsky]

I don't think it should be discouraged, but if this is something you're considering, you do need to be realistic about it. There are a lot of jerks out there. Also, there is a real possibility your child will struggle with their identity at some point (common with adopted children, but the race issue may possibly add another layer to it).

[Danestress]

though I am fascinated by the discussion.

 

I think there are really there are really two questions here:

 

(1) Are there cultural/heritage/experience based things that a black parent can offer a black child and a white parent might not be able to offer?

 

(2) How important are those things and do they outweigh all the other benefits of an adoption.

 

The thing is, most of us think our children are totally awesome and no one is 'good enough' to raise them. I often wonder why God let me raise my kids. They are so much better than I am - smart, beautiful, easy, fun. So I am not sure you will ever always feel totally equipped to raise your kids. Black or white, adopted or bio. You will always be aware of your shortcomings for each child.

 

Maybe with adopted black kids, you are just more painfully aware of some of your lackings. But that doesn't mean someone else should be raising them. It's true you can't pass on some cultural information yourself that they will really very likely need. Being black in America is complicated.

 

But you will probably be better as a parent to that child if you are aware of that lack and try to figure out how to prepare for and then meet those needs then if you just dig in and insist that there is no black culture, there is no value in anything special black parents would pass on to their black children, there is no special wisdom that a black parent might have.

[cottonmama]

I really encourage you to read Nakazawa's book I referenced earlier. She is a white woman married to a Japanese American (I think, not an immigrant) man, and she has two kids. One "looks" more Asian, the other looks more white.

 

I've been reading the intro on Amazon and will see if I can get a copy. :-)

[Ruby Rose]

Sorry but I didn't read all the other post but I wanted to give my prospective. I have 2 birth children that are Caucasian/Asian. With my very Asian-looking DD I am asked ALL THE TIME if she is adopted. It used to bug me but now that I run with a crowd that has many adopted children in it, it doesn't bother me. I have a friend who is as white as they come and her 3 mixed children look very AA. Two other friends who are AA with Caucasian spouses have very tan children. Another caucasian/asian family have very white looking children. I have frends who are both white and they STILL get asked if their child is adopted because she looks nothing like them! Seriously! Genetics are crazy and you never know what you are going to get.

 

We plan to adopt. I was turned away by private US adoption agencies because we had children and were able to have more! There are no shortages on families for babies (which is what private agencies service). Our only options were DHS Foster to adopt or international. We were very close to adopting from Uganda but the bottom fell out for us job wise and financially this year. Not sure what God has in store for us but we will follow his lead.

 

ETA I am so thankful for our HS group. We are such a diverse group. We have every race or mix of race out there so our children learn that family comes in all blends of colors.

Edited March 12, 2012 by Ruby Sue

[Murmer]

Frankly, I would assume that a black child raised by white parents would not ultimately "join" the black "community" as we think of it. He'd more likely be more or less accepted in the white culture.

 

The problem is that a black child regardless of their family make up will not be able to join the white culture, because they are black. There is a history in this country of racism, prejudice and white privilege that a black person, even raised by white people cannot overcome based merely on their parentage. While many advances have come and many more are coming this country is still very black and white with regard to race. There may be less overt racism but prejudice and institutional racism are still occurring...white parents are only good when they are around but when they are not their child is like any other black child in most people's eyes good or bad.

Reading books like the pursuit of happyness and the color of water and life is so good and other biographies I have noticed that black parents teach their children how to function so as to not draw attention to themselves because the culture just 30 years was highly dangerous for blacks, a white parent would not know how to do it unless they educate themselves and are willing to step outside their comfort zone.

[SKL]

The problem is that a black child regardless of their family make up will not be able to join the white culture, because they are black.

 

I don't think it is this black and white. I do believe that when he's introduced to new people, they will always notice his color and view him as an oddity to some degree, until they get to know him. I don't agree that he "will not be able to join the white culture." He won't be treated exactly like a white person out in "society," all other things remaining equal, but that is not the same thing IMO.

 

I do think this can depend on where the family lives and at what social/economic level. Honestly, I think the working class level would be the hardest in this respect. People who have it tough themselves are often glad to find another person upon whom to dump the negativity.

[mamakelly]

Is it really true that there are scads of healthy African-American or mixed-race infants in need of families in the U.S.?

 

I think it depends on where you live. I did respite care for foster babies in Souther California several years ago. There were so many foster babies it was unbelieveable. About 50% of them went back to their family of origin, and 50% were adopted. Not all of them were mixed race, but many of them were. There were days that our local intake center could hold no more children. Plenty of babies and toddlers that were adopted, were not adopted by similar races families. It's really no big deal here in So. California, we see mixed families all the time.

 

We have several non profit agencies that place foster kids for the county. I have 2 friends with foster babies from non-profit agencies. There's a lot more support and such for the foster parents with non profit agencies, than in the county system. You might look into it and see if there is anything like it near you. http://www.angelsfoster.org/

[Ellie]

This is not true.

It may or may not be "true" depending on what one's heritigage really is.

 

Rap music (or whatever the current jargon is) is not anyone's "heritage." It's...I don't even know what it is, but it is certainly not anyone's "heritage." A child whose ancestors come from another country could surely do research to find out where his ancestors came from, and learn about the culture there, but the kind of "music" (because there's lots of stuff that doesn't really count as "music," IMHO) that is played on boom boxes--you know what I'm talking about--is not anyone's "heritage."