ravinlunachick Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 How do you do it? I'm really having a tough time with a decision right now, and I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. DS enjoys being the girls' room with them. He (finally!) plays with them and likes to be around them. The problem is that he destroys their room while he's in there. He tears all the covers off the bed, throws down stuffed animals from the doll hammock, and lately has begun knocking books off shelves. He does play with the dolls and covers, but it makes such a huge mess in the meantime that the girls can't walk or play. My oldest daughter has asked if she can please start locking her door so ds can't get in. For the time being, I've said no, but I did tell her to let me know immediately if he starts making a big mess, so we can interrupt the behavior and try to get it to stop. DS adores his sisters, and he cries and gets really upset when he can't play with them. I am very sensitive to sending him the message that he's not wanted, as it's one I got a lot as a child. However, when I step back a little, I wonder if that's not fair to dd. She deserves her own space, and to her credit, she does normally try to keep the room nice and neat. I feel like she ought to be able to have a peaceful spot of her own, kwim? I'm just having trouble finding the balancing spot here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie of KY Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 I think I might make a bedroom off limits. However, I would say that at certain times of the day the girls must play with him - in his room, family room, outside, wherever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 How do you do it? I'm really having a tough time with a decision right now, and I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. DS enjoys being the girls' room with them. He (finally!) plays with them and likes to be around them. The problem is that he destroys their room while he's in there. .... Yes, I know what you mean. I've faced similar problems from nuero-typical toddlers. I have a large family, and to one degree or another, all my younger children went through this stage. All my older children have had these types of things happen to them at some point. Right now, my 2 yo daughter shares a room with her sisters, and it's tough! We limit what we keep in that bedroom and put child-proofed locks on their closet. We keep toddlers out of bedrooms that aren't theirs, unless they are specifically invited in. You might look into ways to keep many of their personal posessions out of sight to minimize the temptation to pull down toys and books. Only about 1/3 of the children's toys are available to them, while the rest are put away in a storage closet, (we rotate which toys about every few months.) Our bookshelves are blocked by another piece of furniture--but what I'd really like to have are cabinet doors for all the book cases. Also, it really helps to develop a minimalist attitude. There's less mess with less! I was going to say that you don't have to feel guilty about keeping your ds out of your dd's bedroom, but if he has no one else to play with and you want him to develop greater social skills, then I suggest investing in some out-of sight storage solutions for your dd's bedroom. For her sake, make it seem like an exciting re-decorating project. She shouldn't have to put up with her brother walking into her room and destroying it any time he feels like it; however, the balance may be found by making it less tempting for him to destroy the room, encouraging her to be generous with her brother while respecting her right to not have her things destroyed and rewarding her for her acts of generosity and kindness towards her brother. BTW, my dh has a brother with autism and they shared a room growing up. My husband is a great guy and a very generous man--and credit his brother with a lot of that.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 How do you do it? I'm really having a tough time with a decision right now, and I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. DS enjoys being the girls' room with them. He (finally!) plays with them and likes to be around them. The problem is that he destroys their room while he's in there. He tears all the covers off the bed, throws down stuffed animals from the doll hammock, and lately has begun knocking books off shelves. He does play with the dolls and covers, but it makes such a huge mess in the meantime that the girls can't walk or play. My oldest daughter has asked if she can please start locking her door so ds can't get in. For the time being, I've said no, but I did tell her to let me know immediately if he starts making a big mess, so we can interrupt the behavior and try to get it to stop. DS adores his sisters, and he cries and gets really upset when he can't play with them. I am very sensitive to sending him the message that he's not wanted, as it's one I got a lot as a child. However, when I step back a little, I wonder if that's not fair to dd. She deserves her own space, and to her credit, she does normally try to keep the room nice and neat. I feel like she ought to be able to have a peaceful spot of her own, kwim? I'm just having trouble finding the balancing spot here. Your child with autism may have a need to be with his sisters, but he doesn't have a need to tear up their room. He has a need to learn to play without tearing up. So I don't see this as being a conflict between needs of TD kid and needs of your ds. I think she should be able to lock her room if you (or perhaps a teenaged mother's helper type person) are not available to be in there and monitor his play. I am involved in a play group at our church that is for kids with autism and children who are TD. There is a 1: 3 ratio of adults to children so that there can be proactive guidance or immediate intervention so that the play stays as successful as possible. This helps the kids with autism learn new behaviors and helps the TD kids to keep wanting to return because they are having fun. Having the TD kids involved is super helpful with role-modeling. I understand that you may need downtime, too, and may not be able to provide the supervision, but I do think it's fair to both of them to ensure that their play time is a good experience for both of them. If you do need down time, you might consider hiring a babysitter for a short time a few times a week to monitor them and provide guidance and quick intervention according to your guidelines. (Not that you wouldn't be home, but wouldn't have to be in the room.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravinlunachick Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Thank you all so much for the good advice! school17777 and Julie of KY, I like the idea of dd making a special effort to play with ds elsewhere. She likes going in ds's room anyway, because he has a swing in there. Unfortunately, the swing is also the source of a lot of conflict between all the kids over turn-taking. Sigh. We'll get there eventually! ;) merrygardens, thank you for that line about your dh. It's easy to forget that ds also helps us in ways we don't always see. We are in the middle of a big makeover for the girls' room anyhow, so it's a perfect time to change things around. Youngest dd just moved in there at night and it was time for new curtains, bedclothes, etc. My oldest is so happy to have her desk and "big girl" room. :) I've been weeding through things and paring down the toy collection bit by bit. There's only about 1/3 as many dolls and stuffed animals in there now as there were a week ago. DS still manages to get into the doll hammock, but we're working on intervening as soon as that happens. Speaking of which, Laurie4b, you're right in that it would be best to be able to immediately intervene when ds begins making his mega-mess. I will try to be closer at hand for a while and see if that will help. I'm sure I can find something to do upstairs (read: housework!). I admit, I've enjoyed what little "freedom" I get now that they're all big enough to play independently and no one puts anything in their mouth anymore. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 ...We are in the middle of a big makeover for the girls' room anyhow, so it's a perfect time to change things around. Youngest dd just moved in there at night and it was time for new curtains, bedclothes, etc. My oldest is so happy to have her desk and "big girl" room. :) I've been weeding through things and paring down the toy collection bit by bit. There's only about 1/3 as many dolls and stuffed animals in there now as there were a week ago. DS still manages to get into the doll hammock, but we're working on intervening as soon as that happens. Aha! YOU are taking toys and things out of their previous locations! It's YOU! You are the trouble maker! :D If the problem with your ds has just reached the unbearable stage, please remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. ;) He's likely just trying to do what he sees you doing. My toddlers always seemed to go for our bookshelves right after I organized them--far more than they ever did at any other time! I finally concluded that they were just imitating me. When I try to re-organize the house, they re-organize it too. Your son might be behind, but I can tell you that I have seen this type of thing repeatedly from normal kids at younger ages. What you saw as a problem just might indicate your son is trying to copy you---and I see that as a good sign. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravinlunachick Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Ha! You might be right. I'd never thought of that, though I should have. I remember the first time ds saw me change the sheets on his bed. He tore them off every chance he got for at least 8 weeks after that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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