Jump to content

Menu

Entitlement Attitude--Oldest Kids


Recommended Posts

My dh and I have been going round and round this weekend about/with my oldest daughter. One of the most frustrating things about her is that she seems to have the attitude that she is owed stuff. Now I am not talking about earning money and saving up for extra stuff. She's been doing that since she was 5. I am talking about when I do things for her as a mom, it is never recognized. Such as buying new clothes and shoes or taking her places or doing extra stuff just for her.

 

My other kids are always so appreciative of any little thing. My 6 yo told me thank you for taking her to a birthday party on Saturday. It totally made my day, since I wasn't feeling well and just did it because I thought it would make her happy. Took my 9 yo shopping and bought her some needed shoes on Friday. I got a thank you and a very appreciative attitude.

 

My oldest is not like this. She was signed up for a 2 day concert. Stuff happened and the youth group didn't get back till midnight on Friday(originally they were to return to church at 10:45). I drove over to the church (45 minutes round trip) to pick her up at 12 am, and apologetically told her that I was not willing to get up 6 and a half hours later to take her back to drop her off for day 2 of the concert. If she had said, "oh, man, I am so disappointed. Thanks for picking me up anyway tonight. " I would have considered dragging myself out the next day. Instead I heard a 15 minute gripe about it. All the next day was more of the grumpy, annoyed attitude.

 

When I buy her new stuff, although she is happy, I seldom get a grateful attitude. It is like she is owed it.

 

Anyway, I have talked to other parents and several others have mentioned that their oldest kids are sort of like this. Anyone else have a kid like this? Any cures/advice/commiseration?

 

(I am not thinking that I want my kids to bow in gratefulness to me constantly, or feel that they owe me for everything. A simple "thanks mom" for recognition for some of the stuff that I do just really makes my day.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that's part of it, but not all. I know in our case it has much to do with what I have tolerated the past few years without nipping things in the bud (so, part my fault). But there are those hormones, I know what they do to me, and I am mature enough to recognize (hehe, some days anyway) what they're doing to my attitude and reactions.

 

I stay in touch with dd's teachers and adult youth group advisors, and all tell me she is a ray of sunshine around them. So, I do believe a good bit of it is also that struggle to separate from authority & parental control as she develops her own identity and sense of who she is individually, apart from her role in the family. She has a strong personality and will be successful at anything she attempts in the future - it's just a little unbridled at present and can be bruising to immediate family members at times.

 

It's a tightrope, I think.:001_smile: A book I found helpful is called Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall. I can't remember the author but got it from my local library.

 

We vacillate between good days and bad days. I *really* appreciate the good ones.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is it normal for your family to say thanks for small things just around the house? For example, do you all say thank you to each other when someone passes the salt or sets the table or remembers to put a new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser? I think it's easy to take family members for granted and drop the formalities of saying please and thank you around the house. If you find that you've gotten out of the habit of saying thanks, perhaps you could made a point of thanking everyone for all the little things family members do for you and then maybe she'd pick it up by osmosis. Well, you can try it anyway, right?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my eldest sibling had an entitlement mentallity -and I think it took lots of very unpleasant real life experiences to expunge it. (and real life will come, so it would bode well for your dd to learn now rather than later,)

 

My eldest child does not have that attitude at all. When we were going through difficult financial challenges - she was well aware of them, and felt them even though I tried to shield her. she was all to aware just because you want/need something, doesn't mean you'll be able to have it.

 

I would recommend cutting down on the things you do for her "just because". Make her ask for things, as otherwise she is taking things for granted - and she has to ask nicely - let her know you expect her to. Make her express gratitude for things before you hand them to her. It's okay if she doesn't "feel" it yet, she needs to be aware enough to even say the words.

 

You could even give her a weekly/monthly clothing/toiletry allowance and make her buy her own things. if she blows it with nothing to show, - well that's life and don't bail her out by buying something she really needed but couldn't be bothered to purchase on her own. that will at least help her appreciate the value of a dollar and how much things actually cost.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you think it is just being a teen? She is 14, my others are 6,9, and 4

 

I have four who have been through teenhood and are now pleasant adults. yes, teens can be obnoxisous, but not all are. don't tolerate discourtesy "becasue she's a teen".

