Once the spark is gone, is it gone for good?

[JumpyTheFrog]

Do you think the concept of the "seven year itch" (or maybe with a different number) is true? If life has beaten one of the spouses down and the spark is gone, can it come back?

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it can come back. I think most relationships have some ebb and flow.

[Stayseeliz]

The spark came back for my parents. They've been married 43 years after having an extremely hard time when we were teens. I think raising kids just puts a huge strain on a marriage. I told someone the other day that I can see why a lot of people divorce around the 10-12 year mark. You're deep in the trenches as far as child raising goes, not much time as a couple, etc. There are typically money woes at this point. I know we're kind of at a low since we have four kids infant-10yo. It's hard right now but we're pressing on.

[Momof3littles]

I absolutely think it can, especially if it is a "life has beaten one spouse down" situation.

 

Can the person feeling beaten down find a way to carve out more time for self care, interests, hobbies, etc.? I feel more satisfied with life in general and my marriage when I do those things.

 

Do you (or the couple involved) have opportunities for date night? Do you have a sitter available? Do you have a way to carve out small amounts of time with your spouse uninterrupted? These are all things DH and I have found we need to work on. We have been married 10 years, and have three kids (8, 5, almost 2). We've started doing things like telling them they have to play in the basement for 20 mins so we can spend some time together and chat. We don't live near family any longer, and so we finally decided to look for a sitter via care.com. We can't get a weekend away just yet, but look forward to doing that in another 2 years or so.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Momof3littles

[Mrs Mungo]

The spark came back for my parents. They've been married 43 years after having an extremely hard time when we were teens. I think raising kids just puts a huge strain on a marriage. I told someone the other day that I can see why a lot of people divorce around the 10-12 year mark. You're deep in the trenches as far as child raising goes, not much time as a couple, etc.

 

I do agree with this. It got much easier for us once our kids were a little older.

[Impish]

Absolutely.

 

It takes effort, and time, but absolutely.

 

As Mrs. Mungo stated, a marriage has it's ebbs and flows.

 

Raising children, financial difficulties, changes...they all take their toll.

 

Wolf and I went through a time where we were more like roommates than spouses. It still happens now and then.

 

But, w/my disability and unpredictable pain levels, hsing, raising kids, adding another baby...it's kind of to be expected.

 

That being said, we needed to reconnect. I found doing little things made a huge diff.

 

Putting on make up, changing out of my 'grubbies' into a nice top and jeans for when he came home lit up his face.

 

Carving out 15 mins of alone time when he gets home, just for he and I to chat...sometimes, it's even sitting in the bathroom while he showers.

 

Little things go a long way.

[Ohdanigirl]

Yes it can. It takes work, but it can.

 

Dh and I have been raising his brothers and sisters (5 of them) since before we had our first child. His mom waited until they reached the tougher teen years, and that's when she would decide she had done her job. Understandably, they have all come to us with some issues, and it was a real strain on our marriage. I can remember, more than a few times, thinking it was over.

 

It is a tough place to be, but you can come out of it. As someone said, the little things go a long way.

 

Danielle

[PrincessMommy]

The spark came back for my parents. They've been married 43 years after having an extremely hard time when we were teens. I think raising kids just puts a huge strain on a marriage. I told someone the other day that I can see why a lot of people divorce around the 10-12 year mark. You're deep in the trenches as far as child raising goes, not much time as a couple, etc. There are typically money woes at this point. I know we're kind of at a low since we have four kids infant-10yo. It's hard right now but we're pressing on.

 

Thanks for this. It gives me hope.

[Momma H]

I Read somewhere that love is a verb. If you do loving things for someone you will feel loving toward them. To put it another way, fake it till you make it. Give it a try. Love is not something that just falls upon you (like lust!). It takes action. :grouphug: I have also heard it said that love is an attitude. Sometimes we need to evaluate if we need an attitude change. That is not meant in a harsh way at all. It is just that in a relationship the only one we really have control over is us. If we want change, we have to start there. (barring of course abuse etc---no flames!!)

Edited February 26, 2012 by Momma H
Thought of more

[Desert Rat]

I do think it can come back. There were a few times in my own marriage where I didn't think we would make it. But, I think with us, we still had a great underlying friendship to help us through the rough patches. I takes A LOT of work though.

[nono]

Yes, and occasionally it doesn't even take effort. Sometimes it just takes a combination of patience and time elapsing. :)

[Guest]

Do you think the concept of the "seven year itch" (or maybe with a different number) is true? If life has beaten one of the spouses down and the spark is gone, can it come back?

