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When your spouse disagrees with the way you teach...


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Please don't get this thread deleted for husband bashing!;)

 

 

 

Hypothetically....:lol:

 

 

If your spouse disagreed with the way you taught a subject, how would you handle it?

 

 

Let's say that you are teaching spelling in a Spalding style, using words from their readers...it's a struggling reader. Mom has bought/tried/sold a few different spelling programs and has studied many more in the process. This momma knows spelling!

 

Dad thinks spelling should be a list given on Monday, copied copious times every day through the week, test on Friday....just like he did when he was in school.

 

Mom thinks the "old school" method will murder all love of learning, not to mention set us back in terms of the momentum of using the spelling-reading synergy.

 

 

 

How do you tiptoe into that one?:bigear:

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Hypothetically.....

 

I would see if we could agree on the outcome. You try your way and agree that if the student generally scores 80% or whatever on test, you stick with the method that works. Otherwise you'll give the other method a shot.

 

Or you could say "Y'know honey, I think YOU should be in charge of spelling! Have fun!"

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That's a tough one - especially since I know that you REALLY do know what you are talking about. :lol:

 

I'm pretty old-school (like your DH) when it comes to spelling. In your case though, picking words that they are already struggling with readings and/or love of learning for your spelling list makes sense to me. We use Bob Jones and along with their lists we have to pick a couple climbers that I always pull from his current reading. Their lists are generally grouped by word families, but our climbers are always all over the place. lol

 

In this case, I would try to show proven success using your method /vs/ a more traditional one. If his method clearly isn't working, and you're able to show mastery with your method, it would then be a no-brainer.

 

Maybe do a shorter list his way one week and then another short list using words the following week that you've chosen to show the difference?

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I'd explain my viewpoint and why I thought my way was a good idea and why I thought the other way wasn't, and I'd hope that would be the end of it. If it wasn't, I'd probably say that since I was the one teaching it I'd like to at least try it my way but that if it seemed it wasn't going well, I'd be willing to try it his way instead. And if, in fact, my way didn't go well...it didn't seem to be having much success, the kids hated it, whatever, I'd say why not, and give a try to his way. Who knows, maybe it'd work or the kids wouldn't hate it so much after all.

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I'd offer to let him take over spelling to see how that method works out for him.

 

:iagree: If he doesn't like your way of teaching, then he can do it. Honestly, the person that spends all day w/ the dc, knows how they learn and/or don't learn, gets the say so. Now, if he were making a suggestion that you hadn't tried, it might be worth a shot if other things aren't working.

 

You could always try his idea, and when it doesn't work, you can honestly say you gave it a go! :D

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I'd explain my viewpoint and why I thought my way was a good idea and why I thought the other way wasn't, and I'd hope that would be the end of it. If it wasn't, I'd probably say that since I was the one teaching it I'd like to at least try it my way but that if it seemed it wasn't going well, I'd be willing to try it his way instead. And if, in fact, my way didn't go well...it didn't seem to be having much success, the kids hated it, whatever, I'd say why not, and give a try to his way. Who knows, maybe it'd work or the kids wouldn't hate it so much after all.

 

:iagree:

 

But really, this idea of dh having any opinion on school stuff is just alien to me.

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Is the hypothetical child in question a 'struggling reader'? I would personally concentrate on teaching the child to read before expecting him/her to learn to read and spell at the same time...too much for my sensibilities, hypothetically speaking. :D

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I can *hypothetically* sympathize with you. :001_smile:

 

I've found one week of ----, and then the next week of ---- has been an accecptable compromise. No, we're not making the progress I think we should, but we are still moving forward. And my husband feels that his opinion is worth something, and that he is involved with whole school thing, which really is 99.9% my game.

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:iagree:

 

But really, this idea of dh having any opinion on school stuff is just alien to me.

