woolybear Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I posted on another thread about a problem I had with the dc. Although this is an ongoing problem, I had a specific incident the other night. Several nights ago something similar happened and I told ds he could not go to his wrestling practice the next day. I thought it over and told him I had overreacted and since he had improved his behaviour the next day I would let him go. Well, after practice we had a similar problem. So, my patience was shot and my go-to response was "no practice tomorrow night." Okay, so here's the issues: First of all, I know I have been overreacting due to burn out on this issue. I didn't have a planned response, just a knee jerk reaction. Second, I don't really think missing practices is a good idea. I think being committed to both the sport and the team is important. Plus the season is winding down and next week is possibly the last week of practices. So, without being a really bad stupid parent, can I change this? I think it's okay to back out sometimes, but not twice in a row!! However, my feeling is perhaps there could be an alternative? Something maybe that makes him think a little? Something that doesn't get him off the hook, but lets him go to practice without thinking, "Ha! Mom is such a wimp. I guess I can just get away with this." Background: The behaviour I'm referring to includes calling his brother a name (general unkindness is an issue of late) and then in response to my saying this is not okay--his arguing/justifying it and then a very delayed apology. The second part bothered me as much if not more than the first part. A quick "I'm sorry." and I think I wouldn't have lost my cool about it. So, my head tells me I just need to stand by what I said and not let him go to practice tomorrow. But some little voice is saying......I'm not sure what....can I change without losing all my parenting mojo? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I think I would decide what you want as the punishment for this behavior going forward and then swap punishment from missing practice to the new one. I don't know how old your kids are, but I assume they are not little ones since they are going to wrestling. I would try to think of quick, universal(you can impose it anywhere) punishments. I would also not make it too harsh. I know lots of parents require apology, but I would not require it (especially older kids). I would prefer that the kid wanted to apologize themselves and if they don't, then I would work on empathy away from the incident. You might also think about natural consequences and logical consequences. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Sometimes I let my daughters "earn it back" if I've taken something away. Since the offense had to do with his brother, maybe he could "earn it back" by doing something significant for his brother. But for the future, try to think of some consequence(s) now that you will not regret should you have to use them. And tell your son what they will be in advance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 How old are the kids in question? What name did he call? To be honest, I think it might be possible that you are over-thinking and micro-managing. Siblings call names; sometimes frequently. If the name calling extended beyond the siblings, or had an "edge" that went beyond normal verbal exchange, I would support consequences. I teach kids 7th grade through 12th. By mid high school, the name calling has mostly gone away, but it is still very present in 7th, 8th, and sometimes 9th grade boys. I also find that taking away safe, structured, appropriate physical outlets for boys as punishment is counter-productive. If you feel you must really "do" something, I have noticed a correlation between too much screen time and bad behavior in my home. I have also taken away phones/chat if mouths get too mouthy (making the logical consequences stretch that if you can't use your mouth kindly, I will limit the places you use your mouth.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Yes. I frequently guilty of slapping on a too-harsh punishment due to my temper and needing to gracefully retract. The discussion sort of goes like this.... "Kid, I was angry and told you that you couldn't go to practice today. After consideration, I think that's a little harsh. You can go to practice tonight and I think it would be more appropriate for you to apologize and then help me with chore xyz. I expect you to go into the living room RIGHT NOW and apologize to your brother for calling him a name. " I don't think it results in a loss of mojo for your kids to realize that you can think thru your actions after the fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea1 Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I don't think it results in a loss of mojo for your kids to realize that you can think thru your actions after the fact. :iagree: It's also not bad for them to see you recognize a mistake, own up to it and correct it. Parents are human too. (I have had to do this also:tongue_smilie:). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 If you feel he deserves a punishment, just not "that" one, you could explain the situation to your child. You could let him know that you "weren't thinking" about his punishment. A more suitable punishment would be - such and such. Nothing wrong with changing your mind as a parent. If you feel he does not deserve a punishment, you could just explain you were too hasty. ( we are all human) Just tell him what he did was still not appropriate. Give him a stern warning, with a real punishment to follow if he does such and such again. Make sense? I don't know how many times I have said something too quickly, or responded wrongly, and had to apologize to my kiddos. Honestly, I haven't lost their respect at all. I have shown them that mommy is human, and is willing to admit that, and it makes them draw closer to me. Just my two cents.:) Hope you get this figured out!