 

(I am also offended by the oft-repeated-by-one-person-I-know ((who has a MS in counseling!!!!) joke of "Isaac wasn't a teen on Mt. Moriah, because then it wouldn't have been a sacrifice." I was determined to enjoy my teens.)

Edited by gardenmom5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A different angle - is it Possibly not ingratitude but the grating feeling of being dependent on someone else for things you feel capable of doing yourself but are not allowed? Since young people are often kept childish by laws restricting their access to real work and responsibility, I think 14/15 are very difficult ages. Also, it is difficult to make the mental adjustment as parents that they don't actually need much from us anymore. Wisdom, perspective, and mentoring are their greater needs.

 

Maybe look for ways to let her take over in significant areas of her life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think a lot of it is just personality. I have one who tends to be like this. She has had the same upbringing as the other three. One, happens to be my oldest, tends to be overly thankful. (She almost seems to think herself undeserving of anything.)

 

However, in the specific instance you just gave I would chalk it up to you both being tired and grumpy. She had a promised activity that was being taken away. One that she was really looking forward to. It is late, and she is probably extremely tired. I wouldn't have expected roses and sunshine at being told you were going back on your word. (I am assuming you had told her you would take her to the concert. I am also not judging you for doing so, circumstances change. But, seeing it through her eyes this is what is happening. It was not her fault that the youth group got back so late. She is being punished for something she had no control over.) I also think that we DO owe our children clothing. I am always surprised when mine thank me for things that I see as being my responsibility as a parent.

 

Like I said, I do understand where you are coming from. I have one who is the same. I just can see her side as well. I never get an appreciative attitude from my son for buying him clothing and shoes. He absolutely detests having to shop for those things. For him, it is a necessary evil. He would never THANK me for forcing him to doing those things.:D I understand where he is comign from. I have been known to thank him for his cooperation in allowing me to clothe him instead.:lol: He does thank me for the things he appreciates.

Edited by Lolly
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you read this book?

 

It helped me sort out some of the typical teen behaviors that were driving me to the brink. I think it's a combo of sin nature, natural wiring, and possibly a parenting gap, but in great part I think it's the age.

 

My oldest mellowed out and is much better that way, but now we're going through it with the next one. They don't grasp that certain things take time and money that we may not instantly have.

 

You'll survive!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A different angle - is it Possibly not ingratitude but the grating feeling of being dependent on someone else for things you feel capable of doing yourself but are not allowed? Since young people are often kept childish by laws restricting their access to real work and responsibility, I think 14/15 are very difficult ages. Also, it is difficult to make the mental adjustment as parents that they don't actually need much from us anymore. Wisdom, perspective, and mentoring are their greater needs.

 

Maybe look for ways to let her take over in significant areas of her life.

 

 

my daughter moaned on Saturday. "I can NOT wait until I am allowed to drive myself."

 

I totally agreed with her. I can't wait for that too!

 

:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

However, in the specific instance you just gave I would chalk it up to you both being tired and grumpy. She had a promised activity that was being taken away. One that she was really looking forward to. It is late, and she is probably extremely tired. I wouldn't have expected roses and sunshine at being told you were going back on your word. (I am assuming you had told her you would take her to the concert. I am also not judging you for doing so, circumstances change. But, seeing it through her eyes this is what is happening. It was not her fault that the youth group got back so late. She is being punished for something she had no control over.) I also think that we DO owe our children clothing. I am always surprised when mine thank me for things that I see as being my responsibility as a parent.

.

 

This is the kid that cannot handle any type of mistake in her plans. Never has handled that well. If I said we were going to the park and it was raining it would be a full meltdown "BUT YOU PROMISED WE WOULD GO!"

 

So I now have to use the oft-repeated "We'll see." I can see in the future that I will have to be careful to remind her that if you get back later than promised, things may not work out exactly as you had planned.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it's any consolation, I've found the sincerity and depth of gratitude really moving and a major relief (once she hit adulthood).