 

DH has no idea if we even do spelling here. I bet he couldn't name one curriculum item we use. He probably isn't even confident on what subjects we cover. All he knows is what work the kids show him or tell him about. And the rare things I make him help with (exploding a volcano, picking up bird seed for science).

 

Sorry... this doesn't really help with your question. I'd say whoever does the most research gets the most say. Hopefully I could explain why his ideas would not be helpful. I would not just default to his method because he thinks it would work better.

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Is the hypothetical child in question a 'struggling reader'? I would personally concentrate on teaching the child to read before expecting him/her to learn to read and spell at the same time...too much for my sensibilities, hypothetically speaking. :D

 

 

 

That's just my point. I'm not expecting him to spell perfectly, as in memorizing spelling words. I'm pulling out words that he needs help with (decoding) and we are analyzing the words via Spalding. He's copying them once. They show up in his copywork (several sentences). I dictate a sentence to him 4x per week (and the words show up there too). Each time he stumbles, we do the fingerspelling and talk about the phonograms/rules that apply. (He started with SWR in kindy...so he's pretty familiar with Spalding...reading is slow bc of visual issues & probably dyslexia. ) This method has been working well, in combination with Dancing Bears, to greatly speed up his reading fluency! From last year at this time until now....it's obvious the difference!!!

 

He looked at a page from our Spalding-marking exercise and decided my methods aren't working b/c his handwriting got sloppy at the end (20 words - 9yo boy) and he made a few mistakes. Dad didn't even know what the Spalding markings were...or what they meant.:001_huh: It wasn't a list of perfectly spelled words in perfect handwriting. (I'd love to see HIS schoolwork from when he was 9yo!:lol:)

 

 

I tried to explain the reasoning behind the lesson and he just doesn't understand how or why I'm using spelling to help with reading...and not mainly for the purposes of spelling.

 

 

 

 

I'd love to just hand spelling over to dh, but I can't do that to ds.:tongue_smilie:

 

 

I don't quite get the dh interested in school-stuffs either...it's a new development.

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Yeah, I admit, I get a little excited when that happens.

 

A few weeks ago dh asked the older kids what grade they were in. :tongue_smilie:

sorry for the little derail there. But I'm sure he was confused because we homeschool. maybe.

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Would he be OK with your son having a list of vocabulary words each week, taught the "old school" way, while you continue to do spelling your way? That's what a lot of the schools around here do for spelling once the kids have the Dolch words memorized (don't get me started...), and maybe if your son did, say, 5 words a week that you pulled from history, science, or whatever book you're reading that would make him feel like he has input, and let you continue to teach reading and spelling in the way that works for your DS.

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Well, hypothetically, I'd be tempted to tell him, "Okay, have at it! Get a list ready for Monday and I'll get out of your way for half an hour every night next week."

 

But if the hypothetical situation was more like your elaborated description, well, I would probably say, "You're right, honey. We should make sure to have a weekly list done in his best handwriting on Fridays." Then I'd keep doing what I was doing, post a list of the words on the wall, and Friday's copywork ... er, spelling test ... would be ten of them in list form, with no extra markings or anything done on it. Now, that's not to say mom couldn't mark up a copy herself that day, but the point is that we would show dad his spelling test that night after reminding him that the handwriting is DS's current best effort.

Edited by SunD
typo
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From the flip side of that, my DH teaches our son two days a week and I take three. Our styles are fairly different in some respects and I find myself getting frustrated that he isn't teaching his subjects the way I would teach them. Sometimes I've found myself criticizing him, but then realize that just because it's different doesn't mean it's bad or wrong, it's just different. For example, in science he has been putting together his own lessons (he's a former scientist). However, more often than not, he doesn't have time to put together instructionally-sound lessons and ends up skipping science for the day or week. After nagging about it, I instead took the approach asking if it would help if he had a structured program. He agrees that it's the best thing so I researched programs and presented him with my favorite and an acceptable backup. He likes the one I also like and is going to start using it as soon as it arrives.

