Perfectionism... How do you deal with this in your kids

[Old Dominion Heather]

I have a child who melts into a puddle if he misses math problems, his brother messes with him, things don't go his way, or he gets into trouble with either parent...particularly me. He starts crying at the least little thing. He is eight.

 

Is there any way to make this better?

[nmoira]

I highly recommend Mindset by Carol Dweck; it changed the way I speak to my kids about effort, success, and failure. I haven't read it yet, but I've also heard very good things about Raising Resilient Children.

[lovemyboys]

Hi Heather,

Well, I just typed up a whole reply with some ideas and commisseration, but the board had logged me out a few minutes ago....?

 

Anyway, I did a youtube search for a Michael Jordan video and found this, not the exact one, but still worth seeing. I've started talking with my ds about this tendency to melt down about stuff, often over small things. Partly it's the age, 8-9 seems to be more fragile all of a sudden! And partly it's that perfectionist tendency.

 

Part of my strategy has been to talk about choices, and his choice to make a huge issue over something that isn't. The other part of my strategy has been to give him tools to work around/with these issues. He's learned to type so that slight imperfections in cursive handwriting don't make the science experiment sheet take an hour to write up, for instance. I'm also trying to calmly help him stick with something to work at it if he doesn't instantly and completely grasp the concept, pattern, whatever.

 

Perhaps something here will help. Good luck!:o

 

 

[KAR120C]

I have a child who melts into a puddle if he misses math problems, his brother messes with him, things don't go his way, or he gets into trouble with either parent...particularly me. He starts crying at the least little thing. He is eight.

 

Is there any way to make this better?

I agree with nmoira about Mindset -- I've not read the whole book, but I've read several articles about the book and they made really good points... however.... according to what I've read we've done everything right (ha! LOL) and DS is still a perfectionist. I figure it could be much much worse though. And I should probably read the whole book before I check that off my list ;)

 

And I agree with lovemyboys that 8-9 seems to be a very fragile age. Old enough to see all his faults clearly but not experienced enough to really trust time and practice to fix them. One thing that has worked wonders with DS is to keep old papers and bring them out every so often to show him just how much he has improved with nothing more than good old fashioned practice. Reminding him that learning to walk was hard but that now that he's been walking for seven years he doesn't even think about it, and that lots of things work that way.

 

And we always have a good eraser on his pencil.

[chai]

I have a daughter like that. I don't have a magic formula, but she seems to be outgrowing it. I agree with KAR1200: let him compare his work now with work he did a year ago; constantly reinforce that he isn't expected to get everything right the first time. My dd would always cry "but I didn't know!" I explained to her that that is why she needed a teacher!

 

Unfortunately, we seem to be moving into an entirely different stage where she is trying to get away with sloppy work. Lately, I have spent lots of time making her redo her pages or re-write words. Perfectionism isn't all bad!

[Storm Bay]

Yes, perfectionism isn't all bad. I could use a lot more perfectionism in handwriting and sometimes a little less in art when we're in a hurry! I'm all for my 12 yo's perfectionism in art when we have the time, as she does some very fine work now (at times--my kids don't always put their best effort in when they're just fooling around with drawing).

[Old Dominion Heather]

Thanks! He enjoyed this very much, especially since he is playng BB for the first time this year.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I'll look for those. Thanks!

[Desert Rat]

I just wanted to tell you my almost 8yo is the exact same way. A lady at Tae Kwon Do last night witnessed a relatively mild (by our standards) melt down over a lost Uno game. She asked how I could be so calm. I laughed. I wasn't so calm a couple years ago! I've learned to love his sensitivity and understand that his crying is his main outlet of expressing negative feelings.

Our copy work is often about perseverence. "I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." (Edison) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." I hang them around our school area so he can see them as a reminder. And I find examples of people continuing on to do great things despite past failures, etc.

I also point out what he SHOULD be doing for his age level (because he's way ahead) and remind him that he has many years in which to learn these things. It seems to help. It also helps that I'm a perfectionist too and know how it feels (although I didn't show it through tears).

Thanks for the Mindset recommendation. I'll check that out too.

You're not alone!

:o)

[StephanieZ]

explaining to me that he was terrible in math.

 

He was finishing out SM PM 5B. . . at age 8/mid-3rd grade. . . spending about 2-3 hours a week on math. . .

 

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. ;)

 

I did give him a reality check. Explaining that the math he was "supposed" to be doing was 3rd grade. . . and showing him those books. That made him feel really good and he dropped his "no good at math" routine.

 

I'm a perfectionist myself (as is my dh) and only time will tell if the techniques I am trying with my kids will help them avoid the negative aspects of that trait that they've clearly inherited. As advised by many wise books, I try to focus on praising persistence, creativity, effort, etc as much as possible. These are traits they can control and always achieve, as opposed to being the "best" or "smartest" (although I admit I use those superlatives too often as well.)