 

My oldest DD had what I call "Band Aid City" going on around her from extended family, they'd jump in and patch up any little tremor in her life, thus...stealing from her opportunity for small failures and the learning process within. I think a lot of that co-dependence was flung her way from sheer guilt from the adults around her as well..but...

 

Once she was truly out on her on, and now her requests were viewed as "whining and neediness" and "how could I have raised such a weak creature" :001_rolleyes: - on and on....and *they* pulled back those support systems and she really blossomed on her own....wow, her amazing backbone of steel started to show.

 

She always had the spirit of a marine, and it killed me to watch that nature of hers sabotaged in the name of "family that cares". Rough waters, I know where you speak of....

 

Do you see, as a mom, any outside influences around her she may be reflecting all the impatience from? Is she picking it up from somewhere?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When we have our nightly family meeting we include a time to thank each person of the family for something. (if there isn't ANYTHING we make them think harder and get creative. Even if it's to thank someone for not annoying them that day! As long as it's said nicely of course) This is one of those things that might be useful to develop as a Family Habit. It might come more naturally if they get used to doing it. Also they get to hear parents thanking them for things, and they get the idea of how it is done, what it sounds like and how to vary it up from day to day to make the other person feel good.

 

From experience I can say that when you start doing this you start realizing how much other people do for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would actually say that in the majority of families we know, it is the youngest child who has the biggest entitlement attitude. Oldest children tend to be the super-responsible, hard-working, "take it for the team" ones while the youngest children often wind up spoiled and acting like the world owes them stuff on a silver platter. It happened in both sets of my grandparents' families, my mom's family, my dad's family, my mother-in-law's family, my father-in-law's family, and in several of my friends' families.

 

For example, when my brothers and I are visiting my parents for a meal, my middle brother and I always wash the dishes & clean up the kitchen without being asked to do so. My youngest brother, by contrast, sits at the table yakking away to my parents. He can see that the two of us are cleaning up, but does he ever bother to join us in helping out our folks? No. :glare:

 

I don't know if it is a factor of parents relying on oldest children more when they are growing up because the oldest is the one best able to do so. I know that I am always asking oldest DD to help out and much less so the younger kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know if it's necessarily an oldest child thing. My oldest isn't like that at all. He rarely asks for anything at all and works very hard. He's a senior at an excellent (but $$$) college and the only thing he's ever asked for was for us to co-sign his loans. Even in high school he rarely asked for anything unless it was something he really needed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would actually say that in the majority of families we know, it is the youngest child who has the biggest entitlement attitude. Oldest children tend to be the super-responsible, hard-working, "take it for the team" ones while the youngest children often wind up spoiled and acting like the world owes them stuff on a silver platter.

 

I don't know if it is a factor of parents relying on oldest children more when they are growing up because the oldest is the one best able to do so. I know that I am always asking oldest DD to help out and much less so the younger kids.

 

This is my experience too, as the oldest child in my family of origin. I was given many responsibilities, including babysitting my younger siblings, and my "reward" was supposedly increased privileges. However, my younger sibs were often granted the same privileges soon after, and sometimes even greater freedoms than I had experienced. It was very unfair, and most frustrating.

 

This is a pattern I've seen repeated in many families. My dh is also the oldest child. He's the responsible, hard-working one, and his brother...not so much.

 

IMO, fewer or no responsibilities + unearned privileges = more likely to have entitled attitude. That's a equation that, IME, tends to best describe younger children, not the oldest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would start saying no to her more often, and explain that you don't feel motivated to do extra things for her because she isn't grateful. I wouldn't worry a lot about the specific incident you mentioned (I would be crabby at midnight, too!)

 

I don't think it's a "teen thing." My oldest is 15 yo, and like others have said, she is the typical oldest child. Ditto the 13 yo actually. They both say thank youfor every little thing. My little 9 yo guy is the one who leans towards spoiled behavior. I've been telling him no more often, explaining to him the sacrifices we make for him, and asking the girls to do the same, and just yesterday he thanked me after we got into the car from sports practice. :001_smile:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You didn't mention her age, but teenagers can be extremely self-absorbed and excessively self-focused. Our 17 year old is like that. I think the cure is time. I would point out to her how her actions and attitude make you less inclined to do nice things for her. With my dd, I also say things like, "Hey, Mom, thanks for doing [insert thoughtful thing here] for me. I really appreciate it!" and then respond to myself with, "Why, it's no problem, [dd], and it certainly does make me feel good, and more willing to go out of my way for you, when you show your appreciation!"