 

So, I guess if your spouse is unhappy with the way you're teaching, perhaps you could ask for his input on what he thinks would be better. Have a discussion, since you both want what is best for your child(ren), although you might come at it from different directions.

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In our family, the person doing the teaching gets to decide how something will be taught. The other person can comment but has no decision-making authority, unless he (or she) wants to teach that subject.

 

:iagree:

 

Hypothetically, I would ask the person how much they had researched spelling techniques since they had been out of school? Hypothetically, I'd rush off into a long rambling dissertation of all the material I had read, the threads of other experienced people, my philosophy of spelling that I had discerned from all the information. About the time this person's eyes would start to glaze over, I'd ask how much experience they had in teaching spelling and if they'd like to try.

 

If that didn't work, I'd raise an eyebrow and remind them that it was my job, and they wanted ds to be smart, right? That was what they charged me with doing all those years ago (not that this has actually ever happened...at least not with spelling), and that unless they wanted to take over the research, planning, asking questions, researching the answers and then the actual putting together of the curriculum, that I painstakingly planned in minute detail to build skills that would be foundational to later educations needs. If they wanted to do all that, while continuing to work a full time job, I'd just go take a bath and let them take over.

 

If that didn't work there is always the stamping of feet, tears, and the cries of "You don't trust me!" ...again not that it has ever happened in our house. :tongue_smilie:

 

I never told dh how to do his job because it's not my area of expertise, I expect the same respect. We do discuss things, but the education part is my job.

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If my husband ever did this to me I would probably look a little :confused: and then :glare: as I told him "I don't tell you how to run your power plant on the ship"

 

Teaching is my job, he's welcome to comment, but in the end I get to pick how we do things since I'm the one "in the trenches" so to speak.

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It wouldn't need handling at my house. He's welcome to think whatever he likes ;)

 

:lol: I needed that today.

 

Hmmm, DH and I have our areas. I'm in charge of kids and the house. He's in charge of vehicles, making money, and any home repairs I'm not comfortable with. So we haven't disagreed.

 

He doesn't ever have an opinion on homeschooling. I have finally trained him to listen to me talk about homeschool ideas, instead of just saying "that sounds fine" and walking off.

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I have never chosen a curriculum without research. My DH would have to trust that I put a lot of thought into the decision and that if it didn't work out, I would be open to looking at his method. Personally, I've never been a fan of drill and kill methods.

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:iagree:

 

Hypothetically, I would ask the person how much they had researched spelling techniques since they had been out of school? Hypothetically, I'd rush off into a long rambling dissertation of all the material I had read, the threads of other experienced people, my philosophy of spelling that I had discerned from all the information. About the time this person's eyes would start to glaze over, I'd ask how much experience they had in teaching spelling and if they'd like to try.

 

If that didn't work, I'd raise an eyebrow and remind them that it was my job, and they wanted ds to be smart, right? That was what they charged me with doing all those years ago (not that this has actually ever happened...at least not with spelling), and that unless they wanted to take over the research, planning, asking questions, researching the answers and then the actual putting together of the curriculum, that I painstakingly planned in minute detail to build skills that would be foundational to later educations needs. If they wanted to do all that, while continuing to work a full time job, I'd just go take a bath and let them take over.

 

If that didn't work there is always the stamping of feet, tears, and the cries of "You don't trust me!" ...again not that it has ever happened in our house. :tongue_smilie:

 

I never told dh how to do his job because it's not my area of expertise, I expect the same respect. We do discuss things, but the education part is my job.

 

 

Yeah...I went this route...not to fluff my own feathers, but this happens to be *one* area that I have put in extensive study. Not just random theoretical study, but study on what works for my specific ds9. If the issue would have been over geography or world history, I would humbly admit my lack of knowledge, chuckle, and carry on.

