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Finding educational peers/competition outside a school?


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DD's been doing the World Education Games this week, and just as I've seen when she does a spelling bee, she's come alive-and it's because "There are other kids out there who like words as much as I do". In many respects, she was most excited when she LOST a round, because she commented "Wow! David in England is REALLY fast at math" or "Melisa is even better at spelling than I am!". She was excited to see herself on the top 100 in spelling internationally-but was even MORE excited, throughout the day, to see her name drop in the list, because that meant that there were other people who had done better than she had-kids who liked spelling as much as she did (and who, as she says "Probably get to use the computer more than I do" (see, mom, if you'd just let me play more video games, my mouse clicking and typing speed would be faster, so I'd WIN these competitions!!!)).

 

And then she went from the high of the Math competition to co-op, where, yet again, she ended up talking to the adults because she got frustrated because "I don't want to just run around and pretend to be in Star Wars!".

 

This kid NEEDS intellectual peers close to her age. Does anyone have any ideas how to find them? Maybe even moderated online discussion boards that are safe for kids? (I know I get a good deal of my intellectual discussion online as an adult, on boards that are interest-based). I'd prefer something less expensive than a JHU class, but it might be worth it.

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The problem is that it's not just meeting the intellectual need for stimulation-it's not enough for DD, right now, to talk with our assistant pastor about the differences between Attic and Koine Greek, as she moves from Hey, Andrew to Athenaze, or to talk to DH about her Scratch projects, or to read books with me and discuss them, or to do hard math projects or enter Lego Quest challenges. It's that DD dearly, truly wants other kids her age who "get" her-and who she doesn't have to always accept their decisions, choose to be alone (or go talk to adults), or offer compromises. Most of her friends are in outside activities that are non-intellectual, where there is a give and take and everyone has areas that they're strong and weak at. She dearly wants this sort of give and take intellectually-and maybe we're just looking in the wrong places, but we're not finding it. Girl scouts, in this area anyway, doesn't seem to attract gifted girls so much as moms who seem to want a college sorority atmosphere-DD hated it, and so did I. (I suspect she'd love boy scouts if they'd let her join). The Science group class, which I had high hopes for, again usually ends up with DD talking to the instructors, not the other kids. Except for spelling bees, I really haven't found any languag-y competitions, and I really got the impression, last year, that DD was about the only kid in her age category who was doing the bee by her choice, as opposed to the parent pushing their child into it-even the other kids who seemed talented in the area (or well practiced) didn't seem to truly be enjoying it and in their element the way DD was.

 

If I could wave a magic wand, the single thing I'd wish for is for my DD to have a true best friend with whom she can be 100% herself.

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:grouphug:. It's harder still for a kid who doesn't favor the usual pop culture stuff that most other kids their age do.

 

This kid NEEDS intellectual peers close to her age. Does anyone have any ideas how to find them? Maybe even moderated online discussion boards that are safe for kids? (I know I get a good deal of my intellectual discussion online as an adult, on boards that are interest-based). I'd prefer something less expensive than a JHU class, but it might be worth it.

 

Didn't Online G3 used to have an online discussion board? We didn't use it extensively because my son still prefers one-to-one discussions (live and virtual) but I remember kids who created stories online, had discussions about mythology and so on on the Online G3 board.

 

If she qualifies for Davidson Young Scholars there is also an online discussion board for YSs.

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We found the peers at traditional youth activities. Scouting has yielded the most - in this area many gifted students join the troops that are led well - but swimming and climbing have also yielded friends. We also did the Sat classes; too low a level at the regional U, but in larger cities they do have appropriate ones.

 

What we did until making friends was satisfy the intellectual need at home; then they were ready to run around and usually could draw someone in to a lightsaber duel or tag. Joining in the games lets them figure out who has friend potential. If you dd has no possibilities, it is time to recruit or move on to another group.

 

:iagree: We joined a local GT group, but found just as many viable peers signing up for things like science and chess camps and classes and doing music lessons in a rigorous music program.

 

That said, GT kids vary widely. My kids despite bordering on PG would be happy running around playing tag or light sabre duel with occasional pauses to talk about 20 levels of complexity and rules. I also very intentionally have them in physical activities and my kids needed to be guided to give and take in friendships. Both my kids are extroverted too, which helps. I would say both my kids have many friends, but no "soul mate" friends. I think that's ok. I am not in contact with any friends from my childhood. Being able to connect with a wide variety of people, even if they're compartmentalized (like soccer friends, science friends, church friends, etc) is a good life skill.

Edited by kck
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My dd13 has struggled with this too. One thing that needs to be remembered is no one friend will be able to meet all of her intellectual needs. My daughter is a gifted artist. Her good friend a talented musician. They support each other. My dd goes to some performances--the boring ones to provide companionship. The friend goes to exhibits with dd's work included. She is her number 1 fan. They both enjoy math, science, and Latin. They also like many of the same activities.

 

She has a couple of other good friends that have other gifts. I think they need to be more accepting of others at the beganning because if they explore each others interests they may have a lot in comman. Just not the main thing.

 

That being said I have had to work really to find these friends. I "worked" every group meeting to find them. It does not happen overnight. I found that first I need to find a similar age girl from a family with serious educational philosophy. Then introduce the girls--my dd is shy, and pray that they will talk. One thing I have learned is that I can't force it. Frequently I am relieved later that she didn't become friends with some.

 

She has also made good friends at our church. We go to a small family church where they all play together. It is good because they all accept each other's interests and support them.

 

I also have a son who is gifted. For him friends are easy. I don't understand it. But I am glad.