 

ETA: We started giving dd an allowance and expecting her to pay for her own wants. When she wanted a voice recorder the other day, I told her she was welcome to buy it. She got all bent out of shape and said it was expensive. I told her, "Probably. You'll have to decide whether it's worth it to you. That's what Daddy and I do when we want to buy something. We may have to give up something else we want to afford it."

 

As for the two-day concert ... I think you were in the wrong. Your dd could not control the time they got back. You signed her up for two days, and short of an emergency, you should have taken her back for day 2. "I just don't feel like getting up" is, frankly, rather lame and pretty much what one would expect from a teenager.

 

Tara

Edited by TaraTheLiberator
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A different angle - is it Possibly not ingratitude but the grating feeling of being dependent on someone else for things you feel capable of doing yourself but are not allowed? Since young people are often kept childish by laws restricting their access to real work and responsibility, I think 14/15 are very difficult ages. Also, it is difficult to make the mental adjustment as parents that they don't actually need much from us anymore. Wisdom, perspective, and mentoring are their greater needs.

 

Maybe look for ways to let her take over in significant areas of her life.

 

I agree with this statement as a possibility. My oldest (15yodd) displays some of the behavior the OP described and I attribute it partly to this. I think birth order is significant in behavior and many oldest children are fiercely independent. My own dd definitely is.

 

My next dd is only 17mths behind her and doesn't exhibit these same characteristics, but has other teenage behaviors instead. She's not as independent though. I'll be interesting to see if she trends this way over the next year or so too. In general she's much more appreciative of things, but her issues are more moodiness and being over emotional.

 

I agree that entitlement attitudes are very frustrating!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As for the two-day concert ... I think you were in the wrong. Your dd could not control the time they got back. You signed her up for two days, and short of an emergency, you should have taken her back for day 2. "I just don't feel like getting up" is, frankly, rather lame and pretty much what one would expect from a teenager.

I agree. As annoying as it is, it is not your DD's fault and there is something teenagerish about your reaction.

I would actually say that in the majority of families we know, it is the youngest child who has the biggest entitlement attitude. Oldest children tend to be the super-responsible, hard-working, "take it for the team" ones while the youngest children often wind up spoiled and acting like the world owes them stuff on a silver platter. It happened in both sets of my grandparents' families, my mom's family, my dad's family, my mother-in-law's family, my father-in-law's family, and in several of my friends' families.

 

For example, when my brothers and I are visiting my parents for a meal, my middle brother and I always wash the dishes & clean up the kitchen without being asked to do so. My youngest brother, by contrast, sits at the table yakking away to my parents. He can see that the two of us are cleaning up, but does he ever bother to join us in helping out our folks? No. :glare:

This has been my experience too with nearly all families I know, *especially* if the youngest child is a boy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

IMO, fewer or no responsibilities + unearned privileges = more likely to have entitled attitude. That's a equation that, IME, tends to best describe younger children, not the oldest.

 

:iagree:This is how it is working out in my family. My younger children just haven't had to do as much (of anything:glare:) as the olders did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As for the two-day concert ... I think you were in the wrong. Your dd could not control the time they got back. You signed her up for two days, and short of an emergency, you should have taken her back for day 2. "I just don't feel like getting up" is, frankly, rather lame and pretty much what one would expect from a teenager.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:on this, too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just was going to throw in that I don't think this is an oldest kid thing either. My younger brother definitely had more of this going on (and actually still does at age 40 - he has no problem calling my parents for help. I wouldn't dream of it.) Probably more of a personality thing. I know my parents have enabled this attitude for years where they fostered my independence very early. I think it's good to be mindful of how you're treating each of your kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

As for the two-day concert ... I think you were in the wrong. Your dd could not control the time they got back. You signed her up for two days, and short of an emergency, you should have taken her back for day 2. "I just don't feel like getting up" is, frankly, rather lame and pretty much what one would expect from a teenager.