 

 

I think I've decided that - if the subject comes up again - I will hand him my copy of WRTR and set an appointment to discuss further after he's read the book. Hey, if he can teach WRTR I'd be happy with that...I'm due for a nice bubble bath.:tongue_smilie:

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I'd explain my viewpoint and why I thought my way was a good idea and why I thought the other way wasn't, and I'd hope that would be the end of it. If it wasn't, I'd probably say that since I was the one teaching it I'd like to at least try it my way but that if it seemed it wasn't going well, I'd be willing to try it his way instead. And if, in fact, my way didn't go well...it didn't seem to be having much success, the kids hated it, whatever, I'd say why not, and give a try to his way. Who knows, maybe it'd work or the kids wouldn't hate it so much after all.

 

:iagree: This seems like a calm, rational way to handle it....

 

 

But really, this idea of dh having any opinion on school stuff is just alien to me.

 

..but yeah, this is true. My dh pretty much leaves all the school decisions to me. He'll listen to how things are going and may offer a comment if I ask him an opinion on something he may know about but for the most part, he just leaves it up to me. He reads my blog each week to see details of what we're up to. :lol:

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I would incorporate his ideas into our schooling. It would be easy enough to do, and I know it would mean a lot to my dh.

 

:iagree:

 

I really like being on the same page with my husband and not having to make all the homeschooling decisions alone.

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I would incorporate his ideas into our schooling. It would be easy enough to do, and I know it would mean a lot to my dh.

That might work for some people, but for those whose teaching style is totally different from their dh's, or if the dh really has no idea of how things should be done, only that they be done differently, that's a recipe for disaster.

 

I'm happy that Mr. Ellie trusted me to do what I thought was best. :)

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That might work for some people, but for those whose teaching style is totally different from their dh's, or if the dh really has no idea of how things should be done, only that they be done differently, that's a recipe for disaster.

 

I'm happy that Mr. Ellie trusted me to do what I thought was best. :)

 

Actually, dh & I are quite different, and he trusts me to do what I think is best. So if he speaks up on an issue with school, I know it's very important to him. And you know what? Usually he sees something I don't, and it's worthwhile to take his feelings and opinions into account. If it was dh bringing up the spelling issue, it would take me 15 minutes to do what he'd like, and I know it would make him feel heard and respected. Also, I find when he feels heard and understood, he's more likely to listen to what I have to say on an issue. It's a win-win.

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I'd start making suggestions on how he should configure the servers and tell him how we wrote software code, back in my day. That would get him off my back quick. Honestly. I don't tell him how to do his job, and he doesn't tell me how to do mine. He asks me how much it will cost, so he can budget for it, but that is it.

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I would mention that fact that Noah Webster, who taught school and wrote a fairly famous dictionary, used spelling to teach reading.

 

From my website, with a quote from Webster:

 

Spelling Books in the 1700's and early 1800's were used for both phonics and spelling purposes, and were used to teach children to read. Noah Webster himself explains this in his 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language. The entry for spelling-book reads, "n. A book for teaching children to spell and read."

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Actually, dh & I are quite different, and he trusts me to do what I think is best. So if he speaks up on an issue with school, I know it's very important to him. And you know what? Usually he sees something I don't, and it's worthwhile to take his feelings and opinions into account. If it was dh bringing up the spelling issue, it would take me 15 minutes to do what he'd like, and I know it would make him feel heard and respected. Also, I find when he feels heard and understood, he's more likely to listen to what I have to say on an issue. It's a win-win.

 

This is what happened at my house. In the long run, it turned out not as bad as I was thinking. :) Really. No one is suffering.

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I would inform dh that I have done a lot of research in this area, ask him to do his own (in a polite, nonsnarky way), and set up an evening for us to discuss it. If he was not persuaded to my way of doing things by the end of the evening, I would try to reach a compromise. I can't imagine this ever happening so if it did, I would not dismiss dh's feelings or opinions. He would only take a stand on something he felt strongly about (he is a very thoughtful person) so I would try to accommodate him if he remained adamant in his views.