 

I believe it can come back if it was there before (and maybe even if not). If all involved parties are relatively good, typical people, (i.e, not abusive, addicted or disordered), then I believe marriage comes down to a choice to stay and love.

[JessReplanted]

Of course it can come back!!

 

And, it takes time and effort and intentionality!

 

And, if there are deeper issues that have never been addressed, then counseling is a good first step in the right direction.

 

(My husband is preaching through a marriage series, so I'm all fired up about this topic right now. ;)

[Paintedlady]

My own marriage has come back from the edge a couple of times. Once early on (about 2 years in) and again around the 12 year mark. Both times required a lot from us in terms of forgiving and recommitting to loving each other, even when it's hard. We celebrated our 18th anniversary last December and the spark is definitely still there. :001_smile:

[SailorMom]

Oh yeah! 19 years and ours is better than ever. Years 3, 5, 7 and 13 were very tough. But we persevered, and I thank God every day that both he and I worked very hard.

[twinmami01]

I think it can come back. I think most relationships have some ebb and flow.

 

:iagree:

 

After 14 years of marriage, we've had a few. The first 2 years were rough, followed by year 5, then we had another rough year around year 12. I like to call them growing pains. Each time, we came through it stronger than ever.

[LMD]

I believe it can come back if it was there before (and maybe even if not). If all involved parties are relatively good, typical people, (i.e, not abusive, addicted or disordered), then I believe marriage comes down to a choice to stay and love.

 

This is a great way to put it. I have recently come to believe that what really makes a marriage is choosing to stay and choosing to love - even when no-one would blame you for leaving.

 

FTR - years 7-8 have so far been the toughest, we're celebrating 9 years this year.

[Mommyfaithe]

Yes, I believe it definitely can. And love IS a verb. It is an action...and a choice. It is not always easy, but the sparks can come back. Try to remember those early sparks....

[*Lulu*]

I believe it can come back if it was there before (and maybe even if not). If all involved parties are relatively good, typical people, (i.e, not abusive, addicted or disordered), then I believe marriage comes down to a choice to stay and love.

 

:iagree:

[Joanne]

It depends on each specific situation. Sure, it *can* and sometimes does.

 

Other times, the situation is too complicated to be simply a "spark" issue and is beyond repair.

 

As a matter of fact, "spark" is vague and ambiguous.

[Joanne]

I believe it can come back if it was there before (and maybe even if not). If all involved parties are relatively good, typical people, (i.e, not abusive, addicted or disordered), then I believe marriage comes down to a choice to stay and love.

 

:iagree:

[Mommyfaithe]

:iagree:

 

After 14 years of marriage, we've had a few. The first 2 years were rough, followed by year 5, then we had another rough year around year 12. I like to call them growing pains. Each time, we came through it stronger than ever.

 

:iagree:

We are having a tough year 26. I see a lot of our friends divorced, and remarried and beginning with little kids again. We still happen to have little kids:D and they are actually the glue that is holding us together and making us rekindle those flames that are flickering and threatening to go out. Dh and I are BOTH aware of it....and BOTH working to make things better. I do think some of it is mid-life crisis stuff...turning 50, not having enough finances to even toy with the idea of retiring, looking back on the could'ves and would'ves and might'ves but didn'ts. I think we hit an introspective period at the same time which makes it difficult for both of us.

 

I try to give him the understanding and room to grow that I desire.....and try not to get frustrated knowing he can't be inside my head....even after being together 31 years and married for 26.....

 

Faithe

[Mommyfaithe]

I do think it can come back. There were a few times in my own marriage where I didn't think we would make it. But, I think with us, we still had a great underlying friendship to help us through the rough patches. I takes A LOT of work though.

 

Yes, us too. I genuinely like my dh....even if he drives me batty sometimes.

[jillian]

I think it can come back. I think it requires some work but it can come back

[Chris in VA]

Do you think the concept of the "seven year itch" (or maybe with a different number) is true? If life has beaten one of the spouses down and the spark is gone, can it come back?

 

ABSOLUTELY it can come back! I find personal health to be a big determiner of "spark." :001_smile:

That, and resolving sometimes hidden resentments and anger...