 

Tara

 

 

yeah. Now that I think about it, I need to make it clear when we set something up if it ends later than expected, she may or may not be able to do the next day's activity. She's not involved in gobs of stuff, but everything seemed to have an activity last week, so I spent the majority of the week driving to and from different things. By Friday I was wiped out. The all week long grouchiness from her had me worn down and frazzled at that point. It is hard to put yourself out for someone who has been mostly unpleasant.

 

So I suppose I need to pull out my standard "We'll see" answer once again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I suppose I need to pull out my standard "We'll see" answer once again.

 

I don't think that's the best way to go, honestly. I think that it shows a lack of respect for her and her activities if everything depends on "what comes up" or your mood or whatever. If you commit to have your dd at something, then she needs to be able to count on that. It's not really fair for her to never know with any certainty whether she's going to be able to do anything.

 

Now, clearly, emergencies and odd situations come up, and she needs to be able to recognize that. But if everything she tries to plan is a "we'll see," I think that's going to have negative effects.

 

Occasionally I tell my dd "we'll see," but I always have a reason for saying so that I share with her. Most things I say either "yes" or "no," and if I say yes, then the answer is yes, even if it becomes inconvenient for me.

 

Tara

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think that's the best way to go, honestly. I think that it shows a lack of respect for her and her activities if everything depends on "what comes up" or your mood or whatever. If you commit to have your dd at something, then she needs to be able to count on that. It's not really fair for her to never know with any certainty whether she's going to be able to do anything.

 

Now, clearly, emergencies and odd situations come up, and she needs to be able to recognize that. But if everything she tries to plan is a "we'll see," I think that's going to have negative effects.

 

Occasionally I tell my dd "we'll see," but I always have a reason for saying so that I share with her. Most things I say either "yes" or "no," and if I say yes, then the answer is yes, even if it becomes inconvenient for me.

 

Tara

 

crap.

 

I think maybe I just need to be more candid with her about my energy levels. I am not a high energy person. When I push myself too far over the course of a week, I end up making myself ill. MEaning that we do NOTHING for a week, while I get my health back.

 

The other alternative is to say no to everything. :) Which is what my parents did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is interesting to read all the comments here and realize that everyone's experience really is different but there are some commonalities to children's behavior.

 

My oldest dd has the entitlement mentality in spades. She is sweet & kind and super responsible, but everything that she gets she feels like she deserves simply because she exists. Several years ago when our income was cut by 60% she didn't stop asking for things. She figured it wouldn't hurt to ask and it never occurred to her that it was difficult for us (her father in particular) to say we couldn't purchase things for her that her friends have like a car at 16, a huge sweet 16 b-day party, the latest electronics.

 

My second dd, on the other hand, is not only grateful for all we do for her but is empathetic to the feelings of others. When we went through that rough period she paid for her own TKD lessons & didn't even tell us about things she was missing out on because she knew we didn't have the $$ and didn't want to upset anyone. Dd #1 has never figured out that we are more willing to do things for dd #2 because of her attitude.

 

We do practice the "attitude of gratitude" in our home to model good behavior to our kids, but I have two that have learned it and two that have not.

 

Interestingly my only ds, with the three older sisters, is the most grateful of the bunch. I think it helps his situation that he has two older sisters with learning issues & he sees their struggles & wants to help.

 

Amber in SJ

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's personality. I work on it with my DD by letting her know later on or the next day (not at the time of the incident), that when she acted (xyz) it really took away the good feeling I had about doing things for her, and left me with a feeling like I didn't want to anymore. I didn't like that because I like to enjoy doing things for her. She always takes these conversations very seriously and has never responded negatively. But the key for us is not having the conversation at the time of the incident.

 

I really have noticed improvement, especially over the last year or so.

 

ETA, I always add a caveat that maybe she really was grateful for what I did, but her behavior made me feel like she was not. That seems to make her less defensive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...