 

I also think it is wise for gifted kids to have experiences that challenge them. If things are always easy, then they won't have practice not always being super or the best. With multi-gifted kids, we sometimes have to seek out these challenges on purpose.

 

Music is an area where one can always always be better and at least the way experienced by my dc, it is largely a contest with your own self (and other children who are at your level, but may be much younger or older) so it always provides a challenge.

 

I also keep them advancing academically as rapidly as they are able so they continue to be challenged. You need practice failing to accept that it is simply part of learning.

 

I recall being particularly happy when my dd took ice skating lessons b/c it did NOT come naturally to her and she had to work at it a bit to learn. Everything else she ever did came so easily and that was her first real challenge. Sports were the first (only so far) thing that provided a challenge to keep up with/compare with her peers. She does a couple seasons a year of various sports (soccer, basketball, etc.) and they've each provided enough of a challenge and she has practiced persistence and after some years become better and better at each, realizing she can excel if she sticks with it. This season she's clearly the best player on her little (very low key) basketball team. That's saying a LOT, considering! I love that she has really experienced, in both soccer and basketball, that even if it doesn't come naturally and easily, you can achieve at least competence if not excellence through persistence and practice and enjoy the entire process, not just the excellence at the end of the road.

 

It may be odd to think I WANTED her to do something hard for her, but I think it makes sense (and she's always enjoyed it!)

[Old Dominion Heather]

Sports were the first (only so far) thing that provided a challenge to keep up with/compare with her peers.

 

you can achieve at least competence if not excellence through persistence and practice and enjoy the entire process, not just the excellence at the end of the road.

 

I know exactly what you mean. Ds is not a gifted athlete, maybe slightly less than average due to his vision, but we have pushed him to play sports for the last year so that he could experience some failure. Playing on a football team was a particularly valuable experience for him since he experienced that fact that you could have your personal best game of the year and your team might still lose. Getting used to not being the best gave him the courage to play basketball this year. I have been very pleased with his growing ability to take a loss as far as sports go.

[Laura Corin]

- I mark all work with a green pen, 'Green for growing'. This was a great tip I got on the old boards; for some reason, it really helped Hobbes to be less threatened by failure.

- We spent a lot of time working with The Little Engine That Could, calling him my little Hobbes that could, talking about effort.

- I give out stickers for work and perseverance, not for results.

- We have a phrase, 'Oops, I made a mistake, ' that I model and ask the boys to use when they make an error. It seems to help to have something to say; it takes the sting out of it somehow.

- Lots of cuddles when all else fails.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Mom2GirlsTX]

- I mark all work with a green pen, 'Green for growing'. This was a great tip I got on the old boards; for some reason, it really helped Hobbes to be less threatened by failure.

Laura

 

I have never seen this advice, I am thankful to see it today!

Red really does come across negatively, yet the green would come across as less threatening. DD melts when I mark anything in red pen so I started using a pencil, which just doesnt carry the "weight" that the pen correction did. Lovin the green pen idea:D

[fishnoises]

I don't mind the perfectionism so much. I do mind the tears! Our ds is 8 also. He is the only boy out of 4 kids. He is the most emotional of the lot! Usually it is not about his work, but more about getting his way. He wastes a lot of time sharpening his pencil and pulling up his socks and daydreaming! He also asks lots of questions that have nothing to do with what he is working on. He is ahead in math and reading. He does very well with LCII, as do his sisters, but his handwriting is AWFUL!

I wish I could deal witht he emotions better. I understand them more. I gather from some of your posts that I need to do a lot more praising. I forget sometimes how much I ask of him.

As for board games? I really can't handle the competitiveness of these kids and my husband! The meltdowns over here are RIDICULOUS!!!!!!

[Herding Cats in NC]

Well, this may sound silly, but when my kids get upset I have them focus on finding a solution to their problem. I try to emphasize that it doesn't matter if you make mistakes - eveyone does - what matters is what you do after you've made them. Crying doesn't help anything; let's find a solution instead. I know that sounds harsh, but I really don't present it in a harsh way at all. I simply steer them toward a solution, maybe "I'm sorry you got stuck on that math problem, but let's go through it and see what went wrong." Often once they see the cause of the problem they feel better. Though sometimes I find the only answer for my dc is extra sleep - we have way more emotional outbursts when they're tired.

 

I love the you tube link with Michael Jordan. He's one of my favorite examples - he was cut from his high school basketball team! I like to find examples like this to share with my kids. I think it really helps them to see that even the most successful people have failed at some point in their lives.