 

ETA I mean health as far as you can control it--if you are overweight, managing that can help. If you live with chronic pain, that's harder, but getting the treatment you need can certainly help. And getting help with depression issues (or other mental health issues) is a big plus, too.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Chris in VA
clarity

[laughing lioness]

No. There is research out there that suggests staying with your spouse is the best way to find the spark. (in other words, spouses who were considering divorce and stayed together were happy they did so 5 yrs later).

[butterflymommy]

I guess I'm the voice of dissent here-- if you can "choose to love" then the spark is still alive. It might be very dimly alive but still alive.

 

If the spark is really dead, gone, and you feel nothing resembling affection for the person, and you don't even like them anymore, if their very presence makes you feel ill, I don't think it can be "resparked." Some relationships simply get ruined-- or neglected-- beyond repair.

[KungFuPanda]

I think if you feel ambivalent and unsparky, you can just ride the next wave up. There's always going to be some effort involved that's not necessarily fun, but required to tend the relationship. Also, even the best of marriages may need to deal with some disappointment.

 

We've been through some seriously tough stuff in the last few years and I now understand how the strain of life can separate people who would've otherwise held it together. In the last few years we've dealt with long-term employment, a devastating diagnosis for our young son, a tree crushing our house, and even a flippin stalker. I'm not kidding! We got through it together, but I now understand how the stress of any one of those things can deplete someone to the point that they can no longer make the required effort to maintain a healthy marriage. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for not making it.

 

I think as long as disgust hasn't set in, you can vow to do no further damage and ride out the rough patch. You just both have to decide it's what you WANT.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I think it can come back. I think most relationships have some ebb and flow.

 

:iagree: I think it is important that marriages be based on love, respect, friendship, commitment, and other similar qualities not just on a "spark." When that is the case it is easier to weather the ebb and flow and get the spark back.

[Kathleen in VA]

The bottom line is marriage is hard. In the 25 years I've been married I've wanted to bail out a number of times. Coming from a broken family kept me from doing anything rash for the sake of my children and I can honestly say I am glad I stuck it out.

 

Love is a verb as a pp mentioned. You must decide to do it even in the face of dead feelings. I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive (either mentally or physically) marriage - but if it's just a matter of not feeling "in love" any longer, I would be very slow to jump ship.

 

One year I made up my mind that that would be the year that I would focus on loving my husband. I made a list of practical things I could do - stuff like acting glad when he came in the door for work, concentrating on his good qualities, listening to him talk about his day (he's a big-time talker!), remembering to pick things up at the grocery store that I know he likes, - just small stuff. I redetermined each day to continue.

 

I also had to forgive him for some hurtful things he had said and done. It was easier when I considered that I needed a lot of forgiveness, too. Marriage is a whole lot of forgiving and being forgiven.

 

Now I don't have to put so much effort into it - I truly love my dh and delight in who he is. He is much kinder and sweeter to me as well. I think it can be a matter of just maturing and lowering expectations. It takes time but it is well worth it.

[lmrich]

YES! It needs nurturing and tending during the rough years, but it can come back and turn into a nice spark - enough to start a fire.

[EmilyinND]

I think it can come back. I think most relationships have some ebb and flow.

 

:iagree: Absolutely agree!

[jennsmile]

YES! I have seen my parents go from no spark to more in love than ever. They still have off days but mostly they love each other.

[eternalknot]

I believe in the power of the mind.

 

If you have the mind to bring back the spark (or to maybe clear the dust it's hiding under), it can be done.

 

If you have the mind that it's dead and gone, then it pretty well is.

 

If you're not immediately sure where your mind is, there's enough of a spark left that you CAN nurture it (back?) into a fire :)

 

I think all relationships are mostly mental.

 

I truly do believe in the power of the mind.

 

Do you want to bring it back?

 

((hugs))

[JumpyTheFrog]

I maybe I wasn't clear enough. We get along well. By "lost the spark," I mean that one of us has had libido problems for a few years and isn't really attracted to the other in that way anymore. No abuse, no current major disagreements, or anything bad between us, really.

[gardenmom5]

yes, it can come back. yes, it takes work. yes, attitude is also a choice.

 

the feelings as the relationship goes on are deeper and more meaningful, but not the "warm gushies" that are typical of a new relationship. There is more depth.

 

I celebrate my 30th wedding anniversary in april.

 

eta: dont' underestimate the power of everyday stress to interfere with libido.

[Rosie_0801]

I maybe I wasn't clear enough. We get along well. By "lost the spark," I mean that one of us has had libido problems for a few years and isn't really attracted to the other in that way anymore. No abuse, no current major disagreements, or anything bad between us, really.