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 Thank you all for the advice. I haven't decided what I will do, but will probably be something like this. Apologize to ds for reacting too quickly/without thought. I told him he needed to apologize to his brother, but I'm not sure if that happened. So, I will make sure that gets done and perhaps tell him to do something nice for brother (like read him a story.) Then, tell ds he needs to do an extra chore to help me. Thanks again. Always open to more thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I would stick with missing practice, but come up with a new consequence for future infractions. Your ds is being very stubborn about this. I'm generally all for logical, related consequences, but sometimes kids need to learn that THEIR unreasonable behavior can lead to OUR unreasonable behavior :D As far as his commitment to the team, it's on his shoulders to fulfill it, not yours. Schooled kids have to miss practice or get dropped from teams all the time for unrelated behavior. I don't think you're overreacting or micromanaging, and I don't think that it's natural or inevitable for siblings to call names (routinely). Yes, do come up with a planned consequence and an overall plan of action. If that doesn't work, I'd be very tempted to simply tell him, "Every time you embarrass your brother, I'm going to embarrass you," and then back it up with an arsenal of embarrassing family stories and pictures ;) In all seriousness, people often want to shrug this behavior off, but I think the younger brother deserves protection from it. It can't be fun to constantly be made to feel stupid. It truly can be helpful to remind older, 'wiser' kids of a time not so long ago when they didn't know 'obvious' facts or when they made 'stupid' assumptions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I adopted the habit of never saying immediately, what the consequence will be. I just let them know that there will be a consequence, and that I will let them know soon what it will be. This gives me time to think, because every situation is different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I think I would decide what you want as the punishment for this behavior going forward and then swap punishment from missing practice to the new one. I don't know how old your kids are, but I assume they are not little ones since they are going to wrestling. I would try to think of quick, universal(you can impose it anywhere) punishments. I would also not make it too harsh. I know lots of parents require apology, but I would not require it (especially older kids). I would prefer that the kid wanted to apologize themselves and if they don't, then I would work on empathy away from the incident. You might also think about natural consequences and logical consequences. Good luck. :iagree: extra chores are a goodie around here. For awhile the hated job was gathering buckets of rocks from the garden spot. "All right... you owe me a buck of rocks." Make it miserable. Now that most of the rocks are out of the garden :lol::lol::lol: The hated job is cleaning the fridge or cleaning the hair out of the drains. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 also, I when my kid has been REALLY bad and does miss a team activity, having to call the leader or coach and tell him about why he is missing is VERY effective as a deterrent. For some reason, admitting that they;ve been little stinkers to people outside the house really bugs my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 :bigear: still listening........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I would make him do something FOR the sibling he called a name---one of their chores, something special, etc. They need to make restitution to the offended person. Another line of thinking is a talk that says something like "I will not let others call my kids names/ridicule them, etc. and therefore I will not allow you do do that to your brother just as I won't allow someone to do that to you." I would also make sure that the sibling is not being a passive aggression little brat and egging on the behavior. I know that sometimes younger ones can just egg on the older one but yet come across as the "angel". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Thank you all for the advice. I haven't decided what I will do, but will probably be something like this. Apologize to ds for reacting too quickly/without thought. I told him he needed to apologize to his brother, but I'm not sure if that happened. So, I will make sure that gets done and perhaps tell him to do something nice for brother (like read him a story.) Then, tell ds he needs to do an extra chore to help me. Thanks again. Always open to more thoughts. Since you asked . . .;) I do not allow my children to say, "I'm sorry" when they hurt others. Just regretting a behavior doesn't tend to change things (or really mean anything, IMO). If my child intentionally hurts (by words or deeds) another person, she has a private mini conversation with a parent and then is required to go to the offended one and say, "I was wrong to ___________; please forgive me." (The other child should be taught an appropriate response). For example, if the offense was name-calling, the offender would say, "I was wrong to be mean to you. Please forgive me." I realize that a child could say these words and not be sincere, but having to say the words, "I was wrong" may be what he needs to stop getting pleasure out of offending his siblings. And I agree with a PP, make sure the younger child isn't doing things behind your back to provoke his brother. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 Since you asked . . .;) I do not allow my children to say, "I'm sorry" when they hurt others. Just regretting a behavior doesn't tend to change things (or really mean anything, IMO). If my child intentionally hurts (by words or deeds) another person, she has a private mini conversation with a parent and then is required to go to the offended one and say, "I was wrong to ___________; please forgive me." (The other child should be taught an appropriate response). For example, if the offense was name-calling, the offender would say, "I was wrong to be mean to you. Please forgive me." I realize that a child could say these words and not be sincere, but having to say the words, "I was wrong" may be what he needs to stop getting pleasure out of offending his siblings. And I agree with a PP, make sure the younger child isn't doing things behind your back to provoke his brother. :grouphug: I'm really liking the "I was wrong" aspect! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 I'm really liking the "I was wrong" aspect! I know I have stayed away from doing or saying things many times because it's hard to say, "I was wrong" ! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xilka Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 This has happened to me too, more than once. What I've done is just be really open with ds, and said something like: "I said you couldn't go because I was really frustrated with you, and didn't know what else to do at that moment. I don't really want you to miss your activity, because it's good for you, but I want you to understand how much your behavior upset me." And, could you maybe have some predetermined thing, so that you don't have to come up with one in the moment? Like - "But next time you do that, THIS is what's going to happen." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.