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:iagree: If he doesn't like your way of teaching, then he can do it. Honestly, the person that spends all day w/ the dc, knows how they learn and/or don't learn, gets the say so. Now, if he were making a suggestion that you hadn't tried, it might be worth a shot if other things aren't working.

 

You could always try his idea, and when it doesn't work, you can honestly say you gave it a go! :D

 

I agree. The person teaching gets the most say. Anyone else is more like the peanut gallery.

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I would incorporate his ideas into our schooling. It would be easy enough to do, and I know it would mean a lot to my dh.

 

I would do what was best for the kids, and whatever helped them learn best, and not worry that an adult might get hurt feelings, in a huff, or whatever.

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Is the hypothetical child in question a 'struggling reader'? I would personally concentrate on teaching the child to read before expecting him/her to learn to read and spell at the same time...too much for my sensibilities, hypothetically speaking. :D

 

We had good success teaching to read through spelling. It is very logical and I would have a hard time teaching reading any other way.

 

However, I would probably figure out a way to incorporate a word list somewhere even it was just for copywork.

Edited by HiddenJewel
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In our family, the person doing the teaching gets to decide how something will be taught. The other person can comment but has no decision-making authority, unless he (or she) wants to teach that subject.

 

I'd explain my viewpoint and why I thought my way was a good idea and why I thought the other way wasn't, and I'd hope that would be the end of it. If it wasn't, I'd probably say that since I was the one teaching it I'd like to at least try it my way but that if it seemed it wasn't going well, I'd be willing to try it his way instead. And if, in fact, my way didn't go well...it didn't seem to be having much success, the kids hated it, whatever, I'd say why not, and give a try to his way. Who knows, maybe it'd work or the kids wouldn't hate it so much after all.

 

If my husband ever did this to me I would probably look a little :confused: and then :glare: as I told him "I don't tell you how to run your power plant on the ship"

 

Teaching is my job, he's welcome to comment, but in the end I get to pick how we do things since I'm the one "in the trenches" so to speak.

 

:iagree: I'd listen to his concerns, but since I'm the one doing it, I'd probably stick with my way, unless I felt that it wasn't working, in which case, I'd give his suggestion a thought. Generally, though, in my house, I take a criticism of how I do things as volunteering to do it one's own self -- if you complain that dinner's not ready, I'll see it as you offering to make dinner yourself and will take you up on the offer.

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I try to figure out what is the real thing my DH is concerned about, and find a way to address that. When we first started HS, he really wanted me to use Singapore for math but I was too intimidated by that particular program. After talking with him about it, I realized that what he really wanted was for our kids to learn math the Asian way and DH was fine with my using any program that was similar, including Right Start (my preference in the primary grades).

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Well, I think if my dh commented on how I should teach, I would probably be shocked speechless.."hypothetically" speaking. ;)

He works 2 + jobs, so I think it would be way to stressful for him to worry about the way I teach spelling or any other subject.

 

Now how much I spend on curriculum, well...that's another matter!:001_smile:

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:grouphug: I too have a child that spelling comes difficult to, and I know the absolute ineffectiveness that happened when she was given a list of spelling words, asked to copy them though out the week and then given a test on Fridays. The thing is, she wasn't actually learning how to spell the words, she was simply memorizing them for the test, and then promptly forgetting them. If asked 2 weeks later to spell a prior spelling word she would more than likely get it wrong. It sounds like you've done more than enough research into the spelling system that will work best for your child and I'm sure you've explained all of that to your husband. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you. Teaching the kids is my job. I would never go to my husband's job and tell him how to do something (or ask for him to do it differently). I guess I would expect the same in return.