 

Those problems usually happen for a reason. Once you figure out the reason, you can do something about it.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[HiddenJewel]

If the spark has gone out of everything in life for the person, it may be related to health issues and not the relationship.

[Joanne]

I maybe I wasn't clear enough. We get along well. By "lost the spark," I mean that one of us has had libido problems for a few years and isn't really attracted to the other in that way anymore. No abuse, no current major disagreements, or anything bad between us, really.

 

The tea making part of our marriage is, um, out of tea because health prevents tea making.

 

I don't think a marriage should end over the intimate physical component. Affection and playfulness, maybe (assuming both partners are physically able. For example, some days my DH can't operate on an adult level).

[Scarlett]

Yes, and occasionally it doesn't even take effort. Sometimes it just takes a combination of patience and time elapsing. :)

 

LOVE this. I agree.

 

If both parties are patient and don't do something stupid to irrepairable destroy the marriage....it will come back.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I don't think a marriage should end over the intimate physical component.

 

Nah, we're not going to get divorced. We're just getting tired of this problem.

[Amy in NH]

I think it can come back. I think most relationships have some ebb and flow.

 

:iagree:

[LG Gone Wild]

Nah, we're not going to get divorced. We're just getting tired of this problem.

 

:grouphug:

[HiddenJewel]

I maybe I wasn't clear enough. We get along well. By "lost the spark," I mean that one of us has had libido problems for a few years and isn't really attracted to the other in that way anymore. No abuse, no current major disagreements, or anything bad between us, really.

 

This can be as simple as a physical issue - low thyroid, imbalanced hormones, etc.

[Tohru]

I Read somewhere that love is a verb. If you do loving things for someone you will feel loving toward them. To put it another way, fake it till you make it. Give it a try. Love is not something that just falls upon you (like lust!). It takes action. :grouphug: I have also heard it said that love is an attitude. Sometimes we need to evaluate if we need an attitude change. That is not meant in a harsh way at all. It is just that in a relationship the only one we really have control over is us. If we want change, we have to start there. (barring of course abuse etc---no flames!!)

 

:iagree: (BTW: It was Stephen Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

 

Even just using the word "spark" seems like your looking at the relationship with the wrong attitude.

 

ETA: Just read through and got the clearer picture. Could it might be hormones or physical changes?

I did read once that a male needs physical affection to make him feel worthwhile and loved. I'm not sure if it is true or not for all men, but I think it's important to take those kinds of needs into consideration when I'm personally feeling less than affectionate.

Edited February 27, 2012 by jadedone80

[fischerl]

Just remembered one of my favorite quotes:

 

"One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again." (Judith Viorst)

 

May not address your particular issue, OP, but I thought it relevant to the thread.

 

:grouphug:

[Shellers]

Absolutely.

 

It takes effort, and time, but absolutely.

 

As Mrs. Mungo stated, a marriage has it's ebbs and flows.

 

Raising children, financial difficulties, changes...they all take their toll.

 

Wolf and I went through a time where we were more like roommates than spouses. It still happens now and then.

 

But, w/my disability and unpredictable pain levels, hsing, raising kids, adding another baby...it's kind of to be expected.

 

That being said, we needed to reconnect. I found doing little things made a huge diff.

 

Putting on make up, changing out of my 'grubbies' into a nice top and jeans for when he came home lit up his face.

 

Carving out 15 mins of alone time when he gets home, just for he and I to chat...sometimes, it's even sitting in the bathroom while he showers.

 

Little things go a long way.

 

:iagree:

 

The Love Dare is a good place to start. It's so easy to implement and could make a HUGE difference in the relationship. It is religious, but I think a person could skip most of the religious stuff and scroll down to "Today's Dare". Day 1 is easy enough, demonstrate patience and say nothing negative to your spouse. Day 2 - Again say nothing negative, and do one unexpected kind act towards your spouse. I believe it's a 40 day challenge.

 

Little changes could make all the difference.

[Kathleen in VA]

Hoppy, have you been to a doctor about this? It could be a physiological problem that could be remedied easily.:grouphug:

[KungFuPanda]

Nah, we're not going to get divorced. We're just getting tired of this problem.

 

Have you spoken to your doctor? This could be a symptom that something is off healthwise. I wouldn't just 'deal with it' without trying to find a solution.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Absolutely, the spark can come back!

 

Some years are simply better than others.