 

I hope this helps. All you can do is keep going to things and trying. Look into some other groups too. A shared field trip with a group several miles away was how we found the first good friend. If we hadn't gone that day we never would have found her.

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It's that DD dearly, truly wants other kids her age who "get" her-and who she doesn't have to always accept their decisions, choose to be alone (or go talk to adults), or offer compromises. Most of her friends are in outside activities that are non-intellectual, where there is a give and take and everyone has areas that they're strong and weak at. She dearly wants this sort of give and take intellectually-and maybe we're just looking in the wrong places, but we're not finding it.

There are two ways of approaching this: the more individualist ("always be yourself in all areas; if you have problems, you need to change your social environment"), and the more communitarian ("bloom where you're planted; if you have problems, learn new skills to get along"). Going by past discussions on the board, we have some parents at both ends of this spectrum, and a lot in the middle. Most people who post seem to lean pretty strongly toward one or the other, though. It's apparent even in the replies so far.

 

I guess I tend toward the latter, if only for practical reasons. Do you consider it essential that your child get the challenging intellectual "give and take" at the same time as she's playing and socializing with other children? Because I think this might be a bit unrealistic. And I don't think it's necessarily going to get much easier as she gets older, unless she finds a way to spend the majority of her work, leisure, worship, and family time in ivory tower environments.

 

One of my children is bright, but has some mild disabilities that affect her motor skills and some aspects of learning. I don't know if she's gifted or not, but she is very asynchronous, and probably will be throughout childhood. There are no social groups for kids like her. And that's okay. She just is who she is. In Life in the Fast Brain, Karen Isaacson wrote a bit about her nephew, who has similar physical disabilities to my daughter's (maybe more severe), and is also sweet and sensitive, still enjoying Care Bears at age 11.

 

"He is also a bright kid; he tests four years above his age across the board in every subject. To top it all off—and this is the best part—he's a happy kid. Roland understands what he is dealing with, and he doesn't seem to mind being different. He doesn't match his age peers emotionally, intellectually, or physically, and yet he is well-adjusted and happy with himself."

 

I don't want to minimize the difficulty you're in. I have trouble finding social opportunities for my eldest two (they have each other, but could use friends of the same gender). But we have to work with what's available to us. And at least they have the option of joining in and jumping rope, playing soccer, etc. KWIM?

 

If I could wave a magic wand, the single thing I'd wish for is for my DD to have a true best friend with whom she can be 100% herself.
Sounds lovely! (Though right now, I think I would be selfish and choose to have all mine be instantly self-potty-trained at 15 months. :001_smile::001_smile::001_smile:)
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I would also add that I don't think message boards are a healthy social outlet. Especially not for children, who are still learning how to get along, and what friends really are.

 

For specific discussion related to hobbies or shared interests, they can have their (limited) place -- but not to "make friends" that they aren't in contact with IRL.

 

This raises larger issues about the nature of friendship and community. Maybe others will disagree. (ETA: I guess so, going by Jenne's post... LOL) But I would rather my children have rare contact with one or two face-to-face friends than regular contact with dozens of virtual ones on an online forum.

Edited by Eleanor
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It sounds like your daughter is in a tough place right now. I remember feeling that way as a young teen. Teachers were the only people who "got" me. Unfortunately, there are few children who are gifted (else the term would be meaningless). And depending on the size of your community, there may or may not be anyone in the area who is both your child's age AND as gifted as she is. Our town has about 25,000. I doubt there are any 7 year olds who function at my son's level. There are probably othe highly gifted children, but likely older or younger than he.

 

My son's ok with this now, though he does wish he had more friends (my fault - with so many little I haven't made friend activities important enough). But I have no idea how he will feel when he's older. You daughter is clearly bothered. But I think you should be honest with her - she may not find that person until she is an adult. As an adult, 3 years age difference (heck even 10 years) doesn't make much difference - we find friends with similar interests. It doesn't solve the problem now, and probably won't make her feel any better now. But I think it's the hard truth. (Not that you should give up!)

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I would rather my kids have one or two close friends in real life. We have looked for a long time. We continue to look.

 

I don't love those message boards, though, LOL. My kids don't like online communication very much. My older kids have had access to those boards when they were taking classes at a3 and g3. Neither one liked them.

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Some very interesting thoughts raised in this thread so far. I really like the bloom where you grow philosophy, perhaps because deep within, I'm an incurable idealist. It works to some extent in our case, but it hasn't yielded close friendships. I don't know why. Perhaps it will take more time.

 

I do suspect (emphasis on suspect as I am no expert) trying to develop skills to get along can only go so far when a child is so, so very much more mentally mature than her same-age counterpart.

 

And speaking of time, yes, it takes lots of it OP. Lots and lots. Along with hard work from the parent (and child too) and sheer serendipity to uncover friends you can be yourself with.

 

There's also the only child issue. I think the struggle is harder for some of us for this reason. And when it's harder, you start by looking for any outlet that works, including online boards. When you have a true friend (live or virtual), making real-life, non-virtual friends becomes easier in my opinion. I know this from experience.

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There's also the only child issue. I think the struggle is harder for some of us for this reason.

 

I think there is some absolute truth to this statement. My kids always have each other and even if they aren't close later in life they "get" each other now and have similar intensities. My kids are close to 4 years apart, so until my daughter hit about 4, I found my older child SO much more draining. He wanted to talk to me all day long and ask questions and banter and blah blah blah. :001_smile: I never had such a draining stage with my younger, though I suspect she's just as intense. She just has another body to bounce things off of that "gets" her. About a month ago she had a fever for a couple days and the house was SO quiet. I really realized her energy levels and conversation fills the house every bit as much as her older sibling.

 

Anyway, sending sympathy! :grouphug:

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