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Actually, dh & I are quite different, and he trusts me to do what I think is best. So if he speaks up on an issue with school, I know it's very important to him. And you know what? Usually he sees something I don't, and it's worthwhile to take his feelings and opinions into account. If it was dh bringing up the spelling issue, it would take me 15 minutes to do what he'd like, and I know it would make him feel heard and respected. Also, I find when he feels heard and understood, he's more likely to listen to what I have to say on an issue. It's a win-win.

Good for you. :)

 

Mr. Ellie and I feel the same way. He just wouldn't bring it up. :)

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I can *hypothetically* sympathize with you. :001_smile:

 

:lol: Same here.

 

I want to buy Institute for Excellence in Writing for my I-hate-writing boys. I was thrilled to see that there is real concrete instruction and people have great success with it. My dh said, "All you have to do is have them write a paragraph every day and have them correct it. They'll get the hang of it." Oh. Why didn't I think of that? :tongue_smilie:

 

I feel your pain.

 

I'm hoping to have dh listen to some mp3s by Andrew Pudewa (if he can bear it) to try to bring him around to thinking more carefully and more "outside the box" on educational methods. Andrew might have one on spelling as well, or maybe you could find a couple articles to win him over?

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Hypothetically I understand.

I was doing Latin with my children , we had been doing it for 3 years. One day in a conversation with a friend, in front of the children, My DH hypothetically said that he would fully support a strike on Latin.

Hypothetically that was that. The strike started teh very next day !

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DS is very academically driven so we give him a large voice in his curriculum. He picked his own method of learning spelling so DH wouldn't try to change it. In general, DH leaves most of the "teaching" to me. He gives opinions, but never asks us to use a set method. DH knows we try things until DS finds one he likes. DS is a great speller apparently we are using the right method for him.

 

There are other areas that are DH driven: scouting, camping, hiking, cycling, etc... I give my 2 cents occasionally, but it's mostly just commentary.

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But really, this idea of dh having any opinion on school stuff is just alien to me.

 

:iagree: My dh does not insert himself into curriculum matters. He trusts that I know what I'm doing and leaves it all up to my discretion. And that's the way I like it. :D

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"Dude. That method won't work on this kid and, developmentally, I can only ask a certain amount of writing per day. Wouldn't you rather I spent that on teaching the kid to write coherent paragraphs than writing the same few words over and over? Because we can stop writing paragraphs if you want."

 

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, (he probably wouldn't begin the conversation at all, but once in a while he gets a bee in his bonnet,) with me perhaps mentioning the kids would like a lazy schedule where they didn't have to write paragraphs any more, my hubby would decide his priorities have changed. As a sweetener, the next few weeks of paragraphs might start with "Dear Dad" and find their way into his work bag, tucked inside his laptop where he would be sure to find them.

 

Rosie

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Thanks for all your input. I was going to implode yesterday...

 

 

 

 

That might work for some people, but for those whose teaching style is totally different from their dh's, or if the dh really has no idea of how things should be done, only that they be done differently, that's a recipe for disaster.

 

I'm happy that Mr. Ellie trusted me to do what I thought was best. :)

 

 

Exactly! Doing it the old school way, even for a short time, would not be fair to ds, imho. It would disrupt the flow of what we are doing. If I thought it wouldn't be a big deal to the child, I wouldn't have started the thread.

 

 

 

I would mention that fact that Noah Webster, who taught school and wrote a fairly famous dictionary, used spelling to teach reading.

 

From my website, with a quote from Webster:

 

Spelling Books in the 1700's and early 1800's were used for both phonics and spelling purposes, and were used to teach children to read. Noah Webster himself explains this in his 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language. The entry for spelling-book reads, "n. A book for teaching children to spell and read."

 

 

Thank you! I'd forgotten about Noah Webster!:D

 

 

 

My dh said, "All you have to do is have them write a paragraph every day and have them correct it. They'll get the hang of it." Oh. Why didn't I think of that? :tongue_smilie:

 

I feel your pain.

 

 

:001_huh::lol:

 

 

Yes, you do!:grouphug:

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